DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

Chelsea was supported by her wealthy father though and then after a few seasons had the £££,s rolling in from MTV ( teen mom is my guilty pleasure 🤣)

What happens when she has this baby and falls with baby no3? This could go on and on.

Exactly! He clearly doesn’t give a sh*t about anything - or anyone. He can’t be arsed with anything. Now whether that’s a consequence of his background or a choice, I don’t know, but it’s irrelevant because OP’s priority is her DD and grandchild.

You said your DD has said this ‘father’ will be annoyed that she’s pregnant again. Good! Hopefully he’ll go away for good and leave her alone. I’d be tempted to let him know anonymously through a 3rd party, wait for them to fall out - and then consider whether she should proceed with the pregnancy or not. I hardly ever suggest a termination but this is one occasion when I would. Neither of them are mature enough to have sex IMO and she needs to concentrate on her child - and her future.

The fact she went back to such a boy suggests a lack of self-esteem. Get her away from this boy; help her focus on her child; and help her map a proper future and gain some self esteem.

I think the person's comment was simply pointing out that its 50/50- why make the comment about why wasnt he using condoms when you could also say why didnt she? It's not about blaming one, they are both responsible for contraception.

What was stopping him using condoms??
Absolutely nothing butva lot if girls get pressured by boyfriend's not to use them.
The girl gets pregnant and boyfriend rides off into the sunset wanting nothing to do with the baby.
A much better option would be taking responsibility for your your own fertility.
ButteredRadish
OP has posted to ask for opinions and I’ve given mine? Do you not understand how Mumsnet works?
She was asking opinions on how to deal with the situation now. You haven't been helpful.

*ThatsNotMyTeen ·
He doesn’t sound great but at least there’s a potential explanation given his own shit upbringing. What’s your daughter’s excuse for initially getting pregnant by a 15 year old?

Jeez was there any need?
That could have been me. I was from a loving family, big house, lots of money, strict but caring parents but I got in with what I thought was ' the cool kids' then there was peer pressure from the lads. Awful looking back.
I work with teens now and I see this scenario happening on a fairly regular basis.

In this situation I would be telling social worker that dd needs more support and would have to leave the family home due to overcrowding. This dies t mean OP is giving up on her and she can still be supportive but if dd moves into a mother and baby unit it potentially opens up services to support in the immediate future and also help with future housing once time at mother and baby expires, help with education and future employment.
I have seen many, many girls that have been in Op's dd situation and once they got into their 20s thrive and do incredibly well. They just need the right support at the right time rather than being judged and sneered at.

I'd be devastated if this was my DD or DS and certainly wouldn't be supporting the decision to have DC2.

Yes. A friend’s step-sister did this. She’s mid 20s, has 5 children, lives in a chaotic household with occasional visits from the father of these children. She can’t cope with the children because they’re so close in age. She hardly ever comes out of her house and does nothing, having seeming to have shrunk to nothing personality-wise. She channels her upset and powerlessness into poor decisions, eg she’s just bought two puppies. It’s pathetic - in both senses of the word. She could have done so much more.

I dont think anyone would but again it still has to be the daughters decision.

Thanks everyone for the replies, really appreciate it.

DD says she doesn’t want a termination but wants to talk to him first before fully deciding. She said she can’t make that decision without telling him which I understand but also I don’t think it’s going to go well. He’s barely coping with the baby he’s already got. But she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to be pushed into anything and I’ve told her I’ll support her whatever she chooses even if I don’t agree with it.

She is a good mum to my grandson, that’s the hardest bit. She’s trying her best. Her college has a nursery attached so that’s been a massive help and I look after him when she wants to go out with her friends now and then. I don’t mind doing that, she’s still young and needs a bit of space too. But it’s like I’m carrying the weight of it all and she’s still too wrapped up in this boy to see how bad it is.

I don’t trust him at all with grandson. When the baby fell off the sofa, he wasn’t even alone. He was with his foster mum and she left the room for five mins because she trusted him not to go outside. But he did. And he didn’t even tell DD what happened, his foster mum did. I was fuming. DD was upset but again made excuses about him not being in the right headspace etc.

He gives her money now and again but he’s always vague about where it’s coming from. Says it’s his allowance from being in foster care but I don’t buy it. I’ve got a gut feeling he’s dealing. No hard proof but it doesn’t sit right with me. I help out financially where I can. DD says she doesn’t want to get a job yet because she’d never get to spend time with the baby and I get that but it’s still all falling back on me.

He turned up here a few weeks ago stinking of weed and I told him to leave. I wasn’t having him anywhere near the baby like that. DD actually agreed with me that time and said he shouldn’t have come over like that so at least she didn’t argue.

When she fell pregnant with grandson, she wasn’t on any contraception. I didn’t even know they were serious let alone sleeping together. They were 14 and 15 when he was conceived. I had spoken to her about safe sex and all of that but I didn’t know what was going on until she was 5 months gone so it was already too late for any decisions. She’s been on the pill since then and I thought she was being careful but obviously not.

