Devastated asking an older teen to move out - any words of advice or comfort?

[Worreidmum]

We are nearing the end of the road with DS (just turned 19) being at home and feel it's time to give him an ultimatum with a deadline to shape up or move out.
I'm gutted. I feel like I've failed him as a parent and desperately worried about what will happen to him not to mention panic about the practicalities of him being out in the world alone😢

I'm really hoping this ultimatum will shock him into action: he'll get a FT job and save up to go travelling as was his plan post school or find a training course, but, based on current behaviour there's a strong chance nothing will change & we have to follow through.

He spends most of his time in bed or getting wasted. He's rude & verbally aggressive and does absolutely nothing to contribute to the household without a major row. His room stinks of weed & I don't know for sure, but have my suspicions he might be dealing😞.He has a PT job & therefore some money (& pays a small amount of rent) but it's very ad hoc and can be just a couple of shifts a week so he's barely doing anything.

What will happen - I mean where does a 19 year old kicked out of home actual go? DH has been pushing for this for a couple of months but I've said no we can't kick him out (despite being the main target for his animosity) he's my baby & I'm terrified what will happen to him.

But I can't live like this anymore and it's impacting the whole family. Any words of advice or comfort - would you do it? Or anyone done care to share your experience?

Don't kick him out that could lead him down a rocky road.He might end up in a B&B it's definitely not like any place you stayed in on holiday.
I ended up in one of these places my parents put me out due to a drug problem (amphetamine) it took me five years to sort myself out.
If he ends up in a homeless hostel that could make him vulnerable to county line's.

@Elizo we don't have the means to sort him out with a new pad even if he could get a tenancy (highly unlikely) so not going to be person this right now

@Burntt thanks and making life a little less comfortable whilst also equipping him better for the life outside home, will likely feature in our plans.

@Tittat50 thank you some really great advice lots to think about. I suspect taking the school's word and not pursuing this was probably the first and biggest of our failings. I have literally little clue about ADHD (it was a mum friend who suggested it and crude Google diagnosis seemed to agree) so I will read up on it further and sounds like we might need to start saving up if private consultation will be needed. Just hope to goodness ds will agree.

@Worreidmum it's no failing at all on your part. We're on another thread right now discussing how difficult it is/was for most of us to realise with our kids. The school and public services can be buggers. Not your fault at all any of this.

ADDitude is an America website but I recommend it highly. I avoid NHS websites on everything health related as shockingly lacking in knowledge.

If he is lying in bed all day you might find that £1200 is a myth. Maybe he's embarrassed to admit he doesn't have it or he doesn't want to tell you what he spent it on, and he may think that if he admits not saving, he'll have to pay more rent. I'd be expecting far more rent, and you do the saving for him without him knowing.

My heart goes out to you, what an awful situation. If he is already meddling in drugs, kicking him out onto the street could lead him to a life of much more dangerous drugs. It sounds like using weed and only having a few hours a week work is possibly having an impact on his mental health hence all the moods etc. could you ask your gp for some advice? It's such a difficult situation, you really are damned If you do and damned if you don't.

We were at a 50th recently and they had a mobile bar there. Standard buckets of ice with beer, bottles of wine etc but with a choice of four cocktails. Two v young guys in their 20’s making them who clearly owned the business. Admittedly January is quiet for bar work but there are also self employment options. A friend also had a party with a cocktail making lesson in her kitchen at home. clearly my friends are boozehounds. 😉

I don’t know the industry very well but I think a lot of big hotel chains run training schemes and there may be local short training courses particularly for bar rather than catering (which might be hard to motivate) which might whet interest?

Were you being abusive to your mum and using and potentially dealing drugs though? It sounds a bit different

No he wouldn't. Not without a guarantor and/or a reference.

The rental market has changed a lot in recent years.

After DD graduated and started working full time I still had to be her guarantor because as a student she had only lived in each of her rental properties for a year at a time.

Landlords want more evidence these days of a tenant being able to pay rent.

If you can get the finances together for external support with the ADHD you and school suspect, you could find that's the key if he is self medicating with the weed and it's just coming with a load of unwanted side effects. These new strains will literally suck his soul and motivation to do anything out like a hoover, I've seen it close at hand and it's phenomenal how it's changed over recent decades. Huge ramifications mentally over the medium and longer term, and if he's smoking enough of it he might have to deal with some physical withdrawl symptoms which aren't very nice. The good news is that within the month that will be behind him and he can be back on a more engaged and even keel.

He needs to engage and want to pack it in, which is always the kicker, get external support from all angles you can, you can't learn any less. I reckon if you deal with this like something you need to project manage and set out a plan, negotiate a path forward together rather than losing your hair and wanting to kick him out, manage it before it gets to that stage. I know a family that kicked their teen daughter out a couple of decades ago and it's just been the most tragic tale for all of them. Only ever a last resort when you've exhausted every avenue, and even then comes with a life long price to pay.

