Can't cope with teenagers any more

[Springhare76]

Just that really. I have DS1, 17 and DS2, 15 years (plus DS3 who is 7). I have basically raised DS1 and 2 singlehandedly since my ex had an affair and moved out when they were 1 and 3 years. I've worked full time their entire childhoods to give them the best I can, a lovely house that I own, clothes, 2-3 holidays per year, private school and yet they have turned out to be horrible, uncaring people who seem to hate me. They literally have nothing to say to me, reply with phrases like, "what are you talking about?" if I ask anything about them, imply I am stupid etc. They come and go as they want, order Deliveroo all the time, don't tidy their rooms and hardly clear up after themselves, plus constantly have friends over. They go out and never tell me where they are and never answer their phones so I worry constantly where they are. They use my gym membership and DS2 uses my debit card. I want to take them on holiday this summer but they both refuse as they want to hang out with their friends. DS2 plays a lot of football so I drive him to endless football matches - he never says thank you and tell me I'm embarrassing him if I watch the game. He'll glare at me if I ask him something and refuse to answer. None of the other players are like this and all seem kind to their mums. I also drive him to school every day as his school is far away, it takes me 30 mins then and 50 on the way back. Again, never a please or thank you. The older one has ADHD and we have had the roughest few years with a permanent school exclusion, failed managed move and then having to get tutors in every subject to get him to do any revision as he refused to do any if left to his own devices. I have battled to keep him in education but he has no motivation and his attendance is less than 50%. He now goes out most nights at 11pm to 12pm and comes back around 3am. Apparently he is playing basketball then goes to the gym. I fell asleep at 1am last night then woke up at 3am and realised he was out of the house. He came back at 3.30am then stayed up until 6am so obviously then missed the entire day of sixth room as he's asleep. I couldn't get back to sleep after that so have been awake since 3am. I basically went crazy at him and told him he needs to go and live with his dad as I cannot take this anymore. I have put a bar on his phone as it's the only influence I have , that and money. What did I do wrong in raising them? I am heartbroken that it has come to this. I don't see a way I can have a relationship with either of them again given the amount of unkindness and disrespect.

Why are you giving eldest money when old enough to work.
don’t give anything until behaviour improves. You are not doing any favours letting them walk all over you. Firm up a good bit.

Do the minimum. And keep it basic: manners and niceness lead to upy paying for a mobile phone. Think of it like a job (seeing as they are so transactional), they do x to earn y.
I wouldn't bother with long conversations, they don't appear to be mature enough for it nor do they appear to care. And stick to it.
It's like you have tried to give them the perfect life with all the material things, and because of that, they don't care about anything but themselves. I'm sure any nice things they do do is for a selfish reason. And no not all teenagers are like this.

And enjoy the extra money you will now have in your pocket as a result of taking control of your finances.

Re. Money. The teenagers need their own bank accounts with their own debit cards. Whatever they get for an allowance/presents/ they earn can go into those accounts and they can manage their money.

Order a new debit card for yourself and don’t share the info. with them.

If my two buy something for themselves that I’ve agreed to, for example, DS (16) needed some new summer clothes and went shopping with friends over the weekend, I transfer some money.

I’m glad it helped, OP. You sound like a fabulous mum. Have faith that one day, they’ll see it.

Presumably you are funding most of this eg phones, gym, deliveries, etc. Just stop. Cancel the phone contracts (if possible), cancel gym memberships, get a new bank card. If they want things then they can get a part time job. If they don’t want to go on holiday don’t take them, use the money for you. No friends over until they show you and your home some respect. No lifts for people who don’t appreciate them.

People will generally treat you how you let them. Stop letting them.

Yes, I will do but difficult to cut it all out. For example, I rely on Deliveroo twice week when I work late to give them dinner and I have to let DS2 get an Uber if he needs a lift as he's somewhere with bad public transport and I can't pick him up. I basically have no time so have to rely on some of these things. The gym is a tough one as it's DS1's main passtime and I want to encourage him being fit but I do need to stop him going at 2am. Likewise, I have cut his phone off but that now means I can't contact him which creates difficulty as well. The whole situation just makes me feel so bad. just want to go on a long holiday from everything.

