DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

There is a baby in this mix who got a ‘few nice days out’ over the summer when his dad wasn’t on drugs. That is so bloody sad I don’t know what to say.

She doesn't want to, but if it's a choice between her or adoption? I doubt it

very tough situation
I think you could be clear that you will only continue to support here - which very much doesn't involve looking after the children full time if a .she continues to go to college and b. she gets some kind of long term contraception sorted as soon as the baby is born
Before its too late to terminate, has she actually thought about practically how this is going to work? I had two under two and it was bloody exhausting.

I wouldnt be having the BF in my house if he is stiking of weed though you probably prefer to have them somewhere where you can keep an eye on them.

My perspective is that I was the child in this situation....luckily my mother did stop at one though! My grandparents ended up raising me and I owe them absolutely everything. But it absolutely wouldn't have entered their head to let any child in their family be put up for adoption, so in one sense it wasn't a choice. I guess don't underestimate what you are giving the child who is already here, and what that will mean to them looking back.

Well, if she has to give her job & struggle to live/afford her bills she may. Not every grandparent is up for taking on their grandchildren, this isnt a fantasy story its real life.

Your daughter obviously assumes you will step in and so has decided to get pregnant by the same child despite knowing how much of a bad decision it was first time round. Your daughter is much to blame as the boy- you seem to put a lot of blame on this boy for not being a good father. He was a child under 16 when the first was born and a vulnerable child in foster care. Your dd has actively chosen to conceive a second child with him, knowing all the issues he has and how hard it has been first time round. Both are awful parents. It’s such a shame for the two babies who are being born into such a shit show. Does DD know she will have to give up the college course she is loving to look after this new baby? Does she understand you won’t be able to help with 2 children? Or are you making it a bit too easy for her?

Hasn’t has just said she babysits a whilst DD is in college?!

@Woompund

how is she supposed to take them on? Give up her job and go on benefits??
what’s so bad about adoption? the children can go to a couple (or single adopter) who actually want them and are geared up for them. That’s not OP through no fault of her own.

@Bambamhoohoo

no, the baby goes to a nursery attached to the college when its mother is at college. OP is at work.

So how is OP committed to raising “the child” as the poster I quoted said? I can’t see anything about that in the thread but might’ve missed it

On the upside, she'll probably be done having kids after number 2, they'll be in secondary school before she's 30, a great time for her career to take off.

I think she might benefit from therapy to get a better insight in the choices she has made, and the choices she could make for her and her kids' futures.

For starters ask her how she's going to deal with the work placement given she'll be either heavily pregnant or will have a newborn. Ask if she's talked to college about postponing the placement or doing it flexibly. I doubt she has but use this to make the point that SHE has to work out a solution to these things, not just assume you will take time off work and save her bacon.

outcomes for a child who enters the care system are substantially worse than those looked after by family. This is why taking children into care is a last resort.

i can’t believe anyone would let their grandchild go into care over some misplaced stubbornness but then you guys aren’t talking about your grandchildren but a total strangers so i expect that explains the piss poor parenting being suggested

@Bambamhoohoo

adoption is not the care system. An adopted child is not a Cared For child.

@Bambamhoohoo

and it’s not “piss poor parenting” to be unable and/or unwilling to parent your own children’s children for them.

this. That is a very ignorant post.

Ignore it, it’s just nonsense from people who want to turn this into a way bigger deal than the fact that young teenagers were having sex (as many, many of them do - DD had some right horror stories from friends when she was in high school).

Your Dd is a child and clearly thinking with he hormones rather than her brain otherwise she wouldn’t have let that thing near her! You’re enabling this BS as you tolerate him. He would not be allowed anywhere near my child or my property.

The whole situation is dreadful. Expecting a 16 year old boy to step up is beyond ridiculous. And yourDD has been very irresponsible. All this supporting her and pretending everything is fine is no good. Because it isn't.

A neighbour had a teen son who had a baby. Both him and girlfriend were ND and SS involved as serous concerns re how caring for baby. She ended up as a paid foster carer for baby. So it may be Op would be supported to care for them if daughter can’t but it sounds like daughter is parenting adequately and wanting to.

I have two good friends who were teen mums at 16. I was at school with them both. Both of them the dads were complete dead beats and relationships fizzled out.
However, both of my friends were supported by their families, in particular their mums to finish their studies and work. Both have gone on to do really well in their own careers and find new partners later in their 20s, good jobs, good kids, nice homes, in good relationships. One remarried and had another child in her late 20s.
The main thing that they had was the support of their families to help them finish studying and work.
It is most likely if you keep your daughter close and help her to parent and study things will be just fine. The childrens dad will probably end up being a part time figure who dips in and out, but the stability you can give them all will be key for your daughter and her children to be able to thrive. I dont think you should give ultimatums or kick them out. All it will do it doom your daughter and her kids to poverty. So the only option is support. She will, when she matures, realise what the reality is.

So to summarise the teen father of your grandchildren has:

failed his GCSE's
refused to wear a condom for contraception (hence second baby)
smokes weed constantly (gave up for a couple of weeks but back on it)
does not want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job (and sounds unemployable)
your daughter 'loves him' and thinks he is a good dad but when social services suggested a parenting course stated it is not needed.
been arrested for fighting and might need some anger management sessions.

To be honest both of them could do with the parenting course. your DD to learn what a decent parent actually is - not some disney act when their father rocks up and takes them to a farm.

Your daughter needs the implant to remove any decision making away from the moment. the pill relies on the individual making the right calls when required.

She also needs to see her boyfriend is an appalling parent and you both need to stop holding onto the hope he will change one day.

@lemonraspberry that summarisation is bleak and real.

Will she agree to do some family counselling with you?

It might be hard for her to hear how staying in this relationship is going to damage her future coming from you, but a qualified therapist should be able to ask probing questions to help her think pragmatically and rationally whilst staying unbiased.

I worry at such a young age she has an "I can fix him" mentality and given how he keeps having failed placements, I also worry if he is spinning yarns to make DD pity him, and keep her on the hook and she might not be able to see emotional manipulation when it's staring her in the face.

I do feel sorry for this boy who has spent his life in care, and I know he's already at a disadvantage in life because of it, but he's still responsible for his choices and I'm afraid punching walls and displaying a complete lack of emotional development rather adds a bit of a dull patina to any shine he might have.

Your daughter might genuinely want to keep this baby because she loves the idea of another baby, but there might be deeper reasons that she isn't opening up about stemming from fear, obligation or guilt.

Sorry OP but you sound like an incredibly weak parent and the result is your child is completely off the rails.

You should have accompanied your daughter to the GP after her first pregnancy and insisted upon some form of long acting contraceptive as a condition for any support from you, financial or otherwise. And stuck to it, thats what a good parent does.

You just sound far too trusting of your teenage daughter who has shown you repeatedly that she makes very poor choices - at 15 she does not need to go out with friends she can host friends at home then you know where she is and with whom. She lost the right to those sorts of freedoms other teens enjoy when she got herself pregnant at a young age and made the poor choice to keep the baby.