Page 10 | DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

StrugglingNannyNan · 2025-06-22T14:05:47+00:00

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it. DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless. Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly. He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time. He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry. The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting. His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around. Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it. I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

Favouritefruits · 22/06/2025 19:34

StrugglingNannyNan · 22/06/2025 19:24

By support I mean I’m trying to be someone she can come to and be honest with. I do help financially and I do a fair chunk of the childcare, yes. It’s her last week of college before summer this week and that’s been the main reason I’ve stepped in so much, just trying to help her keep that going. The college nursery is great but obviously doesn’t cover evenings or weekends so I step in when needed. I also look after grandson every now and then so she can see her friends. I don’t mind doing that part, she needs a bit of normal life too, but it’s starting to feel like I’m doing the parenting sometimes.

She’s asked me not to tell his foster carers about the pregnancy until she’s told him herself. I said I think they need to know but she begged me to wait. I’m keeping an eye on things and I will say something if I feel like it’s getting unsafe or too much for her.

They usually take grandson out to the park when they see each other or he comes round here. He doesn’t do much in terms of actual parenting unless she really pushes him. Like today they came back from the park and she basically guided him through bathing grandson, giving him his bottle and putting him to bed. If she hadn’t encouraged him I honestly doubt he’d have done any of it on his own. And he still had to ask where everything was.

He used to stay over sometimes but he was no help to her at all with night feeds or getting up when the baby cried. She ended up doing everything and was completely exhausted. I put my foot down on that eventually and said if he’s not contributing there’s no reason for him to be here overnight. That was months ago now and he hasn’t stayed since.

DD isn’t getting any benefits at the moment. I’ve encouraged her to look into it but she says she doesn’t want to get “used to that life” which I do understand, but realistically she’s already got a child and now possibly a second on the way. I can’t keep doing everything financially long term.

Her dad passed away when she was 11. They weren’t especially close as he lived about three hours away and they mostly just talked on the phone, but it still knocked her when he died. I do sometimes wonder if that’s part of why she clings to this boy so hard, trying to make a family unit she never really had.

Believe me I’ve thought about stepping back more and I do think I need to. It’s just hard when I see her struggling and know the baby would be the one to suffer. But I hear what you’re saying and I think it might be time for some firmer boundaries.

I understand you want to help but in the long term I don’t think you’ll find you are helping. Most women with a 11month baby don’t socialise with friends much or at all without the baby. Lots of women work two jobs and hardly see their child to keep their children fed and clothed.

I think you really need to step back even if it’s just for the weeks she’s on holiday from college. No babysitting, no watching baby for lie ins.

its such a sad situation but you need to let go and step back so your DD can step up and be a real mum with all the struggles it brings.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 22/06/2025 19:36

Take as old as time, song as old as rhyme….

Sorry OP, but if you make this easy she will continue down the path. How do you 💯 know she didn’t intend this joking to have two children not too far apart in age?

She obviously ‘loves’ him and hopes that he will do better and she will be able to ‘change’ him. In the world of teen logic… when really she’s headed to a council house on a life of benefit and children living in poverty…

Time to have the difficult conversation OP and for her to realise that choices have consequences.

Sortalike · 22/06/2025 19:38

@StrugglingNannyNan

I feel for you.

If it helps - I was a 17 year old who had a termination 35 years ago, pregnant as a result of a contraception failure.

I was doing my A levels at the time, didn't have a job, my boyfriend was working but earned peanuts, I was getting pocket money because I was at college so we were skint kids.

Termination was the only option, his parents would have gone nuclear - only he and my mum knew I was pregnant, my dad to this day still doesn't know.

It was hard at the time, because it wasn't something that was openly discussed. I just remember being incredibly sad and ashamed.

Looking back, it was 100% the right choice at that time. It taught me a huge lesson in responsibility for my body, and responsibility for my own life.

Yes, I probably could have gone ahead with having the baby, but my life would have been very different.

I know its hard for your DD, but it a choice only she can make. Give her the cold hard facts. She will be a single parent, her BF is unlikely to step up and be a supportive and present dad. Housing? What are her options? Work? What does she want to? How will she manage children, work, home, social life on her own? What support, other than you, does she have?

A termination isn't an easy choice, but is a sensible option in this scenario.

Digdongdoo · 22/06/2025 19:38

Poppins21 · 22/06/2025 19:31

I agree- I don’t think this is a great situation at all but I would have been horrified if someone “encouraged me” to get an abortion. I don’t agree with PP that it is just a bundle of cells at the moment -and as that is my personal belief an abortion is not something I would choose. I just hope the DD makes a decision that is right for her and her child (children). My personal belief also doesn’t mean that I don’t think a woman has a right to choose- her body her choice, but in that I also believe she should be free to make her own choice not pressured.

