DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

I’d be absolutely furious with the pair of them! One unplanned pregnancy at 16 is one thing but to fall pregnant so soon again that wasn’t planned? No.
Of course she’s your daughter and you want (and should) be there to support her but by providing financial support, babysitting, a free roof over her head and she doesn’t have any reason to worry too much about the consequences because she knows you’ll be there to bail her out.
You need to start getting firmer with her. She doesn’t get to choose not to have a job, although I appreciate that’s tricky with college and a baby and she doesn’t get to choose whether to look into any benefits. Otherwise she’ll just keep continuing this cycle and you’ll be expected to keep being the safety net.

I agree he likely does have some encouragement from foster carers, however as the OP stated he’s been in and out since he was very young so of course he sees parenting from a different perspective we don’t know what that child has been through to just be written off and called useless, neither of them are barely out of school and you have people slating him that he isn’t providing financially 😂 honestly what jobs can a 16 & 17 year old get that is going to pay for two babies, they’re not even old enough to apply for benefits.

@PinkPrint if you are a parent yourself, under-18s can apply for benefits.

If teens can't support babies, they shouldn't have them. Simple.

On the one hand everyone is saying teen brains dont develop till 25, so they cant be held responsible for anything, ever.

Ok. In that case they shouldn't be having kids. They are not competent.

I am. And you... and all the tax payers on here.

Yes under exceptional circumstances the mum will get a minimal amount of universal credit, highly unlikely the dad will unless he gets a small amount for being in care and education, neither of which is enough to support two babies.

Why indeed?

As a PP said we're talking about humans here, and humans need proper care within a settled environment which they're certainly not going to get from their mother or their hopeless father - and a "great mum" which OP insists she is would never bring children into these circumstances in the first place

She has a child so she's entitled to claim for UC in ger own right a pp said it was about £170 / week so she wouldn't exactly be rolling in it it but she would be better off yan she is now on nothing.

This is all fine and I believe some very young people could be wonderful parents, but who’s actually paying for it all? If your ideal is to have kids young and not bother with all the “middle class” career nonsense, then no one is going to have high enough paying jobs to support all of these young parents through taxes.

Yes all those stupid middle class people with their posh careers, paying taxes to support the free spirits who put family first!

Yes, including the parents that DavidBrentsGuitar is so busy sneering at.

I do have a career actually, so my parents and ME and my husband thankyou very fucking much, are paying taxes. Just because I don't wish to sneer at young mothers, it doesn't automatically mean I am not working ! Lord above.

You can have a well paying job that doesn't require uni you know ? Plumber, builder ? Beautician/aesthetics? Supermarket management role ? Senior administrator?

Obviously. Some of those pay better than “middle class” jobs. But you’re not going to seriously suggest that 16 year old parents are self sufficient without government or parent support?

I think you’ve misread that post - no one has suggested that you don’t personally pay tax or have a career.

@DavidBrentsGuitar

its not bitter to not want to have to co-parent the offspring of your teenage daughter!
oh, and I would much rather have a child in my forties than in my teens!

she doesn’t want to though does she, she wants her to
mum to keep paying for her

Gosh bit of lack of comprehension skills there but excellent straw man construction skills.

Pretty sure it's too late for that...?

She's such a good mother of course. OP has said says she doesn’t want to get a job yet because she’d never get to spend time with the baby.

Nope. She is a few weeks pregnant. Not even a foetus.

And what do you suggest she does with the 11 month old?

Plumber or builder will require participation in an apprenticeship schemevand attendance at a workplace. Neither of which OP's daughter is at present capable of or interested in.

The senior management roles will require either years of working up from entry level jobs or entry at degree level.

Step up and take responsibility. She is 18 yo in a minute and a grown up.

That baby is already being looked after and supported by her poor mum. This thread is about pregnancy no 2.