DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

As PP said I’d take a huge step back.

She needs to be so busy looking after HER son and studying? Working? That she doesn’t have time to have unprotected sex and conceive more children with her waste of space boyfriend. She needs a reality check on how hard being a (single) parent is.

I know that’ll be really hard because you love her and your grandson but I assume you were watching him while they were having sex, likely in your house?

I’m not saying she should be a celibate wee church mouse until her son is 18 but things shouldn’t be quite so easy for her.

Kindly, she doesn’t get to dictate the terms and conditions of your support… she doesn’t get to decide she’s not going to get a job because she’d never spend time with the baby- welcome to adult life sunshine! I imagine most of us would choose that option if we could, but sadly it’s not how real life works. She needs to begin supporting herself and all the current and future children she produces. I think the best case scenario here is that the boyfriend agrees a termination is the best option and she goes with that. From what you’ve said of him I can’t imagine he’ll be thrilled with another baby? Once she’s dealt with this pregnancy get her some form of long term contraception as she is obviously struggling to grasp the basics of birth control.

The OP said she helps out financially when she can. She didn’t say she pays for everything. Also yes when the BF is there I’m sure the house is warm, and let’s assume he does get fed, but he is not living there.

Gosh op this is so hard. I would encourage her towards a termination and I’d try and continue to be her rock. It’s very unlikely he is going to hang around forever isn’t it? I expect one day he’ll piss off for good or even go into prison perhaps so when that happens she will be rid of him hopefully. I’d also be explaining to her what sort of example this is setting for her child- to have this man as a role model? I wondered if her own dad was around. How would she feel if her own dad behaved as this boy is? Because that’s what her son is in for. There’s no good to be found there is there and it will lead to a repetitive toxic behavior pattern for her kids.

wishing you lots of luck xxxxx

ButteredRadish Today 17:53

You have absolutely no place to police what other posters can & can’t post.
None!

Oh bore off

I was posting an opinion , same as you.
Anyway, what suggestions have you come up with to help op instead of coming up with useless opinions that aren't helpful to anyone.

So your daughter doesn't want to work because she knows she's living with you rent free and you are paying for everything. Sorry OP, she really needs a wake up call. If she didn't have you, there is no way she would be having babies at 16/17 years old. She just wouldn't be able to afford it.

I think celibacy for teens is very underrated. Most teens are too stupid to make good decisions.

So how are the finances working. Do you get benefits for your child and her child or is she claiming Universal credit and child benefit herself. Make sure you see a good chunk of that for housekeeping. She wants to have children she needs to understand the costs of them.

Great she in college though. What is the longer term housing plan.

Did you try to post the most wrong answer ever? Is this a competition you're trying to win?

Of course it's social services who aim to keep children safe by making sure if parents are unsafe, they are supervised when seeing their children.
For separated parents sometimes it's court ordered.
But (for very good reasons) it's not up to the mum.

The PP who said keeping her older child is at risk is correct - but not because she's having another baby with this man, rather because she's still seeing him. He's not safe with the existing baby and she's not split up with him.

If she carries on not keeping her baby safe she might well lose him.
Best thing would be to continue to help her but make sure she understands the outcome of still seeing him - which could be losing her existing baby.

The grandson.

Ah, this is really tricky. You sound like a great mum and grandma. I have to say, I feel sorry for your daughter's boyfriend. He's a child himself, and yes, he's making terrible decisions, but he doesn't have the support of parents like you. I'm sure his foster parents do their very best, but he needs the bonded love of a parent and that ship has sailed for whatever reason. When your daughter says he's trying his best, perhaps he is. His best isn't nearly good enough right now, but neither was his start in life. Who modelled to him what 'best' looks like?

My instinct would be to support their relationship, for the sake of your daughter and particularly your grandson. The boyfriend is 15. He can turn his life around still, his path and choices aren't fixed. Zero tolerance to drugs around the baby, help him find work. I don't see good things happening from making an enemy of him - as you observe, it will drive your daughter away. If he was 25 and making these decisions, I'd have less time for him - but he's a child. He can make different choices still.

Discuss with her a termination. Recommend one strongly. Speak to her about your need to protect yourself from being a heavily involved in the care for two baby grandchildren. Encourage her to think about the risk of social services intervention and possible outcomes if you are not involved with baby 2

She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to be pushed into anything and I’ve told her I’ll support her whatever she chooses even if I don’t agree with it

I agree that nobody should be pushed - presumably about a termination in this case - but would worry that in saying you'll support her with "whatever she chooses" you've just guaranteed several more children born into the same awful circumstances

The BF sounds hopeless, but TBH your DD is behaving just as irresponsibly and it's not something I'd want to actively encourage

DD says she doesn’t want to get a job yet because she’d never get to spend time with the baby

Edited to add I missed this bit, so my earlier view applies 100 fold
Countless women have to spend less time than they'd like with their babies because they need to be provided for, and I'd quickly disabuse DD of the idea it'll all come from you

Kill your baby or I'll abandon you? Nice.😱

The Roman Catholic Church also (still) officially prohibits artificial contraception but I'm sure you know that.

OP, really difficult but I would be making my thoughts about the father and his reliabilty so far very clear and also how difficult this is likely to be for her and you. Ultimately it has to be her decision of course but she needs to understand the whole picture unsugarcoated.

It's not a baby. it's a collection of cells at this point. Not even a foetus.

All very well saying you'll support her whatever she decides, but you need to be clear about what this means. Firm boundaries and expectations otherwise she'll never learn and you'll likely be here again in a couple of years.

Agree.

OP, why does your daughter think what shes feeling is love and what he's giving her is also love, when actually what is happening is he is jeopardising her future?

Why is she taking such enormous risks with her own life and the life and safety of her baby for this troubled teenage boy?

Try to get her into therapy.

Collage summer holidays are coming up, I think this would be the perfect time to step back. As others have said knowing all her options.

The boyfriend been in the care system, he may surprise you. He's probably not used to being shouted at or having any responsibility. I hope he learns and steps up at this time. They need to be using all the help they can get from social services, they have a duty of care, they are there to support and educate too.
Wishing you ALL the very best! X

I agree with this. Really sorry OP because it sounds like you’re trying your best for your daughter and grandson but your latest update does make it sound like you’re actually facilitating this poor decision making. I think I would be making it very clear that there is not space/money/time for you to support more children of hers and if she wants to go ahead with this she’ll have to get a flat and a job. She probably wouldn’t even know where to start with any of that? They are both still children so it’s up to you to be the parent and lay some ground rules.

What does supporting her mean here? Because supporting her decision is one thing, being her co-parent is another.

I am assuming you support her financially, help parent your grandchild. When is she having sex with this boy? When you are looking after the baby?

Sorry but she is immature and showing her child-like understanding by getting pregnant again so quickly.

I’m afraid that whilst I would never throw my child out, I absolutely would not be parenting the baby and definitely not a second one. I’d provide shelter, food, but not childcare.

I’d also be telling social services very clearly the true situation and that you aren’t providing parenting support anymore.

@blueshedhermit

exactly. And literally everyone in this scenario including Op comes before the cluster of cells.

He’s a troubled child attempting to raise a child. There’s a lot of talk about him, but your DD is just as much to blame for this mess. She clearly hasn’t learnt anything from before.

Agree. It’s a total mess.

Eek. I would be hoping the lad will say he really doesn't want another child, but what if he doesn't or is vague and then she persists with this romantic but totally irrational idea of them being 'a family'? I think you have to draw the line now that she'll have to move into her own place if she has the second baby.