DD13 is unparentable!

[Xmasxrackers]

Please help! Im honestly at my wits end!!!!

My DD is just unparentable! She doesn’t care about anything, she is just vile to me and her brothers (3 and 8).

She started high school in September after coming from a small primary school and is only just making some proper friendships, and mum died 2 years ago which they were really close so I can only assume these things have contributed (her school have given her counselling and bereavement therapy).

Shes dirty and doesn’t care about her personal hygiene, she steals from me and her dad, if she misbehaves she does not care about being punished and basically does what she wants. If there’s only me and the boys in the house she spends the whole time screaming and shouting, throwing things, calling me vile names etc. if I say no to her. I have a DH who she wouldn’t say boo to a goose to, and she has her dad who doesn’t believe me at all. I have suspected ADHD and she is in the process of being referred. I’m at a loss. I can’t parent her effectively because she doesn’t listen or care about anything boundaries I put in place. I have tried the nicey nicey approach and took all her chores off her in case she was just stressed but mostly because she wasn’t doing them anyway. This behaviour has been there since before my mum was even poorly but it has escalated to a point where I just can’t. Anyone out there in the same position who can advise? Her dad will not entertain having her any more so I can have a break

I'm sorry that things are so challenging for you right now
Your daughter sounds very much like mine, my daughter has autism with a PDA peofile, PDA is something that you should definatley research because to me it sounds like it could be a possibility for you too. A great place to start is the PDA society website and watch the webinars for parents, it's really informative and free and there are some Facebook groups for families with children who have PDA worth joining. Here's one I've found useful. https://www.facebook.com/groups/pdasupport/?ref=share

Children with PDA don't respond to traditional parenting techniques. The nature of the disability means that the child needs to have autonomy to feel safe. Being told what to do can be a huge trigger for them and a low demand, partnering approach to parenting can work far better than an authoritive approach. When she's kicking off, shouting and screaming then this could very well be a meltdown and completely out of her control so please do bear that in mind.

I would recommend keeping a diary, keep a note of her behaviour and what triggered any outbursts, this will help you to reflect on how things could have been handled differently and to see if theres any pattern. It will also help to have this information when she manages to get an assessment.

How's school going overall for her? Is she managing to attend? Getting into trouble? Doing anything unusual there? Even if she seems OK in school it may be that is impacting on how she behaves at home. Many neurodivergent children mask at school and explode when they get home.
Google 'the coke bottle effect'

Some additional things you may find useful.
A book called the explosive child by Ross greene.
Dr naomi Fisher on facebook
Kristy forbes autism and nd support on Facebook.
PDA parenting on Facebook.
Christine mcguinness documentary on BBC iplayer my autism and me - all about autism in girls.
Obviously what you've said here is just a snippet of your life, there's obviously so much more you could say I'm hoping what I've said will help. Remember you are her 'safe person' she doesn't have to mask in front of you. You are the one who's in charge and enforces rules which is why you are taking the brunt of the behaviour. She may appear completely compliant in front of other adults which is why they may not see it.

I had no idea my daughter could be autistic and I'd never heard of PDA until my child was 12 and someone said to me that I should look into it, she ticked every box. We were exactly where you are with the behaviour and hygiene etc. She's 16 now and things are better, not perfect but better, we collaborate and choose our battles which helps to keep her as regulated as she can be.
I understand how exhausting life can be, literally treading on eggshells every second of the day so sending huge hugs to you.

The big game changer for us was when we deregistered her from school. School was a massive trigger. She was a very unhappy young lady and she had had instances of self harm in the classroom as well as at home.she was in a very bad place, didn't wash, spent most of her time sat in bed in the dark and was extraordinarily dysregulated and unhappy. We went through a period of school avoidance. CAHMS declined our referral and school were useless, at the time it didn't really feel like we had a choice and it was a horrific time.
Now I look back, I can see that she was in burnout and it took quite a while for her to start to recover from that. We are now in a place where she is well regulated. She looks after herself really well and enjoys life as much as a PDAer can.
Home education has been a complete game changer for us and we've never looked back.

The big game changer for us was when we deregistered her from school. School was a massive trigger. She was a very unhappy young lady and she had had instances of self harm in the classroom as well as at home.she was in a very bad place, didn't wash, spent most of her time sat in bed in the dark and was extraordinarily dysregulated and unhappy. We went through a period of school avoidance. CAHMS declined our referral and school were useless, at the time it didn't really feel like we had a choice and it was a horrific time.
Now I look back, I can see that she was in burnout and it took quite a while for her to start to recover from that. We are now in a place where she is well regulated. She looks after herself really well and enjoys life as much as a PDAer can.
Home education has been a complete game changer for us and we've never looked back.

My son is the same, struggles to attend school but wants to go.. so I completely empathise with you there, does she have an EHCP? Have school put any measures in place to help?
With regards to home ed, there are many parents who home educate around work commitments, Home education can happen at any time, you're not restricted to school hours/weekdays/term times. Lots of PDA children benefit from following an interest led approach to learning so worth bearing in mind in the future if things dont improve and you need to weigh up other options.
It's positive that she's able to get out and socialise with friends, it's probably that the huge list of demands around attending school is far to much for her to cope with.
Parenting a child with PDA is exhausting isn't it? Having to carefully consider each parenting choice before you make it in case everything kicks off 😭

My daughter used to smash things up, lash out physically at me or her siblings, hurt herself and even run off... So hard.

What does your daughter do when she's on her screens? Is it something that helps her regulate? Sensory input? Following special interests? Is there another way you can facilitate any interests away from screens? From experience I know enforcing boundaries around screens can be a challenge.
Could you have a chat with her regarding problems solving around screen time? Rather than making it a rule?
I know it's hard but do try to make sometime for yourself x parental burnout is a thing too x look after yourself.

No ehcp yet. But we will work towards it over the coming months school want to try some adjustments first.

At the moment problem solving together not an option. She is really resistant to me even being in the same room. But am sure with time we will get there.

All is never lost. It's just a puzzling phase to get to grips with. Every day is a learning day here.