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The right to choose does not mean the right to have that choice supported. It is neither pressure nor coercion for someone who is not the father of the child to say that withdrawal of support is the consequence of having another baby.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 22/06/2025 19:41

StrugglingNannyNan · 22/06/2025 19:24

By support I mean I’m trying to be someone she can come to and be honest with. I do help financially and I do a fair chunk of the childcare, yes. It’s her last week of college before summer this week and that’s been the main reason I’ve stepped in so much, just trying to help her keep that going. The college nursery is great but obviously doesn’t cover evenings or weekends so I step in when needed. I also look after grandson every now and then so she can see her friends. I don’t mind doing that part, she needs a bit of normal life too, but it’s starting to feel like I’m doing the parenting sometimes.

She’s asked me not to tell his foster carers about the pregnancy until she’s told him herself. I said I think they need to know but she begged me to wait. I’m keeping an eye on things and I will say something if I feel like it’s getting unsafe or too much for her.

They usually take grandson out to the park when they see each other or he comes round here. He doesn’t do much in terms of actual parenting unless she really pushes him. Like today they came back from the park and she basically guided him through bathing grandson, giving him his bottle and putting him to bed. If she hadn’t encouraged him I honestly doubt he’d have done any of it on his own. And he still had to ask where everything was.

He used to stay over sometimes but he was no help to her at all with night feeds or getting up when the baby cried. She ended up doing everything and was completely exhausted. I put my foot down on that eventually and said if he’s not contributing there’s no reason for him to be here overnight. That was months ago now and he hasn’t stayed since.

DD isn’t getting any benefits at the moment. I’ve encouraged her to look into it but she says she doesn’t want to get “used to that life” which I do understand, but realistically she’s already got a child and now possibly a second on the way. I can’t keep doing everything financially long term.

Her dad passed away when she was 11. They weren’t especially close as he lived about three hours away and they mostly just talked on the phone, but it still knocked her when he died. I do sometimes wonder if that’s part of why she clings to this boy so hard, trying to make a family unit she never really had.

Believe me I’ve thought about stepping back more and I do think I need to. It’s just hard when I see her struggling and know the baby would be the one to suffer. But I hear what you’re saying and I think it might be time for some firmer boundaries.

Now both babies will be the ones who suffer… and how ever many more she decides to have and offload onto you.

She’s a terrible mother. You need firm boundaries.

Uricon2 · 22/06/2025 19:43

@Ilovepastafortea thanks. it sounds like you did what many of the same age and a bit older did and made your own decision (sensibly) I'm pro choice but very much feel that no woman should ever be forced or coerced into an abortion she doesn't want, but the OP isn't doing that.

@StrugglingNannyNan you're in a horrible position. I can feel much sympathy with this boy who sounds like has had a rotten start in life and through no fault of his own is horribly unprepared for fatherhood, especially at his age. This doesn't help you though. I think you need to be very honest with your daughter about your feelings and yes, make it known that you are going to step back. The not claiming benefits thing is nonsensical and shows her immaturity and I'd start with that, because you can't continue to be the financial provider.

Poppins21 · 22/06/2025 19:44

Digdongdoo · 22/06/2025 19:38

The right to choose does not mean the right to have that choice supported. It is neither pressure nor coercion for someone who is not the father of the child to say that withdrawal of support is the consequence of having another baby.

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I think the OP should work with her daughter to look at all options such as housing, benefits etc so she can make the best decision for herself. Neither option is the easy option though and irresponsible behaviour has consequences. But my original comment was about the “just get her to terminate” comments- like it solves everything and will have no ramifications.

FlyMeSomewhere · 22/06/2025 19:48

AmelieSummer25 · 22/06/2025 15:28

I hope you don't have kids.

i would be furious, but there's no way I'd 'wash my hands of her' I can't think of much other than maybe murdering a family member that would mean I'd do that. Wash my hands if my own child? Just because she's pregnant?! No way.

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Easy for you to say because it's not you surrendering your life to step in and help rayae the kids your careless daughter keeps having to a mindless loser! It could get to a point where the social services start wanting to.remove the kids so the father can't get near them. The daughter needs to learn to end this situation now before it drags down both her and her mothers futures as well at her kids.

tinyspiny · 22/06/2025 19:51

@StrugglingNannyNan you are not helping her by doing childcare so she can go out and enjoy herself with friends , having a baby should have massively impacted her social life so that she thought twice before doing it again , you have made life way too cushy .

