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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD13 is unparentable!

107 replies

Xmasxrackers · 21/02/2025 11:16

Please help! Im honestly at my wits end!!!!

My DD is just unparentable! She doesn’t care about anything, she is just vile to me and her brothers (3 and 8).

She started high school in September after coming from a small primary school and is only just making some proper friendships, and mum died 2 years ago which they were really close so I can only assume these things have contributed (her school have given her counselling and bereavement therapy).

Shes dirty and doesn’t care about her personal hygiene, she steals from me and her dad, if she misbehaves she does not care about being punished and basically does what she wants. If there’s only me and the boys in the house she spends the whole time screaming and shouting, throwing things, calling me vile names etc. if I say no to her. I have a DH who she wouldn’t say boo to a goose to, and she has her dad who doesn’t believe me at all. I have suspected ADHD and she is in the process of being referred. I’m at a loss. I can’t parent her effectively because she doesn’t listen or care about anything boundaries I put in place. I have tried the nicey nicey approach and took all her chores off her in case she was just stressed but mostly because she wasn’t doing them anyway. This behaviour has been there since before my mum was even poorly but it has escalated to a point where I just can’t. Anyone out there in the same position who can advise? Her dad will not entertain having her any more so I can have a break

OP posts:
Dror · 21/02/2025 11:18

Whose mother died, the child's, or her grandmother? Edited to add
It sounds like it was her grandmother who died?
Her father isn't interested in her and she lives with you and her stepfather?

user1471538275 · 21/02/2025 11:24

You can parent her and you must. SHe's your first teenager so you don't have the skills and knowledge yet - you need to build them.

It sounds extremely tough but you need to start out with the mindset that you can do this, that it is possible.

Seek out help where you can. The fact she is clashing with you the most is likely to be because you are her closest relationship and she feel safe to do that with you - which makes it hardest for you to manage.

Some useful advice below:

https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/parenting-teenagers
https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/2022/03/10/ten-tips-to-support-your-teenager-with-adhd/

BigSilly · 21/02/2025 11:26

Well she isn't unparentable if your dh and ex manage it.
She does sound unhappy. Her hormones are in a whirl, she probably doesn't know herself why she is acting like this.

twistyizzy · 21/02/2025 11:31

I had a horrific time as a teen and now understand it was due to hormones + undiagnosed ADHD (diagnosed few years ago at 45 yrs old).
She sounds incredibly unhappy and you are the adult in this scenario but would recommend you possibly get some outside help. Would she see a therapist? Joint and individual therapy could help you both find common ground.

BallerinaFall · 21/02/2025 11:45

Look into pmdd, asd, demand avoidance, and see if any of that can help

Seeline · 21/02/2025 11:56

How long since you split up with her Dad and how long have you been living with her step Dad? Are her siblings step siblings?
When did the behaviour start?

Nousernameforme · 21/02/2025 12:13

I wrote a whole thing about dealing with anxiety and behaviour in teens but then I twigged that you said she's cautious with her step father angry with you and deliberately avoiding taking care of her personal hygiene. Personally the first thing I would do is think about whether there is a possibility of sexual abuse and maybe get some help from school regarding how to approach this with her.

Original poster
Xmasxrackers · 21/02/2025 15:24

Seeline · 21/02/2025 11:56

How long since you split up with her Dad and how long have you been living with her step Dad? Are her siblings step siblings?
When did the behaviour start?

Before she was born to both. DH has bought her up as his own. The behaviours started around age 8. She began being destructive, breaking things, stealing around then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xmasxrackers · 21/02/2025 15:26

Nousernameforme · 21/02/2025 12:13

I wrote a whole thing about dealing with anxiety and behaviour in teens but then I twigged that you said she's cautious with her step father angry with you and deliberately avoiding taking care of her personal hygiene. Personally the first thing I would do is think about whether there is a possibility of sexual abuse and maybe get some help from school regarding how to approach this with her.

Absolutely not the case. I wfh and so she is never alone with DH. And even if I didn’t, I would have no qualms about leaving her in his care, as I have many times before. He has been her only steady male influence since she was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xmasxrackers · 21/02/2025 15:27

She currently sees a counsellor at school and we have had joint counselling when she was at primary

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 21/02/2025 15:31

Jealous of her younger siblings?
Sounds like severe sibling rivalry/ jealousy

oakleaffy · 21/02/2025 15:36

Any possible Sexual abuse from an older child ( your friend’s children) or adult?

Original poster
Xmasxrackers · 21/02/2025 15:43

oakleaffy · 21/02/2025 15:31

Jealous of her younger siblings?
Sounds like severe sibling rivalry/ jealousy

I do think there’s a bit of this too x

i just want my daughter back

OP posts:
Original poster
Xmasxrackers · 21/02/2025 15:45

oakleaffy · 21/02/2025 15:36

Any possible Sexual abuse from an older child ( your friend’s children) or adult?

I have asked her but no nothing. She’s quite open when something happens x

OP posts:
Devon24 · 21/02/2025 15:58

You have to be firm and steady.
No screen time or privileges whatsoever if she is rude or throws something. Coupled with extra affection and attention when she is behaving well.

prioritise her as much as you can if sibling rivalry is causing this.

ShaunaSadeki · 21/02/2025 15:58

My DD is similar although not as extreme and I have parented teenagers before. I also suspect neurodiversity. She is much worse with me than anyone else, but I think that is due to me being her safe space. It is very wearing and is affecting my mental health. I don’t have any advice l, just offering solidarity.

