Can't cope with teenagers any more

[Springhare76]

Just that really. I have DS1, 17 and DS2, 15 years (plus DS3 who is 7). I have basically raised DS1 and 2 singlehandedly since my ex had an affair and moved out when they were 1 and 3 years. I've worked full time their entire childhoods to give them the best I can, a lovely house that I own, clothes, 2-3 holidays per year, private school and yet they have turned out to be horrible, uncaring people who seem to hate me. They literally have nothing to say to me, reply with phrases like, "what are you talking about?" if I ask anything about them, imply I am stupid etc. They come and go as they want, order Deliveroo all the time, don't tidy their rooms and hardly clear up after themselves, plus constantly have friends over. They go out and never tell me where they are and never answer their phones so I worry constantly where they are. They use my gym membership and DS2 uses my debit card. I want to take them on holiday this summer but they both refuse as they want to hang out with their friends. DS2 plays a lot of football so I drive him to endless football matches - he never says thank you and tell me I'm embarrassing him if I watch the game. He'll glare at me if I ask him something and refuse to answer. None of the other players are like this and all seem kind to their mums. I also drive him to school every day as his school is far away, it takes me 30 mins then and 50 on the way back. Again, never a please or thank you. The older one has ADHD and we have had the roughest few years with a permanent school exclusion, failed managed move and then having to get tutors in every subject to get him to do any revision as he refused to do any if left to his own devices. I have battled to keep him in education but he has no motivation and his attendance is less than 50%. He now goes out most nights at 11pm to 12pm and comes back around 3am. Apparently he is playing basketball then goes to the gym. I fell asleep at 1am last night then woke up at 3am and realised he was out of the house. He came back at 3.30am then stayed up until 6am so obviously then missed the entire day of sixth room as he's asleep. I couldn't get back to sleep after that so have been awake since 3am. I basically went crazy at him and told him he needs to go and live with his dad as I cannot take this anymore. I have put a bar on his phone as it's the only influence I have , that and money. What did I do wrong in raising them? I am heartbroken that it has come to this. I don't see a way I can have a relationship with either of them again given the amount of unkindness and disrespect.

Thank you all for your very helpful comments. Helps to know others have been through the same thing. I am trying to "drop the rope" but failing massively and we are still having massive rows every morning as he sleeps in and just refuses to get up to go to school. His attendance is 33%. I've told him he needs to go and live with his dad and he refuses. I honestly can't stand to watch him just throw his life away because he can't bring himself to make an effort. He got a couple offers from uni, including on at a really good uni who gave him a contextual offer which he seems happy about but he still can't make any effort. I think our relationship is damaged beyond repair.

Just looked at resits and it actually seems quite easy to re-sit A-levels so i guess that's an option if he fails, although I can't imagine he'll be any more motivated so may just extend the pain.

It’s a 1 year course for people, who don’t have A levels or don’t have the grades they need for university. I haven’t looked into it loads but I think certain universities expect you to do their access courses or courses, which are recognised by their university. It is a fee paying course but the fees may be written off if the student completes a degree.

I think you may have 3 years in state school. I think he’s still in private so I imagine the school would expect him to actively attend and to complete a second year 13. And what would be the point if he can’t / won’t attend? But if you can get to a cause, perhaps things can change?

I’ve read if you have additional needs, which your ds has with ADHD, you can stay in state education longer btw so there would perhaps be options to go back when he’s a little older.

Would he be better in a different setting or doing a less academic course? Just because he’s capable of A levels, these aren’t necessarily for him.

Have you talked to the SENCO or tried to get any teachers he looks up to involved to help him to attend? This could all be social anxiety and extreme avoidance. My dd has an attendance of just over 70% and that’s with a lot of effort to get her in. She really struggled with studying for her mocks, made herself ill with worry over Christmas rather than revising and frequently said she wanted to leave school. I am getting professional advice for what to say to dd to keep her going in.

Forgot to add that he has an EHCP. He only got it during year 11 though and the LA have been poor in telling us what it gives him.

Oh OP this sounds so hard but your OP about calling social services made me lol because I totally empathise. My two are a year younger but there are similarities - arguing about attending school, going out in middle of the night, money, cooking food at night, waking me up... Your OP made me lol - calling social services and saying please take them lol! Their friends being lovely and always round here, me working my arse off.

It's far from over for us but what has appeared to help a little - even if it's just my sanity:

Setting curfews - they don't always abide, but say 10pm, then they'll come in at 11...

Letting some things slide as long as they are safe - telling them that - I'm glad you're ok

Expecting no thanks for some things, asking for a thank you for lifts, extra money, even if it's grunted at you

Calling their friends to make a nuisance of myself if they don't come in - I did this a bit as someone's on here suggested it - saved this for if they were out in middle of night. When they complain remind them they simply need to let you know where they are

Trying to repair the relationship with the older one, even if it means giving up on expectations. This relates to attendance. Just asking him what's happening. I'm not perfect at this - still get really frustrated when he's being a lazy so and so, but his attendance has improved a bit. He's also got a goal for a very practical sixth form course, not academic at all - he can't bear classroom work even though he's definitely not stupid.

Read Get Out of my life but first take me and Alex into town. I found this super helpful.

Also reverse psychology

Also getting them to work for their money - this is a mixed bag - not always a very good job!