After reading your response, it sounds like you and your partner are really reasonable, stable people who have done your best to give him a good upbringing. Therefore there must be another reason why he is acting like this.

just going to share my experience in case it is relevant. I was completely burnt out / overwhelmed after doing GCSEs and a-levels that I couldn’t cope with the idea of goikg to uni. If I hadn’t been such an absolute people pleaser (who was also unknowingly masking) I would have also lain about in bed, not working, out of sheer exhausting from having to cope with so many years going to school.

instead I did go out and get a job, and then also listened to my parents when they said they wanted me to go to uni the following yr. it was too much, I struggled in silence, and then went through 20 years of on-off anxiety and panic attacks. Some periods of my life the panic disorder has been so intense I have wanted to die and have been so miserable.

making someone soldier on when they are exhibiting signs that they can’t is not the way forward if you want them to have a happy successful life. You have to get to the bottom of why they are acting like this as a “normal” 19 year old doesn’t just decide to spend all day in bed.

the adhd question mark is a massive red flag for me that I would be investigating, only because as an adult I have now been diagnosed with adhd amd my family were shocked (have expressed they don’t believe me).

screen time particularly too much phone time is really bad for my brain functioning / happiness so limiting that for him somehow I think would be beneficial.

will reiterate what I said in previous post: if he is a sociable, chatty person then working abroad with a package that includes accom and where he is surrounded by others the same age might springboard him out of the funk. If he is burnt out from undiagnosed ND, however, then he may just need time to recover. Hard to watch when society tells you a young person should be out socialising and earning as soon as they leave school, but MH is at crisis levels now because of what society says people “should” be doing. The pace of life is frantic. And it doesn’t suit many.

So, DH & I have come up with an interim plan that hopefully recognises he's struggling & lost and needs support (so definitely no talk of kicking him out), but also no longer facilitates his current life of riley.

1. Adult life preparedness: I will no longer be doing his laundry - far too many arguments about this so that's a non-negotiable & one less stress for me. He also needs to contribute to the household with a few specific chores & cook twice a week inc. clearing up afterwards. If he won't cook, from next month I will give him a cupboard & a fridge shelf and he'll be responsible for buying & cooking his own food.
2. Work/ Training: He need to either find (with our help if he'll accept it) a course or apprenticeship or a FT job. Make it clear this is minimum 35 hours a week and if it's work on a low wage, he might need to work more than this to cover his bills & have sufficient spends/savings etc
3. Travelling: It's not something we will actively support anymore as he won't engage in discussion about it and we don't see any serious motivation to go by way of savings. If he really wants to, he will go regardless but right now we want to focus on getting him back on track.
4. Bills: From next month we stop paying for his phone & gym and he takes responsibility for buying his own clothes and toiletries. From March, his rent increases from £40 to £80pw which relative to the local rents is still not a huge amount, but with the new added costs he'll need to cover we feel is heading in the right direction & ensure he works a few more hours!
5. GP appointment: try and encourage him to see the GP to discuss potential ADHD + cannabis addiction
6. Look at trying to reinstate the talking therapies / CBT pathway he stepped off or find some other interim therapy whilst we wait for NHS assessment / referral

Any thoughts? Will need to tread carefully as bombarding him with information never ends well so leading with support & help and go from there.

Thank you @canyouletthedogoutplease & @Newbie887 for your kind and helpful replies and in fact everyone who has posted we have felt so lost for so long it's great to at least feel like we have some plans & strategies in place that might help us & him.

OP from someone who has been fairly peripherally involved with relatives who have not come out of this well, I think your approach is spot on. A mix of long and short-term objectives. I would just add a couple of things...

Firstly... I would write this down for him, either in a letter, or in a text, or something. I think this well help so that things don't get forgotten or twisted over time. If he goes off track it will suit him to say you either never said these things, or that they were somehow a threat.

I think that you should emphasise that your goal in all of this is that he lives a happy, independent life. So what you are saying there is that he can't bumble along at home indefinitely, but also that you don't have unreasonable expectations. I don't think he needs any pressure to do any particular job or course, live anywhere in particular, or earn x amount. ' Happy and independent' is flexible and memorable and I think you should repeatedly emphasise this as your hopes for him. Explain to him that longer term if this doesn't work out you may have to think about him getting his own place but for the foreseeable future you're happy to support him through him living at home.

Give him an analogy that he can identify with. This is one my DH uses a lot... ask him what he'd do if he saw a lad his own age broken down at the side of the road. Would he be more likely to help if he saw the young chap trying to sort the situation out himself... or if he was just sitting there? Explain to him that you want to help him to help himself, because realistically you won't be around forever... and happy and independent is your wish for him. It's much easier for you to support him in any way if he's helping himself too.

Ask him to 'come and sit with you both for half an hour' to discuss things. Say to him at the start that he may find it difficult, but ask for half an hour of his time to hear you out. Go through what you've said but don't linger. Don't lecture, don't rise to anything. Say at the end that you'll check back in in say one week. Summarise what you've each agreed you will do before you sit down again. Let him know that not sitting down together in a planned way to discuss things is not an option. Keep this up longer term and try not to pick at him in between.

Good luck OP, I do really wish you and your family all the best.

How's it going, OP @Worreidmum ?

And would they want someone who lies around in bed getting stoned?