How do you deal with disappointing GCSE mock results?

[3oldladiesstuckinalavatory]

My bright son is startging to get his GCSE mocks results back and seems to be hovering around the 4/5 mark so far. Whist for some kids, this should be a cause for celebration, DS has done absolutely no work at all, despite being in all the top sets, and I'm really pissed off with him. I have no idea what to do with a kid who just doesn't care.

Maybe he'll scrape enough passess next year for 6th form college, but that seems like a bad option for a kid with zero drive to succeed. I am disappointed and don't know how to handle my feelings around this. I'm tempted to tell him he's lazy and that he will get what he deserves when all his mates go off to university, but I have long suspected he has innattentive ADHD and I don't think that approach will help. It's worth noting we went through the NHS diagnostic process a few years ago, and they said that he doesn't meet the threshold, so that's a dead end (not that it would change who he is - extra time on exam papers is not going to help, it might even make things worse).

Should we give him a bollocking or just leave him to coast along and leave him to find out for himself where zero effort will get him?

To make matters worse for him, we're financially comfortable and he has lived a life of privilege. He doesn't know what it means to struggle.

I feel like we are failing him.

And why exactly are there no options between out and out bollocking and just leaving him to it ?

Why are you defining success only as academic?

Why is it that your feelings are front and central here? You don't mention his at all. You say he just doesn't care but I suspect that is your perception and you haven't spoken to him at all.

If he does have ADHD then a bollocking won’t make any difference. Work with him to find out what might motivate him, talk about how he feels about deadlines and pressure and make a plan with him.

The whole point of mocks is to scare them into knuckling down isn't it?
Anyway, all they need is whatever is required for the next stage of their journey so maybe tell him that he needs to work harder but the only options aren't a bollocking and giving up on him

I'd probably be saying calmly, 'Oh right. Well that's clearly what you are likely to get unless you put some more work in. Will you be happy with those grades as actual GCSE and will they let you do what you want in future?'

I think it's better to do bad in the mocks & realise you need to pull your socks up?

Sometimes poor grades are the kick they need. I’d also expose him to the kind of options he’d have if he doesn’t get the grades he needs for level 3 courses eg a levels, also apprenticeships require set grades too.

Bribery.
Look round some 6th forms - and start thinking about alternatives to 6th form if traditional studies don't engage him.
BTECs, apprenticeships etc.
There's more to life than A levels and Universities

You don’t fail anyone by you having money. We are fairly well off and DDs didn’t have to struggle for anything but they had self respect and could see their dad worked hard at his business. They could understand that feeling good about yourself wasn’t just down to your parents. They had to aim high and put effort in too.

I’ve seen what you describe quite often in boys. They don’t have any diagnosis but seem to think they don’t need to put in any effort. I’ve seen it in poor families too. It seems to be a deep rooted belief that everything will be ok and that they simply don’t care. After all, you won’t throw him out will you? They don’t want to go to university either so no impetus to be good enough to go.

The best option might be finding a job. What does he want? Do not fund the extras he might want - driving lessons, a car etc. Try to get to the bottom of what he does think the next few years could offer? However you will keep him at home and you will put up with it because what are the alternatives?

Thanks for your reply.

If it sounds like I haven't talked about his feelings, it's because I haven't spoken to him yet. He doesn't talk to me about much and hasn't come home since getting the results. Not because he's worrried about telling us, he's out with his mates because that's what he values the most.

I think I have assumed he doesn't care. But, maybe he does?

Just to be clear, I don't think success is just academic. I have been burned by the higher education sector myself recently and would suppot my kids not going to uni, but I'm very mixed up about it all! I was a straight A kind of a kid, went to uni and sailed through life... but that was in the last millenium and there's been a lot of water under the bridge with society, education and the economy since then. I have always thought I would support my kids to do whatever they want in life, but I'm really anxious about DS being so apathetic. It's pushing a lot of my buttons, hence the question of what to do.

He's end of year 10 then, and getting grade 4/5s? I wouldn't worry about it!

Not from England so I don’t know when in the year GCSE’s are done.

Working on the assumption that he doesn’t have ADHD, I’d be glad that these are just mock results and not the real ones.

So, for me (bearing in mind that I don’t know your current routine with him etc), I wouldn’t let this lie for a minute. What’s he spending his days doing? Gaming, on his phone, sleeping half the day? Our doing hobbies, seeing friends? Does he help you around the house?

I’d get him to make a study schedule right away. Work out what subjects he’s done worst in and prioritise them (with thought given to long term plans and aspirations and how important each subject actually is). Dedicated study time starts now and there can be no more messing around. Be on him.

If he refuses or half-arses it, you stop any pocket money, privileges, luxuries etc. Block his wifi, ground him…whatever works for you.

He may just get the kick he needs by seeing poor results, in which case this is all redundant. However, don’t let it slide or wait for him to do it himself. Or else you’ll have a lazy, unemployed, sponging 30 year old still living with you.

Maybe it would be good for him to get a part time job now too (or if you have a friend/family member who could take him on at their employment?). Let him see how low minimum wage is, how tired he is working for such little gain, how it takes his social/gaming/hobbies time away in an instant. Dose of reality might go a long way.

He's getting 4s and 5s with no effort. Don't over react. He needs to want to do well, otherwise nothing you say will help.

Talk to him about y12, what does he want to do? If he's unsure, look at what he enjoys and the entrry requirements. Take the conversation from there.

