Criticism of holiday choices - fed up!

[Mintytoothpaste1]

I have teenage girls aged 16 and 19. My 19 year old is at university so still comes on holiday with us, and besides, her younger sister wouldn’t be happy really to come away without her.

I spend a long time every year coming up with holiday ideas that won’t break the bank. We are supporting DD1 through university, which has included buying and insuring a car for her as well as paying all of her living costs. She costs us about £15k per year. We will embark on doing the same for DD2 in 2027, so we are constantly saving.

Despite this we’ve had great holidays - last year a Mediterranean cruise and this year two weeks in Greece. We also manage some city breaks in between, mainly to do something specifically cultural, for example we went to Germany when DD2 was studying German and we’ve been to Rome and Florence to look at art/archaeology for my elder daughter.

I have booked everything, always.

i personally love France because I speak French however we never go there because the rest of the family prefer other destinations, so I go for a long weekend to France every autumn with a good friend instead.

the reason I’m posting is because I’m constantly criticised. So for example I usually start looking for holiday inspiration around September time, and I try looking for perhaps an air bnb within budget, with air con and a decent pool. I read reviews to make sure the wifi works, I check that the property looks comfortable and there are things to do locally. It takes me ages to find something - usually because the price point isn’t right.

the criticism starts from the family because they see me ‘on my phone all the time’ and they accuse me of ‘looking at mumsnet and Facebook.’ In fact I’m often researching a holiday property for the following year. This is especially apparent if for example they are watching a film and they think I should be watching the same film but im
not interested so I start ‘scrolling my phone’ looking at air bnb.

they also accuse me of ‘looking at X or Y because you’re obsessed with that’ ( things related to my own interests) and yet they have their own interests that they are obsessed with, and this appears to be fine.

and then the arguments start. So this year I was planning Italy but my husband said he didn’t want to go there because the food is samey. I replied that our very fussy younger daughter would at least eat pasta and pizza, he scoffed. He offered no alternative suggestion because he has never, ever researched holidays. So we came to Greece and now he says it’s fine but maybe Italy would have been better. The property we are staying in is not within walking distance of the town, so if we go out at night then he has to drive, and he’s a bit sulky about that because he likes a drink. I don’t drive abroad, I don’t feel confident driving on the right.

last night we went for dinner as a family and left under a cloud after a disagreement on next years holiday. Both kids really want to
go to the Alps - which I’m really keen on - but I know they will also want to laze by a pool as well, and the alps doesn’t really fit with that.

So - I suggested a week in the alps followed by a week in an air bnb with a pool - in an adjacent country which will likely have hot weather. My suggestion was to fly in and out of Geneva as a base and spend the second week somewhere like Annecy. This led to a big stink about how ‘you always want to go to France and you’re just trying to get your own way.’

we have not been to France as a family since 2015 when we took the kids to Disneyland paris, which would not have been my choice.

I honestly felt so fed up last night. I don’t mind whether the second week is Italy or France or indeed Germany, but I think Annecy would be wonderful as it’s so pretty. My 16 year old announced she wanted to go to Germany because ‘why should we go to France just because you speak French? I speak German so let’s go there.’

I should add that 3/4 of the family speak French, it’s just that I’m most proficient. Nobody but DD2 speaks German.

DD2 also said she could ‘easily find an air bnb’ in Germany. Frankly, I’ll be astonished if she finds this ‘easy’ once I give her the parameters, so WIBU of this very fed up mum to give her a list of said parameters next month and tell her to fill her boots? I think it will stress her out, but perhaps she will learn a lesson and stop being so bloody ungrateful?

this is not the first time I’ve felt
fed up that my hard work is criticised - I think every year I tend to consider not booking anything for the following year - however I then panic that we won’t have a holiday. Last year’s cruise was a result of that!

sorry for the long post and thanks for reading. I feel like a travel agent who cannot seem to get anything right - and who books holidays for others which aren’t really the holiday she would choose for herself. How long until we can send them off together on some sort of package holiday? Does DD2 need to be 18?

This whole thing is bizarre! I don’t even know where to start! 😆 has to be a wind up?

A bored journo maybe? We’ve had a few of those recently!

Sounds like they have definitely out grown going on holiday with you so moan in the hope you will give them the money to go away without you.

Just wanted to say you and your family are very lucky. My husband has been disabled since youngest was 5 years old and it limits accommodation choices, where in the world we can go, what we can do, and drastically increases the price of insurance. It has also reduced husband's earning capacity. My DC don't know any different to the UK holidays we have, in the less adventurous places (couldn't do a walking holiday in Highlands for example, or a city break in London). This isn't an envy post or anything, just to say appreciate your health and that you and your family get to go on these amazing holidays.

I was thinking this too. Perhaps you can arrange for a relative to look after the 16y old. I would tell 19 year old that she would be better going on holiday with friends. As for husband, perhaps it's his turn to organise? Put yourself first OP.

Yes absolutely, hand it over to her to sort. She seems overly pandered to/cushioned and a reality check and the responsibility of planning the next family holiday could be helpful for her anyway.

It seems it all takes a huge chunk of your time which your family then resent you for. It’s a no win situation.

If you don’t want to eg watch a film then I would say that and leave them to it. Go and do your other hobbies or look at your phone in another room as they obviously find it annoying plus creates tension for you having them on your case.

Go on strike and let them book it.

Thanks, it was me, you mentioned saving originally so I was just wondering how you saved for the various holidays you mentioned.

