Criticism of holiday choices - fed up!

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I have teenage girls aged 16 and 19. My 19 year old is at university so still comes on holiday with us, and besides, her younger sister wouldn’t be happy really to come away without her.

I spend a long time every year coming up with holiday ideas that won’t break the bank. We are supporting DD1 through university, which has included buying and insuring a car for her as well as paying all of her living costs. She costs us about £15k per year. We will embark on doing the same for DD2 in 2027, so we are constantly saving.

Despite this we’ve had great holidays - last year a Mediterranean cruise and this year two weeks in Greece. We also manage some city breaks in between, mainly to do something specifically cultural, for example we went to Germany when DD2 was studying German and we’ve been to Rome and Florence to look at art/archaeology for my elder daughter.

I have booked everything, always.

i personally love France because I speak French however we never go there because the rest of the family prefer other destinations, so I go for a long weekend to France every autumn with a good friend instead.

the reason I’m posting is because I’m constantly criticised. So for example I usually start looking for holiday inspiration around September time, and I try looking for perhaps an air bnb within budget, with air con and a decent pool. I read reviews to make sure the wifi works, I check that the property looks comfortable and there are things to do locally. It takes me ages to find something - usually because the price point isn’t right.

the criticism starts from the family because they see me ‘on my phone all the time’ and they accuse me of ‘looking at mumsnet and Facebook.’ In fact I’m often researching a holiday property for the following year. This is especially apparent if for example they are watching a film and they think I should be watching the same film but im
not interested so I start ‘scrolling my phone’ looking at air bnb.

they also accuse me of ‘looking at X or Y because you’re obsessed with that’ ( things related to my own interests) and yet they have their own interests that they are obsessed with, and this appears to be fine.

and then the arguments start. So this year I was planning Italy but my husband said he didn’t want to go there because the food is samey. I replied that our very fussy younger daughter would at least eat pasta and pizza, he scoffed. He offered no alternative suggestion because he has never, ever researched holidays. So we came to Greece and now he says it’s fine but maybe Italy would have been better. The property we are staying in is not within walking distance of the town, so if we go out at night then he has to drive, and he’s a bit sulky about that because he likes a drink. I don’t drive abroad, I don’t feel confident driving on the right.

last night we went for dinner as a family and left under a cloud after a disagreement on next years holiday. Both kids really want to
go to the Alps - which I’m really keen on - but I know they will also want to laze by a pool as well, and the alps doesn’t really fit with that.

So - I suggested a week in the alps followed by a week in an air bnb with a pool - in an adjacent country which will likely have hot weather. My suggestion was to fly in and out of Geneva as a base and spend the second week somewhere like Annecy. This led to a big stink about how ‘you always want to go to France and you’re just trying to get your own way.’

we have not been to France as a family since 2015 when we took the kids to Disneyland paris, which would not have been my choice.

I honestly felt so fed up last night. I don’t mind whether the second week is Italy or France or indeed Germany, but I think Annecy would be wonderful as it’s so pretty. My 16 year old announced she wanted to go to Germany because ‘why should we go to France just because you speak French? I speak German so let’s go there.’

I should add that 3/4 of the family speak French, it’s just that I’m most proficient. Nobody but DD2 speaks German.

DD2 also said she could ‘easily find an air bnb’ in Germany. Frankly, I’ll be astonished if she finds this ‘easy’ once I give her the parameters, so WIBU of this very fed up mum to give her a list of said parameters next month and tell her to fill her boots? I think it will stress her out, but perhaps she will learn a lesson and stop being so bloody ungrateful?

this is not the first time I’ve felt
fed up that my hard work is criticised - I think every year I tend to consider not booking anything for the following year - however I then panic that we won’t have a holiday. Last year’s cruise was a result of that!

sorry for the long post and thanks for reading. I feel like a travel agent who cannot seem to get anything right - and who books holidays for others which aren’t really the holiday she would choose for herself. How long until we can send them off together on some sort of package holiday? Does DD2 need to be 18?

Lots of good points! And great Austria/Bavarian suggestions.

I agree mittenwald is beautiful, that’s one of the places we went because dd2 was learning German. It was June and it rained the whole time. But it really was stunning!