But why do they have access to your Deliveroo and Uber accounts?

Tell them to cook their own meals when you’re out.

My ds was very like this, he was later diagnosed with adhd. I would strongly recommend medication it has helped our relationship enormously.
I would also ask they allow to have their location of your phone.
Cut way back on their luxuries until things improve, good luck.

Are you paying for their social lives!? Stop doing that immediately! You are literally acting as if the way they are behaving is fine. What sanctions have you imposed?

Yes it would be difficult, that's parenting.

My DD is the same age as your youngest. If I wasn’t home there is no way on earth she’d be ordering takeaway to feed herself.
She’d cook some pasta or make a salad or have soup and toasties.
Buy some ready meals, it’ll cost you less and probably be better for them.
They don’t NEED deliveroo. There is so many other options to feed them.
And where is he going?? Is it out to a hobby like football or something because unless it is he can just stay home! Again, he doesn’t HAVE to go anywhere. He’d just like to.
You have to wrestle back some control. You’re being so passive.

I'm sorry you're so burnt out.

But, you must must must see that you have an active role in changing this. There is "a stick to beat them with" - they are completely reliant on you for everything at the moment so you have a lot of power. You don't need to install Life 360 to use Family Link for the 15 yr old for example, You can put whatever limits you like on the router. You can demand their phones back or no phones!

You absolutely do not have to give them your log in to Deliveroo because you're not home! That is madness!!

You ensure there are simple ingredients like eggs, bread, fresh veg, pasta etc and leave them to make their own meals. My DC are nearly 16 and nearly 14 and regularly feed themselves and their younger siblings in this way.

If they need lifts to activities you can sort a lift share rota or they can cycle or walk or get public transport.

It is not remotely helpful for young adults to have such a degree of freedom, disposable income and lack of responsibility. They can't possibly hope to walk out into the world and earn enough to finance the lifestyle they're currently leading . They need to be given a budget and a debit card and told to stick to it.

Believing that you can't do anything to change this behaviour and your reaction and response to it is going to be the most destructive thing about the whole situation.

I'm going through a "having a massive go at mum for her perceived shortcomings" phase, and cannot tell you how much I would prefer monosyllabic grunting!

My 15 year old's latest rant was about how I do nothing for him, nothing at all. So I gathered every item of clothing that I have bought him and locked it in the car, only to have to hump it all back inside later on when he came and apologised 😆

Oh my god! Deliveroo to give them dinner cos your home late?? No, you put food in the fridge and tell them to cook it. Preferably with a share for you too.

My mum was a single parent who sometimes worked late. I cooked for us both on those nights from my early teens. You can stop this if you want to, it’s not normal.

Does/ did your DS tend to be incredibly argumentative and oppositional, talk over you and take offence at the slightest criticism?

Asking for afriend relative 🙄

(We are a ND family, but he's supposed to be the neurotypical one. However, I have some suspicions...)

They don’t need access to your deliveroo account.

if they really cannot cook anything at all teach them how to make beans on toast or egg on toast. I can guarantee if they are hungry and there is food in the house they’ll eat it.

uber Is a different story.

re ds1 - I have a child with adhd. She has massive problems sleeping and is often awake most of the night, it’s a known feature of adhd. You may find medication (either adhd meds or melatonin) helps.

i wouldn’t cut off the gym for someone with adhd it is likely helping them significantly.

Op I do feel for you. I have 2 teens 18 and 15 (lone parent working full time) and some of what you say really resonated with me.

as someone else said - it’s very difficult to play all of the roles. The provider, the disciplinarian, the nurturer. I have had them on my own for 15 years (v similar sounding ex and his main communication with me is to have a go at me about my parenting when he does next to nothing).
As you say - at this age there is a limit to what you can do physically re school etc. You can’t pick them up can you! And I have had many sleepless nights too over school absence (both are neurodivergent).

Out of the things that you say - if I would be changing anything it would be stopping the access to my card and stopping the Deliveroos. They can sort themselves out assuming there is pasta and other basics in the house.
I also agree with an allowance.

i got them both cheap membership at the local gym. It doesn’t get used enough and I have told them I will stop it if they aren’t going at least once a week.

