Can't cope with teenagers any more

[Springhare76]

Just that really. I have DS1, 17 and DS2, 15 years (plus DS3 who is 7). I have basically raised DS1 and 2 singlehandedly since my ex had an affair and moved out when they were 1 and 3 years. I've worked full time their entire childhoods to give them the best I can, a lovely house that I own, clothes, 2-3 holidays per year, private school and yet they have turned out to be horrible, uncaring people who seem to hate me. They literally have nothing to say to me, reply with phrases like, "what are you talking about?" if I ask anything about them, imply I am stupid etc. They come and go as they want, order Deliveroo all the time, don't tidy their rooms and hardly clear up after themselves, plus constantly have friends over. They go out and never tell me where they are and never answer their phones so I worry constantly where they are. They use my gym membership and DS2 uses my debit card. I want to take them on holiday this summer but they both refuse as they want to hang out with their friends. DS2 plays a lot of football so I drive him to endless football matches - he never says thank you and tell me I'm embarrassing him if I watch the game. He'll glare at me if I ask him something and refuse to answer. None of the other players are like this and all seem kind to their mums. I also drive him to school every day as his school is far away, it takes me 30 mins then and 50 on the way back. Again, never a please or thank you. The older one has ADHD and we have had the roughest few years with a permanent school exclusion, failed managed move and then having to get tutors in every subject to get him to do any revision as he refused to do any if left to his own devices. I have battled to keep him in education but he has no motivation and his attendance is less than 50%. He now goes out most nights at 11pm to 12pm and comes back around 3am. Apparently he is playing basketball then goes to the gym. I fell asleep at 1am last night then woke up at 3am and realised he was out of the house. He came back at 3.30am then stayed up until 6am so obviously then missed the entire day of sixth room as he's asleep. I couldn't get back to sleep after that so have been awake since 3am. I basically went crazy at him and told him he needs to go and live with his dad as I cannot take this anymore. I have put a bar on his phone as it's the only influence I have , that and money. What did I do wrong in raising them? I am heartbroken that it has come to this. I don't see a way I can have a relationship with either of them again given the amount of unkindness and disrespect.

They sound fucking awful. You poor thing.
Older one can move out and fund his own life instead of sponging off you constantly.
Put yourself first, OP. Prioritise making your own life better, it sounds horrendous.

OP teenagers are hard work and think they know it all!!! It’s hard!

my practical suggestions:
-get a slow cooker, chuck everything in there and dinner will be available in the evening, there is really NO need for any deliveroos EVER

-no pocket money (I never give mine any, don’t know why it’s suddenly become a compulsory thing!). If DS is going out, he asks for money, you give him £20. If he needs a lift and you can’t collect him because you’re looking after DS3, you transfer to his account only the uber fee , etc! You are in charge of money. It doesn’t grow on trees. They need to learn the value of it

-he only gets the above if he attends school, that’s his job!

they all have one chore a day at home (can be small but something)

rxplsin to them that it’s okay to be angry, annoyed,etc but respectful behaviour is non negotiable. No phone for a week and stick to it!

if you don’t want them to grow into absolute losers then time for tough love!

This.

Cut them off financially and find a way to stop them using your gym membership, even if that means ending your own membership. Buy food, keep a roof over their heads.

Who pays for their phones and plan? You can put a stop to that too.

Stop the lifts to school. Stop the lifts to matches. They are old enough to arrange their own transport, figure out busses, get themselves up in time.

Do not do any laundry for them.

In general, be less available.

Agree.

Just coming back for more advice.

Situation with DS2 is better and he's doing what he needs to do and is more respectful.

DS1 is driving me to the edge. He's stays up all night cooking, making a mess, and then sleeps all day, misses sixth form. He just got UUU in his A-level mocks. His attendance is 55% - he barely attends lessons and does no work outside of lessons. I don't think I can put up with his behaviour any longer. I am screaming at him every morning to go to school and he just lies in bed. Can I force him to move out and live with his dad? He is 18 in March.

