DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

It’s a ridiculous way of thinking anyway social housing is in short supply. In some areas people are waiting years for housing. I did. Gone are the days when you could get pregnant go to the council the next day and get the keys to a council house

Ladies, she can't give up children for adoption that aren't hers??? DD wants her kids, so they're staying! its not up to OP in the slightest. she only has control over her behaviour and the rules of her household and how much support she gives DD.

If she stays in a relationship with the father there is a likelihood the children will be taken into care anyway. Which might not be a bad thing. The younger the children, the better chance they have to be adopted x

What do you mean 'look into adoption'? They aren't her kids, she can't have them adopted! And she can raise them if she wants to. Believe it or not, most grandparents do take their grandkids in rather than have them go into care, so do aunts, cousins, older siblings. Social services always look to place kids with relatives before adoption so if they were removed from her DD she would probably end up with them both anyway.

Thing is, the daughter isnt thinking how hard itll be with two under the age of 3. Shes thinking itll be easy, every mum I know with two under 3 have strugggled much less having to do college on top.
Shes going to be in a shock and she is clearly not taking this on board right now. The op is being passive in hoping she doesnt loose her daughter - but its not like the daughter has anywhere to go. Cant see her passing another parenting assessment if shes in a hostel with two babies on her own.

Op has said she cannot look after them full time! As for look into adoption, sit her daugther down & discuss the possibly with her.

Doing just fine ...with the situation..
Which could be so much worse ,if DD wasn't going to college,and baby wasn't going to nursery..and Dd is doing the majority of looking after baby ,.she could be leaving everything to the grandmother to do ,but she isn't .
So yes doing fine within the current situation...that can't be changed,as baby ,and pregnancy is already here ..

Once as a genuine mistake and she’s a good mum who’s seen this lad for what he really is and distanced himself? Sure.
Pregnant again and clinging onto this individual? Nope, feel free to move out and become the next Michelle Duggar if you can’t reliably take the pill and sort out contraception

She needs to stand on her own two feet at some point, and if it takes SS to threaten to intervene because of her choices to make her grow up, so be it

I doubt they'll be taken into care, DD is their primary carer and OP is a protective factor who they live with. Even with an erratic father they are not at risk of significant harm.

They will be taken into foster care!

Where did I say she should have a termination?

They would be taken into foster care.

SS would ask the grandmother. Many grandparents say no.
The grandmother here is a single mum who can’t manage one child let alone three.
When the grandmother says it’s not possible to look after another two kids, they will go into foster care.

I bet you £100 she would have them if the alternative is foster care.

'You had lots of advice last time, but it seems you have decided to go ahead and commit to this second child'-

Clarify what you meant here? Because I remember the advice given, and it was that she should talk her into termination.

I find it all so depressing and wonder what the OP is expecting from this thread (I read her previous one)

There is no good outcome - despite the odd anecdotes of successful stories from such situations. Realistically, these two babies will grow up in relative poverty, where the chances of a good childhood is slim. Maybe they will be well loved by mum and nan, but kids need far far more than 'we did our best'.

To actively choose to bring a second baby into this dire set up is really beyond the pale. Feckless and irresponsible. Poor children.

They won't. Social workers will expect OP to take them, and if she's got any kind of grandmotherly feeling she will. Who would willingly send their grandchildren to be cared for by strangers rather than care for them themselves? Bearing in mind if the local authority go to court they will be planning for permanence from the day the children are removed and that means adoption if the grandparents don't take them in. Thankfully most grandparents with any capacity to care for their grandchildren would walk over hot coals to prevent their grandchildren being adopted but posters on this thread are advocating it like it's a reasonable idea 🙄

Its not ops fault, yes she should of made sure her daughter was on the implant or coil rather than a pill that she was supposedly taking but ultimately its the daughters fault for being so whreckless.
The dad wont stick about, its obvious he cant cope with one let alone two but the daughter is completely blind almost like thinking having another child will suddenly make him wake up.

DD will have a harsh dose of reality when baby #2 comes. I had 2 children 12 months apart and at 28 years of age it hit me like a runaway train. Imagine an 18 year old having all that to deal with. It might just prompt her to get on some reliable contraception

Op has made it very clear she cannot take them on.

Once she's had this current baby, perhaps you could suggest getting one of those contraceptive implants? Avoid baby #3 before she's 19.

Where does it end? My guess is there will be another pregnancy a few months down the line.

You’re treading on egg shells while she’s continuing to make bad decisions regardless so I’d stop that. She needs someone firm and well, if she doesn’t like that she can go stand on her own two week.

This.

No. I meant she has committed to raising the child.

I also suspect Op providing a lot more support than realises. She’s housing dd and paying all bills. Making sure house is clean, safe and warm. I bet she’s buying dd and baby food, cooking meals and ensuring there’s nappies, milk, wipes. Don’t underestimate the amount you are giving.
Even if she got social housing life without you would be a million percent harder.
Does she talk about future, how does she envision life looking. What is salary like for jobs after course she’s on. Is her housing and supporting 2 little ones alone at all realistic or is she likely to be with you longterm.

Fair enough - I obviously read into more than needed. Happy to say sorry.