DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

There's a lot of would have, could have, should haves here which don't really help your situation.

She's in over her head as his he.

These are two young people not equipped to look after these children on their own. It's difficult enough for parents their ages but there's a lot of added complications here which compound things.

She has an existing social worker.
They should be notified of the pregnancy.
Between both you as her parent and the social worker, as additional support, there needs to be some very serious conversations re:

1. Income
2. Childcare
3. Contraception
4. Co-dependency
5. Maturity
6. Overall life goals

If she isn't already doing a parenting class, she needs to start.

She could also do with some counselling as the amount she is dealing with at such a young age must be overwhelming.

She is, naturally, applying immature, though? decision making, behaviours and expectations to be very mature issues and problems.

You need to tell her that his ability to support her and potentially two children is nil, if he's still at a stage where he can't communicate with foster carers and is planning on running away etc.

I don't envy you but at least she has you, even though you're ill equipped to deal with this (very few people would be!). It's time for the very tough and uneasy conversations.

@DavidBrentsGuitar

its nothing to do with class, its to do with the fact that he’s a 15 year old traumatised child.

Probably the same thing that’s stopping him getting a job, doing well in his exams, not being a loser, etc.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP. I was a young mum so I know how stressful it is all round. Although I had a supportive other half who’s a great dad.

This maybe an unpopular opinion but I’d be having serious words with her about a termination and if she refuses lay down the law about her supporting herself and stick to what you say. I’d be in the position if it was my dad to try move her as far away from this boy as possible. I know you may not be but if you are I’d seriously consider it because he’s not going to all of a sudden turn into dad of the year and they are BOTH too irresponsible together.

I hope everything turns out ok for you all

Sorry my DD not dad lol

If she was my DD, I'd be strongly encouraging a termination. It's not fair to bring another innocent into this mess.

Imho I think it would be best if your daughter could get a place of her own and then you can take a step back and be grandma and let whatever happen, happen at the end of the day she’s basically an adult I was a mum of 2 at 18 and it was hard I had NO support off of my family it’s definitely possible

Kids having kids and expecting their parent to deal with it. Drives me mad, life goes on for them while the GP is stuck at home bringing up their babies. When I got my first proper boyfriend (at 18) my father made it perfectly clear that if "anything" happened I would not be staying under his roof. And I knew he meant it. You daughter needs an implant not the pill, and taking off down the clinic I'm sorry to say. What if this happens again next year? When would it stop?

I agree , some people are very cold & unkind , I could never do that either to my own child ..
She’s young , no obviously it’s not ideal , whole life Infront of her , difficult for sure now , but will come good again …

The 16-year old father is not only a child, but a child without his own parents. I really don't know what to say about how you describe him, it makes me want to cry for him.

She's stuck raising a child, with or without a rubbish dad, whether she keeps the baby or not. Honestly not sure the second child makes a terribly big difference in the grand scheme of things.

She's stuck raising a child, with or without a rubbish dad, whether she keeps the baby or not. Honestly not sure the second child makes a terribly big difference in the grand scheme of things.

OP you sound like a lovely mum, and very balanced in your approach. Your daughter sounds like she has done very well so far as such a young mum.
Having another baby now is going to make like 1000 times more difficult. Childcare , getting a job, moving on and up. All of the important stuff. I would echo the thoughts and sentiments of other posters regarding encouraging a termination. Your daughter needs to be realistic, boyfriend is not parent material right now. Another baby is not going to be right for him either. She needs to put herself and her existing child first.
It is so difficult, but you OP also need to think of yourself too. Be clear with her that you can do no more . It just isn't realistic.

Everything more difficult, nor like - apologies bad typing 😕

Oh no, what a difficult situation 😕 Of course they're both way too young, kids themselves. They need to take more responsibility, bit late to say now I know. Can you imagine if the same thing keeps happening in the next few years?

I really feel for you. It looks like you will be stepping up to help, and it may break you what with full time work etc. You really are going to be back at the beginning again, and almost like a surrogate father figure to your girls babies. Hopefully she will come to the best conclusion, but stop babysitting so she finds it hard.

It’s very hard as with him being in foster care - which he is already complaining about - it’s all essentially falling on op.

… and what she is facing is causing her dd to lose both her pregnancy and her bf.

Not saying that is definitely the wrong outcome, but we need to be fair to op about the scale of what she is facing in stepping into it.

Yes, he will have so many issues of his own so I can't imagine the stress of 2 kids at his age.

At the end of the day contraception is so available in our society, the responsibility of which lies with both and if both are irresponsible it's ultimately the girl who needs to take the more available and effective form.

Why does the girl need to be more responsible and take a pill- which often has side effects- when condoms are so easily available for men?

OP, you sound lovely and it’s clear you love your daughter and grandson very much. You’re also very measured and compassionate towards the boyfriend.

I understand that your approach comes from a place where you don’t want to push her away from you and more towards him. I’d imagine your aim was to prevent a scenario where she ended up more tied to him. Unfortunately, that hasn’t worked.

In your shoes, I’d change tack and take a harder approach. I’m not saying you should throw her out on the street, but there’s a wide spectrum between seeing her homeless with two small children, and giving her such an easy life that she can choose to keep having children with this boy and essentially enjoy a very charmed life because you’re picking up the slack.

I would do everything I could to encourage a termination, even withdrawing any support you currently give her with your grandson.

I get it’s harsh but what you’ve done up to now hasn’t worked. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions.

She should have shown more responsibility because she is the one who is most impacted by the consequences (apart from the children obviously). She is also older, has a stable home, and a supportive parent, unlike the boy child in this situation.

This is so sad, because it really does sound as if a termination would be the best option. If she doesn't want a life on benefits then she needs to focus on her career and work out how to provide long-term care for the child she has already; she can't expect you to care for two small children, one is already asking a lot. She also can't live in her childhood bedroom with a toddler and a baby and no money. The boy sounds hopeless and if he reacts like he did last time it might be a good thing, in as much as she will see him for who he is. She needs to ask herself, is this really what she wants for her life?

How many irresponsible guys use condoms?

Not making excuses for either in this situation but your daughter's BF probably doesn't know how to step up if he's been in foster care for years. He will also have had experiences of perhaps neglect or abuse which has necessitated placement in the foster care system. Your daughter should have known better than to 'mess up' her contraception.i know she's young but that's no excuse when you've just had one baby, it's irresponsible by both of them. Is your daughter aware of the realities of the situation if she has another child? I'm sure you've told her but you need to reinforce this by being hands off so she understands what the future holds if she goes ahead with this pregnancy and the negative effect on her children of poverty and isolation as it's unlikely she will be able to provide for her children as well as you do. Is there a strong male figure who can speak to the boy and find out how he feels about this and encourage him to step up? Be kind to them, they're young and stupid as all teenagers of this age can be. Be firm, lay down some boundaries and make sure they stick to them or you'll be looking after grandchild no.3 by the time your daught is 19.