DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

A British Asian or South Asian would have never supported their teenage child to be a parent.

Whilst I may agree that some comments are brusque, yet understandable.....ain't no woman in her forties who has chosen a geriatric pregnancy for first time motherhood jealous of a 17 yr old who is potentially a two time baby mother to an unstable 16 yr old boy with attachment issues up the wazoo , which said mother has chosen not to guard her womb against.

As for having hands on help from granny, all that has brought to life is the fact that said granny has been harbouring slackness....because the girl should not have even had time to be undertaking a continued sex life with somebody who has proven themselves of being incapable of parenting if she was parenting sufficiently and re assimilating into the world in order to get herself together education/job wise.

You need to check your levels if you think grown first time mothers are jealous of that dysfunctional carry on and the at least seventeen more years of it to come ( and Goddess forbid any possible "issues" being passed down to the children).

The hands on grandmothering has not led to the daughter having much " Cop on", has it?

I say this as somebody who had my daughter when planned geriatric pregnancies for first children were not a cultural phenomenon in the West.

‘Supposed to be on the pill? Your DD really needs to sort some decent birth control

On the bright side, by mid 30s her babies will be adults so plenty of life left in her

But what about the kids? What kind of life would they have with absent father and low income single mother? What if OP’s dd find another man in a few years and have more kids?
Why would you bring more kids in an unstable environment?

This thread is not created to discuss a situation of a 44 year old pregnant woman. Nor anyone is advising op to tell her daughter to have second child in her 40s.
But it’s fair to say it’s irresponsible to advise OP’s dd to have another child now in order to have a great life after mid 30s.

This girl is living in lala land. Shes 17 and immature, she needs to understand that she cant be creating a family and adding to that family on someone else's coin and labour. I'd be telling her if she's going to grow her family then she needs to move out and go on the council waiting list. I'd then be explaining benefits to her and how it's likely she'll face hardship even with your help. She needs a dose of reality.

I'm from a solid working class background although my lifestyle and job is firmly middle. There's some great things that we working classes do but i'm from a long line of wonderful women who were left holding the babies and with sod all money. Let's not romanticise it.

What a load of nonsense you have posted.

Really.

Its nothing to be proud of.

The father is a child, from a difficult upbringing. How can he be expected to look after a child, being one himself -a troubled one as such? A termination is the best course of action. They had a child at an age they were babies themselves. Why allow them to commit the same mistake twice? (I'm sure it would not be the last, either).

Absolutely this. She needs to realise that this is her mess. The boy is clearly a waste of space. You are not responsible

I would highly encourage termination and an implant and I would make it very very plain that while I adore my grandson - I am not a parent and she is on her own if she continues with this ill advised pregnancy. Once is a teenage mistake with a happy ending - twice is a lifestyle choice. That should not be tolerated.

I’ve only read through your posts, not the full thread so apologies if this has already been said but in relation to the dad. I truly think you’re expecting too much.

A 16 year old who has spent much of his life in foster care willl be suffering from trauma and most likely be functioning emotionally at a much lower age than he is. If you think of him in terms of a 12 year old rather than a 16 year old in terms of what he is capable of, it might, whilst not make things easier, might make more sense for you to get your head around:

He is also likely to have severe attachment disorder which will make any attachment he needs to make a near impossibility, including to you DD & DGS.

Im Not saying this expecting you to change anything as your first responsibility it towards your DD & DGS but knowing you’re likely dealing with a very trauma’d boy might help with the understanding of why you’re not getting anything from him.

15 pages of replies and over half of them are so helpfully suggesting termination, like they're the first one who thought of that genius idea.
Thank god OP has you guys to let her know of this unheard of concept.
All you posters need to do now, because "she needs a termination OP", is explain to OP how she goes about legally, ethically, and logistically restraining her child, bundling them up in the car, getting her into the clinic, and getting her to sign her name against her will.
So clever.

