Can't cope with teenagers any more

[Springhare76]

Just that really. I have DS1, 17 and DS2, 15 years (plus DS3 who is 7). I have basically raised DS1 and 2 singlehandedly since my ex had an affair and moved out when they were 1 and 3 years. I've worked full time their entire childhoods to give them the best I can, a lovely house that I own, clothes, 2-3 holidays per year, private school and yet they have turned out to be horrible, uncaring people who seem to hate me. They literally have nothing to say to me, reply with phrases like, "what are you talking about?" if I ask anything about them, imply I am stupid etc. They come and go as they want, order Deliveroo all the time, don't tidy their rooms and hardly clear up after themselves, plus constantly have friends over. They go out and never tell me where they are and never answer their phones so I worry constantly where they are. They use my gym membership and DS2 uses my debit card. I want to take them on holiday this summer but they both refuse as they want to hang out with their friends. DS2 plays a lot of football so I drive him to endless football matches - he never says thank you and tell me I'm embarrassing him if I watch the game. He'll glare at me if I ask him something and refuse to answer. None of the other players are like this and all seem kind to their mums. I also drive him to school every day as his school is far away, it takes me 30 mins then and 50 on the way back. Again, never a please or thank you. The older one has ADHD and we have had the roughest few years with a permanent school exclusion, failed managed move and then having to get tutors in every subject to get him to do any revision as he refused to do any if left to his own devices. I have battled to keep him in education but he has no motivation and his attendance is less than 50%. He now goes out most nights at 11pm to 12pm and comes back around 3am. Apparently he is playing basketball then goes to the gym. I fell asleep at 1am last night then woke up at 3am and realised he was out of the house. He came back at 3.30am then stayed up until 6am so obviously then missed the entire day of sixth room as he's asleep. I couldn't get back to sleep after that so have been awake since 3am. I basically went crazy at him and told him he needs to go and live with his dad as I cannot take this anymore. I have put a bar on his phone as it's the only influence I have , that and money. What did I do wrong in raising them? I am heartbroken that it has come to this. I don't see a way I can have a relationship with either of them again given the amount of unkindness and disrespect.

You’re a wonderful mum. Sounds very familiar this behaviour. They will mature in time and things will improve. Hope you get some time for yourself doing things you want you deserve it

I feel for you. I'm in teen hell with my own who are 18&14yrs although I think you are currently getting the bigger brunt of it. I read it that you have two very entitled teens who have had a lot of privilege and they know it.

Just a few things:

Re the entitled attitude, I would remove your debit card and make them open up bank accounts with there own debit cards and an allowance. I would also factor in to gym memberships and takeaways under siad allowance so they can take some responsibility. This way they would also have to ask you for money if they run out which gives you more power back. This suggestion probably goes against the grain but I feel they are being treated like much younger teens at the moment.

As for a family holiday, I honestly do think these run there course. I would compromise with a long weekend city break (we have just got back from Rome) and make the most of it by really thinking it through. We took my daughters friend as my daughter turned 18 while we were there so I hardly saw her but I did plan activities with my son for example due to the heat I made a lot of changes like taking taxis everywhere because even though everyone tells me you can walk I know he hates walking in the heat. We had a full day on the Saturday which he did really well at, on the Sunday he asked if he could relax in the hotel so I left him to it rather than arguing with him (I came back for lunch and made regilur phone calls and called in to see him a couple of times) and spent the day enjoying the city myself. I personally think it's a total waste spending a day in Rome in your hotel room but its not worth me losing my shit over it.

Finally I would also recommend reading this book : https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1788163826?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title

I totally understand all these points. Teenagers are so complex, I got my son gym membership as I felt he was lounging around the house to much at the weekend which meant he became really awful by sunday night. The gym helps regulate this as exercise makes you feel better and he comes home much nicer, Sunday nights are now much improved.
Removing his phone would be very difficult and would mean I can't contact him and he wouldn't be able to speak to his Dad which could really backfire one me so not worth the risk ie currently his phone is controlled by me on apple family, if he's dad brought him one I may lose all of that control or who knows how much worse things could get.

Thanks all for your comments. Really helps and I am feeling a lot better about it today. They are not bad boys deep down, just difficult to manage at the moment and I probably need to take it all less personally. They do cook for themselves, especially in the holidays, so we use Deliveroo for late nights after sports when everyone is too tired to cook or when I haven't had time to go shopping as they literally clear the cupboards most days. They do have their own bank accounts and debit cards but DS2 has mine for emergencies and is generally good about only using it then or asks beforehand. For me the key issue stressing me out is DS1 missing so much school and the knock on effect on his A-levels as well as going out so late at night then not going to bed at all! Just don't understand it. As a single parent to them, I feel bad that we don't have much/any semblance of a family life or doing stuff together as neither have any inclination.

If it makes you feel any better : my boss mentioned his friend/neighbour who sits in his back garden drinking cans, to cope wuth his teenagers who have turned into nocturnal mammels roaming around the house. 😅

I think actually apart from the late night gym sessions that this is pretty normal. I am also missing the small stuff although I managed to drag the 14yr old to the cinema the weekend before last. My 18yr olds works at least one weekend day a week to which she comes home late, she only wants to speak to her friends on the phone by then and dinner is now something chucked in the slow cooker to accommodate everyone needing food at different times. I don't think sitting down to a sunday roast is going to work for the foreseeable which is sad.

OP,
Is he finding his A levels hard?
Could he be avoiding it as he has missed so much
This happened with my DD. She had mental health issues and stopped going in and then missed so much she couldn't see the point of going in even on the days she was fine.
A levels is full on from day 1 and missing days could mean they are quite behind.
Speak to the school to see if they can help. Ask him if he is avoiding school for a reason.

