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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Care order for 17 year old?????

124 replies

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 00:54

Dear mums... I could really use some help here, especially if any are well-versed in the law. Plus, I want a mum's perspective.

DD turned 17 back in February. A few days ago DD and I had a bit of an alchol-fueled argument over her marks and she left.

After bombarding her with calls, come to find out, she's been staying with a former friend of mine's who is a bit over a year younger than me (I'm 35). They first met when she was almost 16, and several months later I noticed they both often would talk about each other unprovoked. She's currently not dating a boy around her own age to my knowledge (15-19).

This man in the recent past has gone to Thailand multiple times and boasted to me about all the 17/18 year olds he hooked up with. I know he also does drugs like cocaine and ketamine. Despite the fact she was a 100% legal girl/woman/whatever by the time I found all this out, I immediately cut all ties with this guy and she never saw him again.

Her DM thinks I'm overreacting since she's a "grown adult woman" now, so I'm refusing to even give my ex another second.

I'm extremely concerned about her, but it feels like all legal protections like care orders only apply to under-17's, but "parental responsibility" ends at 18. What responsibilities do I really have over her if I can't even get a care order anymore???? What can I do to bring her home????

Alternatively, should I just let her go and use this as a learning experience like her DM suggests? It seems like most threads I've read on here have issues with teen ages gaps like 15/16/17 or 16/18, but 17 year olds are viewed as adults here.

I was 18 and DM was 16 when she was conceived. I just don't want her to make the same mistakes her parents did, but with a guy about twice her age and who should know better.

  • A petrified dad
OP posts:
SapporoBaby · 29/04/2025 07:28

15 and 16/17 is perfectly appropriate. They are still at school and still under 18 and within a year of two of each other.

Especially as she was almost 16. It was completely appropriate.

Again. You caused this. Go and apologise to your daughter for drunkenly screaming at her and ask her nicely to come home. Offer to get her a take away and promise you’ll drink less and treat her better.

minnienono · 29/04/2025 07:28

You can approach the police if you believe this man has been involved in travelling overseas to engage in underage sex but you would need some sort of evidence I suspect, worth calling the non emergency line to discuss potentially. Alternatively child social services who are still able to intervene technically until 18, however if they believe she has not be coerced or groomed they will not take action as she’s over the age of consent

Keepingthingsinteresting · 29/04/2025 07:29

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:31

So should I let her use this as a learning experience?

This would be the first man she has ever been with, since the first guy she wanted to date was a 16 or 17 year old in yr12 when she was in yr11 and a couple months before her 16th, but I beat him up in front of her to get him away.

Edited
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You bet up a 16/17 yr old she liked in front of her so she wouldn’t go out with him. If she has questionable judgement I wonder who she inherited it from!

You sound worried, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve built the kind of relationship where she will take your advice, so you are trying to drag her back legally. All that will do is fuck up any relationship you have beyond repair.
Try changing your attitude and being support, but you have to accept it may be too late.

Theroadt · 29/04/2025 07:38

Frankly I’m as concerned about the “alcohol fuelled argument over her marks”. Sounds like there’s a bigger backstory here, but that’s quite an abusive situationnyou’ve created from the sound of it

TropicofCapricorn · 29/04/2025 07:42

You're violent and drunk in front of your daughter?

No wonder she's running off to other men.

Mumofteenandtween · 29/04/2025 07:42

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 07:10

That was almost 2 years ago when she was a few months from turning 16, unless you consider that "almost an adult".

Amd regarding your other post, her mum was completely legal despite the age gap being similar.

Show quote history

No. The other poster is pointing out that she is now older than the boy you beat up was. If he was old enough to be on the receiving end of a man in his 30s fists then she is old enough to be on the receiving end of other parts of the anatomy of a man in his 30s. And probably his fists as well - violent people are generally friends with each other and he was your friend after all.

You caused this. You have almost certainly ruined her life. Poor girl.

TropicofCapricorn · 29/04/2025 07:44

Some how a 17 year old lad is an "adult man" that can legitimately be in a fist fight with a 30+ year old
..but a 17 year old girl is a child and needs to be at home...?

OP you sound awful.

SipandClean · 29/04/2025 07:46

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:31

So should I let her use this as a learning experience?

This would be the first man she has ever been with, since the first guy she wanted to date was a 16 or 17 year old in yr12 when she was in yr11 and a couple months before her 16th, but I beat him up in front of her to get him away.

Edited
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You sound awful. Her mum doesn’t sound much better. Neither of you come across as good parents. Drinking too much and beating boys up? She’s probably better off away from you.

Frequency · 29/04/2025 07:51

Poor kid.

Her choices appear to be a neglectful mother, a violent, abusive drunk with the maturity of a gnat, or a child predator.

That being said, I know 17-year-olds who are in care, and their situation doesn't appear to be much better than your daughter's.

I'd recommend apologising to her and promising (and following through) to get help for your drinking and temper. You might not get her back straight away, you will need to prove yourself, but atm you're not much of a better option than the child predator.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 29/04/2025 08:02

I ended up being with a man 17 years older than me. I know for an absolute fact that I wouldn't have made that choice if I had a good relationship with my dad.

Something to consider.

Start laying the foundations now and working on your relationship. Me someone safe, reliable and trustworthy. Show her how she should be treated.

Men so often look for others to solve the problem or someone else to blame when they are the cause of the issue.

Nominative · 29/04/2025 08:08

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:57

She was still technically 15 though.

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And males aged 16-17 are still technically children. It's totally normal for a girl of that age to have a boyfriend a year or two older. I'm surprised your daughter didn't walk out after that incident.

