DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

I haven't read the thread but how weird are some people?
I had a child at 16 and have no regrets in fact at one point the only regret I had was not giving him a sibling close in age.
Although my mother did make me leave the family home and made it clear baby sitting would only be done occasionally, her choice of course.

Ten years from now none of this will matter.

Of course it will matter 10 years from now. What a silly thing to say.

You don't know that it won't matter. I was born to a 17 year old who had zero interest in understanding how to be a parent and so my grandparents had to raise me. I am not exaggerating when I say that this has had consequences that will affect me for the rest of my life. And my mother had the sense to stop at one baby and there was no weed smoking deadbeat dad around. With the additional complexities of the OP's situation I think everyone with grave concerns is spot on.

Because you're more than certainly (as are most of these posters) coming from a middle class perspective.

My life now is 'middle class' but my roots are very firmly working class.

Working class lives are often a little different, people tend to have children younger and there's less focus on career.

So therefore it's unfathomable to you and others on here that anyone would have a life goal different from "uni, career, sailing at the weekends, more career, more promotion, have kids at 35+". It's that angle you're coming from.

Ops circumstances are less than ideal. But abortion isn't the only option. The horse has bolted. With op's support and the dead beat dad off the scene, she'll maybe flourish.

Who's paying for this? Does OP have a job that pays enough to cover childcare for 2 children? Or does she have a spouse earning enough for her to be a stay at home grandmother?

How exactly will a 17 yo single mother of two flourish?
The horse has bolted? Perhaps, but fix the fucking stable door before getting more horses!

Like I said I had my child at 16, it hasn't even been ten years yet actually but the world did not end and we live a normal life.

Granted I haven't read all 16 pages of this thread so if there's more to the story I do apologise.
Posters telling op she needs to make her daughter have an abortion are especially unhinged, she already has one child by this boy having two with the same dad is hardly going to make a massive difference in the long run, an abortion would probably lead to some serious regret.

Nice to hear your success story 😀. I expect unfortunately you remember all too well how it felt to be 'kicked out'. Things like that stay with you. But you've obviously made it work. I think a lot of posters on here cannot see past their middle class blinkers and see having a baby under 25 as the most horrifying outcome ever.

But there again , if your sole focus in life is "uni/career" then it makes sense that family/children is seen as a low priority hence the waiting until you're nearly menopausal.

As I said previously I now have what is for all intents and purposes a "middle class " life. But I can see both sides as I was bought up very much in the thick of "working class" values. So my outlook finds a balance somewhere in the middle.

I don't get the obsession with pushing "career" onto kids like it's utterly vital and the only thing in life worth pursuing. We've told our children to get a job that makes you happy, make sure you work hard at school and have opportunities accessible to you, that you need a decent enough wage nowadays to have a comfortable life, but that there's a balance to be had. And if you want to spend time with your family and kids one day, that a high flying career will cost you that (especially if partner will be doing the same). I find the "career at all costs" people can brag their daughter writes research for a living and has had some published articles, but a childminder brings the kids up and the "love" they show them is via a plentiful supply of "structured activities" so that they can brag Sebastian is "top of the local league at fencing". And so the cycle continues.

Balance is what we teach our children. Because ultimately, family is what really matters. Good enough jobs that your children are happy in with a wage that allows a level of comfort is good enough in my opinion.

I'm sorry to hear your mother had no interest in raising you, I know people who's mother's also had no interest in raising them but were 35 when they were born.
Like I said though I had my eldest at 16 so I'm not talking from a place of no experience but we are doing fine and live a normal life almost ten years later, still with the dad although yes he was an absolute mess at age 16/17 too. Just because he had a tough childhood doesn't necessarily mean he's doomed to never grow up.

Lot of catastrophising on here

Do you have two kids? If you do, do you really think the second one made no difference to your life? Didn't cost any more, take up more of your time? Two kids are always more work than one.

There's a middle ground between unemployed single teen mum of two, and putting career first. Housing and feeding your own kids should be the start point for anyone. She doesn't have a wage to be happy with. There is no attempt at balance here.
I had my first at 21 btw. So I think I occupy that middle ground quite well.

I do now yes much bigger age gap then ops grandkids will have though. Which is arguably more complicated and expensive because you have to buy all the stuff you got rid of again.

Truthfully, with no exaggeration: the 'worst' mothers I know we're 38 and 42 at the birth of the first and only child.