OP, looks like you have money to throw at the problem, so I would:
Start therapy for myself. Why do you allow yourself to be treated with no respect? You allowed it to happen. Not your fault, but you have to fix that. I would investigate core beliefs, behaviour patterns and try to deconstruct them.
Get help. Maybe go for family therapy with them so you get help to make them see your point of view (and hopefully you will see theirs). You three probably can't do it without an external person. Think how you can force them to go and do it (no monthly allowance if they don't attend).
Look for situations where they are respectful and kind and try to find the common factor among them.
I have one difficult teenager as well. He's always trying to be disrespectful and I'm always having to assert by boundaries. Exhausting

Op sympathies I have two slighty younger kids but I actually really resonate reading this. I have a very very angry and disrespectful teen and you get to a point you just don't know what to do or what consequences are realistic to enforce without driving them further away.

I think unless people have lived a sitution like this - where teens are just fairly feral and disrespectful - it's hard to offer advice so I often wonder why people come on and say things like 'turn the wifi off/ or 'tell them to show you respect'

I mean in a situation like this - the reality is you are parenting ALONE young humans who are too old now to be controlled a lot of the time.

I would see if you can let some things slide hard as it is.

I was pretty feral at 16 - used to go out alll night etc with all sorts of bad characters. I'm now a very boring 47 year old mum

Could you afford any counselling for yourself to be a space to talk in?

It's such a huge thing doing this alone. I salute you op!

This is fantastic.

This is also brilliant. You and @crackofdoom are my heroes! (As a mother of a challenging DS15).

Cut off the WiFi. Change your debit card and don’t give them the new one, say no to lifts - and that is just starters . There are things you can do and yet you say “they do as they like”
they are not holding you at gun point for a lift to football, so start saying no until you get some respect. Basically get firm and stand up.

Tell them to make their own dinner or get something from M&S. they don’t need your card for uber you can have your card on the account or put money in their account for an uber on a use by use basis

Being a single parent to teenagers is hard work - I used to say I went to work for a rest! A lot of what they’re doing is normal teenage behaviour - self centred and pushing every boundary in sight. I think you need to pick your battles. If they are misusing the Deliveroo account, your debit card or the gym membership I would suggest removing access - you can always reverse this if behaviour improves.

I’m also a lone parent to teens and have really strict boundaries. The kids call it my constitution but they accept it. Consistency is key. They get an allowance and that’s it. If they want anything I say “have you got the money?” And if not they don’t get. The exception to this is UBER which has a card on my account and they have to ask first or I reduce their allowance by the corresponding amount

they have no access to my cards and no idea of my card details. They can only have Deliveroo if they pay and it’s not an alternative to home dinner. When I’m working there’s pasta, pizza, beige stuff or left overs for them to eat. Sometimes I’ll get something M&S meals.

life 360 is non negotiable and I don’t respond to rudeness and make them repeat and repeat until it’s polite. Any detention or misbehaviour at school I hear about is £10 off their allowance. If they get to the point they have no money they can’t go out. Not my problem. You HAVE to be the boss. You’re the mother, end of

@Springhare76

I didn’t see the new comment that someone has posted as it was deleted but I assume it was something dickish.

But it did bring your post to the top of my ‘threads I’m on’ page. It Just made me wonder if things are any better for you now? A lot of what you said resonated with me and I really felt for you.

I hope things have improved for you.

VirginiaGirl has it spot on. A lot of this is normal teenage behaviour but the missing school and going out late at night is concerning. You need help from other adults in their lives to manage this. I would proactively contact the sixth form tutors to work on managing his attendance together. I would also ask for help from the football coaches - he can't be playing his best football game if he's up and out till 3am and they might make their opinions known.

Do you know who he's playing basketball with? Is he genuinely out playing and not up to no good? If it's really basketball can you facilitate it to happen in a less risky way?

Ignore all the pearl clutching about Deliveroo and Uber.

You need to adopt some Russian parenting. Dds friend is Russian her mum is hardcore. She has been known to turn up at parties screech her dds name and march her out. The other teens are actually quite impressed. She’s great fun too and her Dd is the politest loveliest girl. As were all the other Russian teen girls I used to host so whatever they do over there works.

My adhd dd struggled with attendance in 6th form and eventually refused to go at all. It took us a long time to get her back on track.

SEND us the biggest cause of school refusal. Could he do online school? Or online access course. Unfortunately being nocturnal is also a huge part of being adhd

OP you need to stop telling yourself that 'you've given them everything'.

Did you give them firm boundaries and discipline?

Did you teach them respect and gratitude?

Have they learnt that consequences come from their actions?

Why do we need to know that hubby cheated on you decades ago.

You are playing the victim.

These kids are not going to give a shiny shite that OP is menopausal! And the last thing she should be doing is to show that kind of weakness.

OP, just a thought - could they move to the closer school? If that’s the one they want to go to it might help with attendance and take the pressure off with lifts?

Yes odd naive response pretty unlikely that teenagers behaving like this are suddenly going to turn into davina McCall on hearing op is going through the menopause!

I won’t give any advice because lots of lovely people have beaten me to it. I just want to reassure you that it’s a horrible phase that unfortunately a lot of teen boys go through. I couldn’t bear the sight of my DS for a few years, he was insufferable. By 18 or 19 he came out the other side (when he got his first serious girlfriend) and we’re best mates now. He’s amazing. It does get better! x