DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

She can't claim benefit until she's 18.

As a 17 year old single mum she may be eligible for Universal Credit. UC can help with living costs and housing. She may also qualify for Child Benefit and other support depending on their circumstances.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/benefits/benefits-checkers/benefits-finder-under-18/

@MumChp You asked “what does the dad pay” - he’s 15 and in foster care, where would he get the money to give child support? He is a child.

I think she can in certain circumstances,the child needs to eat.

This may be the most horrifically stupid post I have ever read on here.

This is how the cycle of deprivation continues.

This thread is scary.

Yes 16 and the Ops daughter is 17
But I agree he won't be getting much if anything

Things must have changed since I worked in a benefits office then. I would have thought that since she lives with a parent she wouldn't be able to claim.

Focus on DD’s plan. She’ll produce one when she realises you’re slipping away with your purse.

I’m not sure having no2 is such a great idea - a single mom with 2 is not as attractive a prospect as DD might wish for a lasting relationship.

(Current BF won’t last as boyfriend or father but you know that.)

He is 16. He could if he wanted work and pay to his child's support but mostly he isn't in any fit state to do so. If/then he claims a benefit he should pay.

If he doesn't pay towards 1st why should he have any say regarding a 2nd child?

I would ask daughter to work a bit on the numbers. It takes a few £ to raise two young children and she can't rely on dad.

www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/child-maintenance-rates-explained

Yes she would have been eligible for the £500 maternity grant as well to pay for the general outlay of baby stuff before he was born, I’m guessing OP had to foot that bill instead 😬

From my understanding she can claim in her.own right ?
Different circumstances but my son is disabled and will never be able to work currently he's 15 and we claim benefits for him but as I understand it he would be able to claim in his own right including UC in some circumstances from 16

@CaptainMyCaptain Can’t she even claim child benefit for her son? I didn’t realize that, that seems really unfair on her Mum!

Possibly child benefit. I don't know the rules any more. Someone asked why she couldn't get benefit. If she isn't there must be a reason.

Pretty sure she can clsim.both child benefit and UC

Sorry to be harsh but I don’t think you should be blaming the boy for all this; in fact I think you should be looking at your own involvement because you’re the one that’s brought her up! She clearly thinks nothing of being a teen mum because you’ve essentially condoned it the first time! She clearly thinks that mummy will always bail her out. No doubt it will end up with her losing both kids to social services at this rate. She’s an irresponsible and selfish young girl.

Yes it's her choice but she hasn't exactly made great decisions to date. And no doubt the boyfriend will make out he'll ne a great day and 'how could you kill our child' or something similar.

Most likely yes, and she should talk to SS about social housing, benefits snd support at home.
She can't go on living at home paid by her mum with two babies.
Time to grow up and raise those kids independendly if she wants an even bigger family.

So.I have just checked and yes she can claim from 16//17 It under special circumstances such as being a parent obviously it's not ideal but it's allowed

I’ve told her it’s her choice, not his, and if she does want to terminate then she doesn’t have to tell him anything. But she says she has to tell him. Says she’d feel too guilty lying or keeping it from him and that he already struggles to trust people, so it would ruin everything between them if he found out after. I get what she’s saying in a way but I also think she’s overthinking how much he’s really involved. She still hasn’t told him today, she says it doesn’t feel like the right time. I’m just worried she’ll leave it too late.

I’m not even sure how far along she is. She said she’s only a few weeks and found out a few days ago. I haven’t seen any dates or proof so I’m just going off what she’s told me.

People have asked when she even had time to get pregnant again and honestly I’m wondering the same. I sometimes pop out to the shops or for errands when he’s here, and now I’m questioning whether they’re sleeping together while I’m out and grandson’s in the house. Or if she’s been saying she’s out seeing friends and actually been with him instead. It’s hard to keep tabs and I don’t want to be controlling, but it’s starting to feel like I’ve been left out of the loop completely.

I hear what people are saying about reducing the babysitting and I will be stepping back more now college is over.

It's going to be tough for her. But I don't think you should persuade her to have an abortion, the damage is done here (for want of a better way of phrasing it), she's already got a baby by Mr useless. He's tied to her now. I think another baby is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of it. I'd be very supportive of her and take on a very active role in her and the children's lives (if you can ) as she'll really need a strong support network and stability for her and her children, because this boy can't provide that. It'd be wise to talk to her very seriously about contraception after this baby is born. 2 little children at 17/18 won't kill her, but it will be tough going.

Good luck. I don't like to be cynical , but I do wonder how much of a benefit having the dad involved will be.

Hopefully this will be the making of her. Not all young parents make poor parents : many make great mums and dads and I'm sure with your help your daughter will do fine. On the bright side, by mid 30s her babies will be adults so plenty of life left in her to study or build a career if that's what she wants. Probably better than starting out at 40+ like many do these days.

Tad harsh. Better than starting motherhood at 40+ , at least she's got an alive support network. I wouldn't be thrilled if it was my daughter (less so if the calibre of the father was like this one ) but I'd definitely support and help my daughter if she was a pregnant 16yr old. Better than hobbling on my Zimmer frame nearly croaking it if they wait until they're 44 and being no help to them whatsoever.

Most of you are so much nicer than I am.

I understand she's your daughter so you're naturally going to be concentrating on her, but I really feel for her boyfriend. He was a very vulnerable 14 year old who had grown up in care when she first got pregnant. I know you say she's the year above, but how much older is she? Did you speak to her about him being younger and especially vulnerable given his circumstances when they got together?

You can't really compare their parenting abilities. It's hard enough being a teenage parent but she has a loving family supporting her. The odds were already stacked against him before he became a dad.

As hard as it is, I'd try and support him as best you can. He's your grandchild's dad and it's in their best interest that he is given support to be the best dad he can be.

I don't genuinely agree with termination as a form of contraception but in this case it's the best for all concerned. Then I would suggest she has the coil or the implant

I woud also limit his time with DD and DGS in your house.
A friend of mine was 16 when she had her first baby, her boyfriend was a prick, lazy, smoked weed, aggressive, did fuck all for the baby. Social services got involved and because she was seen to be supportive of his behaviour by not leaving, the baby was taken into care and within a year was adopted. She stayed as she had nowhere to go, family disowned her (very strictly religious), so she held onto him.

The baby is 22 now. She has shown interest in meeting my friend who is no longer with the prick, and has two very well brought up sons. But she's petrified that her daughter just wants to say something because friend liased with her adopted mum (who very kindly sent photos every 6 months) and apparently she is very angry, although had known throughout she was adopted. She had her file at 18 and feels friend let her down.

It's hard. But she needs to know by sticking with him she could be seen as being accepting of potential harm, especially after the sofa incident. She needs to choose her child or the boyfriend.