How do you deal with disappointing GCSE mock results?

[3oldladiesstuckinalavatory]

My bright son is startging to get his GCSE mocks results back and seems to be hovering around the 4/5 mark so far. Whist for some kids, this should be a cause for celebration, DS has done absolutely no work at all, despite being in all the top sets, and I'm really pissed off with him. I have no idea what to do with a kid who just doesn't care.

Maybe he'll scrape enough passess next year for 6th form college, but that seems like a bad option for a kid with zero drive to succeed. I am disappointed and don't know how to handle my feelings around this. I'm tempted to tell him he's lazy and that he will get what he deserves when all his mates go off to university, but I have long suspected he has innattentive ADHD and I don't think that approach will help. It's worth noting we went through the NHS diagnostic process a few years ago, and they said that he doesn't meet the threshold, so that's a dead end (not that it would change who he is - extra time on exam papers is not going to help, it might even make things worse).

Should we give him a bollocking or just leave him to coast along and leave him to find out for himself where zero effort will get him?

To make matters worse for him, we're financially comfortable and he has lived a life of privilege. He doesn't know what it means to struggle.

I feel like we are failing him.

Thanks everyone for your excellent advice.

Oh dear me please stop. Make a list of the positives including your financial status, rejoice and then get off his back. Leave him to figure it out and work towards it. You may not agree but it is completely down to him, whichever route he takes
I feel your pain,my son is now the owner of a very successful creative company.

Stop what @Julimia ?

Stop panicking. A bright kid can get decent gcse grades with a few weeks of cramming.
The urgency of the real exams is a motivator in a way that mocks will never be. This is only troublesome in that if he wants to move school for sixth form some require decent mock grades.
fwiw my ds got 4s and 5s in mocks and predictions. Coasted through school paying very little attention, then did 6 weeks of work and got mostly 7/8s

Thanks @allgrownupnow. I'm sure mine could do the same too, if he was motivated.

He does need to leave school and needs good predictions to get into college - there's no sixth form where he is. Which is probably for the best, since it's a bit rubbish generally.

I have spoken to him now and he is pleased with his results and thinks he has done really well, so I am going to hire a maths tutor (he has asked for one) and then back off until he needs something else.

I honestly think there's no point shouting at him, he'll just feel like you're the enemy and he needs to be on the defensive. I'd suggest talking to him, discussing what he wants to do with his future, is he OK with these results, does he feel they reflect who he is, would he like some help improving (more structure from you, a tutor, a reward system etc). The reality is, not many kids "don't care", but it's easier to say you don't care than say "God I did badly, and I thought I was smart and would do better and now I feel ashamed, embarrassed, stupid, anxious about my future etc". Not shaming him, helping him talk about those feelings and process them will help him open up, which is what you need. If he genuinely doesn't care, and feels that his results don't matter to him, you can't really force it, he might be one who comes back to it later on, or finds his niche doing something none academic. That's ok, so long as he understands the path he is on and feels comfortable with it and has a plan.

@Julimia So it’s entirely up to him if he sponges off his parents for the next 20 years? Great. Parents need to parent and that means having conversations that affect the whole family!

Of course a few people might find a niche and be self employed but many young people lol around at home doing nothing. 1 million at the moment. But - not to worry, they will figure it out. Except they don’t.

look together at the entry requirements for the A levels he might like. Some will require 7s in certain subjects. Go to the open evenings in October and get him excited about these subjects and the career / app / uni paths they offer. Might make him see that 4s and 5s are ok but he needs more. Alternatively offer him financial rewards per grade 7-9…..

We've given all our children a bollocking if they haven't studied well.

All went to grammar. Have good GCSEs and A-levels and went to good unis

Nothing to do with sponging off anyone. To do with mindset, motivation, and s using what he has. Someone breathing down their neck is a complete turn off. Encouragement and genuine support (for their plans) is the way. Of course parents need to parent (silly phrase) from day one but that doesn't mean doing all their thinking and controlling for them.

Whingeing? Presurre? Emmotive behaviour? Being disappointed? .... you choose.

@Julimia What plans? He doesn’t have any! That’s the issue. He’s not interested in school work or a career. Of course parents can support plans but lazing around isn’t a plan.

@TheCurious0range I did really badly in my mocks - 28% in Maths with the class average being 72%! Managed a B a few months later in my actual O level. In my defence I had just changed schools after moving house and my old school was doing SMP maths and my new school was doing algebra and calculus which I'd never touched.

I told my 4dc that it was entirely up to them how much work they put into their gcses and A levels. It was their life not mine. They were all very self motivated though my youngest who is in y12 going into y13 does struggle a bit. The school are asking for an ADHD assessment.
I know a bollocking wouldn't have worked with me, I'd have stuck my heels in even more.

@Sunnyafternooning covid definitely hasn't helped our dc. Ds was in year 12 in 2020 so had already done his gcses but obviously they were in and out - mostly out for the next year. He decided he would go in 2021 to university and has just graduated with a MEng. Ds has an interview today for an internship and is applying for lots of jobs. My eldest and youngest are both very horizontal!

