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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Care order for 17 year old?????

124 replies

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 00:54

Dear mums... I could really use some help here, especially if any are well-versed in the law. Plus, I want a mum's perspective.

DD turned 17 back in February. A few days ago DD and I had a bit of an alchol-fueled argument over her marks and she left.

After bombarding her with calls, come to find out, she's been staying with a former friend of mine's who is a bit over a year younger than me (I'm 35). They first met when she was almost 16, and several months later I noticed they both often would talk about each other unprovoked. She's currently not dating a boy around her own age to my knowledge (15-19).

This man in the recent past has gone to Thailand multiple times and boasted to me about all the 17/18 year olds he hooked up with. I know he also does drugs like cocaine and ketamine. Despite the fact she was a 100% legal girl/woman/whatever by the time I found all this out, I immediately cut all ties with this guy and she never saw him again.

Her DM thinks I'm overreacting since she's a "grown adult woman" now, so I'm refusing to even give my ex another second.

I'm extremely concerned about her, but it feels like all legal protections like care orders only apply to under-17's, but "parental responsibility" ends at 18. What responsibilities do I really have over her if I can't even get a care order anymore???? What can I do to bring her home????

Alternatively, should I just let her go and use this as a learning experience like her DM suggests? It seems like most threads I've read on here have issues with teen ages gaps like 15/16/17 or 16/18, but 17 year olds are viewed as adults here.

I was 18 and DM was 16 when she was conceived. I just don't want her to make the same mistakes her parents did, but with a guy about twice her age and who should know better.

  • A petrified dad
OP posts:
FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:09

Well firstly a care order is applied for by the local authority not a parent, but the reason you can't apply for any legal order to control her behaviour is because she's almost an an adult and it would be completely unenforceable. If you are worried about her safety you need to use the power of your relationship with her to support and guide her, not try and use the power of the legal system to try to control her. If you think a crime is being committed you can report it to the police but otherwise I'm not sure how you think obtaining a legal order over a 17 year old could possibly help anything?

ETA what does 'alcohol fuelled argument' mean? What did you do?

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:15

FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:09

Well firstly a care order is applied for by the local authority not a parent, but the reason you can't apply for any legal order to control her behaviour is because she's almost an an adult and it would be completely unenforceable. If you are worried about her safety you need to use the power of your relationship with her to support and guide her, not try and use the power of the legal system to try to control her. If you think a crime is being committed you can report it to the police but otherwise I'm not sure how you think obtaining a legal order over a 17 year old could possibly help anything?

ETA what does 'alcohol fuelled argument' mean? What did you do?

Edited

I guess my logic was that if the authority can provide a care order for a 16 year old, why not a 17 year old? 16 is almost an adult too and can pay taxes, needs a DBS check like a 40 year old, etc...

What is really illegal when it comes to a 17 year old? I can't think of anything, so maybe I just need to let her go.

EDIT - I had a few too many drinks last Friday night and lost it with her over her marks. She stormed out and I haven't heard from her since. She's in A Levels at the moment.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:24

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:15

I guess my logic was that if the authority can provide a care order for a 16 year old, why not a 17 year old? 16 is almost an adult too and can pay taxes, needs a DBS check like a 40 year old, etc...

What is really illegal when it comes to a 17 year old? I can't think of anything, so maybe I just need to let her go.

EDIT - I had a few too many drinks last Friday night and lost it with her over her marks. She stormed out and I haven't heard from her since. She's in A Levels at the moment.

Edited
Show quote history

If the local authority has a care order for a child it lasts until they are 18. However private law orders usually expire at 16. I'm not sure why you're even asking about care orders anyway, I think you've misunderstood the purpose of them?
Are you asking why you can't go to court and get an order to force her to come home? Because again, how do you think that could be enforced? Do you think the police would go and drag her home? That's not how private law orders work anyway. The reason they expire before 18 is because they are orders governing the PARENTS' behaviour, not the child.
You need to reflect on your behaviour and the damage you've done to the relationship and trust between you and your daughter, and you need to work out how to repair it. Forget about legal orders.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:24

FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:09

Well firstly a care order is applied for by the local authority not a parent, but the reason you can't apply for any legal order to control her behaviour is because she's almost an an adult and it would be completely unenforceable. If you are worried about her safety you need to use the power of your relationship with her to support and guide her, not try and use the power of the legal system to try to control her. If you think a crime is being committed you can report it to the police but otherwise I'm not sure how you think obtaining a legal order over a 17 year old could possibly help anything?

ETA what does 'alcohol fuelled argument' mean? What did you do?

Edited

I guess I just want to know if I can get her back home through some legal means 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:31

FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:24

If the local authority has a care order for a child it lasts until they are 18. However private law orders usually expire at 16. I'm not sure why you're even asking about care orders anyway, I think you've misunderstood the purpose of them?
Are you asking why you can't go to court and get an order to force her to come home? Because again, how do you think that could be enforced? Do you think the police would go and drag her home? That's not how private law orders work anyway. The reason they expire before 18 is because they are orders governing the PARENTS' behaviour, not the child.
You need to reflect on your behaviour and the damage you've done to the relationship and trust between you and your daughter, and you need to work out how to repair it. Forget about legal orders.

Show quote history

So should I let her use this as a learning experience?

This would be the first man she has ever been with, since the first guy she wanted to date was a 16 or 17 year old in yr12 when she was in yr11 and a couple months before her 16th, but I beat him up in front of her to get him away.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:33

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:24

I guess I just want to know if I can get her back home through some legal means 😕

Show quote history

You can't.

FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:34

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:31

So should I let her use this as a learning experience?

This would be the first man she has ever been with, since the first guy she wanted to date was a 16 or 17 year old in yr12 when she was in yr11 and a couple months before her 16th, but I beat him up in front of her to get him away.

