DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

You've been too lovely and supportive.

She hasn't had to accept limits on free time or money.

I know you got slated for this - but I actually agree with you.

To be crude: the damage is already done. She's already had a baby with him. That was the sliding doors moment. It's gone.

Like I said on my post : by mid 30s her children will be adults and she can then pursue a better job/study (I know young mums that have done this ) one of which had twins at 17 and is now a very senior manager.

Best for little one to have a sibling close in age. Full siblings too and a hands on and supportive grandmother.

I do think some posters it hits a raw nerve when they realise because they started at 42 for example - they'll be pensioners when they're children are adults. If you're 16 - you'll be 34! Then you can see many more generations (hopefully) ok it's less than ideal. But there can be up sides to it.

What an awful situation that is going from bad to worse.

I would also strongly encourage her to terminate this pregnancy.
The father is useless and there is nothing to suggest that this will change.
Your daughter is trying her best and you are trying your best to look after your daughter.
Supporting her both financially and practically going to college, studying and babysitting (which I imagine is closer to baby rearing that babysitting), you are obviously doing your best. You have even encouraged her to act her age and go out with her friends.

If she proceeds with this pregnancy, I think you will have to tell her that you will not and cannot continue to support her. Will she even know what life will look like for her without your help.

For all your sakes, she needs to see this before baby no. 3 and baby no. 4 come along.

This. OP this sounds awful for you, sounds like you're doing a great job for your DD and DGS

I’m afraid that whilst I would never throw my child out, I absolutely would not be parenting the baby and definitely not a second one. I’d provide shelter, food, but not childcare
I’d also be telling social services very clearly the true situation and that you aren’t providing parenting support anymore

I'd do the same, @Merryoldgoat, but the difficulty will arise when - having got used to all the childcare OP's doing and doubtless now expecting it - her DD leaves the house in a huff because she's expected to do more and leaves the babies to her mum

For me that would be the time to report the abandonment to social services and so force the issue, but I rather doubt she'll do that

Sorry, but with all the reluctance to override the DD's foolish choices (not telling the father or the foster parents, etc.) I believe rather too much is being left up to a child
Certainly OP can't force an abortion, but maybe if the consequences of what she's doing became much clearer the DD might come to the sensible decision herself and leave the silly fantasy of parenting with the father behind

This is a baffling post by @DavidBrentsGuitar..( meant to quote but messed it up) How on earth can the OP do any more than she has? She is already doing too much. 2 babies will
And of course, always the usual MN logic: anyone advising against this have a raw nerve. Who on earth would be jealous of the OP's daughter?

I must lead a very restricted life because I have never met any of these 17-year-olds who had 2 children and went on to become CEOs or senior managers.
All the data shows otherwise.

Now she's finishing college OP, I think you need to massively withdraw from any parenting of the baby. She's now got the entire summer for you to leave her in sole parental charge of this baby. Even if she feels unwell, don't step in. I think a little bit of cruel to be kind may work now.

@StrugglingNannyNan you say:

She ended up doing everything and was completely exhausted

So she bloody should! It doesn't matter if you're 16, 26 or 36 you need to step up and parenting is difficult. She needs to realise that.

I do think some posters it hits a raw nerve when they realise because they started at 42 for example - they'll be pensioners when they're children are adults. If you're 16 - you'll be 34! Then you can see many more generations (hopefully) ok it's less than ideal. But there can be up sides to it.

Good grief. I must be very odd because I can't see a single upside of a teenager having a baby.

Presumably the 'generations' referred to are the ones actually rearing these teenager's babies. Lucky them! No wonder you are so hopeful they will remain around long enough. Personally I'd prefer to be a pensioner supporting my own kid's uni education than rear my grandchildren or great grandchildren while in my fifties and sixties.

I’m in a similar situation, just 18 months ahead in terms of babies ages. Tons of support out there for mum, make sure she signs up for all of it. Pressure him into getting drug help and if he doesn’t take it then he can’t have unsupervised access. SS will be involved and mum will have to adhere or she faces consequences of her own.

We can only support and be there when needed, even if that’s an everyday ask. Sometimes I can’t as I work full time but I will if I can. Same with money, I don’t feel obliged to fund them but I think I spend what’s reasonable on my grand babies. I take the judgement away cos that only winds me up and there I am all angry and frustrated for something that’s in my head. We can’t control how others live their lives.