FlyMeSomewhere · 22/06/2025 19:51

Poppins21 · 22/06/2025 19:44

I think the OP should work with her daughter to look at all options such as housing, benefits etc so she can make the best decision for herself. Neither option is the easy option though and irresponsible behaviour has consequences. But my original comment was about the “just get her to terminate” comments- like it solves everything and will have no ramifications.

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But forcing someone to have a child and not allow termination to be an option isn't great either because that's how you end up with a mother that can't cope and post natal depression and kids that suffer. Sometimes termination is the right option rather than people suffering!

x2boys · 22/06/2025 19:52

FlyMeSomewhere · 22/06/2025 19:51

But forcing someone to have a child and not allow termination to be an option isn't great either because that's how you end up with a mother that can't cope and post natal depression and kids that suffer. Sometimes termination is the right option rather than people suffering!

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Pro choice works both ways.

PrincessScarlett · 22/06/2025 19:54

So child is in college nursery when your DD is at college and then you provide childcare in the evenings and weekends. When exactly does your DD parent?

I appreciate that you want to do all you can to help OP but your DD has got to stand on her own two feet. Particularly is another baby is on the way. The best thing you can do for her, if she wants to keep this second baby, is look into what she's entitled to financially and how she would go about finding a house.

And I do agree with others that this boy is never going to know how to be a decent parent when he's had such a turbulent childhood so far. Can you or social services arrange for BOTH of them to go on a parenting course?

Poppins21 · 22/06/2025 19:55

FlyMeSomewhere · 22/06/2025 19:51

But forcing someone to have a child and not allow termination to be an option isn't great either because that's how you end up with a mother that can't cope and post natal depression and kids that suffer. Sometimes termination is the right option rather than people suffering!

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I agree - this was my point- it should be the DD choice. And hopefully the OP can support her in that choice and by that I don’t mean taking 100% responsibility for her grandchildren rather support DD to be a mum in her own right. But OP has said her DD does not want to terminate.

CherryDrops89 · 22/06/2025 19:56

Sounds like you are doing everything in your power to support your daughter and grandson, but at the same time her choices cannot run you into the ground. She absolutely does need to get on benefits. It's easy for her to say she doesn't want to get a job or get used to the benefits life while she falls pregnant for the second time and has her mother carrying her financially and emotionally. She needs to take responsibility and get money for her son. You sound like a very supportive mum and grandparent, make sure you are taking care of yourself as well as them

Pipsquiggle · 22/06/2025 19:59

StrugglingNannyNan · Today 19:24

By support I mean I’m trying to be someone she can come to and be honest with. I do help financially and I do a fair chunk of the childcare, yes. It’s her last week of college before summer this week and that’s been the main reason I’ve stepped in so much, just trying to help her keep that going. The college nursery is great but obviously doesn’t cover evenings or weekends so I step in when needed. I also look after grandson every now and then so she can see her friends. I don’t mind doing that part, she needs a bit of normal life too, but it’s starting to feel like I’m doing the parenting sometimes.

@StrugglingNannyNan It sounds like you do a hell of a lot. It doesn't sound sustainable. You really need to pull back so she does the lion's share and realises how much harder her life will be with 2DC

PennyAnnLane · 22/06/2025 20:05

She doesn’t want to get a job or claim benefits, but she’s just happy for you to foot the bill presumably? With a couple of quid now and then from her teenage drug dealing boyfriend! That is not acceptable, and if she thinks she’ll leave college and walk into a job that pays enough to put two children in nursery and pay her bills then she’s on another planet, I’m in my forties with a husband, we both are well educated with good careers, and I had a decent inheritance, and we’re still struggling to make ends meet with two kids in nursery.

Gyozas · 22/06/2025 20:05

This is unbelievably bleak.

A deadbeat dad of two, and dealing, at 16. Fuuuuuuuuck.

Your daughter is very, very foolish, and I can see you slipping into the role of main carer @StrugglingNannyNan.

2chocolateoranges · 22/06/2025 20:10

Fetaface · 22/06/2025 16:32

We don't know what stopped her. Usually males saying it isn't needed. What stopped him from controlling his penis and what comes out of it?

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As a mother we have the duty of care to ensure our daughters (and sons) understand that they need to take proper control of contraception. Condoms protect against STI’s too.

it takes two to make a baby so it isn’t down to just one of them.

Betty1625 · 22/06/2025 20:11

I think you need to reduce baby sitting...
When did she even have time to get pregnant again

FlyMeSomewhere · 22/06/2025 20:11

Poppins21 · 22/06/2025 19:44

I think the OP should work with her daughter to look at all options such as housing, benefits etc so she can make the best decision for herself. Neither option is the easy option though and irresponsible behaviour has consequences. But my original comment was about the “just get her to terminate” comments- like it solves everything and will have no ramifications.