His friends doing better than him after they actually revised may help focus his mind. He won’t want to fail compared to them and can now see revision is not so terminally uncool - his friends will do it, now the crunch time is here.

I also have told them it's their life. But I've also told them that if they didn't work hard at school they'd be less job opportunities for them when they became older.

It all flows. Poor GCSEs, poor A-level choices, not going to a good uni.

I've used the rhetoric "do you want to be stacking shelves in Tesco for the rest of your life?"

Former English teacher here and mother of 2 sons, one now at uni, the other waiting for his results.
Talk to your son. Ask him what he wants.
Both my boys are academically bright but neither worked hard during mocks or even the GCSEs themselves. Eldest scraped through with a 6, a few 5s and the rest were 3s. He absolutely could have done better. He got just enough to get into 6th form college, suddenly decided he wanted to go to uni and suddenly started working.
Youngest did not respond to nagging. I could have taken away his Xbox and phone and told him to revise. He would probably have done what I did and resorted to writing stories and poetry and only picked a book up when I heard my mum coming. He went to all the school revision sessions but did little revision outside of that. He wants to go to college. We’ll see if he makes it.
You can’t pass his exams for him and you can’t make him want it as much as you do.
Talk to him about what he wants his future to look like and the realities of how he’s going to get there. Sometimes the stress of exams puts students into fight or flight. Knowing how much you want him to do well might be forcing him to a position of bravado where he says he doesn’t care or demonstrates a nonchalance about the whole thing. But underneath he probably does and is scared he won’t measure up.
Also, the mocks are a practice run. Some people do badly in them and then turn it around. Others do really well and then flunk the real thing.

Sounds very much like my youngest. He didn't even scrape a pass for his English GCSE and then got an even worse grade in the resit. Was kicked out of 6th form after the first year for getting all U grades at AS level so had to find a college to take him. They were amazing! He got on a Btec course, then did a degree with a foundation year at Uni and is currently studying a masters in his chosen subject. He did go private for a diagnosis and get himself medicated whilst at Uni, which I believe has helped massively. Still mostly apathetic unless he has a deadline. I don't think there's much you can say to your son, but it's not the end of the world if he has to do resits. There's just so much pressure on kids these days.

You’re not failing him. My DS has just done GCSEs and like yours top set but didn’t push himself, went through the motions. I have some advice based on what helped and mistakes i made. Understand what the mocks were - whole papers or part of papers. Understand from the papers where his weaknesses are. Get him to fill some gaps over the summer. Year 11 is v intense and little time for each subject, he needs to make up ground now (i didn’t push DS over summer or find out weaknesses and he really ran out of time) We didn’t but I might be tempted to tutor if some important subjects he has fallen down in. Try to work on a goal with him for sixth form and beyond. Look at grade requirements and discuss with him. Best unis often say they expect good GCSE grades.

I spent the whole year taking the horse to water and he wasn’t drinking. I suspect mine will get some v good grades but some will be a lesson. If I had done no pushing I suspect he would have done a lot less, but I can’t be sure and some points wondered if it was worth it.

I know boys can be hard to motívate from my experience and that of friends. I am going to try to show him early what he will need for uni or other options as I feel a clear goal would be very helpful.

Above all, don’t blame yourself. My biggest lesson of all was they are their own person. Best of luck!

This is so often not the case though. It can happen but if they haven’t done well end of year ten relying on 6 weeks of cramming is not wise imo. Too much content, especially if they are doing 10+ subjects

Not studying is a really good way to protect your self worth when you don’t know how to study or where to begin. You can shrug and say “well I couldn’t be bothered with it” and think “if I had studied, I’d have done well” vs trying and failing to work at it and doing poorly all the same. This might not be what your son is doing, but I wouldn’t assume that he doesn’t care just because he doesn’t put the work in. Talk to him?

Have a really good sit down chat with him, not a bollocking that will just make him clam up, but a chat about what he wants and what the barriers were to him studying and doing better.
I struggled to revise by reading my notes until I came up with the strategy of recording my notes then going for long walks whilst listening to them.
Maybe he needs to rethink what revision looks like, there’s so many different ways to revise now…watch videos, design online quizzes, make up silly songs and stories, get together with friends and test each other, do practical questions. Maybe help him come up with a few different ideas to try and a timetable of subjects so he doesn’t feel so daunted.

Then, talk to him about his subjects…are there any where he’s struggling or the teacher isn’t very good (or there’s an endless parade of supply teachers) if so, could you afford to pay for some tutoring sessions in his weaker areas just to build his confidence?

The problem with labelling a child as “bright” or “clever” is that they can feel unable to ask for support during times when they don’t feel very clever.

@Ffgwgw I did help them if they asked eg I did 1 to 1 revision with dd1 and ds. And when dd2 got in a state when she was asked for an A* in FM when she'd been predicted an A I found a maths tutor for a few sessions for her. They had first hand experience of people working in dead end jobs but ultimately they were doing it for themselves not me.

Thanks for all the positive stories and thank you again everyone who has offered advice. DS thinks he's done really well, so I suspect we might need to support him to go to open days, keep an open mind and leave him to it.