Devastated asking an older teen to move out - any words of advice or comfort?

[Worreidmum]

We are nearing the end of the road with DS (just turned 19) being at home and feel it's time to give him an ultimatum with a deadline to shape up or move out.
I'm gutted. I feel like I've failed him as a parent and desperately worried about what will happen to him not to mention panic about the practicalities of him being out in the world alone😢

I'm really hoping this ultimatum will shock him into action: he'll get a FT job and save up to go travelling as was his plan post school or find a training course, but, based on current behaviour there's a strong chance nothing will change & we have to follow through.

He spends most of his time in bed or getting wasted. He's rude & verbally aggressive and does absolutely nothing to contribute to the household without a major row. His room stinks of weed & I don't know for sure, but have my suspicions he might be dealing😞.He has a PT job & therefore some money (& pays a small amount of rent) but it's very ad hoc and can be just a couple of shifts a week so he's barely doing anything.

What will happen - I mean where does a 19 year old kicked out of home actual go? DH has been pushing for this for a couple of months but I've said no we can't kick him out (despite being the main target for his animosity) he's my baby & I'm terrified what will happen to him.

But I can't live like this anymore and it's impacting the whole family. Any words of advice or comfort - would you do it? Or anyone done care to share your experience?

I don't know how you can even contemplate kicking your own 19 year old son out, regardless of the reasons. How is it the answer in the immediate future and for your long term relationship with him? He will likely resent you forever. Honestly, I don't know what the answer is (maybe finding a job that he enjoys with mentors who he respects) but kicking him out is not the solution.

I think you should stop listening to these cold, heartless people who are stirring up trouble by suggesting this (including your 'D'H). He is your child and you should love him and so should your DH (I have no doubt that you do).

I agree with the suggestions above to make it exciting - not a punishment. Time to get going with his life, and the glorious pain and joy of it.

Get him to buddy up and share a house with friends. 19 year olds should be gagging to go get their independence, it's no surprise he's miserable.

Haven't had time to read all this, but what would happen to him if he ended up homeless units ? More drugs ? Feeling his family rejected him ? What is it going to mean for the rest of his life ?

How would that help? Surely he'd just resume lying around at theirs doing nothing?

I threw ds out at 20 but he had a full time job. Ime ds's need more support than dd's.... Ime. His db 20 is still at home. Ft work and cooks and pays his way. . Can you change the WiFi password, offer up suggestions of pitching in as another adult in the house - sell it as prep for moving out. I hope you aren't cooking /laundry for this layabout op? .. No weed allowed and of you find any it will be flushed away. We have zero drug tolerance here.. In your shoes throwing him out would be something I couldn't sleep nights doing....

You are at your wits end and sound like such a loving mother op.

As an alternative. How about you give him two weeks notice and at triple or quadruple the rent and follow through on that. Explain the cost of living has gone up, and you can no longer afford to subsidise him. This will put pressure on him to step up his hours.

Keep the money back for later on when he has settled down.

I would absolutely ban any smoking or any drug use. Have a very frank discussion. If he must then he goes outside or in the garage. I am sorry but it would be tough love in our house if this ever happened ( due to my job) A bolt would be put on the outside of his bedroom door, with a huge padlock. And if he uses again in his room or anywhere inside your home then he is locked out for the week and can sleep on the floor on a sleeping bag. This will give him a very good opportunity to see what it’s like sofa surfing and being homeless.

No more WiFi
No more lifts
No more friends over

I would be coming down so hard on him, as to make him wish to live almost anywhere else, this is not okay.

I would take him to the police cells ( make prior arrangement) and ask him if this is how he sees his future.

The tougher you can be now, the more likely it will be that you will not have to ask him to leave. I would give him to the end of the year (in my mind only) and if it’s really impossible. Look at spare.com and move him in somewhere as a lodger. They certainly won’t put up with it either.

Don't throw him out. He will be the same, in bed all day getting water etc but he will be very vulnerable to gangs, criminals, worse drugs.
Contact social services, they will point you to organisations that will help.