They'd spent so long over indulging their own self, that having a child was something they could not adjust to. Both kids are now absolutely nightmares (through no fault of their own ). Frequently palmed off, so many clubs to avoid spending time with them, frequent couples nights away and solo trips to avoid being at home. Kids both have anger issues and parents are scratching their heads. (I'm not ).

On the other side of it, a mum at school said she never wanted children. Had one at 41 and is an absolute wonderful mother (if slightly over indulgent) and says it's been the making of her , but she has been in tears before professing how much she regrets leaving it so late and that because of that her daughter will never have a sibling. She tells anyone who'll listen "do it whilst you're young !!!"

I agree. Don't let these die hard posters make you think you're opinion is "wrong". They lift literally cannot see another side to their ingrained beliefs. I bet you've done a great job raising your child.

What fascinating anecdotes from which to make vast sweeping generalisations about the age women choose to become mothers. Sounds like you really have an axe to grind tbh. And I say this as someone whose mum and sisters had kids in their teens.

It's not the baby equipment that makes a second child expensive though is it?

DD says she doesn’t want to get a job yet because she’d never get to spend time with the baby

So who is going to pay for this and baby number 2?

Thank you 🙂

While these posters are entitled to their opinions I do think it's messed up they're talking as if a forced abortion is the only good option here.
And saying the grandmothers parenting must have been rubbish for her daughter to get pregnant so young has admittedly struck a nerve because there is nothing my mother could of done to stop me, unless these posters lock their daughter's in towers like Rapunzel till age 18 they have no right to be so arrogant

OP will be paying, just as she does this baby.Though she says she can't manage on her wage. So eventually the tax payer will be paying.

But then two babies are just as cheap as one, so that's ok then. And every baby needs a sibling. 🙄

It's not a baby under 25 that's a horrifying outcome. It's two babies under 18 with a useless father, no education and the childcare provision ending as soon as she leaves college. I have a friend who had a child at 17, and she did make it work, the difference was that she had a boyfriend (they did get married when she turned 18) who was already working hard and took responsibility of supporting his family financially. He spent his 20s upskilling and started making really nice money. They also had two sets of grandparents living nearby willing to help and do school & pre-school pick ups. She became a nurse and the family is all well and still together 20 years after.

The problem is the OP's daughter has none of that: there is only one grandmother available to help and there is no money coming from the father. Her choices so far have not been indicative that she understands the gravity of situation (e.g. not applying for benefits because 'she doesn't want this type of life').

I bet majority of posters on this topic don't think having a child in early 20s is a tragedy, but the situation described by the OP looks like car crash in slow motion. Half of the children living with single parents live in poverty, add to that being a teen mum of two and it's even harder.

You say balance is needed between career and family, but there is no balance in this scenario. There is no wage and no financial/material comfort here.

And yet I knew this would be the response to my comment, it isn’t about boys vs girls, man vs woman.
We all know that as women we bare the brunt of responsibility when it comes to child rearing wether 16 or 36, however,
the 16/17 year old girl has had the full support of her mother I’m assuming showing her how to be a good a parent as she can, which she clearly is not by getting pregnant again.

I have two teenage sons, who I know wouldn’t be able to take care of a child should I task them with looking after one today, however, if they came home and told me they had got a young girl pregnant I would not be happy but I would be prepared to support them 100% and try my damned hardest to make sure they are there to be present in their child’s life, this young boy does not have that support nor does he have any real encouragement only people putting him down.

I looked at entitledto.com and put in an imaginary 17 year old with a baby under 1, living with family rent free and not paying for childcare - she'd get about £170 per week, as well as child benefit.

She does need to get a job, especially over the summer holidays. Even if it’s only 4hrs a week washing up in your local pub - it’s something to add to her CV and gives her a sense of worth and brings her a few pounds in. I fear she sees that having a baby (and then another) as a convenient excuse not to work and join the real world.

Now more than ever she needs to step up and be a grown up, and that starts with taking some financial responsibility for herself and her child(ren).

Knowing what I do about children who grow up in care, he probably does have encouragement from his foster carers, but he has probably zero experience of a good example from his own parents, and also zero willingness to learn or understanding of what responsibility even means.

Exactly this.

It’s not about having a baby as a teenager, its about the individual circumstances and the maturity of the couple.