If he is not going to study he needs to get a job and move out.

is there anything else going on with him?

I think this is excellent advice - it’s going to be hard, can you get any support x

can he/they go to local state ?

You dont need to rely on Deliveroo if they won’t cook get them m&s pasta meals

do you really think he is going to the gym at that time? If they aren’t home by curfew switch off the internet

I think that you’re going to have to let DS1 face the consequences of his choices, because it sounds like he’s going to fail his A-levels.

I’d speak to him about what he’s planning to do in six months after his exams, because lying in bed all day living off you isn’t going to be an option.

I’d try and stop yourself shouting at him to go to school ( although I’d want to do the same) and speak seriously to him about his plans. Presumably many of his friends will be going to university and work next year, what’s he planning to do?

coming in a 2am. the doors locked go sleep somewhere else end of
sorry heres the bus timetable for school
sorry heres the bus timetable for your footy match. bye
DO NOT TALK TO ME IN THAT TONE

rinse and repeat

who is going to sort DS1
you need an intervention UUU on his A levels maybe a scare like if youre sleeping all day you MUST be on drugs no one is this lazy…... oh what a shame ive cut off your ps5 gaming lead ooops

Thank you all. Coming back for more advice. DS2 is good, did really well in his mocks. vaguely respectful. DS1, 17, is getting worse and worse. Refusing to get up most mornings, attendance at sixth form is around 35% this term, barely engaging with tutors, refused to go to a CAMHS appointment today, has stopped speaking to me. Basically does whatever he wants. He has having around 3-4 hours of tutors per week but I can't see how he is going to pass his A-levels as he does no work by himself and has missed at least 50% of the course due to non-attendance. He doesn't seem to socialise at all any more, only sees his best friend maybe once a week, and does not seem interested in making friends, going to parties etc. A teacher at school says he thinks he may have have autism or PDA as DS1 seems to want to avoid a lot of contact with people and is more comfortable alone. I've been having daily screaming matches with him every morning when he refuses to go to school but from today have stopped as makes no difference anyway. If I come into a room now he will leave. I have put my life into raising him but we have no relationship and I am devastated to say it's time to give up and walk away. He needs an intervention but I have no power to change or influence anything. I can't even force him to move out as he refuses to go. Any suggestions very welcome.

I remember when you started this thread.

I really feel for you. It’s a huge burden on one person and you’ve done your best.

You need support personally. I don’t know what that might look like.

I am struck by (amongst other things) the holiday refusal. Do you ever get a holiday?

Do you pay for their phones? Stop paying.

Sounds like DS1 is in ND burnout. It takes time ( mine is in her 6th year) to recover.

Reducing demand on him is the only way out.

@Springhare76 I’m glad that you’ve stopped having screaming matches with him about going to school as he’s on course to fail his exams anyway.

What I’d do is stop funding as much as you can (don’t organize any holidays or treats, can you take his phone off your plan?) and just provide the basics. Once the summer comes, he’ll be 18 and if he’s not planning to continue in education, he can start looking for work and contributing to the household.

Sitting at home doing nothing isn’t an option for you so it can’t be for him either. Perhaps A-levels aren’t the right fit for him, but he needs to do something- who does he think is going to provide for him as an adult?

I’ve read through this again.

He sounds a very unhappy young adult. This is not normal behaviour. His teachers have suggested ND.

I think ( having lived through ND issues with a teen) back off and leave him alone. Don’t kick him out/make him get a job etc etc. You need to bring the temperature down in the house. Don’t argue with him, just reduce your expectations and demands.

As l said earlier he sounds unwell with ND burnout. The best thing is to reduce demand. I’m not sure he’s choosing to behave like this, he’s just unwell and probably disabled. When he feels better l suspect his behaviour will improve.

Leave his A levels, he can always do an Access course. I remember the stress and household misery when mine refused to go to A levels. She got better, did an Access and is now at a redbrick.

Keep up the gym membership, it’s helpful. You need an assessment to be able to claim benefits. I suspect anxiety is the root of everything for him.

