Criticism of holiday choices - fed up!

[Mintytoothpaste1]

I have teenage girls aged 16 and 19. My 19 year old is at university so still comes on holiday with us, and besides, her younger sister wouldn’t be happy really to come away without her.

I spend a long time every year coming up with holiday ideas that won’t break the bank. We are supporting DD1 through university, which has included buying and insuring a car for her as well as paying all of her living costs. She costs us about £15k per year. We will embark on doing the same for DD2 in 2027, so we are constantly saving.

Despite this we’ve had great holidays - last year a Mediterranean cruise and this year two weeks in Greece. We also manage some city breaks in between, mainly to do something specifically cultural, for example we went to Germany when DD2 was studying German and we’ve been to Rome and Florence to look at art/archaeology for my elder daughter.

I have booked everything, always.

i personally love France because I speak French however we never go there because the rest of the family prefer other destinations, so I go for a long weekend to France every autumn with a good friend instead.

the reason I’m posting is because I’m constantly criticised. So for example I usually start looking for holiday inspiration around September time, and I try looking for perhaps an air bnb within budget, with air con and a decent pool. I read reviews to make sure the wifi works, I check that the property looks comfortable and there are things to do locally. It takes me ages to find something - usually because the price point isn’t right.

the criticism starts from the family because they see me ‘on my phone all the time’ and they accuse me of ‘looking at mumsnet and Facebook.’ In fact I’m often researching a holiday property for the following year. This is especially apparent if for example they are watching a film and they think I should be watching the same film but im
not interested so I start ‘scrolling my phone’ looking at air bnb.

they also accuse me of ‘looking at X or Y because you’re obsessed with that’ ( things related to my own interests) and yet they have their own interests that they are obsessed with, and this appears to be fine.

and then the arguments start. So this year I was planning Italy but my husband said he didn’t want to go there because the food is samey. I replied that our very fussy younger daughter would at least eat pasta and pizza, he scoffed. He offered no alternative suggestion because he has never, ever researched holidays. So we came to Greece and now he says it’s fine but maybe Italy would have been better. The property we are staying in is not within walking distance of the town, so if we go out at night then he has to drive, and he’s a bit sulky about that because he likes a drink. I don’t drive abroad, I don’t feel confident driving on the right.

last night we went for dinner as a family and left under a cloud after a disagreement on next years holiday. Both kids really want to
go to the Alps - which I’m really keen on - but I know they will also want to laze by a pool as well, and the alps doesn’t really fit with that.

So - I suggested a week in the alps followed by a week in an air bnb with a pool - in an adjacent country which will likely have hot weather. My suggestion was to fly in and out of Geneva as a base and spend the second week somewhere like Annecy. This led to a big stink about how ‘you always want to go to France and you’re just trying to get your own way.’

we have not been to France as a family since 2015 when we took the kids to Disneyland paris, which would not have been my choice.

I honestly felt so fed up last night. I don’t mind whether the second week is Italy or France or indeed Germany, but I think Annecy would be wonderful as it’s so pretty. My 16 year old announced she wanted to go to Germany because ‘why should we go to France just because you speak French? I speak German so let’s go there.’

I should add that 3/4 of the family speak French, it’s just that I’m most proficient. Nobody but DD2 speaks German.

DD2 also said she could ‘easily find an air bnb’ in Germany. Frankly, I’ll be astonished if she finds this ‘easy’ once I give her the parameters, so WIBU of this very fed up mum to give her a list of said parameters next month and tell her to fill her boots? I think it will stress her out, but perhaps she will learn a lesson and stop being so bloody ungrateful?

this is not the first time I’ve felt
fed up that my hard work is criticised - I think every year I tend to consider not booking anything for the following year - however I then panic that we won’t have a holiday. Last year’s cruise was a result of that!

sorry for the long post and thanks for reading. I feel like a travel agent who cannot seem to get anything right - and who books holidays for others which aren’t really the holiday she would choose for herself. How long until we can send them off together on some sort of package holiday? Does DD2 need to be 18?

Yes I understand that it part time work opportunities in many places are limited. You have chosen to subsidise her to help her to get paid work and reduce transport costs, in her chosen location of study. Entirely your choice. Many parents with the financial means would do as you have; many others wouldn’t. One of the risks of the choice you’ve made is DC behaving as yours now is. Again it’s up to you what you do about that.

Her potential future earnings seem irrelevant.

As long as I paid for their holidays, my DC went where they were told. The last holiday we had together was to SE Asia and DD helped choose the accommodation. She was 18. I would not be giving them a choice of country - tell them where about you’re going and ask them if they like to come. If they moan, they can stay home!