💐

Sorry wasted

Agree with you fully, and the barain is not fully mature until something like age 25. It's sad that 18 is seen as an " adult " they are far from it in my experience.

If he has £1200 saved then he has a deposit and first months rent.

I would give him two choices:
a) he transfers the money to you to hold on his behalf. He starts paying market rent and shapes up his behaviour. You place the differential into savings for him but take deductions if he is not looking for work/at work or otherwise being a productive member of the family.
b) he takes his £1200 and moves out.

One week to decide, one month to move out or get more work and effect the transfers.

If he hasn't actually saved it at all then you will have all the problems outlined by other posters in the practicalities of "kicking him out".

Has he considered a working "holiday" volunteering, doing seasonal work bar work/sailing crew/agricultural work etc? So self funding after a point but buying him a plane ticket and sending him off might break a bad cycle.

Why is the emphasis on him saving to travel? It sounds like he's fairly rudderless at the moment. The emphasis needs to be on getting him set on a course where he is in a job with progression, so he can afford to move out and be more independent.

Can he get into a trade? Do you know a family friend who might offer him an apprenticeship? Or are there any jobs going that he could apply to do?

Tbh a young person doesn't get to 19 and in the position that he is in without some sort of failure of parenting along the way, failure to set a course, to help and train that young person, and to mould them into a respectable young adult (without sounding hurtful - sorry). So please don't just cut him off without equipping him first on how to survive and thrive.

Op has been scaffolding him by having him at home. He is supposed to be using this time to work his first full-time adult job and save. He could be using this time to get training. He is making a choice to waste this opportunity.

telling him he has to leave isn’t cruel. Hopefully it will shock him into realizing that the world is hard work and he needs to get a job to support himself.

Op can always let him negotiate a return to living at home. He just needs to have a plan to actually use the opportunity.

I was kicked out at 18 through no fault of my own, my parents went abroad and didn't want me to go with them. I had to grow up very fast, I applied for nurses training because it was the only thing I could think of that also provided a place to live.
It was very traumatic at the time as my upbringing was extremely strict and I was not allowed to go out or make friends other than at college so I was very naive and didn't know how to cook or plan finances or anything. But I survived.
Then years later my son had a very difficult teenage stage and stormed out after an argument. I didn't see or hear from him for a year, I was desperately worried but eventually he did get back in touch and it turned out he'd been sleeping rough and taking drugs.
He did come home for a bit and then sorted his life out, he now has a home of his own and is married but they were tough times. But our relationship is better for it I think.

He'd be able to get a room in a shared house easily, considering he's got £1200 in savings. He might have to move to a cheaper area but that's his own fault for acting the way he is. Maybe it would be the kick up the arse he needs to get his shit together

I really feel for you and this entire situation. However, kicking him out when he has no proper job is very difficult from an accommodation perspective because on one hand you being his guarantor would be a disaster long-term, but on the other hand no one is going to ok him financially as a tenant.

There are jobs abroad that would get him travelling, and also pay accommodation. Ski season jobs where you work for a U.K. company but live in an overseas ski resort (Europe or North America) or summer jobs in an 18-30s type resort, both would include staff accommodation as part of the package. If he isn’t going to university, and wants to travel, then something like these may be a good fit? He would be surrounded by other workers his own age and it’s a super fun environment with a lot of socialising and partying in amongst the work. He doesn’t need a lot of qualifications or experience to get one of the entry level jobs as the first couple of weeks of the seasons are dedicated to training and set up. They will be more looking for personality type: team player, upbeat, hard working, reliable.

Even if he only did one of these seasons I would be very surprised if it didn’t springboard him into a more positive direction. Nothing more depressing than the season ending and being sat back in your parents spare room on your own…🤣 he will realise life is for living and will start chasing that

OP, I've listened to a great episode of the Mel Robins podcast recently, with Dr Stuart Ablon. It's about dealing with difficult kids/people and resolving conflict. He's basically saying that ultimatums rarely work and offers a really simple approach that I've started using with my own DC.
I really recommend you give it a listen, it might be very useful in your situation.
Good luck!