OP, you may not have been away as a family to France for 10 years, but it is coming across loud and clear that you feel France is the superior destination of choice. I get it, it does indeed have almost everything a tourist could ask for and more. However, when we were young, my dad was a massive Francophile and that really put us off the country and by the time we were teens we started rebelling against his constant desire to go there. One, because we wanted to see more of the world (like your DD, I had taken German at school and my DF always expressed his disappointment that I wasn't as keen/able to speak French as he was), and secondly because we were fed up to the back teeth of hearing how wonderful France and the French were (with negative comparisons to the UK - probably very justified but as a teen it felt very much as a criticism of me personally). Since moving out, I've holidayed in France almost yearly, so I do very much appreciate the country, but do have a good think how you speak about holidays and France, because from it experience it can be really off putting.

Alps are boiling in summer and plenty of pools available. Utterly gorgeous too. Fully recommend Saltzbergerland in Austria.

Agree with this , they sound very much like spoilt brats! And your husband too, leaving it all to you to do.
Go away by yourself, somewhere you’d love!
We supported our second DS through 4 years of Uni ( he’s now doing a scholarship PhD ) probably cost us £20,000 -£25,000
to get him through his 4 years
We dont do holidays abroad, theres 5 of us and we cant afford it, our choice is usually an airb&b in Weymouth, we have spent some short breaks at Haven , our DD would love to go back , even at age 15 but I think we have outgrown Haven!
Do what makes you happy-go away for a short break or 2 weeks by yourself, Shirley Valentine vibes!

This^^

I would book me to France and and tell the rest of them they can fuck off wherever they want to go - just sort it themselves.

Try a hotel air b and b allways seems more expensive and if not its miles from anywhere

This is the equivalent of trying to make dinner for everyone when one person doesn’t like cheese and another won’t eat salad etc. You are either the kind of person who makes 4 meals to accommodate everyone and tolerate the moaning - or you make them pasta and tell them to piss off and make their own dinner if they don’t eat it and say thank you. I am in the latter camp.

I have older teens and wouldn’t tolerate entitled behaviour around holidays. It is such a luxury to be able to go away at all and I think the risk of pandering to stuff like this is that they are not ready to launch as pleasant, tolerant adults who can accommodate others needs and feelings.

I would tell them how rude and entitled they were being and let them know where you are planning to go without consulting them. If they want to come along then great, but I’d also leave it on the table that any moaning and griping they just stay home. I would also remind them that they don’t get a say on what you look at on your phone or whether you pay attention to a film! You sound lovely but they are taking the piss.

Where are you going for your family holiday this year @Mintytoothpaste1 ?And have you booked a solo trip to France?!

Self absorbed bunch you have there. Dunno how you can bear it tbh

Say fine to them all- you find somewhere. Pick holes in their choices (if they make any) and, if they don't come up with a solution (they won't) on the down low book what you were thinking of.
I had this problem with my partner- every suggestion I made had problems for him- so I said you book it, or we are not going anywhere. We finished up on night flights, the property was directly under the flight path near ,the airport, the WiFi ranged between patchy and non existent and the food was very average-plus it cost far more than I usually spent.
Since then I have booked all holidays without getting a murmur.

I have this suspicion that because your own childhood was rough you have overcompensated with your DD - not only are they indulged but they are rude, demanding and ungrateful. I have a similar experience and it’s my choice to spend on my teen / young adult DCs - but the line is firmly drawn at rudeness. Just because I am generous, compassionate, supportive doesn’t mean I am a doormat - and when any of mine have been rude or ungrateful I have called them out about respectful behaviour that they need to apply to every human being - otherwise their careers, friendships, intimate relationships will suffer from this attitude. So I call them out not just for my hurt but for their benefit outside the home.

I also wonder what’s going on with your DH - is he someone you chose who was better than you family of origin - but in reality is not all that - I ask this as it’s the situation I am in - they are happy to sit back let you be the beast of burden in the family with all the emotional load - and then in some quiet passive aggressive way are comfortable watching your DD attack, subjugate and degrade you? What’s his contribution? Where does he step in and lead and protect his wife? You say you are saving £800 a month and working extra shifts for your DDs cars and uni - has he stepped up?

I've really enjoyed reading this thread, loads of helpful suggestions from people (in the main). I set up my own holiday planning business, because I am always the holiday researcher and planner and as much as it's a privileged position to be in, it does actually weigh quite heavily on our shoulders and it is ( I found in my business planning research stage) in the main, the responsibility of the woman of the household to do so.
So I tried to make it easier by doing the research and planning for them, for a fee. And it was popular.
But, I've stopped doing it now, because it felt wrong taking the money, when AI can do sooooo much of the work for you.
If you are stuck trying to find places to go with your family that suit lots of different needs, please take a course in how to use Chat GPT. Then, once you have a handle on it, open it and create a Project (call it Find me a holiday or something) add some prompts as to how you want it to think, some parameters (dates, budget etc) and let the computer do the work for you.
Or have a look at Mindtrip which is a AI holiday planner. (head to You Tube, find a video of an itinerary you like the look of, put the URL into Mindtrip and ask it to create a similar holiday for you).
Fact check all the way, but it can do so much of the legwork.
As for ungrateful teens - even AI can't fix that for you 😂

OP, your children are spoiled.
I’d be tempted to leave them with a relative and go on your own

Sorry Op.
There will come a time when they look and wince at this.

Until then, I’d probably stop doing the big family holiday.