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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Care order for 17 year old?????

124 replies

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 00:54

Dear mums... I could really use some help here, especially if any are well-versed in the law. Plus, I want a mum's perspective.

DD turned 17 back in February. A few days ago DD and I had a bit of an alchol-fueled argument over her marks and she left.

After bombarding her with calls, come to find out, she's been staying with a former friend of mine's who is a bit over a year younger than me (I'm 35). They first met when she was almost 16, and several months later I noticed they both often would talk about each other unprovoked. She's currently not dating a boy around her own age to my knowledge (15-19).

This man in the recent past has gone to Thailand multiple times and boasted to me about all the 17/18 year olds he hooked up with. I know he also does drugs like cocaine and ketamine. Despite the fact she was a 100% legal girl/woman/whatever by the time I found all this out, I immediately cut all ties with this guy and she never saw him again.

Her DM thinks I'm overreacting since she's a "grown adult woman" now, so I'm refusing to even give my ex another second.

I'm extremely concerned about her, but it feels like all legal protections like care orders only apply to under-17's, but "parental responsibility" ends at 18. What responsibilities do I really have over her if I can't even get a care order anymore???? What can I do to bring her home????

Alternatively, should I just let her go and use this as a learning experience like her DM suggests? It seems like most threads I've read on here have issues with teen ages gaps like 15/16/17 or 16/18, but 17 year olds are viewed as adults here.

I was 18 and DM was 16 when she was conceived. I just don't want her to make the same mistakes her parents did, but with a guy about twice her age and who should know better.

  • A petrified dad
OP posts:
Tenofcups · 29/04/2025 06:10

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 06:05

You're right. I don't think I can handle her here and DM isn't much in tne picture anymore. Maybe I'm taking trauma from when I was 17 out on her (older male teacher in changing room - 100% legal in 2006).

With the interim care order out of the picture at her age, will there be any difficulties providing her safe accommodations? She doesn't turn 18 for 10 months.

I'm looking here: https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/section-20-accomodation/

Show quote history

The social worker will speak to you and her and see whether s20 is appropriate and take it from there. When she’s 18 she can approach the council for accommodation if she wants to. I think it’s good you recognise you both might need a bit of support.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 06:11

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 05:54

Teenagers have relationships all the time. Grown men assault boys very rerely, so on that basis no most people would do the same.

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Morning thumbs, should be rarely and most people would not do the same. But I think mst people got the gist.

Feelingmuchbetter · 29/04/2025 06:13

Oops I have taken a wrong turn and fallen into a set from Eastenders! Yay 😑

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 06:14

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 06:11

Morning thumbs, should be rarely and most people would not do the same. But I think mst people got the gist.

Show quote history

Got the gist of what?

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 06:19

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 06:14

Got the gist of what?

Show quote history

That assaulting 16/17 year old boys is not normal, neither is getting drunk and shouting at an A- level student.

16 & 17 yo have relationships all the time. 30% of girls have had sex before their 16th birthday. Although not ideal it is hardly headline news, a discussion around contraception and consent is more appropriate than getting violent. TBH i am not surprised your daughter's mother is no longer on the scene.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 06:22

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 06:19

That assaulting 16/17 year old boys is not normal, neither is getting drunk and shouting at an A- level student.

16 & 17 yo have relationships all the time. 30% of girls have had sex before their 16th birthday. Although not ideal it is hardly headline news, a discussion around contraception and consent is more appropriate than getting violent. TBH i am not surprised your daughter's mother is no longer on the scene.

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She was about 2-3 months from turning 16 and he was about 17, maybe 16.

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2025 06:26

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 06:22

She was about 2-3 months from turning 16 and he was about 17, maybe 16.

Edited
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Completely normal, assaulting him and getting drunk and shouting at her not normal at all.

theonlyonestillawake · 29/04/2025 06:34

You have caused this by not allowing her to develop age-appropriate relationships with boys her age (or close to her age).

She is now in the home, let's hope not also the bed, of a drug user that has a penchant for teenagers.

By being "overprotective" you have actively put her at harm.

ThePoshUns · 29/04/2025 06:34

You’re a violent drunk. No wonder your daughter has moved out. Take a look at yourself and your behaviour and sort that out first.

scantbe · 29/04/2025 06:39

This can't be real, surely?

I don't doubt there are men like this, but admitting you beat up children and are abusive to your child while drunk, but are too frightened of someone your own age, is not something bullies usually admit to?

NoviceVillager · 29/04/2025 06:42

What’s your financial situation like? It sounds like you could benefit from counselling to address your violent behaviour. Maybe in the future you could invite your daughter to family counselling to try to build bridges. However you would have needed to do a lot of self reflection before that point (to avoid the risk of hurting your daughter even more). You are not self aware at all, think you’re completely in the right and that violence is normal. This is very worrying.

