DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

That does still sound like a lot of childcare to be honest. Which is lovely, but too much support and too few boundaries has obviously led her to beleive it's easy and you'll do it again. How will she juggle college with two of them if she needs so much help with one?

I feel very sorry for all of these kids. The baby, the unborn child and the two parents who are still kids themselves. They all need help and support (and better contraception for the older ones). I would be worried and disappointed myself in OPs position but i dont think i could step back.

You've answered your question there. He’s not capable of basic parenting. How can he be with no role model? Neither of them is mature enough to prevent pregnancies. I can feel a tough talk incoming and hope that you all work it out.
Good Luck!

Forget all about the boy. He will never be a good dad.

Why isn't she on a benefit? She isn't working? And she wants to have child number two?
How does your daughter think you support a family?
You babysit do she can see friends? You should babysit then she is studying hard and working hard to support her child!

What does the dad pay? I wouldn't go with this 'he pays what he likes then he likes' no way.
FFS they are parents they need to sort their sh*t instead of you paying.

I would really cut down on finansiel support.

1. I see little point in a termination given they're already parents now. Might as well on and have siblings, her life is parenting now for a while anyway. And small gap may mean she gets her life back sooner. Give it 5 years and she can have them both in school by the time she's 22, rather than longing it out until she's 30.

1. I always think if a little one is going to grow up in an irregular setup, in this case teenage parents, that it's nice for them to have a buddy to go through it with.

1. The dad is only a boy. His behaviour is typical for a teenage boy. I'm impressed your daughter is doing a good job. Give him a mo, I'll bet he'll get there.

1. It is indeed preferable they at least have the same daddy.

Give them 5 years?
Who will raise the children and pay for their needs?

The parents don't have 5 years. It's not a time maschine.

Tbh if grandmum steps down and don't house them, don't babysit the children and don't pay for all their needs these two young children will end up in foster care in no time.

This kind of mentality is why people end up stuck in these dysfunctional lifestyles.

I grew up in a dysfunctional home and the reason I have broken the cycle is my poor miserable mother telling me never to end up like her.

When she died I thought she’d killed herself she was so miserable. Thankfully she hadn’t but the fact it was my first thought at 19 tells you all you need to know.

Siblings were no help.

I hate thinking like this but the number of actually stupid people out there is really worrying.

I agree with @TheAutumnCrow’s advice that when speaking to your DD you need to stress that she’s nearly an adult and you can’t give her your future on a plate to keep rescuing her from her present poor decisions. That’s crazily unfair.

She needs to think through the long term consequences of having two children to care for and support as a young single Mum, because her bf is unlikely to step up.

She def. needs to look into what she’s entitled to benefits-wise as well. She’s her son’s parent, not you, you shouldn’t be paying for everything, esp. if she has a second child. You’re not the family cash cow. 💐

If your DD does not want a job or to claim benefits, then you need to be prepared to finance her and her children?
Many who have children have to go to work full time and don’t see their children as much in order to feed, clothe and house their chikdren. Why does she think she is exempt from this? Being an adult means making these difficult decisions. Having chikdren means having to earn money.

Yes whilst I can see why others would push for a termination it could work IF she has this second one, gets on some proper reliable long-term contraception (coil, implant) and makes sure that’s it, absolutely no more babies. I’m assuming she will be 18 when this one is born? Can she not look into what support or benefits may be available and look into getting housed? I have no idea how it works nowadays but 10/15 years ago when I was that age girls I knew in that situation would be in the little mum and baby flats at a local hostel then eventually get their own flat. You can still be on-hand to help but it won’t be as all-consuming.

And yes it’s not ideal to rely on welfare but as above she will be 22 when they are both at school! Still so so young and they will only get older and more independent.

You’ve talked to your daughter properly about all this, presumably? She’s as much to blame as her DP (and doesn’t have his excuses - being a kid in the system can be extremely traumatic). What’s her thought process? What is she playing at, exactly?

she c@alims no benefits? so youre paying for everything-she hasto claim everyhing she can thats not fair on you and then what happens when this 2ns baby comes along and your4e covering for them aswell

@dejavoo @Summercocktailsgalore Yes, right now the OP is in a parenting role for her DD’s expanding family. I’d do the same if mine had a child young, but her DD can’t expect that level of support indefinitely-esp. as she could ease the financial burden by seeing which benefits she’s entitled to. I can’t understand why she thinks it’s ok for the OP to finance everything?!

It far from idea but if I were you I would start with asking her, what's her long term plan.

