17 year old is pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hi,
im not sure what I’m asking for here,
my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant.
she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed.
im financially struggling with no family support,
my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms.
had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game.
im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
their dad is not on the scene,
somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

I’m really sorry, this sounds like a really difficult situation. Truthfully, it seems a terrible idea to bring a child into this world with your daughter and her boyfriend as its parents. Equally, it’s not your choice. I would say that if she would stay with you, you might be able to be a stable influence in babies life, but it seems like your hands are already full. I would probably get social services involved already if I’m honest.

@angela1952 Thank you for sharing your very difficult story. I have met women like your DD through voluntary work and the self destructive patterns are very heartbreaking to witness.

The threshold for removal of children is very high but inform SS of all the issues with continuing drugs when PG. it’s the kind of situation when it’s needed. The threshold for removal of children is high but your grandchild could be at risk of being removed at birth. I have met women who this has happened to, some were angry but the best Mothers I have met agreed and didn’t want their children’s lives ruined by their own very difficult lives. They were women with either severe and enduring MH issues, violence in their lives and hardcore drug addictions or a combination of all the difficulties.

It is a horrible utilitarian approach what I am going to say, but if she keeps the baby, the likelihood of the involvement of all the services that help and her desire to keep the baby will increase the likelihood of her cleaning up - simply by virtue that social services will pay more attention to her for the sake of the baby compared if she were a solitary dope-head. Hang in there, involve all the available help - GP, community care, etc. and the baby may save her from herself (with the help of the services);

But you haven’t failed - you’re the one thinking through the reality of the situation here, which clearly isn’t going down well with your daughter. The loser boyfriend and family are letting her stay in a stoned and chaotic environment where she can escape reality. I really feel for you, so frustrating even until now but with a pregnancy in the mix it’s a timing issue. I hope today you can get some guidance and answers (and sort your car!) while your daughter is working. I hesitated to write this as I don’t want to take away from your time but stay strong OP with your practical situation. It’s done through love and I know it’s no consolation now but if your daughter gets through this in whatever way but without the boyfriend and family’s influence, hopefully you will end up with a stronger, independent daughter and a “normal” grandparent role. When I was having a really tough time, a couple of people said to me - “chin up” (one my best friend and one a complete stranger!) Well this complete stranger is saying deep breath and chin up and I hope that’s not too trite. You have your week off to get all the information you can (sorry!) I bet the boyfriend’s family aren’t doing that.

The reason people are encouraging the OP to detach is not because people are heartless and inhumane but because the daughter is currently in cloud cuckoo land and the most likely end result of this pregnancy will be OP helping to raise this child.

She needs to understand early that this child is hers and her partners. Council houses are not handed out to pregnant 17 year olds. Maybe twenty years ago that went on but we now have millions of extra people living here and many of them are also requiring housing.

I would be getting SS involved early and informing them the baby will not be being raised by the grandmother. Also tell them about the weed habit. Hopefully with SS looking over their shoulders they’ll get their acts together and raise the child well.

100% agree with this message x

Coulda woulda shoulda. Yeah right.

So unhelpful, and given the very detailed posts by the OP, not likely to work.

Although the OP's daughter wants housing it's quite possible that she wouldn't cooperate with SS to accept help and I agree that this means that there is a very real risk of the baby being removed at birth.

My youngest daughter is a foster carer and has experience with many children to whom this has happened at the start of their lives, they have never lived with their own families and this is something that will always affect them in some way. She normally fosters older teenagers but knows from their written histories that, in some cases, their mothers have gone on to have other children whom they have brought up themselves. Others have gone on to have other children removed from them. Everything depends on the attitude of the mothers to realistically accept help.

@Katiesaidthat - just FYI and for everyone else who is saying OPs daughter should have been “marched to clinic to get intrauterine device “ or other contraception - this is not how it works. If you are aged 14 upwards and have capacity to make decisions then by law health care staff have to respect the patients autonomy. You can’t pin someone down and force them to have an invasive procedure. Even if you did, the outcome would probably be similar as in OPs situation where her daughter had her long acting contraception removed secretly.