Kid don’t usually refuse school without a reason. It’s not just ‘laziness’

There's one piece of parenting advice that I read somewhere (or listened to) and that was. Don't take it personally. Some of the rudeness, the lack of engagement, the taking you for granted, that is unfortuantly a phase that all teens go through. So try and remove yourself from the end of their hormones - a two step removal can be really healthy for the adults in their lives. But also - take the money, take access to your cash away, that is your power. Start small, be consistent. Tell them you've had enough and there will be changes, no arguing. I'm sorry you've reached the point that you have. Good luck - make some changes, take action. You'll feel better for it xx

Regarding your son … you need to stop trying with him. Make it clear you love him, it’s his life he’s ruining but you’ll still be there for him.

he can leave. He can be an emancipated minor or you can pay for him to go into a house share. I disagree with th the people who stay stop giving him money, give him an appropriate amount but not free rein of yours.

and no favours or lifts.

Sounds like Alevels are not for him and time for a reset. My friend has similar and at end of year 1 stopped Alevels and enrolled on a BTEC in a subject she had never in million years thought he would do. However he also has a P/t job cleaning as he wanted money to fund alcohol & vaping. They only fund essentials the motivation to work for other things and the change in course lot less pressure and he is happier he also has unmanaged adhd. If yourDS is involved in sport definitely continue to support that, are there any coaching opportunities? Drop the Alevels it’s just not working. At the moment priorities must be mental and physical health, and some form of work or education to tick over. Education can only happen if he wants to engage you can’t make it happen. I’m speaking as a parent of a ASD and adhd teen who completely burnt out from school but is now teaching themselves loads and doing exams because they are self motivated too but it’s taken a few rough years for get here.

There comes a stage where you have to back off trying to get them to school/college. You can’t make them and they are not listening to you anyway so you are wasting your energy. I have been through this with my teen. I walk away from a lot of things. Two years on they are slightly calmer and they attend college now because they actually want to.

My dc does have a diagnosed condition and they have a PDA profile as mentioned earlier. They resist everything they are asked to do. Many of the behaviours you describe are the same as my dc eg cooking and leaving a huge mess, ordering deliveries (not my money but I still don’t approve,) rude manner. My dc can be very aggressive too which is the worst. We have been through hell for nearly ten years so I am not an expert but I would say back off to make your own life easier. Hopefully he will get slightly easier as he gets older. Age 16 we couldn’t cope but now at 19, things are slightly better.

@Newbieyear That sounds so difficult, I’m glad that life is slightly easier now.

I’m sure that you’ve felt close to breaking point at times and I’m also concerned for @Springhare76’s well-being. It sounds as if she’s viewed as the family workhorse by both her ex and her children, expected to keep going and providing while they behave as they wish. It’s concerning and I hope she doesn’t get burnt out/have a breakdown.

The advice is to drop the rope. The more you ask of your ds, the more he will avoid. My dd isn’t diagnosed but likely has a PDA profile. The idea is to use reverse psychology. Saying to him if he wants to tank his A levels that’s up to him. He is in charge of his life and what he does. However, that doesn’t mean things can continue as they are. Tell him that you think staying at home like this isn’t good for his mental health so you’d like to consider alternative options with him because you recognise he’s not happy. Being gentle helps.

If he still refuses, let him know that he’s going to be 18 soon and with that comes responsibility. He’s going to have to do something with his life because you’re not going to keep funding it if he isn’t in some form of education or work. And if he likes having his gym membership and access to your card, what you’re looking to discuss with him isn’t optional. He’s going to kick off. Let him go out or whatever as long as he isn’t violent. If he’s violent, suspend access to your card until he can behave and just let him know. Text him if he has a phone. Just keep drip feeding the message to him when you can. But make sure it’s said in a loving, calm way. And get some therapy for you. That’s important.

Texting is a great way to communicate with someone with a PDA profile btw as it’s a lot less confrontational and you can be more measured in your words, taking a few minutes to compose yourself etc.

What is an access course?