DD13 is unparentable!

[Xmasxrackers]

Please help! Im honestly at my wits end!!!!

My DD is just unparentable! She doesn’t care about anything, she is just vile to me and her brothers (3 and 8).

She started high school in September after coming from a small primary school and is only just making some proper friendships, and mum died 2 years ago which they were really close so I can only assume these things have contributed (her school have given her counselling and bereavement therapy).

Shes dirty and doesn’t care about her personal hygiene, she steals from me and her dad, if she misbehaves she does not care about being punished and basically does what she wants. If there’s only me and the boys in the house she spends the whole time screaming and shouting, throwing things, calling me vile names etc. if I say no to her. I have a DH who she wouldn’t say boo to a goose to, and she has her dad who doesn’t believe me at all. I have suspected ADHD and she is in the process of being referred. I’m at a loss. I can’t parent her effectively because she doesn’t listen or care about anything boundaries I put in place. I have tried the nicey nicey approach and took all her chores off her in case she was just stressed but mostly because she wasn’t doing them anyway. This behaviour has been there since before my mum was even poorly but it has escalated to a point where I just can’t. Anyone out there in the same position who can advise? Her dad will not entertain having her any more so I can have a break

There's definitely something she cares about that you can use as leverage. Probably a mobile phone.

She's not unpatentable if she won't say boo to a goose to your husband and her dad doesn't believe you I think she just pushes your buttons and you are burned out and have given up

You need to be firm with her and follow through with punishment

If she's stealing continuously from you

Ring the police get them to put the fear of god in to her
If her personal hygiene is bad there's not much you can do other than remind her at some points into her friends will notice and pull away and other people will pick on he and you can't help her with this if she doesn't make the effort herself maybe take her out 1:1 with you to buy some really nice shower gel and shampoo

It sounds like she's a very sad angry child and she's probably feeling pushed out and upset especially if you don't spend any time alone with her

As the mother of a teen girl with ADHD I would recommend you pursue this asap. Hormones really heighten symptoms. My daughter has struggled with school and being bullied since Y6 but secondary school much much more.

She may well be making at school and letting all out at home. Reduce shouting at her, regulate your self. If she starts to meltdown, step away and let her calm down. Pick your battles. We also found that school did not understand or care about her SEN issues and were punishing her for breathing pretty much. Long story but they were useless and we've since moved schools. Things are much better in Y10 though she's lost all confidence in learning and her abilities

If she's not started periods yet keep an eye out, stock up on period pants (wuka are great) and explain that hygiene is essential. If washing and teeth brushing are a sensory issue loo at alternatives (flavoured tooth paste or mouthwash etc). Suggest a pre bed routine of a bath and YouTube. Stop her phone until things are done. I tidy her room as she really struggles but I also have an idea about how she's managing when I do so. Help her organizing her things for school. Bad behaviour is not excused by ADHD but it's usually a symptom of overwhelm

From chatting to friends and family with older kids, the Mum does seem to get the brunt of a teenage girl. Many of my own friends were combative and angry with their Mum through their teen years and have now settled into nice adult relationships. Try to be as low demand as possible but also very clear boundaries and consequences when they are broken. Think about what is a battle worth having. Personal hygiene is already a battle here with DSD9 - she simply knows that a shower, hair wash, teeth brush and deodorant applied are non negotiable and she won’t be leaving the house or having access to anything to do until these things are done.

Why is everyone's first answer on this page neuro diversity?? I really don't think ND is person specific or causes stealing or ignoring and bullying mum and only mum

Its really insulting to people with Nd to just plonk any one who behaves badly in to the ND pot

I’ve been finding the Calm Parenting Podcast very helpful in finding my way with ND teens. Adhd and hormones is a wicked combination.

Have a google about showering and autistic and nd teens and adults. There are so many sensory factors you might not have considered, that even she might not be fully aware of. I had a couple of OT sessions on this with my eldest and it’s a much more complex issue than I realised. Also quite a common one so the it was sensitive, sensible and brilliant.

It's a huge change going to secondary
It's where it all fell apart for me
My parents would of described me as un parentable as well.
You say she's being assessed for ADHD
Have a look at autism,
Samantha craft,the autism checklist in women.
I was pretty horrendous as a teen,I wasn't coping with my parents divorce and new step parents,new step siblings and going between two homes .
Everything was put down to the parents divorce..but I was being bullied badly at school as well
Long story short I was diagnosed autistic age 50.
Hope you manage to get your daughter some help

You wouldn't be handed an aircraft and be told 'pilot that' with no training - yet that's what happens to all parents.

Adolescence plus ADHD plus divorce/split plus new school ... The poor kid. She's probably going through hell. Stop calling her unpatentable. The three adults need to get together, work as a team.

Learn about parenting teen girls. There are books, courses, videos, lots of advice out there. You'll only get bits and pieces out here and a practical structured learning is what's needed.

This is your first attempt at teen parenting. Learn how to do it now because you've got two more lining up next.

So what changed at 8? What happened around that time? What kinds of things does she steal? Why? What was the outcome from the counselling?

Oh the pre teen and teenage years…..honestly they are awful. I’ve 7 children in total, 5 of which are teenagers and a mixture of girls and boys. Girls are so hard well mine are/were.

what I’ve found with mine. Girls usually start puberty earlier than boys which in our house ment the attitude, horribleness etc started in primary school and escalated when starting secondary school. They think they no everything and their life is so unfair and us mums usually get the brunt of it. It’s not so much the parenting or our failings as a parent it’s a mixture of their hormones, life changes and also pushing for independence. But you can’t give up. My girls were/are so much harder initially than my boys but then the girls kinda ‘got’ it earlier than the boys and when they get over this stage are much more reasonable to understand it from our point of views. My eldest is 18 in April and still can be a victim/act like a victim when told simple things like to tidy his room etc 😂.