I work in a sexual health clinic and we see complex cases like this regularly @Snowpatrolling. You can give someone all the advice and they can seemingly understand it but it doesn’t mean they have to or will take it You haven’t failed - life life’s. We see young people from ALL walks of life in these situations. It sounds like you’ve been doing a stellar job, on your own 2 daughters with high emotional / mental needs alongside managing through your own trauma and trying to financially survive. I’m sorry this has happened however it unfortunately sounds like it was inevitable if this has been your daughter’s plan for the last 3 years. I think you should focus on the positive stories you hear here and as others have said do all you can to support your daughter whilst not getting fully emerged into it yourself.

There will usually be a midwife who specifically looks after young adults. I definitely agree with making your daughter take responsibility for booking all the appointments for midwife / CAB/ housing etc.She needs to start to learn she has to grow up now. When she gets back from work she fills out the form and she will get a book in appointment at 8 ish weeks. I would urge you to go with her if she would allow it - say you’re happy to even sit outside the whole time if she doesn’t want you in there. She may not feel able to tell the truth about boyfriends housing situation / how much weed she smokes etc so if she doesn’t have you in there room with her - when she nips out to do a urine test I would tell the midwives your concerns. She will hopefully then be on their radar especially if she moves in with her bf and they may also be able to signpost her to places re accomodation and expedite housing for her etc.

I mean this gently OP and not in a critical or judgemental way but because of what she has witnessed as a child herself, your daughter already is at risk of domestic violence. Additionally She has a young male partner who smokes cannabis regularly and already is showing little interest in pregnancy. Things can escalate quickly and I’m sure you’re well aware DV often first rears its head during pregnancy. As understandably frustrated as you are with your daughter, please let her know she can always come to you with this - speak to her openly about your experiences (if this wouldn’t be too traumatic for you). You can have a “door is always open” policy without taking on the responsibility for this new baby.

All the best x

OP I just want to give you an enormous virtual hug. You have clearly been through so much in your life and it must have been a massive blow to lose your job with all that entails. You sound like you have done your absolute level best for your children all on your own but teenage girls can be unbelievably difficult and stroppy. You've been given lots of good advice re referrals here but I just wanted to show you a bit of support. Honestly some people seem to live in complete ivory towers of perfection, judging by some of the comments.

Thankyou, he’s already assaulted her this year, she came home, we got her a job thought all was well but she went back. I tried to encourage her to live her life. It’s all fallen on deaf ears. I’m cleaning the kitchen, waiting for RAC to turn up. When she gets back I’m going to let her take control of the situation and she can make phone calls, I will ring SS tomorrow whilst she’s at work and explain the situation. I know I need to act fast but I can’t today, my youngest has self harmed again last night cos of all the drama (I didn’t raise my voice once at oldest, she was screaming and shouting) I need some form of peace today as I’m trying not to be sick myself.
if the bloody car worked I’d go visit my friend on the coast but alas, no escape for me.
im hoping g by the time ive finished my kitchen it will look less like squaller and more respectable.

Being a mum does not mean you have the answer to all problems and can shoulder all burdens, no matter what your daughter thinks or says. As much as it may not feel like it, leaving this one to the professionals is perhaps the best chance your daughter has got at this time. They will have the separation that is needed to be firm and clear about what she needs to do in order to keep her baby. With the best will in the world you cannot offer that and it is a real possibility that you may permanently damage both yourself and your younger daughter by trying.

I think it's appalling that a child of 14 who is known to be sexually active and known to have behavioural and MH issues could just have her implant removed without her mother's knowledge. Especially given that her mother was instrumental in encouraging her to have an implant in the first place, as a way of trying to protect her. It's like the HCPs would rather bow to your DD's demands and see her crash and burn and ruin her life and a child's, than accept that she is a child and you as her parent, are held responsible for her wellbeing.

That is just some really fucked up prioritising there on the part of the NHS or whichever sexual health/BC charity she went to to have the implant removed.

Absolutely what I would have suggested. I was 17 when this happened to me too,but decided to keep the baby,and though I was short of money for a while it all worked out,please get health professionals involved,it will be fine. The bad boyfriend will prob disappear but thats no one's loss!