Anyway, OP vent away. It sounds like a very difficult situation, and one that's largely out of your control, except of course if you choose to kick out a child and a baby onto the street, which any normal parent would NOT do. I would definitely sit down and have a good chat to her, about her holidays and doing all the parenting in this time, and about applying for benefits, having a good look at budget/living arrangements etc of having 2 babies to see if it's actually an option, and research a more reliable contraception.

I wouldn't worry too much about the boy, except to encourage your daughter not to leave the baby alone with him.

Good luck, you sound like such a lovely supportive mum.

What do you mean by allow?
Objectively speaking of course a termination is the most sensible course of action
But this is the Ops daughters decision to make nobody else's.

Trying to think how I’d feel in this situation because I’m sure I would’ve acted like you so far (my one piece of advice from my own mother when I was younger was, if you get pregnant you will move out and we’d never support you again so I vowed I’d never be like this with my children - not difficult!)
I do think your daughter has let you down - you’ve supported her and she’s done really well to return to her studies. You put your trust in her but the situation has changed so much. I’m interested as to why she is motivated to study but then not work? Can you sit her down and talk to her about this? When I was about 28 I worked with a woman senior to me but about the same age. I was single no children. She’d had a baby very young which she brought up with parents’ help, studied and worked her way up so by the time I knew her the child was in secondary school and fairly independent. She had focused on her child and career and had stayed single, I thought she was amazing. It’s difficult for you to advise your daughter to stay away from the boy and/or have a termination in case it pushes her to do the opposite as you say, or resent you later, but she needs to know she’s not “just” adding another baby, this is now completely different. Best of luck.

Very true, daughter's choice
but OP can decide how she is going forward. She can inform the daughter that she doesn't want to house and feed 3 extra people.
Daughter can then plan ahead (with SS) to have her baby and take care of her family.

I don’t think op is “ trying to be a friend.”

She’s trying to be a grandmother ( and more) to a little boy who, despite the circumstances, she rightly and naturally loves.

He is entirely innocent in this and for that reason, father and DD aside, I couldn’t do the “ stepping back” being suggested on here. He will have bonded with op. Everything suggests his relationship with his dad will be rocky if not non existent down the line. Op will be a hugely important anchor for the child. No it’s not fair. Life isn’t. But we step up to protect the children as best we can and as a priority.

Op I think the best thing you can do is explain to your dd you don’t have more bandwidth for a second “ child” that isn’t yours. Make clear you love and support her little boy, and I don’t think at 17 you can insist on a termination, but you can make clear you will need heaps more support from her. Making her think hard is about as much as you can do.

Please don’t step back from your grandson. He may light up when his feckless dad appears as a novelty, but you are more fundamentally a significant and meaningful chunk of his tiny world.

What a nightmare for you OP. I think she needs to understand that having a baby is a grown-up act, requiring her be be an adult. She needs to start to plan how she intends to financially support her family, house them. For her to presume mum will help them out is CF territory. I'd sit her down and tell her she needs to work out a plan for independence over the next 2 years. How does she intend to support not just one but two babies, and work. Look at nursery costs. How is she going to afford it? Saying she doesn't want to claim benefits is fine, she needs to get to work then, not imagine mum will pay! Clearly the boy is unlikely to step up/ grown-up up in the short time. She is literally being left to hold the babies.

Sounds like she's happy to keep popping them out because she has mummy to do the hard work for her 😡

Thankyou for this sensible and balanced post , in the sea of unhelpful forced abortion and 'withdraw all support ' callousness.

It does sound like you have done all you can to help

Excellent comments.

Yes I can't quite believe rock solid contraception wasn't a condition of all the support from OP. Far too lax.

When I read posts like this I do wonder what sort of an upbringing these "children" have had. Surely it is a parents job to instil in their children what is/is not appropriate regarding relationships and taking precautions to make sure that they start their families at an appropriate time. What sort of life is the first baby going to have being born to a barely adult mother and a father who sounds like a total loser then to bring another into the mix. I am 100% certain that in this instance a termination is the correct route as no way does this girl seem capable of making sensible decisions.