Only advice is remember the unreasonable toddler stage, when you give them a pink cup the cup they always ask for but suddenly you have a tantrum on your hands because they don’t like pink anymore (since breakfast lol) or they are asserting their independence they have a melt down because you lift them out the car because they can ‘do it’ or don’t wanna hold your hand in a car park 😂 it’s going back to the toddler years with teens and preteens 🙈😂. It’s tough but it’s not personal. Keep boundaries in place but sit down ask them what they would like now they are a little older, and see if you can compromise. Have some 1-2-1 time with her something she would like to do. Start rebuilding your relationship away from everyday life and the hustle and bustle of home life. As for the stealing we had this with some not all. Does she get pocket money? Because I found that helped stop the stealing.

you feel like you are losing her but you are not, it will be ok. My 16 year old girl was bloody awful from roughly 10/11 till 13/14 and now we are best friends she does still have attitude at times but very very infrequent. My 14 year old girl started with the attitude at around 12 and Christ she’s hard work still but she’s getting their slowly and my 13 year old girl is a bit later hitting puberty and Christ she’s like satan at the minute but has been lovely till about 4 weeks ago when the attitude and eye rolling began. Where my 18 year old boy was amazing till 15/16years then he began a bit of an AH 🙈😂 and only starting to see reason at nearly 18.

good luck xx

Your DD is taking her anger out of you because you are her safe person. This seems common with neurodivergent girls and their mothers. It may not feel that way, but it’s a compliment that she feels safe with you!

She might well be masking at her dads and that is why he doesn’t see it. It is not that he is a better parent in any way.

I strongly suggest that you ask for this to be moved to the SEN board, so that you get ill-informed replies that make you feel worse, or well meaning advice about parenting that isn’t actually helpful when supporting a distressed neurodivergent teen.

Hmm, did you miss that fact that the OP is being assessed for ADHD? (Often genetic) and that the DD is being referred?

Reading comprehension fail 😂

I have a child with an ADHD diagnosis and some autism traits and this screams neurodiversity to me as well.

Specifically with the washing thing have you tried:

• Make sure that there is a lock on the bathroom door
• Make sure that there is a selection of towels in the bathroom with different "feels" to them and if she has a favorite keep that one clean and in the bathroom at all times
• Make sure the bathroom is heated
• Have a selection of products including ones with no scent or colour
• Discuss her preferences and support them - does she prefer baths or showers; does she prefer as quick as possible or is it hard to get out once in.
• Does she find it easier if you run the bath/ shower for her? And get her clothes / pajamas ready? If so I would do this for her.
• Is it easier if she uses ear plugs?
• If she likes music would she try a bathroom radio or speaker
• Can she manage water in other circumstances? Does she like the swimming pool? If so swim once a week
• How does she feel about her hair being touched? Can she brush it herself? Can she manage a hair cut? If so would she like short hair to make it easier to care for?
• Is there a compromise that she can cope with better?
• Does she have any specific anxieties around the bath? If so can you do something to support? eg if she hates the plug can you cover it?

Can she go and stay with dad for a bit?

OP - I recommend “Scattered Minds” by Gabor Mate. By following the approaches in that (mainly self regulating in other to co-regulate) my DDs meltdowns decreased from around 30/40 minutes to 10/15 ish, really quickly, and often we ended up avoiding the meltdown completely.

Look at Naomi Fisher’s work and the low-demand approach. She does webinars that are only about £15 each.

Possibly neurodivrgent plus the odd one sibling in your family - which could make her feel like she doesn't fit and could affect her self worth.

She ultimately has two fathers to deal with and she seems to be rejected by her bio dad.

She needs lots of support. It's not going to be easy OP.

I wouldn't send her to Dad if he is rejecting her. You will have to take it on yourself and somehow guide and help her through this period.

For me, when it got unreadable and I was at breaking point I went for counselling and that really helped me identify what was going on and how to deal with it better. DS was already in counselling but that didn’t seem to work. The main things were to not take the bad behaviour personally and try to inject humour into conversations, which would often prevent a meltdown.

I trued to keep calm and parent gently but there was one particular incident that made me so angry (dealing drugs from my mum’s house!) that he realised he had gone too far and I was able to assert strong boundaries. This was a turning point for us and things got gradually better. Until they didn’t, but that’s another story…

Id keep open the door about this, this extreme dysregulation suggests something really difficult is happening for her. Take her out on her own for walks and drives if you can give her room to disclose if she needs to.

I have absolutely no advice but just wanted you to know I hope you find something that works/helps. Parenting my daughter is so much different to my son. I feel out of my depth a lot of the time.

Her dad is moving to Cyprus next year and has told her he wants her to go with him. Apparently this was a few months ago. She has said she absolutely doesn’t want to but doesn’t want to make him feel bad 😞

Thank you for this. I honestly thought being a mum would be the best thing ever and I currently feel very out of my depth

You have said you think she has ADHD and have seen the behaviour for years. You need to look at parenting strategies for neurodivergence. Read, learn and implement. Regular parenting is ineffective in neurodivergent children. You don’t need a diagnosis to put these strategies into place. Look at how ADHD, autism, demand avoidance affect children, especially girls. She isn’t unparentable.

Thank you for this. I’m going to have a chat and see if any of these will help xx

This is exactly it, and in a way I’m glad she can feel like she can let it all out to me, but boy, it’s hard!

If I focus on the things I can’t fix (ie thinking about how I would love to force her to do things my way) I just spiral downward to all the feelings of failure. So sometimes I just ignore the bad as much as I can.