This thread is a sad read - the daughter thinks the baby is a free pass to a free house and benefits. It’s happening all over the country sadly and these poor children are being born and then will be ignored (mums on phones all day) shoved in free childcare whilst the mum sits on benefits, then the teachers in schools have to deal with all the issues.
sorry I don’t have any advice for you just sending you some positive & healing energy !

Ok, so I haven’t read the full thread top to bottom so apologies if this has been covered already, but your child obviously has poor mental health and has clashed with you to this extent, what’s the underlying cause of this? IMO it’s not enough to explain away that she’s fallen into the wrong crowd- there’s got to be a root cause… growing up without dad, growing up with money being tight?
I remember being similar age and hating my mum, but behind that I was really traumatised from CSA and basically blamed my mum for it even though it wasn’t her fault. Hopefully once your daughter grows up and becomes a mum herself and works on her trauma etc a more positive relationship can happen?

in that context it’s insane that people are suggesting to kick her out/wash her hands of her, she’s a child! have more faith that people generally want to be the best versions of themselves, she’s at the precipice between child and adult and she can see her mum working two jobs and still not covering rent, it’s not surprising she might think having a baby is a third option.

finally smoking a bit of weed isn’t ideal but it’s better than harder drugs. I’m assuming she’s at least trying to cut down or smoke less? Unfortunately shaming her will drive her to it more.

And give the dog to someone who can look after it properly. I feel sorry for the dog, and if daughter and boyfriend can't look after it properly, there's zero chance they'll look after a baby properly.

This. I think you need to detach yourselft op for your own sanity. Step back and focus on you and your younger dc.
your dd thinks she adult enough to bring a child into the world then leave her to it. She'll soon grow up when she left to deal with everything on her own.
Tough love is definitely what is needed here.

There's a likely ND younger sibling. My understanding of the genetics of ND suggests that, if the younger sibling doesn't have a serious learning disability, it's likely that there are multiple ND people in this family.

OP, I have a AuDHD 5yo. Until I took him for a neurodevelopmental assessment because his big brother is autistic and he was showing similar sensory issues, everyone thought he was NT - just a bit of a handful! It turns out that he's autistic, probably ADHD, has a physical and a working memory disability, and a speech disorder...

These things can be hidden, especially in girls, and especially if another sib has a more obvious disability :)

You sound like you're dealing with things really well OP, honestly.
You don't have to solve all the problems at once, you are prioritising effectively and looking after yourself as well, which IS a priority. (The old phrase is a good one: you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help others).
One step at time and get to visit that friend on the coast as soon as possible, breathe the fresh air xx

This 👆

I had a baby at 19 and it was so hard. I think you and your DD need to have a very open and frank conversation about the options and the realities of what being a teenage mum will be like.

I'm not saying it's an excuse for her actions but could she be suffering from a mental health problem like ADHD/Bipolar/Borderline Personality disorder?
Her behaviour is indicative of these conditions. Girls often present differently from males so it may not have been picked up by health workers. I would focus on sorting out the pregnancy and her housing situation and explore diagnosis with a doctor in the near future. She'll never get better if she has to raise a kid alone whilst mentally unwell.

Regardless, you need to focus on the current situation. Social services need to get involved right now. I wouldn't be hiding the weed use from them either. I agree with other posters than you support her emotionally without raising this kid for her. It won't serve either of you well in the long run. Best of luck op x

I don’t know if social services will care about the weed smoking. I reported a family who were doing it around their baby and they didn’t care.

My friend did too. It really made her grow up and she is now a brilliant mum to a fab 13 year old, working full time as a teacher, kid doing well at school, no new men on the scene and in her own house.
This girl sounds like a disaster though and not someone I would want to leave a small baby with. Not her mother’s fault of course.

Absolutely NO criticism from me whatsoever, @Snowpatrolling - you have been through so much in your life, and have clearly done everything you could do, to support your children. It is a horrible situation, but I think you are doing what is best for your dd and for yourself. There's an old saying - you can't pour from an empty jug - and I suspect that your jug has been close to empty for years, so you are right to look after your own health and wellbeing as well as your dd's.

I wish I had some practical advice for you, but I can only offer my supportive thoughts.