We let a lot slide as otherwise every interaction could end up being negative and she has started self harming, which is heartbreaking. But we have red lines that we won’t overlook, swearing at us for example.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 21/02/2025 15:59

Within the first few seconds of reading I knew your daughter would have additional struggles related to being Neurodivergent. Other factors of course will exacerbate things. She's ND and I know because I know another mum like myself when I see one.

She needs to be assessed for autism ( even if you think she isn't autistic, believe me, the two often fly together ( ADHD and Autism). I wonder if the ADHD assessment you're waiting for can be expanded?

Knowing what she has going on is so important I can't stress this enough. The biological dad is in denial, is it because he can't see anything different in her and is himself possibly also ND. This dynamic is so unbelievably common, had it myself. Ex even went out his way to block assessment for my son. I paid in the end. It was incredibly helpful with a report I have now that helps with alot ( included all the hell with school and non stop detentions). It cost £2k. Is this anything you might be able to afford.

You can't access ADHD meds without a diagnosis.

School will probably gaslight you, the professionals will too, your ex already is.

Is he actually having his daughter in his care,? Is he paying maintenance if not to help you here?

She might be very manipulative so it's possible others don't see what you do.

It's possible other things are going on here beyond ND but that's making everything ten times harder for you.

When the school refusal then school fine threats start - you will need back up with reports etc. This investment if you can afford is critical.

Have a look on FB at PDA parents. PDA is a type of autism. It's very challenging to parent. You'll see if it resonates if you look into it.

Don't allow other people to make you doubt what you're already thinking. I promise you they all will. It's cheaper and easier to blame mum.

ShaunaSadeki · 21/02/2025 16:13

@Wishyouwerehere50 PDA is exactly what I think my DD has. She thinks she is ADHD, school think I’m making it up!

Wishyouwerehere50 · 21/02/2025 16:16

ShaunaSadeki · 21/02/2025 16:13

@Wishyouwerehere50 PDA is exactly what I think my DD has. She thinks she is ADHD, school think I’m making it up!

The school probably don't even know what PDA is. And they won't care to find out. They're already struggling with all these kids in mainstream so are just going to ignore it, gaslight you and probably discipline them out the school eventually.

You need an assessment and diagnosis 🙏. The school didn't help me either. Ex blocked me so NHS refused to assess.

My only way was private. That report is validation and more. Gaslighting is now futile in my case.

Em1ly2023 · 21/02/2025 16:16

user1471538275 · 21/02/2025 11:24

You can parent her and you must. SHe's your first teenager so you don't have the skills and knowledge yet - you need to build them.

It sounds extremely tough but you need to start out with the mindset that you can do this, that it is possible.

Seek out help where you can. The fact she is clashing with you the most is likely to be because you are her closest relationship and she feel safe to do that with you - which makes it hardest for you to manage.

Some useful advice below:

https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/parenting-teenagers
https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/2022/03/10/ten-tips-to-support-your-teenager-with-adhd/

💯 this! Even if you have to get some counselling / support yourself to help you do this. You can’t give up on her, although it’s so flipping hard sometimes, have been there 💐

Onlynavy · 23/02/2025 08:22

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=waeRP6jzW_U

I recently did a therapeutic thinking course and part of the course material was this video. It’s a powerfully insightful watch. It might help you.

Sorry for what you’re going through - the teenage years are tough.

CosyLemur · 23/02/2025 08:42

Honestly as someone with ADHD and autism who's also the parent of 2 teens with ADHD and autism -: it doesn't sound like it's that.
The behaviour wouldn't be person specific it would be all the time at home.
Stealing isn't caused by ADHD or autism either, that's caused by someone who needs money for something they can't ask you for - vapes, alcohol etc.
You've admitted you've given up by saying she's unparentable; you've given her the power you need to get it back! Give her back the chores, take away her phone, TV etc and let her scream and tantrum about it if she wants to but don't give them back until she's earned them!

hufflepuffbutrequestinggriffindor · 23/02/2025 08:43

You're doing the right thing which counselling through school but a lot of what you are saying is raising concern. I would not doubt the opinions of the school, she is more than likely displaying the same behaviour there. Definitely look into Autism and ADHD and get the process of possible diagnosis started now. I know a few have also mentioned sexual abuse however as a teacher, we are taught that being dirty /refusing to clean and making yourself as unpleasant as possible is a sign of abuse. Does she access social media? Could anyone have groomed her or being grooming her? If she does have autism/ADHD she will be a more at risk young person for this. Behaviour is communication at this age.

Patterncarmen · 23/02/2025 08:45

hufflepuffbutrequestinggriffindor · 23/02/2025 08:43

You're doing the right thing which counselling through school but a lot of what you are saying is raising concern. I would not doubt the opinions of the school, she is more than likely displaying the same behaviour there. Definitely look into Autism and ADHD and get the process of possible diagnosis started now. I know a few have also mentioned sexual abuse however as a teacher, we are taught that being dirty /refusing to clean and making yourself as unpleasant as possible is a sign of abuse. Does she access social media? Could anyone have groomed her or being grooming her? If she does have autism/ADHD she will be a more at risk young person for this. Behaviour is communication at this age.

I’d agree with this. Get her psychologically assessed. The behaviour is some kind of trauma coming out or neurodiversity. She’s have problems since the age of eight, and it is important she gets sustained therapeutic help or it will get worse.

Horsemadlady1234 · 23/02/2025 08:45

Ask the school to open an early help this will get you the support you need.