OP, im hoping you can answer my question about how you save for all these holidays? Genuinely asking for tips!

I'm not going to address your wider relationship with your DDs but specifically on the holidays point, I'd absolutely be downing tools and saying to your ungrateful family that you're done planning holidays that nobody is grateful for, that you've done your time and it's over to them to plan now. He who pays the piper calls the tune...so if you want a free holiday you have to go along with what is on offer (bar some general suggestions like - can we make sure we have good wifi, or it would be nice to be in a villa or whatever). But if those suggestions are not taken on board for whatever reason, then tant pis!

(I'm currently on holiday with my parents, my DH and DCs, and my DBro and his wife and DCs so you are never too old to holiday with your parents!)

I love researching and planning holidays. DH likes to go skiing with DS and to Pembrokeshire every other year. Aside from skiing, we all have similar interests but I’ll be damned if I let DS get away with moaning about where I pick.

Enjoy your week in France without them OP.

just read the full thread (well your posts) you sound so lovely OP! I will come to the alps and France with you!

my francophobe husband shattered everyone of my dreams about returning to Mont St Michel which I fell in love with on a school trip aged 12.

They clearly want your attention and you to spend some time with them rather than just throwing money at them and being on your phone all the time. We often go on 7 holidays a year but I could still watch a film with my kids without having to be on a phone researching where we're going to go. I don't see how finding an airbnb is so difficult either, you can literally put in all the filters you want.

Absolutely give your DD the parameters and let her find somewhere to stay, I'm sure she won't need to be doing it through films you're supposed to be watching as a family. You sound like a complete drama llama to me OP.

The Alps in summer is amazing.....6 of us are off to French Alps on Friday - only booked the travel yesterday and the chalet last week. There was loads of choice and lots of bargains most of the ski chalets dont get booked up. So no need to plan ahead. Also plenty of pools - the small village we are staying at has 3 public pools and there are stunning lakes to swim in. Some apartments and most hotels will have a pool. Loads to do from canyoning, white water rafting, glacier skiiing, hiking, rock-climbing, cyclying etc. Stay in a village so they can get off on their own and you can have time with your DH. At this age my lot piss me off as they have so many other social commitments & festivals so they cant commit to two weeks - so I just say come or dont and make your own way to the house if you are coming on different days.

I also think a week with older kids is enough. My oldest has just turned 25 so at least he can now hire a car and scoot around with his siblings rather than us feeling like scout leaders running the travel logistics.

They’re old enough to not come so I would just choose a destination. Tell them they are welcome to come or not but if they want to go somewhere else they can book and pay for it themselves.

They’re old enough to not come so I would just choose a destination. Tell them they are welcome to come or not but if they want to go somewhere else they can book and pay for it themselves.

Do you enjoy the planning stage? How would you feel if someone else did it without putting in hours of research to optimise the trip and budget?

I'd definitely let them agree/choose or have to go with my suggestions.

Mont St Michel which I fell in love with on a school trip aged 12. @fatgirlswims

I had quite high expectations having been to St Michael's Mount in Cornwall and Lindisfarne (both of which I loved). I didn't like it at all- first of all it was extremely busy, we did expect that but it was a bit of a culture shock after the lovely quiet bits of France we'd just been to on the rest of the holidays. It was full of not great places to eat and drink (at least by the usual French standards) and overpriced tourist shops- again, no shit Sherlock I guess but still very different from other places we'd been to.

What I didn't expect was to not like the actual abbey at all. I had such a strong feeling of aversion and kept saying "It feels like a prison, I feel that I can't get away, I just want to go" and had to sit down and focus on my breathing to avoid a panic attack. That has happened to me only in one place before (London Dungeon on Tooley Street) and that was 20+ years ago so it's hardly a regular occurrence.

When we got off the island I felt such relief, and looked it up. It was a prison - for at least 70 years after the French revolution. I'm not claiming to be "woo" - I can't discount that I've maybe read that about the place in the past and subconsciously remembered it, but it was certainly an interesting experience.

Not the point but thanks to you OP I've booked a few days in Annecy for next year with DP! Going to get the Eurostar to Paris, have an amazing lunch, then carry on down the train.

Your DD's dont realise how lucky they are . My 2 DS's age 16 and 15 have never been abroad .
Leave the girls at home if they are going to be rude and spoilt about it

@Mintytoothpaste1 Dearest OP. You have made a rod for your own back and you are allowing them to beat you with it. It really is time to go on strike and step away from the holiday planning for next year.

Tell your loving family that you have simply run out of holiday ideas, and you have decided to hand the entire thing over to them. That way, all three of them can get exactly what they want out of a holiday, and you will be happy with wherever they choose. Then say no more about the matter, just sit back and wait.