Getting a WiFi controller on the router. This has been mixed. Older one actually took the router and ran away once in protest when it was really bad. But we negotiated red lines as it were - no WiFi at night - and sometimes I have had to give in and just say, well it's your life. Sometimes I turn it off and I hear them move lol - if I want them to clean up - then put it back on

I get head of year (male) to talk to him quite a bit as I acknowledge with school that I'm his mum and he just can't seem to listen to me sometimes.

Planting the seed that once 18 they're either working or in full time education or I'm not paying for their phone!

Far from perfect!!

Super hard. You have my deepest sympathies!

Sorry if It missed it, but where is their mother?

It sounds like he has no interest whatsoever in doing A-levels and has absolutely no chance of passing them tbh OP - I'm not sure why you continue to try to flog that dead horse?

What does he actually want to do? Can he come up with anything? It sounds like he'd be much better off doing a more practical college course, an apprenticeship (although they're often competitive) or getting a job.

You need to stop fighting him to try to make him do what you want him to do and work out with him what he wants to do. Maybe he'd like to become a personal traininer or something like that if the gym is his main interest?

You're way past the point of punishing him into good behaviour IMO, what you need to concentrate on is helping him build a future that will work for him. He can do an access course and go to uni later if he wants to, right now this pathway isn't working for him. When he finds something that does then hopefully his self esteem and behaviour will also really improve.

The issue is that he doesn't want to do anything so I am not sure switching to a less practical course or getting a job is the answer as he can't get up in the morning! Today has been another horrendous day with him and I am honestly about to cry. His first lesson was at 11am yet he still couldn't get himself up and to the lesson on time, nor could he get there for 12 for his next lesson nor 2pm for the final lesson. I've been WFH today so shouting and screaming at him since 10.15 to get up and go. Makes no difference. I've asked him to leave and live with his dad as I cannot bear this level of apathy and not giving a shit about anything. He was up until 4.30am this morning, possibly later, refused to go bed despite me going down multiple times to tell him to be quiet and go to bed. He refuses. I am exhausted and at breaking point.

??? I am their mother, who else? If I wasn't then I certainly wouldn't be in this shit situation.

It sounded to me like they were your ex's children, that's why I asked. No spaces or paragraphs😖

OP this sounds really hard 😭. Can his dad get involved?

Also what is he doing up until 4? You may need to switch off WiFi?

Sorry, have name changed but coming back here for more advice.

So the 15 year is much improved, aced his mocks and I think will be ok.

Eldest DC is worse than ever. Staying up all night drinking energy drinks, making a nose, and then sleeping all day, refusing to get up for sixth form despite me shouting at him. Another massive row this morning as he refused ot get up which ended with me cancelling his phone contract so he will no longer have a mobile after 30 days. His attendance is 38% so I highly doubt he will get anything above an E in his A-levels. I have tried "dropping the rope" but he then does even less (will lie in bed all day every day as opposed to occasionally getting up). He is 18 next month and I have no idea how he plans to support himself or what he intends to do with his life. I have asked him to move in with his dad if he refuses to go to school but he refuses to do that as well.

Just re-read this - really helpful, sound advice, thank you.

I just cancelled his phone contract. I feel terrible doing it but I am so angry at his complete refusal to get out of bed in the mornings. I can't bear it. He is 18 at the end of the month. I have asked to keep the number so he can transfer it to a new provider if he wants to find one and pay for it himself (he won't as he doesn't have any money).

I am also super worried as he gets access to his Child Trust Fund when he turns 18 which has nearly 30k in it and I have no way of stopping this (have checked) other than just refusing to give him the account details which I fully intend to do.

This all sounds a bit drastic. Some of it sounds like typical teenage behaviour. You need to cut all allowances until they start behaving. How are they using your gym membership , does the gym not check that they are the member? How are they getting hold of your debit card - change the account if need be and keep the card away from them. They clearly need very clear boundaries.

I don't think lying in bed all day and refusing to go to school is typical teenage behaviour.

That's why I said some of it !

The rest I can cope with and is, in fact, better than when i first posted.

You haven’t read all the thread!!!!!! This is NOT typical teenage behaviour.

Tell them they have one day to be more polite to you. This won’t work of course they are unlikely to budge, but you have given them fair warning.

Then cancel the debit card, stop the access to your gym membership and cut the funding allowing them to order so much takeaway and go out so much. Minimal pocket money until they wise up, and if they get worse, cut the money completely.

This may be a good thing as it makes it a lot more palatable for you to just kick him out.

He can’t refuse. Once he is 18 if you tell him to leave and he refuses you can call the police to help you evict him. Give him a reasonable amount of time to collect his belongings, say 24 hours, and then change all the locks.

With your other DS doing important exams soon it becomes even more necessary, to protect him from all the disruption to his sleep of having someone up all night making noise.

Given DS1 has £30k, telling him to leave will not leave him destitute or without a place to stay.

You’ve said he needs to stay with his dad, where is his dad in al this? If your son staying with his dad is an option you need his dad to weigh in on supporting to you. If you really mean he needs to stay with dad, pack up his stuff, take it to his dads and direct/take your son there.

Things like lifts, phone contracts, take away food are all contingent on your school aged son actually engaging in life, so attending school or college, keeping his room at least hygienic, not disrupting the whole house at night. If he’s not managing that I’d be stoping access to privileges. At the same time you need to try and speak to him when the pressure is off. What’s made him drop out of life, what does he want for himself in future.