I just don’t know where this is heading. She’s so wrapped up in this idea that they’re a family and he’s trying his best but he’s just not. I’m exhausted and scared she’s going to ruin her future trying to hold together something that was never stable to begin with.

It's harsh but the posters saying she hasn't learned her lesson are correct, will it be baby #3 next year then baby #4 the following year? It should not be your responsibility to look after them, as much as you probably adore them x

I've got no helpful advice but you sound like such a good Mum/Grandma 🌸

In this situation I would tell my DD " Nope not supporting you with your crap decisions". Appreciate it's not easy. Nothing ever is.

I’m sorry OP but she is not a good mum. She provides him with nothing. Including safety and wellbeing. That’s all on you.

I wouldn’t push her towards an abortion. No matter the outcome, your role needs to be more focused on keeping her options open rather than closing them down. Otherwise, she’ll come to resent you.
I think you need to give her some space. I know that’s hard, but she needs to comprehend the reality of the decision she’s about to make. She’s got a good support system in you, she’s at College, she has a chance to be a fantastic role model to her DS and make the best out of life. The reality is, 2 is going to be impossible to maintain her studies. But she needs to realise that herself.

I just don’t know where this is heading. She’s so wrapped up in this idea that they’re a family and he’s trying his best but he’s just not. I’m exhausted and scared she’s going to ruin her future trying to hold together something that was never stable to begin with.

Which is why my priority would be to get her the hell away from him. Let them fall out, let another girl turn his head, move away - anything to stop this with no going back to this destructive relationship,

OP asked for opinions and advice. I gave OP my opinion and advice that I think her DD perhaps either doesn’t understand contraception or is trying to get pregnant intentionally…. That is advice and you are NOT the thread police!

He’s a 16 year old kid, dealing weed and in foster care. How many adult men in “big important jobs” do we see “accidentally” getting their partners pregnant but you expect this lad to use condoms?

At the end of the day it’s the girls/women left holding the baby. Any sensible mother would beg their daughter to take precautions for herself and not rely on this boy to wear condoms.

Tbh not many 15 year old boys are ready to become a father. It’s a lot of responsibility and he has hardly had good role models. He’s still a kid. The pot smoking is probably an escape. He probably stays with her because it’s the only family he has. Having another child could tip him over the edge. I’m sorry but your daughter is irresponsible. I don’t believe in the accidental pregnancy while on the pill. She should do the right thing and terminate.

@notacooldadYou have absolutely no place to police what other posters can & can’t post. None!

Are you there in their house? How do you know this? Yes being with the dad is not good, but how many people on here are married to wasters, and they usually get told ‘you sound like a great mum’?

This, your support has made her think you'll be ok with baby nos 2. She is 17 FFS get angry with her for being so stupid.

@Ilovepastafortea you have an made an important point about adoption. It is a reasonable option allowing OP's DD to avoid the trauma of termination. But it is not an easy path by any means to give up a baby for adoption.

Alas both DD & the father are so very young, what has been done is done & between them they have the tools & resources (!) with not much else to see very far ahead.

I mentioned contacting the socisl services, really for signposting to appropriate teen focused resources, also to 'borrow authority' from an external agency to guide DD's ynderstanding that she is not a child anymore in any of these dynamics & decisions. To borrow an old phrase, she's made her bbed & now has to lie in it.

Not to threaten, admonish, or disapprove of her but to show that through the eyes those qualified & paid to support & protect the vulnerable, her children are the priority not so much her.

It seems an odd mission to undertake, but the dawn only really rose in a family member's eyes that none of the interest was about her any more, it was about the children.

From your earlier comments about your DD telling the father, there seems a reluctance. But these are the consequences of their actions. Hard lessons sometimes to grasp.

OP you need support for yourself, stiffen your boundaries to protect your own wellbeing & resilience - you are going to need it.

I have to say I rather agree with this. Because she won’t learn the limitations of her world view otherwise. She must wake up and realize the true cost of her decisions on her vulnerable children.

Right now she (stupidly) centers him and its all about what he wants or needs. I think about that line “once or twice you are a victim but after that you are a perpetrator.” Your dd is no longer a helpless victim of circumstances. She has chosen to be a mother and to accept responsibility for this child. The bf at this point isn’t family—he is like a hobby pet she can’t afford. Everything she does for him simply steals from her child. And from her life.

I would tell her bluntly that I will not support a second child. She needs to have a plan for housing, education, and school of work that can make that possible on her own.

Why is she wrapped up in the idea that they are a family? No where in your post does it seem like a stable family set up. Your daughter obviously has been relying on you to help with the baby and picking up her life to some extent by studying but you need a massive heart to heart now. Bring her down to earth point out exactly how he’s not supporting her, how his past actions appear to everyone including social services and his foster mum. He’s a kid that doesn’t sound like he wants the responsibility your daughter needs to see that and accept it otherwise she’s going to take his side and you will be left with both grandkids.

I’ve read the thread.
She lives with her mum and attends college. Her mum pays for everything and provides the boy with a warm home and his food.
She wastes her time on a teenage drug addict. She’s now fallen pregnant by him again putting a bigger strain on her mum and her son.

That is not a good mum.