Starlight7080 · 29/04/2025 06:43

If this is true then I'm surprised you have not been arrested before.
You really need to focus on the damage you and her mum have done . It just sounds like such a awful home life for a young person.
No wonder she has gone to live with an older man. She is probably subconsciously trying to find a father figure who doesn't use violence and alcohol to communicate.
Not that the guy she is staying with sounds any better.

itsmeits · 29/04/2025 07:00

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itsmeits · 29/04/2025 07:02

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 06:22

She was about 2-3 months from turning 16 and he was about 17, maybe 16.

Edited
Show quote history

Says the adult that had sex with a child. You were 18 her mum was 16.

18= adult
16= child

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 07:10

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That was almost 2 years ago when she was a few months from turning 16, unless you consider that "almost an adult".

Amd regarding your other post, her mum was completely legal despite the age gap being similar.

OP posts:
Hdjdb42 · 29/04/2025 07:10

So you've driven her away from dating boys her own age, and towards an older man! She's finding it easier with an older man, beause he has his own place to live in. I think leave her to it. She will come home eventually.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 07:12

theonlyonestillawake · 29/04/2025 06:34

You have caused this by not allowing her to develop age-appropriate relationships with boys her age (or close to her age).

She is now in the home, let's hope not also the bed, of a drug user that has a penchant for teenagers.

By being "overprotective" you have actively put her at harm.

Was that age appropriate though? That's not what I've read.

EDIT - maybe it's my own memories from when I was 17/18 and feeling like a paedo for dating her mum. I don't know.

OP posts:
Sistersistersisters · 29/04/2025 07:15

Based on what you’ve written, she’s probably safer with this other adult than with you.

Disgraceful behaviour.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 29/04/2025 07:15

You are really not coming out of this looking good. How can you go and beat up a teenager like that for any reason? just for liking someone?

17 and 16 together is fine.
Was 18 and 16 fine when you got together?

This guy is 30+ and not fine - but you've lost your DD's trust.

You need to

  1. Focus on your daughter and build bridges with her so she can ask for help when she needs it without wondering if you'll end up in prison for GBH
  2. Listen to her mum, your DW I imagine and ignore the 30+ ex friend - he's a red herring and a life lesson for both you and your DD
  3. Go for anger management classes
SapporoBaby · 29/04/2025 07:16

Why did you think a teenage boy age 17 was a ‘man’ you could beat up but you don’t think a 17yo girl is a woman?

You think you can assault a boy the same age as your child now and it’s fair and two men fighting but she should be legally forced back into your care?

Talk about hypocrisy

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 07:18

HereForTheFreeLunch · 29/04/2025 07:15

You are really not coming out of this looking good. How can you go and beat up a teenager like that for any reason? just for liking someone?

17 and 16 together is fine.
Was 18 and 16 fine when you got together?

This guy is 30+ and not fine - but you've lost your DD's trust.

You need to

  1. Focus on your daughter and build bridges with her so she can ask for help when she needs it without wondering if you'll end up in prison for GBH
  2. Listen to her mum, your DW I imagine and ignore the 30+ ex friend - he's a red herring and a life lesson for both you and your DD
  3. Go for anger management classes
Edited

She was still 15 but a few months from turning 16. Maybe it was my own self-hatred from that time coming through.

OP posts:
SapporoBaby · 29/04/2025 07:19

Also I hope you realise that you’ve caused this.

Your daughter does not feel safe with you.

She can’t date/ feel safe with a boy her age as you will violently assault them.

You are too intimidated to harm a friend your own age though… therefore she is safe from you with this man (in her mind). He’s the only one who can scare you away.

Your actions have done this. Your choices. You drove her into his arms with your drunkenness and violence.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 07:21

Hdjdb42 · 29/04/2025 07:10

So you've driven her away from dating boys her own age, and towards an older man! She's finding it easier with an older man, beause he has his own place to live in. I think leave her to it. She will come home eventually.

They weren't the same age though, and I wanted her to wait a few months for her 16th birthday.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 29/04/2025 07:21

This reply has been deleted

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itsmeits · 29/04/2025 07:23

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 07:10

That was almost 2 years ago when she was a few months from turning 16, unless you consider that "almost an adult".

Amd regarding your other post, her mum was completely legal despite the age gap being similar.

Show quote history

So she has had a conversation with BF at the time decided its right for them. Spoke to a trusted adult for advice, who then beat the BF up.
Way to go on keeping trust.
And as you just put it she is legal now so nothing to do with you, who she is doing.