As someone else suggested. They all come up with ideas of which location along with some accommodation that meets your needs by a certain date and then have a family discussion.

Tbh I dont know how you do it. I had enough trouble with DH for a UK break - everywhere was too far, "what will we do", and then when he discovered the prices...

If my DDs act like that in a few years time I’ll not be taking them anywhere. I’d say go away just with dh but he sounds like hard work too. Maybe a solo or girls’ holiday instead?

A family discussion in which the OP sits quietly and has no opinion to offer other than whether she can do the dates. All decisions, the final choice and the matter of actually booking the thing & paying for it can be done by someone else. 🙂

I had the exact experience this year with my two DD. Moaned about the hotel, food, my requests to join me for a trip/breakfast/walk.
They showed their gratitude by sleeping until the afternoon and talking to me like shit.
I'm not taking them on holiday again.
If you feel inclined, give them both a bit of cash next year (I suggest £200) and tell them to book their own bloody holiday. See how they go with that budget.

Enjoy this holiday no more rows. And then that’s the last family one. They are both grown up now.

Ah well you’ve all made me laugh at least, and I’m glad I’ve inspired somebody to go to Annecy, it’s truly lovely and you wont be disappointed - but while you’ve gone that far, you should try to see Chamonix and go and have a look at the Mer de Glace and go up the Aiguille du midi on the cable car, both are unforgettable!

Re saving, somebody keeps mentioning this and I don’t know if you mean saving for holidays or for university?

I started saving for both my kids when they were 12, one pot for university and one for a car. It was quite hard to sustain this once the younger child also reached 12, as I was then putting away £800 per month for a period of time, which I funded through working extra hours.

The uni pots both aim for about £21-22k by the time each child reaches 18, and that has contributed to living costs at about 7k per year then we’ve supplemented this every month while she’s been at university to avoid having to take the maintenance loan - but she does have the tuition loan and she works.

The car pot has been less successful because the cost of cars went up a lot after Covid, but we again added a bit to the pot when she turned 17 so she had a car
and looking on the bright side, it’s saved on train fares and trips up and down the country for us at the end of term (though that’s little consolation because the insurance is expensive). We only let her take it to university because she needed it for her job, however in her house of 6, five of them have a car at university and she’s actually the only one with a job locally.

I still have 2 years of saving to reach what I need for my 16 year old to provide the same. I cannot wait to stop saving, I have to be really disciplined about it.

On the subject of cars, either of the girls could technically have learned in one of our cars, but I drive a fairly big people carrier and DH drives a smaller car on lease from work, so neither of those are ideal for a first time driver. Appreciate they are very lucky, I certainly had nothing of the sort given to me, and where we live it’s pretty standard for kids to be given cars at 17-18, some even have brand new cars, which I cannot believe!

anyway this has been (mainly) a supportive thread and I’m thinking now of handing some responsibility for next years holiday to the three of them and maybe keeping my gob shut when the place turns out to have not enough sofa space or poor wifi! Perhaps then they’ll see the time and effort that goes into bringing in a holiday within a budget that doesn’t make my husband moan! Or perhaps I’ll just make disappointed comments about the things I don’t like.

I was also watching my husband drive this morning and wondering whether I might have a go next time (I’m not insured on the current hire car) provided it’s light and we are somewhere with fathomable road markings (France would be ideal…!). I think the combination of driving on the right and being on the wrong side of the car looks quite alarming but perhaps it’s not as bad as I think. Or we could afford to stay somewhere central and suck it up when the accommodation doesn’t have a pool.

and when the saving has stopped and they’ve all buggered off iM Going to spend my money on a French immersion course somewhere nice, perhaps for a whole six weeks, and any Francophile is welcome to come!

Annecy is lovely; go there with or without your family! 😉 I would make another suggestion - the south Bavarian alps: gorgeous towns; beautiful lakes; the Castles of Ludwig (stunning).

Consider Merano in the Dolomites in north Italy. Most of the population are bilingual and speak German as the area was formerly part of Germany. Great food and service, lovely mountain scenery, and if you go somewhere with a pool, it’s usually hot enough to lounge outside as it has a special microclimate. Lots of activities, and if you don’t like driving, take the train from Verona (taxi needed between airport and train station).

Hi @Borisssss - whereabouts are you staying? I am looking to do exactly this in a few years for my 50th when nobody will be able to object to my plans 😉

Yes, do recruit your younger daughter to help look for holiday accommodation - you can start sharing the workload and she might be good at it and find things you don't giving you more options.