"Why exactly are there no options between out and out bollocking and just leaving him to it ?" is a very good question. In fact, it is THE question. What's between those two positions? I need to work that part out. It's probably worth saying here that my own teenage years were a bit of a shitshow and that I struggle with discipline now my own kids are this age. I would have got a massive bollocking for almost anything I did or didn't do, and I try so hard not to do that to my kids. I'm having therapy and can totally resist the urge to shout at them most of the time, but do struggle with finding other options and tend to opt for long lectures...

Not that that works!

This is good. It's calm and turns it over to him. Thank you!

I can see what you mean - even if your kids don’t go to uni, they still need a work ethic to succeed in any learning or work environment.

Dedication, commitment, the ability to work without instant gratification. All important no matter what path someone takes.

I think this is also good. I think he needs to get a job and to understand about life outside of school and his family (and social media!).

I got my first job aged 13 and loved the independance and responsibility.

It's harder now for teens to work, but I agree that this is probably just what he needs. Most places round here need a national insurance number, but he will get his at the end of the year - not great for GCSEs, but if that's not his priority then maybe not so much of a worry? If he's not revising he might as well be building up a CV.

Shouting has its place in life! You have to show displeasure somehow! Or he just rules the roost doesn’t he? What about parents’ evening at school? What do his teachers think? No doubt exasperated but is there anyone he would listen to? Have his marks always been at this level? Or was he formerly top set? Is it just more of the same or a downward spiral?

He's still top set. He's been doing just enough at school to get by. He's in a very average local comp. and the ethos there is very much do the bare miniumum (although it seems that his friends have done a lot better than him and annecdotally I have heard from other parents that they were revising and taking things seriously). His teachers don't seem particularly engaged themselves unfortunately, but didn't raise any concerns at parents evening. He's often in detention for lateness though.

Thank you. He wants to go to one of the best 6th forms locally, to do creative arts A levels. I'm not sure this is a good idea as the college has a reputation for expecting students to be self starters and to manage their own workload.

If you think he may have inattentive ADHD, would he be willing for you to be more closely involved in revision with him.
eg Prepare a timetable together with clear aims for a session, you do 1-1 revision with him to help him focus, use of Apps like Tassomai?

4s&5s in the real thing would indicate T-Level/BTEC may be more appropriate. If he wants to do A levels and set himself up to succeed he needs to learn how to revise and to come out with a lot more 6+ grades.

What are the entry grades needed to do his creative arts A level? If he goes in on the sixth form entry grade, what A level grade do they typically come out with? At 4s and 5s he isn't cut out for most A levels and would be better doing a BTEC or similar. These are things you both need to look into now.

Personally I am all for showing disappointment because in top set he knows he hasn't performed as well as he should. It will be your house he lives in for a long time if he cannot find a job that pays him well enough so both of you need to think long term.

Back when I went to uni you could get in on relatively low grades. You might want to look now that CCC at A level is more likely a foundation course than an undergrad so most doors are closed to him.

Does he know how to revise?

He didn’t study so got the grades that he deserved. 🤷‍♀️

You need to talk to him and find out what he thinks about his grades. Some kids will think yikes and start focusing, others will feel like they have a year and not care - where does he fall on that spectrum? If he’s shocked or embarrassed then there’s a good chance that he’ll take things seriously and work so doesn’t need a bollocking- more support like tutoring etc

Does he have plans for after GCSEs? Not retaking English and maths were strong motivators for my son and he was happy never to have to retake. If his goals require top grades eg medical school then he needs to wake up and realise that his gcse in RE or whatever seems unimportant to him now could be the reason why he doesn’t get to go.

If you want to throw money at the problem then you could make driving lessons and a car (after passing his test) dependent on results. I assume that he gets too much pocket money to make money for each 7/8/9 not so meaningful. You’d be delaying the lack of studying for post 16 education but many use that incentive.

Just saw the creative art update. Does he work on a portfolio in his free time? Interviews for Sixth form will be around the corner and he might want to be ready with some work to show.

Not that it’s likely to ever happen again (god hopes!) but my DC1 got stung with this- coasted y10 and first few months of y11. Had mocks in November and got 5s with the odd 4. Was aiming for, and perfectly capable of 7s. Finally pulled his socks up after Xmas. Report issued at end of Feb said back on target for 7s with the odd 6/8.

COVID hit and teachers had to allocate grades based on mocks and previous evidence. Unfortunately 8/10 weeks of effort wasn’t sufficient to override two years of doing the bare minimum. He was allocated several 5s, the majority 6s and a few 7s in his best subjects. Nearly didn’t get into 6th form (wouldn’t have done in a normal exam year).

I got an E in my maths GCSE mock, I was a straight A student but lazy and probably a bit cocky, I didn't find school difficult so I didn't put much effort into the subjects I didn't like. I was absolutely gobsmacked to get that E my stomach turned over, my maths teacher pulled me aside and said to me you might be able to walk into other classes half pay attention, write something fancy and get the top grade in the class, but that doesn't work here, you work hard or you fail. It scared the living daylights out of me. I knuckled down gave the work the attention it deserved and then cried when I opened my results and I got an A* in maths. I'm not saying that teacher was wholly professional, but he was right, he gave me a massive grin on results day and just said let that be a lesson! It also shows that for a bright student you can pull it back in a few months.
You need to talk to him and find out what he wants and what the barriers are. Mine was attitude but his might not be.