Ask her if you had to move away for work or other reasons:

1. What would her plan for housing be?
2. What's her income plan?
3. What's her contraception plan going forward?
4. Childcare plan?

Highlight all of the support you've given and ask her what her plan is if that isn't possible.

She needs to understand that you cannot be propping up her life choices.

You sound really kind but kind of passive about the whole situation?
17 year old DD apparently gets to just decide not to apply for benefits because she knows you’ll be there with a handout. She’s a child so probably doesn’t really understand the implications but maybe it’s time for her to have to grow up and deal with the consequences of her actions. Do you think she’s even considered how much a second child would cost and whether that would actually be affordable for you? If she had to manage her own finances she might be a little more careful about getting pregnant again.
Really difficult situation for you knowing that if you step back the baby is the one who suffers, so I can see why you’re trying to take it all on.
Absolutely no surprise that a 15 year old boy in care is no use looking after a baby. Looking after a baby is hard for couples in their thirties who have carefully planned and attended classes; it’s just totally unrealistic to expect him to have a clue, or the emotional maturity to deal with this.

What you see as support (childcare and finances) I see as enablement. You (with good intentions) are cushioning your DD from the reality of her situation, no wonder she feels able to have a second child.
I also think you're expecting way too much if a teenage boy, particularly one with such a chaotic background himself.

I would assume she wants this baby as it doesn’t sound like she is wanting an abortion.
The good news is, she’s proving herself to be a capable mum with your support - would that change with two? I know it’s devastating but you need to know what you are willing and able to offer in terms of support if she has this baby.
Forget dad, clearly all of his time with the child/ren needs to be supervised and so long as they’re not planning on moving in together, you and foster carer will help support DD in keeping them safe. Her love for him will dwindle if she doesn’t feel pressurised to get rid and at least she can already recognise some of his actions are not ok.

I’d be very clear with her about the level of help you are able to offer. Tell her that she needs to apply for benefits now. None of this that’s not the life she wants nonsense. That’s the life she has except she has chosen to sponge off you instead. That needs to stop.

Id also be telling her that you will not be able to do as much child care for 2 kids as you currently do as you know that it will be too tiring for you.

Then tell her she needs to see a counsellor to talk through her options. Arrange this for her. Remind her that yes this is her decision but as adults when we make decisions we also need to live with the consequences so she needs to focus on the consequences for everyone here.

I agree with a PP - he is a cared-for child...what is your DDs excuse? There are plenty of young, sexually active girls but they aren't all popping out babies at the rate of one a year. If she was truly, seriously wanting to prevent pregnancy, then the morning-after pill is a thing. It sounds to me as though she's clinging to this young man and thinks, as many young and impressionable girls do, that having his babies is a way to keep him.

Have you asked her what her game plan is, were something to happen to you that meant you were no longer around or able to care for her child(ren)?

He’s still very much a child himself so I think it would be unfair to pile the blame onto him entirely.

Your DD should know better as she’s a little older and has already been through it once before and is the one left holding the baby.

I think a termination needs to be encouraged along with long term contraception. They both need a firm talking to or they are heading for a very hard start in life.

What do you mean? Isn't it her choice?

This^

Oh op, this must be such a stressful time for you.

Thing is, he may be struggling. I am sure he has faced significant trauma. I'm sure life has been hard for him. This might be him really really trying. Or it might be that he just can't be arsed.

The important thing is that whether he's trying or not doesn't really matter that much in the impact on your grandson or to this potential child. It matters to them that the parents and adults in their life show up practically and emotionally. If they can't, it doesn't make it that much better that it's because they had problems, it's still shit for them. If the wee one gets hurt cause dad wasn't watching him, it doesn't really matter if dad went out to smoke because he has emotional problems, it just matters that he was left alone and got hurt. There needs to be a minimum standard no matter what the dad is going through. Her son needs parents who can meet that minimum standard.

Your daughter should apply for benefits. She doesn't seem to have insight into the fact that she hasn't gotten used to benefits being there, she's gotten used to you being there as an alternative...

And the whole ‘not wanting to claim benefits’ thing comes across as extremely immature. It makes no sense as she’s not supporting herself anyway. She has created this situation and life that necessitates her relying on others for the foreseeable future, so she doesn’t have the luxury to be getting high and mighty about claiming benefits. She needs to claim whatever she is entitled to and take the strain off you.

Tbh if she was my daughter she wouldn't have a choice.
I think it's fair of OP to sit daughter down and sort benefits.