DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

She can do what she wants but it doesn’t have to be under your roof. I’d be asking her to move out especially once she turns 18.

Seriously?
Your post will only serve to make the OP feel both obligated and guilty for other people's mistakes and their refusal to learn from their mistakes.

Social services are not the Parent-Police.

That's a low personal Insult to a differing opinion.

There are some really damn right nasty comments on this thread about a 17yr old young lady. I just can't help thinking there's some sour grapes from the ones starting in their 40s and jealousy of her set up with a very hands on helping mother.

There's seems to be an awful lot of strong coercion on convincing the mother to tell her to abort, suggestions she's chucked out, suggesting the mother withdraws all support. It sounds steeped in bitterness.

Bitter much ? I'm guessing you either don't have children or you started the wrong side of 35.

Washing your hands of a pregnant young daughter is the least maternal act. What a hideous comment. I'm absolutely sure there's a lot of bitterness and bullying for a 17yr old on here utterly saturated in jealousy that she's young and is making it work due to the back up of a supportive mum. The comments have riled up way too much hatred to have not hit raw nerves with people.

I really do think it's because Mumsnet is a middle class site where everyone waits until they're menopausal and the CEO of Barclays before getting pregnant. Then either find children way too much hard work because they've over planned it and it's a firework going off in their perfect neat little career worlds or they then regret waiting until it's all 'perfect' and they've got a million quid in the bank

I haven't even got skin in the game. I was in my late 20s and married (still married) , but I can see their is way too much personal hatred for a young pregnant girl on here for there not to be an ulterior motive

Those "mistakes" are her daughter's children. Her grandchildren. We're talking about Humans here....

Why does it bother you so much that her mum is so supportive I wonder?

Because the OP says she's tired and doesnt want to do it again. Clearly stated in her post.
She doesnt want to provide any more support.

No, not guilty at all. Why should she feel guilty?

She is obligated, though. It’s her own daughter and grandson. Her daughter is still a child.

I would never want my child to be left to cope alone, no matter what they had done.

Well why do you suppose the OP opened a thread about this?

100% . There is some really emotionally cold responses on this thread.

I do think it's a middle class thing though. Careers before family. The end. Sad state of affairs. (I have a career, although went part time,a DH and a stable life and was in my late 20s when my children were born , so it's not like I've got personal experience of ops situation) But I don't feel the need to be so damn cold and unfeeling. If it was my daughter, we'd make it work and I would support her entirely. Because that's what unconditional love is.

If OP takes this unconditional love approach, she could well be parenting and paying for 4 kids by the time her daughter is 20. Fine if she wants to.
But as she has pointed out, she is tired with one.

The "jellus" posts are incredible considering what is being described. Jealous of a 15 year old being pregnant by a 14 year old troubled boy in foster care? Who thinks like this???

Purely from a physical point of view who wants their 17 year old to have had two pregnancies and deliveries before the age of 18???

There is so little compassion on here for a teenage girl (not a young lady - a teenager) who is settling into a life no one here would want - "parenting" with a disturbed and troubled young boyn who let his baby roll off the sofa so he could vape. Having two babies with social services involved. Relying on a mother who might - gasp horror - have had other plans for these years.

This is an awful situation. But one baby is already born. He should be the priority. The happy clappy you'll be done by 30 and then off to get your PhD crowd are just deluded.

If it was my daughter, we'd make it work and I would support her entirely. Because that's what unconditional love is.

And if your daughter kept having babies - still support unconditionally?

Sometimes unconditional acceptance is just refusing to actually be a parent and say the hard stuff.

That's a bit of supposition. You do you. But if you treated your theoretical daughter like some age suggesting on here: forced abortion, chucking her and her babies out of her only support network, reporting her to social services, refusing to be any form of hands on care : then it's your daughter that ends up in therapy and going no contact.

There is not a chance in hell I'd allow my daughter to feel alone in the world at her most vulnerable. Some really "cold " people on here.

You can't force a 17yr old not to get pregnant. And once she is pregnant, the horse has bolted. So you step up and step In. You don't leave your own daughter and grandchildren without support. Well, I wouldn't.

I'm so sorry OP. I'd be so angry, once you can forgive but twice? That's just taking advantage of you.

I'd be making sure that your DD is aware that you are tired and are done raising babies.

I think the "it's young to have a baby at 44" crowd are equally deluded. Biologically it's ancient to have babies in your 40s. There's a lot of competitive encouragement on Mumsnet to push having kids 35-40+. I do think it's a case of "I've waited to long, and bitter, so I'll make sure you're in that boat as well". I honestly think there's a western world crisis happening with women delaying motherhood and we will see the consequences of this in decades to come.

Ops situation is a shit show. But it's happening. I'm pointing out there are some bright sides to her youthful motherhood. The boy will be long gone soon, that's obvious, and likely for the best. But thank god op is a hands on supportive mum and grandparent, and that means hopefully, the daughter being a young mum may not be the end of the world. No point throwing every negative about it out there, because it's happened already. She must best deal with the situation.

oh for goodness sake of course you have to support her. Although at some point she will be on her own - seeing as she is old enough to be a parent and all.

Still at some point as a parent don't you think you need to stop her going down this path?

Or do you think - yeah babies and you're not 40. Great! Go for it.

I am Asian mate; we generally don't do that manipulative no contact rubbish used as a threat against parents.😀

I do have a DD and a DS, both in their 20s. One lives at home.
I don't even allow their partners in my home and I am bloody glad I don't.
Not that I am blaming OP. I am not.

It is quite possible to have babies at some stage between 15 and 44.🙄 These are not the only two choices. You know, when you can actually support them yourself.

You are probably British Asian - but I do really genuinely admire and agree with the Asian family model. I work with many South East Asians and they treat their families so much better and they're so much closer knit. That real "takes a village" attitude. I think the western world, particularly UK model of "family" is horrific (and getting worse ) people are horribly selfish. And I agree with you, this "no contact" shit is a very American navel gazing thing.

But..... That said... I don't think it shows good "family" morale to kick your own pregnant young daughter out and report her to social services.

I don’t think anyone has (ever) said it’s young to have a baby at 44. Honestly I don’t know where you’ve got this bizarre idea that posters are jealous of this girl who became impregnated by a 14 year old child. Seriously, I really do not think anyone is jealous of this situation at all! It’s actually very sad for all involved. Most people would agree that being unable to provide your own child with shelter, food and warmth is far from ideal, and that’s the situation here because the OP is providing all of that whilst DD seems clueless about what’s actually involved in adult life.

Clearly the situation with the (existing) baby has already happened, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to double down on it and have another one…

I agree.

But there are some really hostile, cold, borderline abusive posts regarding a vulnerable pregnant 17yr old mother on here. I can't help thinking some of the more callous replies are from people that are having a raw nerve touched somewhere.

If your DD can't cope with her baby in her own with her partner without your support she'll never manage 2. I'd encourage abortion and I do t say that lightly. It would be quick and painless at 5 weeks. No need to even tell her partner if she doesn't want to.

I think as a parent it’s your job to guide your daughter, she is very young and immature. Tell her it will be unfair to the first child as already he has one almost absent parent and other also not fully grown up. Bringing another child will take away from whatever care and resources he is getting.
She would have a very hard life. Also, you cannot be the second parent. So she needs to rethink her decision as she is not ready to raise two children. Once she has a job and a stable partner capable of co parenting, she can have more kids.