I have the best 2 grand babies I could ever wish for and I love every second with them. They're adored and living their best lives. It’s not fair on them or me to have any negativity hanging around so I choose not to bring it.

good luck OP x

I cannot think of anything worse than rearing my grandchildren in my 50s and I told both my children that in no uncertain terms.

This. The only reason you should be helping with childcare is so that she can get coursework done, attend classes or get a part time job and pay you some money. NOT for hanging out with mates.
Heck I am in my 30s and I don't use my mum or MIL for childcare for frivolities. They help if DH and I have a non negotiable work commitment or a medical appointment, not if we want to go on a time wasting jolly. We got that out of our systems before having children. Maybe your daughter should have done the same.

Yes she will be 34, just in time to be saddled with grandchildren because sadly this type of cycle continues across generations.

I think that I would be sitting down with her and asking her to come up with a plan about how she's going to manage 2 children, pay for them and any childcare and either return to college or get a job and a house.
I would get her to go through the bills that she would need to pay for. I bet that she doesn't have a clue about water, electricity, phone/wifi bills, tv licence, council tax, rent, food, appliances, house insurance and childcare etc. I would expect her to research all this information herself. I would be telling her that you cannot have two babies in the house and that you are not its mother. You helped her out first time round to show her the ropes and you are happy to help support her whilst she's at college, but she needs to get her act together. It sounds to me as though you have done so much for her that she's living in a bubble.

There is such a lot of naivete on this thread.

"She'll have her children reared by the time she is 35"

Well yeah maybe. But it is equally likely that she will have a third or fourth child into her 20s. Why not? I can't imagine anyone thought she'd get pregnant less than a year after a pregnancy at 15? Then maybe at the age of 30 she'll have broken up with the current fellow and will meet another gem of a man. And will have a kid with him. It goes on and on.

This girl is making very poor choices. Getting pregnant at 15 by a 14 year old is a spectacularly bad choice - of course the baby is a gift but not one that should have happened to this girl. Having another just cements her into a cycle of lack of choices, poor parenting and lack of career. That anyone thinks this could be a good thing is astonishing to me.

This op has more than enough on her plate without assuming responsibility for her dd’s 16 year old partner. It sounds like his foster family have tried their best and will have access to support systems that she doesn’t.

Simply, they are too young to be dealing with 1 child never mind 2. I would be strongly encouraging an abortion as being in everyone’s best interest. And I wouldn’t tell this boy anything about the pregnancy either.

I think the only thing I would be insisting upon here is her claiming any benefits she is entitled to. Is she at least claiming child benefit? You shouldn’t be supporting her finically if she’s not at least doing this.
Otherwise it sounds like she has been doing a great job in stepping up and being a mum, managing to still go to college as well. And it appears that you both have a good relationship and she knows you have her back. I think this’s is a great achievement given the circumstances, not to mention that your grandchild appears to be well loved and cared for.

OP - you need to tell your daughter that of course the decision is hers to have this second baby, but that equally it is your decision not to support her if she chooses to.
You have every right to live your own life - are you working, have you got a social life, for example?
Is your daughter's dad around to offer support for you all?

100% this. Why a sudden influx of posts about people having children in their forties which is not remotely relevant to this thread?

@DavidBrentsGuitar

are you really genuinely suggesting that a 14 and 15 year old are in a better position for parenthood than a couple who are say 42?? Are you on drugs??

@DavidBrentsGuitar

“I do think some posters it hits a raw nerve when they realise because they started at 42 for example - they'll be pensioners when they're children are adults.”

so? Their offspring will be old enough to parent their own kids won’t they?

I have children and I'd be washing my hands of her too.

DD isn’t getting any benefits at the moment. I’ve encouraged her to look into it but she says she doesn’t want to get “used to that life”

But she's happy to get used to the life of her mum funding her and her baby? No. You are not financially responsible for her child/ren. How dare she refuse benefits but expect you to pay?

I really feel for you - this is such a difficult situation.

It sounds like you’re a wonderfully supportive Mum and Grandma, OP.

I don’t think you should walk away, as some are saying - while it’s hard for you, it sounds like your young daughter and grandson would be lost without you… they need your guidance and protection. And you love them, clearly.

I don’t think it would be right either to ‘advise’ your daughter into a termination. It’s her body, and her child - I think that if that’s what she wants, it has to come from her.

She's going to keep.making babies and expect you to help. You need to suggest an abortion and a coil/implant. If she refuses then she'd be better off moving out. The council will put her in temporary accommodation, if she goes there and explains she's been kicked out.