I get mainly grunts at home unless there is something that DS is really interested in and I really have to make the effort. We have engaged recently in a clothing brand he’s really into and a particular band he likes. But that’s about it. How are yours with other parents? It’s often commented on how lovely / polite and helpful mine are outside of the house - I work on the basis that that’s good they are at least doing that outside of the house and do have good manners.

i don’t know what I would do about the trips out in the night tbh. My DD missed a lot of school but this was due to anxiety and depression so she was mainly in bed 24/7.

I do feel for you though and I completely empathise with having to do it all on your own and how draining and isolating it is.

No they don't need deliveroo, why can't they make a basic meal? Oven Pizza, microwave etc if they really don't want to cook.

They are spoiled rotten.

It's extremely strange how teenagers of fifteen and seventeen can operate very complicated technology and use.Social media and the like and video games.

They are capable of doing all those things.

However, ask them to turn on an oven. Put a pizza in it and take it out after ten or fifteen minutes is just too much to ask

Ask them to turn on a washing machine and put some detergent in it.And hang the clothes up afterwards, it's too much to ask

It's ludicrous. No teenager of those ages without any special educational needs are incapable of cooking a pizza in an oven. It's just pure laziness

I remember my 15 /16 year old being out in the town centre one evening,he was supposed to be staying at his friend's house .the friends mum called me to say they hadn't turned up .
So I jumped in the car ,no bra ,in my nightie, looking a state.
The friends mum in the car behind,we went looking for them.
Center of town , everything shut a group of them hanging out .
I pull up ,he clocks me I get out of the car ,ready to walk over ,he sees I'm in my nightie and I've never seen him move so fast .
Then he's in the car and the friend comes over to ask me to let him stay out a bit longer ,just has his mum pulls up in the car behind.
Both home and in bed by 12.
He never did it again,always made sure he was in on time after that .
I would of happily walked over to his friends in my nightie and he knew that .
I won't be disrespected,or messed around .
Op you have to mean business or they run you ragged

I have challenging teens (young adults now) and been through an awful time including several permanent exclusions.

How will they take it if you withdraw some of the privileges or take the phones or restrict the internet or stop the lifts? I couldn’t enforce some rules eg the phones as I would be in physical danger and the house would be trashed and the police would be here. The best I could do was withdraw myself but mainly for safety reasons eg I couldn’t drive them places especially school. I had a lot of agencies involved with my dc as things did fall apart.

One thing I wouldn’t allow is the money/deliveries/debit card.

It’s really hard to impose rules at their stage of life. I’m not saying don’t try but I would concentrate on keeping yourself sane and safe. One day they will become adults and move on believe it or not so hang on in there. Do your best, that’s all you can do.

Stop cooking for them.
Tell them to get jobs.
Reassess their role models.

I have a 16 and 17 year old son(s), this might not be helpful, but they are mostly a breeze. Maybe I m just lucky. I m also a separated mum. I love bomb mine. I don't know where we went right, but I guess we talk alot. I get them everything (healthy) that they ask for. They know they are the centre of my universe (corney), I tell them how proud I am of them and I tell tell them when I have made a sacrifice for them.

They are not perfect: my eldest failed an exam this summer, and they are both sleeping in a lot. They will need jobs soon, for discipline.

My eldest is looking into the driver theory test, we are walking a tightrope of supporting them to launch responsibly whilst keeping a respectful relationship.

I think if mine really misbehaved, I ld be searching for jobs with accommodation, just to cop them on a bit. Your eldest needs a reality check. I m sorry you are feeling so drained. Tell them, they are draining you, and you need support. I tell mine, I need kindness and care, I m going through the menopause and I need understanding. Your boys need more positive male role models, gentlemen who work hard and behave well. They need jobs. Maybe in an exclusive hotel, where they need to watch their manners.

By the way, if you are menopausal, you need to spell that out to them. It's a fucker, that they are going through puberty while you are going through reverse puberty, but you didn't design human biology, that's just how it works.

They need to understand menopause causes anxiety, fatigue, poor sleep. They need to support YOU just as much as you support them. Their dad needs to step up as well. He needs to do some driving and really help. No more lipservice. (if at all possible).