Heylittlesongbird · 29/04/2025 08:54

Poor girl, she doesn’t really stand a chance.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 17:22

Mumofteenandtween · 29/04/2025 07:42

No. The other poster is pointing out that she is now older than the boy you beat up was. If he was old enough to be on the receiving end of a man in his 30s fists then she is old enough to be on the receiving end of other parts of the anatomy of a man in his 30s. And probably his fists as well - violent people are generally friends with each other and he was your friend after all.

You caused this. You have almost certainly ruined her life. Poor girl.

Show quote history

She's probably the same age now as he was in late 2023 when the incident happened. All I knew was that that he was in yr12 like she is in now.

I've told her before to wait until she was of age but she disobeyed me. So, him being an "adult" I took it out on him. After her 16th I let her date but she never seemed interested.

Idk... maybe being his age in the 2000s warped my perspective. It was quite common and completely legal for teachers and other adults well into their 30s to have sex with young men when they were 16 or 17, which was what happened to me in 2006. It wasn't until I was in uni when I started questioning if it was right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 17:27

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 29/04/2025 08:02

I ended up being with a man 17 years older than me. I know for an absolute fact that I wouldn't have made that choice if I had a good relationship with my dad.

Something to consider.

Start laying the foundations now and working on your relationship. Me someone safe, reliable and trustworthy. Show her how she should be treated.

Men so often look for others to solve the problem or someone else to blame when they are the cause of the issue.

Assuming I don't get let go from my job in the next several months (I work in aerospace), I'm first going to try to set up counseling for both of us.

I think I'm taking out my baggage from that period of my life on her and her schoolmates. I've never spoken to many people about this, but if I don't get my own mental state in order I don't see how I can build trust with her again...

OP posts:
titchy · 29/04/2025 17:31

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:31

So should I let her use this as a learning experience?

This would be the first man she has ever been with, since the first guy she wanted to date was a 16 or 17 year old in yr12 when she was in yr11 and a couple months before her 16th, but I beat him up in front of her to get him away.

Edited
Show quote history

You’ve jumped the shark there I’m afraid…

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 17:37

titchy · 29/04/2025 17:31

You’ve jumped the shark there I’m afraid…

Show quote history

It would have been illegal though. In hindsight I was an idiot and taking out my own trauma from when I was his age on him.

OP posts:
titchy · 29/04/2025 17:37

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 17:22

She's probably the same age now as he was in late 2023 when the incident happened. All I knew was that that he was in yr12 like she is in now.

I've told her before to wait until she was of age but she disobeyed me. So, him being an "adult" I took it out on him. After her 16th I let her date but she never seemed interested.

Idk... maybe being his age in the 2000s warped my perspective. It was quite common and completely legal for teachers and other adults well into their 30s to have sex with young men when they were 16 or 17, which was what happened to me in 2006. It wasn't until I was in uni when I started questioning if it was right.

Show quote history

🤣

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 17:38

titchy · 29/04/2025 17:37

🤣

Show quote history

Why is this funny?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 17:53

Nominative · 29/04/2025 08:08

And males aged 16-17 are still technically children. It's totally normal for a girl of that age to have a boyfriend a year or two older. I'm surprised your daughter didn't walk out after that incident.

Show quote history

She was 15 so she couldn't have. Like I said earlier, I had a similar age gap with her mum at the time but I was convinced I was a paedo because of it. There's still baggage from that period and I'm taking it out on her 😔

OP posts:
TheGrimSmile · 29/04/2025 18:00

This can't be real. But on the off chance that it is. YOU are the problem. Get therapy.

ThesebeautifulthingsthatIvegot · 29/04/2025 18:22

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 17:37

It would have been illegal though. In hindsight I was an idiot and taking out my own trauma from when I was his age on him.

Show quote history

It was also illegal when you assaulted him.

It is positive that you're accepting that your actions have been completely inappropriate. You definitely need therapy.

Original poster
Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 18:35

ThesebeautifulthingsthatIvegot · 29/04/2025 18:22

It was also illegal when you assaulted him.

It is positive that you're accepting that your actions have been completely inappropriate. You definitely need therapy.

Show quote history

He could have also been assaulted in prison or by vigilantes.

OP posts:
TimeForABreak4 · 29/04/2025 18:50

My 15 yo is dating a 17 yo. No we haven't beat him him up. Instead we have been kind to him, welcomed him in to our home and guess what she's still with him not an older man and has a good trusting relationship with us. You have really messed up. Also, why are you getting drunk and giving her abuse?

Can you not see it's you and her mums behaviour and lack of proper nurturing, that's made her vulnerable and now pushed her towards someone she definitely shouldn't be with!

TimeForABreak4 · 29/04/2025 18:51

If you want her to come home you need to analyse your own behaviour and message her a heartfelt apology for the way you have treated her and her then boyfriend. You need to make her home a safe, comfortable space to be so she'd rather be there than with this drugged up mate of yours. Hopefully it's not too late and she comes home.

Also stop getting drunk around her if you can't control yourself and lash out at her. Discussions around school marks and anything of importance should be done in a calm manner when you are both in the right head space.

itsmeits · 29/04/2025 19:26

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 18:35

He could have also been assaulted in prison or by vigilantes.

Show quote history

He could have died from a single punch from you.
You could have been attacked in prison, after getting locked up for assault on a minor.
He could have had a long happy healthy relationship, with your daughter.

For all if buts and maybes we'd all be Kings and Queens.

Instead she has found a man, not a boy. She probably feels you are less likely to attack a grown man rather than a young man.

You need to work on your temper and realise she is her own person. If she decides to go NC you will only have you to blame.

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