Edited
Show quote history

There is a big gap between doing nothing and dragging her out of the house. As I said, you need to work out how to repair the relationship yourself. You screwed up, you need to fix it.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 05:36

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:31

So should I let her use this as a learning experience?

This would be the first man she has ever been with, since the first guy she wanted to date was a 16 or 17 year old in yr12 when she was in yr11 and a couple months before her 16th, but I beat him up in front of her to get him away.

Edited
Show quote history

Ok this is a wind up isn't it ? Nobody behaves like this the real world.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:37

FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:34

There is a big gap between doing nothing and dragging her out of the house. As I said, you need to work out how to repair the relationship yourself. You screwed up, you need to fix it.

Show quote history

Well, beating up that yr12 guy sure would be easier than beating up my former friend around my age 😅

OP posts:
HuskyNew · 29/04/2025 05:38

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:31

So should I let her use this as a learning experience?

This would be the first man she has ever been with, since the first guy she wanted to date was a 16 or 17 year old in yr12 when she was in yr11 and a couple months before her 16th, but I beat him up in front of her to get him away.

Edited
Show quote history

Is this a wind up?

You drunkenly start arguments with her and beat up teenage boys?
I can see why she’d want to get away. And why she’s got daddy issues & probably go to someone older.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:38

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 05:36

Ok this is a wind up isn't it ? Nobody behaves like this the real world.

Show quote history

Why do you think this is a wind up. The current situation is legal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:40

HuskyNew · 29/04/2025 05:38

Is this a wind up?

You drunkenly start arguments with her and beat up teenage boys?
I can see why she’d want to get away. And why she’s got daddy issues & probably go to someone older.

Show quote history

They aren't boys by yr12. It's always a fair fight

OP posts:
theonlyonestillawake · 29/04/2025 05:40

You got drunk and lost it with her?
You beat a teenager up because he wanted to date your daughter?
She needs protecting from you. It is no wonder she has left.

I honestly don't think she's in the right place with a much older man, but nor do I think the right place for her is in your "care".

I hope she gets the support she needs

FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:40

Ok, reported

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:42

theonlyonestillawake · 29/04/2025 05:40

You got drunk and lost it with her?
You beat a teenager up because he wanted to date your daughter?
She needs protecting from you. It is no wonder she has left.

I honestly don't think she's in the right place with a much older man, but nor do I think the right place for her is in your "care".

I hope she gets the support she needs

Yeah I beat him up since I wanted her to wait another 2 months. Plus, 16/17 is an adult man, and I'm sure many here would have done the same with that age gap.

OP posts:
Phoebepeeby · 29/04/2025 05:47

You sound lovely! Beating up boys and fighting with your daughter.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:51

Phoebepeeby · 29/04/2025 05:47

You sound lovely! Beating up boys and fighting with your daughter.

I was wrong for the behaviour on Friday, but wouldn't you do the same if your 15 yo DD was dating a man 1-2 years older than her?

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 05:53

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:42

Yeah I beat him up since I wanted her to wait another 2 months. Plus, 16/17 is an adult man, and I'm sure many here would have done the same with that age gap.

Edited
Show quote history

Er no because :
a) most people are not savages
b) This site is overwhelmingly female

As another poster has said if this is the way you behave no wonder she wanted to get away. I just hope your friend / her new boyfriend behaves better.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 05:54

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:51

I was wrong for the behaviour on Friday, but wouldn't you do the same if your 15 yo DD was dating a man 1-2 years older than her?

Show quote history

Teenagers have relationships all the time. Grown men assault boys very rerely, so on that basis no most people would do the same.

Tenofcups · 29/04/2025 05:57

you could refer yourself to social services and explain the above. If your daughter is at this man’s house because she doesn’t feel safe at home the local authority might decide to accommodate her under s20. So it wouldn’t bring her home but it would get her out of an unsafe environment.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:57

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 05:54

Teenagers have relationships all the time. Grown men assault boys very rerely, so on that basis no most people would do the same.

Show quote history

She was still technically 15 though.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:59

Tenofcups · 29/04/2025 05:57

you could refer yourself to social services and explain the above. If your daughter is at this man’s house because she doesn’t feel safe at home the local authority might decide to accommodate her under s20. So it wouldn’t bring her home but it would get her out of an unsafe environment.

If she wants to stay there then how are the local authority going to accommodate her?

Phoebepeeby · 29/04/2025 06:00

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:51

I was wrong for the behaviour on Friday, but wouldn't you do the same if your 15 yo DD was dating a man 1-2 years older than her?

Show quote history

Nope, because I’m not violent.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 06:05

Tenofcups · 29/04/2025 05:57

you could refer yourself to social services and explain the above. If your daughter is at this man’s house because she doesn’t feel safe at home the local authority might decide to accommodate her under s20. So it wouldn’t bring her home but it would get her out of an unsafe environment.

You're right. I don't think I can handle her here and DM isn't much in tne picture anymore. Maybe I'm taking trauma from when I was 17 out on her (older male teacher in changing room - 100% legal in 2006).

With the interim care order out of the picture at her age, will there be any difficulties providing her safe accommodations? She doesn't turn 18 for 10 months.

I'm looking here: https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/section-20-accomodation/

Section 20 accommodation - childlawadvice.org.uk

This page provides information on the duties of the Local Authority to provide accommodation to children under the age of 16. It includes information of how the Local Authority will assess a child and the types of accommodation that can be provided.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/section-20-accomodation

OP posts:
Tenofcups · 29/04/2025 06:07

FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 05:59

If she wants to stay there then how are the local authority going to accommodate her?

Show quote history

we don’t know why she’s staying there and social workers would obviously conduct an assessment .