An absolute wildcard suggestion I appreciate, but if his plan was to travel, is he still engaged with that? Could you afford to finance that to a degree to get it going? Not sure if they still sell 'round the world' tickets but a year travelling might have the dual benefit of getting him out of your house and instilling him with some independence and hopefully a zest for life...

Maybe if you could say 'whatever you've got saved by X date we'll double' and make sure he's got a flight booked so a firm date to work towards?

Apply for a job on a cruise ship, see the world.

Are you sure there are no other issues here? Are you certain that there's not one jot of a chance he hasn't got additional issues ( ADHD, depression, any MH condition, even possibly Autistic and he's a high masker).

The reason I say this is because I don't believe anyone chooses that life easily. Yes I took drugs in my youth, had the odd E, ( ah the days), bit of weed, but at some point you want a life, you want freedom, you want joy and happiness and you realise this isn't fun full time.

So, this to me feels like self medicating. And I'm not saying you should put up with it. But just consider every possible angle.

Is this aggression a new thing?

I had to go live in house shares and even just went to London and found randoms quite young. It is doable if you share costs. But the state he's in, how is this going to work if he's a stoned zombie.

My priority would be easing off the demands for a few days then gently asking ' mate, what's going on, talk to me ' If he just gets angry and tells you to fuck off etc then maybe you will have no choice but to force him out. If he refuses to talk it's not fair.

I always think those little DIY garden cabin things would be great in this situation. But that might make him too comfortable and you're permanent maid.

He might just be a lazy shit, but I always advise on here that you consider everything.

Thing is if they live at home until late 30s with parents doing everything for them then they are very unlikely to develop the skills to live independently after that. I know from family members!

And it IS unaffordable for most teens/young people to move out, so makes financial sense to stay at home even if no additude/drug issues. So I don't know what the answer is, to be honest. Friends will be too old for houseshares once time moves on. There needs to be some long-term plan in place otherwise no end of issues down the line.

It sounds like the "guidance" is being thrown back in OP's face. How do you make them wake up?

I'm guessing your DH isn't his dad. If that's the case, please don't choose him over your son. (I mean - don't kick him out either way, but if this is a stepfather situation then your child needs you to be on his side.)

This post should act as a warning. I see so many friends wrapping their DC in cotton wool, only to be faced with an entitled 18/19 year old who has no idea what it's like to be an adult but wants to be treated as an equal in the home. They have no idea how much it will cost.
DD's lovely friend Tor was raised by a hardworking single mum with no support. Tor has never brought a moment's bother to her DM's door. She has been offered a well paying apprenticeship when she finishes 6th form, not going off to uni as DM expected.
DD says Tor is incensed her mum has asked for £400 a month for rent, bills, food, etc. Tor thinks her DM is taking the piss asking for 25% of her wage and says she either wants to be put on the deeds of the house or she'll leave...
This is the SE, where a one bedroom apartment cost £1,000+ per month. My DD thought Tor was being reasonable until her enlightened her that £400 wouldn't even cover utilities and that it's likely her DM is going to lose more than £400 a month in CB and UC when Tor leaves sixth form.

Well parenting has a lot to do with the attitude of the young person. You can’t create something you end up not liking. You have to take responsibility for that. Not saying at all that OP is a bad parent; I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s tough out there. The only thing (alongside the decent parenting) is a good education and to be in full time employment. They need to be ambitious and need us to be ambitious for them. There’s no WAY we would have allowed weed in the house (or anywhere else for that matter) or to be loafing about all day. The peer group also has a lot of influence. If the friends are doing well your kid wants to do well also.

It is almost always young men. And it is almost always because they have had everything done for them with no responsibilities.

We simply do not treat girls with the same haphazard mollycoddling.

This is why we have a huge generation of young men who are single, poor, jobless and in my opinion, pointless.