I have no problem paying for my adult children to come on holiday with us. This is Mumsnet though so those who's parents were not so generous want everyone else to suffer too.
Mine both came with us on a main holiday up to ages 22 and 20. The younger one still joins us sometimes at 27.
Our last holiday abroad for the 4 of us was a cruise and it was a great holiday.
Like you OP I tried each year to tick all the boxes for everyone. I didn't always get it right but they were never less than appreciative. However I deliberately picked holidays that appealed to them which sometimes meant not exactly what I would choose just for myself. Tbh I love their company so much it's worth a bit of compromise.
One thing I would hate would be an isolated apartment and having to drive. My preference would be a bigger resort on the coast but near places of interest for those that don't just want pool and beach. Somewhere near Málaga for example.
DH has no preference because he would happily never go on holiday but is fine wherever I pick.
We do still have a family break but it's usually a few days in the UK, I rent a house and they come along with partners.

I planned a three week inter-railing trip for my friend and me when I was 17 and loved planning it, so I don't think you'd be unreasonable to give your dc a budget for transport and accommodation, and a deadline and leave her to it.

I feel from your post that you're not really listening to them. They said they'd love the Alps but you don't believe them so are looking elsewhere for an Airbnb with a pool. What appeals to them about the Alps? Do they really care about the pool or are they wanting to try something different? Hiking or something? Would they prefer to actually not have a holiday this year so as to have a bigger budget holiday next year?

Could you explore by train to avoid driving?

Is there anywhere French speaking but not mainland France that would appeal to everyone? Corsica / Canada / Madagascar / Morocco?

Switzerland has the Alps, and speak French and German.

At 16 and 19 they're really too old to be holidaying with parents, so if they don't like your choices then they can stay at home.
If they're desperate for a free holiday, then they put up and shut up.
It's very simple.

Your whole family sound ungrateful. Why do you pay for a car for your DD at Uni? Students are supposed to walk and get the bus. It does them good. Haha. It wouldn't hurt them at all to get a part time job to supplement income at uni. They all sound really ungrateful. You are putting yourself last a lot. France ten years ago and that was Euro Disney - almost America with a french twist. Book yourself and your french speaking friend two weeks in France next year. Tell the others to organise their own holiday. I bet they do nothing.

I definitely agree with the resentment part. I found because I was so obsessive about getting the 'best' thing, I wouldn't let him do it and resented it but he didn't even try because he knew it wouldn't be good enough for me. It spilled into so many things, booking holidays, finding a window cleaner, doing cleaning etc... We have talked about it a lot and tried to find a compromise

Well they sound fucking ungrateful. Leave them at home and go somewhere lovely without them. Job done.

Sounds exhausting

I do recommend the campsites towards the south end of Lake Annecy. You do need to drive but it’s lovely down there.

DH is irritating about holidays. Does no planning (unless it involves taking his vintage French car to France and THEN he's interested). Researches but doesn't book. Expresses interest but won't confirm if he can get time off work. Doesn't read confirmation docs so doesn't know what he or DD need/are doing.

On the other hand he is always grateful and appreciative and does all the driving without complaint.

Sorry, I mean to say that Annecy is gorgeous and has something for everyone and I would book France every year if my family were as ungrateful as yours.

DC (especially young adult DC1) sound spoiled/entitled/ungrateful. They can express their wishes but are not paying and have been treated very well and behaved badly by complaining, making comments to you when you’re online etc. They should no longer get a say in holiday plans. They’re invited and can accept or not.

If DH knew the location of the accommodation and agreed to drive, he shouldn’t then moan or be grumpy about it.

If you love France and haven’t had a family holiday there for a long time and have organised things to suit others’ preferences, now it’s your turn. Book a holiday that suits your preferences, and if that’s a holiday involving driving build driving confidence to share the day driving with DH, and book accommodation in or near a town with taxi services if you like to eat out in the evenings.

The drip feed on your reasons for not driving abroad was irritating. YABU not to drive abroad during the day at least.

I cannot believe they are carping about a paid holiday! Fuck all of them, go to france with your friends and let them have their own well planned and researched holiday. Which you won't be paying for as you're shelling out 30 bloody grand a year for their upkeep! Seriously? Time for them to be getting jobs!

I took my younger dd without her dsis at that age, family holidays aren’t a right and certainly not once at university. one of the nicest trips was just dd2 and me.

im no longer with their dad now and now as young adults plus dsd’s we are planning on finding somewhere we like and if they want to come fine, if not don’t. I’m with your dh though on booking accommodation you have to drive to, that’s a no from me. I prefer a hotel with options on site plus other places walkable, not necessarily ai, happy with b&b but I don’t do cooking on holidays

Goodness.

