Devastated asking an older teen to move out - any words of advice or comfort?

[Worreidmum]

We are nearing the end of the road with DS (just turned 19) being at home and feel it's time to give him an ultimatum with a deadline to shape up or move out.
I'm gutted. I feel like I've failed him as a parent and desperately worried about what will happen to him not to mention panic about the practicalities of him being out in the world alone😢

I'm really hoping this ultimatum will shock him into action: he'll get a FT job and save up to go travelling as was his plan post school or find a training course, but, based on current behaviour there's a strong chance nothing will change & we have to follow through.

He spends most of his time in bed or getting wasted. He's rude & verbally aggressive and does absolutely nothing to contribute to the household without a major row. His room stinks of weed & I don't know for sure, but have my suspicions he might be dealing😞.He has a PT job & therefore some money (& pays a small amount of rent) but it's very ad hoc and can be just a couple of shifts a week so he's barely doing anything.

What will happen - I mean where does a 19 year old kicked out of home actual go? DH has been pushing for this for a couple of months but I've said no we can't kick him out (despite being the main target for his animosity) he's my baby & I'm terrified what will happen to him.

But I can't live like this anymore and it's impacting the whole family. Any words of advice or comfort - would you do it? Or anyone done care to share your experience?

It depends what housing is like in your area. In mines you’d get a flat or a room at homeless hostel. He can apply for UC to help with rent.

Oh you poor love, I've been almost there with DS1 when he was a similar age but never actually did it.

I can't answer your questions but would say that you can't issue the ultimatum without carrying it out if you are put in that position, so think very carefully before those words are said Hopefully someone else will have advice about where he can live.

I did always wonder practically how it would happen, pack his stuff and change the locks seems severe but I know that mine would not have left easily

The thing is that he has no respect for you right now and the only way to gain that respect - albeit long-term - is to tell him he has to leave. He thinks he can do whatever he wants; you have to show him he can't.

It's such a difficult situation and I really feel for you.

Whatever you do, don't act as a rent guarantor for him. Financially, that would be disastrous, and it keeps the parent-child thing going, too, which is what you need to avoid. This is his lesson in growing up. If he can move into a shared house then he'll take it better from his flatmates that his behaviour is unacceptable.

I would tell him it's time for him to move out, that if he'd gone to uni he would've left home and he needs to experience adult life without depending on his parents. I'd pay for the deposit and the first couple of months rent, maybe, as my goal would be to get him out, but once he's gone I'd change his bedroom to another use, so that he can't return. It's unlikely you'll want him to live at home again, so be prepared to argue against that.

The best case scenario is that he goes into a sulk and doesn't get in touch for a while. Be prepared for that and enjoy the rest. Once he's grown up he'll come back as the boy you knew, but let him grow up away from the family home for now.

Just think of it in the same way you would if he was going to university. It's the time when young adults properly grow up - this is his time to do that, too.

I think if you are set on this then you need to give a months warning at least and perhaps offer some housing options. Links to bed sits etc. it is a very hard decision to make but if you feel you have no other option then at least give him time to shape up or find somewhere to live.

A single male with no serious health issues or vulnerabilities will be the lowest of priority for any housing authority, and may not even pass the threshold to even make it on the list depending on your area.

He'll need first month's rent, deposit, and proof of affordability (landlords and letting agents can be very strict on this and he won't pass eligibility for many olaces if he is working ad hoc, presumably for a low wage if he's not got any qualifications), if he is not working enough he may be able to get a housing top up from UC depending on his area.

He will likely be looking at a room in a HMO. Demand for all housing is really high at the moment so don't underestimate how long this might take. Can you assist practically with sorting out viewings and helping with admin?

Can you say what area you're in?

The idea that a young man aged 19 can support himself independently without a high wage and save to travel is frankly not happening in today's climate so I'd be pushing apprenticeships/training routes.

Sorry you're in this position but please don't just turf him out with little notice, this is my area of work and I've seen many young men condemned to a cycle of insecure housing and poverty due to things reaching a head at home and losing their security of home. If you can offer him any support to prop him up a small bit then please do.

it's well and good for people to say they moved out at 17 or whatever but the reality is things have changed and the housing crisis has never been as bad as it is now.

Thanks for replying I'm really upset so this is all helpful stuff.

@MrsCrabOrange I don't want to turf him out for all the reasons you state it would be a disaster for him - we live in the SE so ridiculously high housing costs. The saving for travel is just whilst at home appreciate that ship will have sailed if he moves out. We are charging him a very small token rent precisely so he can save to travel but he's barely earning anything so saved about £1200 since leaving school end of June! We could ask grandparents - that would at least show we are serious about letting him continuing lying around getting wasted.

Sorry that didn't make sense -I meant could ask GP if he can go to there's for a bit as he CAN'T keep lying around doing nothing.

He sounds he might need some sympathy from you, rather than to be thrown out.
It's almost always the man (husband, father) in the family pushing for this, though.
I was a very good daughter, 19 yo, (in another country), when my (emotionally abusive) father started to become really hostile towards me.
Made a good life for myself and sometimes chuckle knowing the bastard lived only until 63.
Sorry for projecting, just an example.

There must be house shares in your area, OP. Please don't ask his grandparents to deal with him - he might be OK for a few days but you can't guarantee he would be for longer. It would be incredibly stressful for them.

He sounds like a bit of a waster, however if you kick him out he will have absolutely nowhere to go, my DH works FT, we’re 29 and I look after my disabled DD. We have £90, 000 in savings and are only just buying a flat as it’s so expensive. Without a job and savings he can’t rent a flat, you will be making him completely homeless, can you consider helping him find an apprenticship, threaten to kick him out unless he stops smoking weed?

Why would you inflict your problem on grandparents?

However much they love him that's really unfair!