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Also we do need people to stop being benefit drains and it seems like once you get them in a council house, daddy will keep popping back to knock her up and she'll live off the taxpayer. She's been studying hard at college and thats what should be encouraged, not pregnancies and sat on benefits.

Betty1625 · 22/06/2025 20:13

verycloakanddaggers · 22/06/2025 15:39

What support has he had to deal with his presumably complicated childhood?

It might be worth looking into supporting him more, for the benefit of all of them.

Has he ever had therapy or any mentoring for example? He's had a fractured childhood, it's not easy repairing that damage without help and guidance.

I think OP has enough on her plate without sourcing support for the father-kid of her grandson

MumChp · 22/06/2025 20:13

StrugglingNannyNan · 22/06/2025 17:45

Thanks everyone for the replies, really appreciate it.

DD says she doesn’t want a termination but wants to talk to him first before fully deciding. She said she can’t make that decision without telling him which I understand but also I don’t think it’s going to go well. He’s barely coping with the baby he’s already got. But she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to be pushed into anything and I’ve told her I’ll support her whatever she chooses even if I don’t agree with it.

She is a good mum to my grandson, that’s the hardest bit. She’s trying her best. Her college has a nursery attached so that’s been a massive help and I look after him when she wants to go out with her friends now and then. I don’t mind doing that, she’s still young and needs a bit of space too. But it’s like I’m carrying the weight of it all and she’s still too wrapped up in this boy to see how bad it is.

I don’t trust him at all with grandson. When the baby fell off the sofa, he wasn’t even alone. He was with his foster mum and she left the room for five mins because she trusted him not to go outside. But he did. And he didn’t even tell DD what happened, his foster mum did. I was fuming. DD was upset but again made excuses about him not being in the right headspace etc.

He gives her money now and again but he’s always vague about where it’s coming from. Says it’s his allowance from being in foster care but I don’t buy it. I’ve got a gut feeling he’s dealing. No hard proof but it doesn’t sit right with me. I help out financially where I can. DD says she doesn’t want to get a job yet because she’d never get to spend time with the baby and I get that but it’s still all falling back on me.

He turned up here a few weeks ago stinking of weed and I told him to leave. I wasn’t having him anywhere near the baby like that. DD actually agreed with me that time and said he shouldn’t have come over like that so at least she didn’t argue.

When she fell pregnant with grandson, she wasn’t on any contraception. I didn’t even know they were serious let alone sleeping together. They were 14 and 15 when he was conceived. I had spoken to her about safe sex and all of that but I didn’t know what was going on until she was 5 months gone so it was already too late for any decisions. She’s been on the pill since then and I thought she was being careful but obviously not.

I just don’t know where this is heading. She’s so wrapped up in this idea that they’re a family and he’s trying his best but he’s just not. I’m exhausted and scared she’s going to ruin her future trying to hold together something that was never stable to begin with.

You are a good mum and grandmum but your daughter wants a baby number two? She chooses to be a single mum to two young children being 17 yo with no educatio no job and a useless boyfriend.

I would step down and let mum (a dad) parent her two children. I wouldn't stop being a grandmum but stop being a mum for the babies.

Sure SS must be very aware of the situation?

uncomfortablydumb60 · 22/06/2025 20:16

As hard as it is I do think you should urge her to have a termination.
She's so young with only you stepping up to support her
If she was part of a stable grounded couple it may be doable but no
its too much for you, and she needs to be firmly told that
personally I think she doesn't need to tell him anything if she does terminate.

Original poster

StrugglingNannyNan · 22/06/2025 20:16

tinyspiny · 22/06/2025 19:51

@StrugglingNannyNan you are not helping her by doing childcare so she can go out and enjoy herself with friends , having a baby should have massively impacted her social life so that she thought twice before doing it again , you have made life way too cushy .

Just to clarify, I watch grandson on some evenings so she can get coursework done and the odd few hours here and there on a weekend but not every weekend. Maybe one Saturday a month if that. She’s with him two full days a week herself when she’s not at college and from next week she’ll be with him every day as college finishes and I’ll be working full time through the summer.

OP posts:

BigFreeze · 22/06/2025 20:17

Poor you, your poor daughter and your poor grandchild/ren. They’re both still kids but this lad sounds like he’s not ready to be a dad, who is at 16? My brother had a baby at 16, so I kind of understand what it’s like for a family.

Your daughter will realise what he’s like eventually. I highly doubt there’ll be together in the future. Just continue what you’re doing, supporting her and your grandchild. You’re doing amazing.

I hope childrens services are supporting you’s all.