DD1 has a part time job at university. Unfortunately it involves unsocial hours and it’s on the edge of town, near an industrial estate. There’s some public transport but it’s not wholly safe to walk the distance from the train in the dark.

In the first year she didn’t take her car because there was nowhere to keep it. so she was paying £28 return for a taxi to work and back.

so yes, she took her car in the second year / does that satisfy those of you who think she shouldn’t have her car??

i fully expect somebody to come along now and say she’s mollycoddled because I don’t force her to crawl to work in the snow at 7.30am through the back of an industrial estate. Sometimes people make perfectly reasonable decisions. Who’d have thought?!

I understand wanting to do and pay for lots for our DC, and inviting adult DC on holiday. I do this myself. One of the risks with this is DC developing attitudes and behaviours like yours have.

I don’t understand putting up with entitled, ungrateful behaviour from DC or prioritising their preferences when they behave like this.

They comment on what you look at on your phone? Absolutely not. When is this?

Give them short thrift. It sounds very intense. Controlling.

Let them do the research then with your set parameters.

I’m a planner and I book ahead. But I do think you’re slightly ruining your current holiday and not fully immersed in it if you’re planning the next one whilst you’re still on this holiday.

The only time I think that’s actually acceptable is if choosing to holiday in the same place next year and wanting to walk or drive past various villas that you’ve got on your radar. Or any accommodation obviously within the same area.

Driving abroad - owner of current Villa (air bnb) advertised husband owning a taxi and happy to taxi people about. Reviews attested to the same.

on arrival, turns out he’s 75 and recently has a cardiac event so has recently retired. Owner is lovely and did book us a taxi to the local town (4km) but return fare was €70 if we paid cash, so husband declined.

apologies for drip feeding but imagine the length of the original post if I explained every tiny detail. 🙄

It’s not ‘her car’ if you have paid and continue to pay the vast majority of the costs. It’s a car you provide for her. It’s not essential in the circumstances you describe.

Some parents think funding a car is a great thing to do for young adult DC: you’re one of those. Fine: your money and DC. Others think it better for DC to fund things themselves, seek work in another location or forego paid work. My H is in that camp, partly because of concerns about DC developing entitled attitudes and behaviours.

apologies for drip feeding but imagine the length of the original post if I explained every tiny detail

don't apologise, you can't please everyone. Too short and people.moan that you're drip feeding, too long & they moan & don't read it!

Re the holidays, we're always booking in advance to get a good deal/plenty of time to pay it off or save for it so.I think that's perfectly normal! Its.common on cruises to get a discount on your next one if you book it on board!

In this instance I'd just leave it. Let them plan it if they want, take up 16 YO on her offer to find an air bnb, keep your France trip in the calendar and if you don't get a family holiday next year oh well

Have you tried to get a student job lately? It’s pretty hard. She’s lucky to have a job, happily she can reach it with her car.

she graduates next year and has a funded masters already agreed with an employer, plus a job afterwards, so not much longer to fund her. She’ll soon learn the cost of living, eh? fortunately she will start work on about £80k and she can pay for her own car insurance after that!

Wow! That’s awful how they speak to you and have treated you. You must be very fed up especially being criticised when in your phone researching that would really wind me up!

And you do sound a little obsessed with holidays and they as a result have become totally entitled, spoilt humans.

Don't book anything for next year.

It’s a lot of money to create resentment. Just go for a week in Ibiza.

At 16 and 19 they're really too old to be holidaying with parents, so if they don't like your choices then they can stay at home.

I'm 40 and just returned from Centre Parcs with my parents. I don't age makes a difference

If they're desperate for a free holiday, then they put up and shut up.
It's very simple.

Absolutely agree with this though

I’d just be going without the kids tbh. Sounds horribly hard work and they don’t appreciate it. None of our kids will be getting a free holiday once they are 18. If they want to come along , they’ll have to pay for themselves. I wouldnt be bending over backwards to please them!

Off on a slight tangent but the part time jobs i had as a youth just don't really exist any more... McDonald's hardly seem to have any staff now there's only 1 random till which you aren't really meant to use, supermarkets have so many self service check outs instead of manned tills, cafes and restaurants are closing.

So.your DD has a job but needs a car to get there, big whoop! Loads.of .y friends at uni had cars after first year when we were in houses rather than halls, it's hardly a brew phenomenon!