(And there's no way I'd want a stoner in my house. And if he's dealing what trouble are you delivering to them?)

I don't think you should do that. This is your son, not theirs, and it's not their responsibility to get him back onto the straight and narrow. You can ask them for advice, support, a listening ear but you cannot ask them to have him living with them.

I think you would need to officially evict him in writing, and then he could present as homeless at the local housing department. In my area he would probably get a room in a hostel (not ideal as there is a lot of drug related activity there). He would then need to apply for universal credit (which I think is lower for under 25’s, but would include a rent element to cover the cost of his room). One of the conditions of that would be doing job search activities for 30+ hours per week and attending regular meetings.

Is he aware of the path he's heading towards - and the probability that he will end up in a very bad way without your continued support? I have two adult children who I've had to push out of the nest because they were taking the piss and refusing to participate in family life. Some scary behaviours that you are dealing with, too. It's a horrendous situation to find yourself in, and with younger children in the house there are long-term ramifications to allowing it to continue.

But something has to change, something has to give. If he doesn't have any special needs or isn't struggling with his mental health in some way, can you approach the situation as a desire to build an adult-to-adult relationship, and ask that he attends family therapy with you?

ETA - I think he could apply for UC now, while he's living with you, and then he can access job seeking support via the Job Centre. (well, I'd couch it as support to him, but in reality they will sanction him if he doesn't attend coaching meetings etc, so you have someone outside the family circle expecting him to shape up)

I want to offer an alternative.

It's likely that if you ask him to leave he will fall downwards. He's not going to be able to rent a flat or house in his own, and most shared houses want people with jobs or are shared student houses.

Reframe the "kicking him out" as wanting him to move out and be successful.

Have a look on spare room.com to see what rooms are available and how much they cost.

Then arrange a time to sit down and talk to him. Maybe coffee shop, say something along the lines of that you want him to be a successful adult making his own way in the world, and you'd like to come up with a plan together so that he can be that person.

(This is saying you want him to leave just with a nicer wrapper)

Then, either same conversation or next conversation, look at the rooms with him.

Then see if he has suggestions for getting more money or being more independent. If he has a PT job can he up hours? If he's left school what skills does he have? If he did for example a catering course at college he should be able to get jobs quite easily.

He may well feel lost and despondent.

Did he do any vocational training? If not, it might be something to look at. Trades and catering qualifications can lead to decent jobs pretty quickly.

This is all aimed at making sure he can leave home and stay gone because he's got the skills to manage adult life.

It is however a massive amount of support and is not easy to give to a difficult teen.

I've NC for this. My parents kicked me out when I was 19. Very long story, but my father had very bad mental health issues, he decided I was to blame, Mum didn't dare stand up to him, so they 'let me go.' I didn't have any issues, no drug or alcohol problems, I had decent friends and a job (although a very junior job). I was a normal 19yr old.

Where did I go? I looked in 'rooms to let' in our local paper, and became someone's lodger. I had to move out of my village into the nearby town to do this. I really couldn't afford to support myself, so got a bar job for evenings and weekends, in addition to my day job. I was miserable. My family had let me go, I was removed from my friends (this was in 1990, so no keeping in touch by social media etc) and as I worked evenings and weekends I had little chance to visit any of them by bus.

I survived, I regularly hoped I wouldn't wake up in the morning, but healthy 19 yr olds tend not to die. To be honest the whole thing damaged me for years, if not permanently. Even now, I have a huge and irrational fear of suddenly losing DH and my friends and being totally alone again. Yes, I've had counselling. It gave me the tools to deal with negative thought, but it doesn't stop them forming.

Edited to add that my parents sought legal advice about taking out an injunction against me, to keep me away. They never actually went through with it, but boy did that hurt.

When he presents as homeless the council will be unable to assist him with accommodation as he doesn't have any priority need. He will fail the homeless application. They can offer temporary accommodation in some cases while the homeless application is open, but it will not last long as it will be plainly evident he does not have any priority need. There is also a temporary accomodation crisis so if he was given anything, they'll be looking to turf him out ASAP once the assessment is made. I assume given OPs description of her son there is no back story of disability etc.

OP I wish you both luck, I wasn't meaning to suggest that you would leave him on the street at all, just highlighting the difficulties as many posters always respond with 'they'll be fine' when that's just not really the case. It's good you are thinking this through, I hope you can all find a way forward.

And also, UC won't cover full cost of rent. It's age and location dependent and the rates don't reflect actual rents. It's a contribution for sure but not the answer to all of the issues.

How long has he been lying in bed all day, getting wasted and being verbally aggressive for?

I think it may be area dependent? I know he’d get something under my (Scottish) local authority, albeit not somewhere pleasant, but clearly not the case everywhere unfortunately.

He could join one of our Forces, travel, wage, apprenticeship, skills learnt, discipline assured, or maybe the Police, Fire Service, Hospital Porter, transform himself into a useful member of society, a capable aeronautics engineer perhaps, rather than him dossing at his grandparents ??

Yes Scotland much better on housing all round, the beauty of devolved governments 😂

OK so this is as bad an idea as I feared and the advice from friends that 'he'll soon grow up when he has to fend for himself & 'he'll find himself in the real world and come back to you a changed man before you know it' are coming from a place of ignorance and a romanticised view of moving out voluntarily & 30 years ago when housing was MUCH cheaper.

Family therapy along with support moving out as a way of becoming independent sound like the best suggestions. I now just need to get him to engage. He's refused any attempts to signpost to training courses, apprenticeships or with help applying for jobs so will try again but we mainly just clash now so might see if I can get him to engage with outside help on this.

If only! Whilst I don't like the idea of a child potentially facing warfare, I actually think he'd love the forces and it could be the making on him but he just won't engage.

He would fail the drugs test portion of the application process.