Devastated asking an older teen to move out - any words of advice or comfort?

[Worreidmum]

We are nearing the end of the road with DS (just turned 19) being at home and feel it's time to give him an ultimatum with a deadline to shape up or move out.
I'm gutted. I feel like I've failed him as a parent and desperately worried about what will happen to him not to mention panic about the practicalities of him being out in the world alone😢

I'm really hoping this ultimatum will shock him into action: he'll get a FT job and save up to go travelling as was his plan post school or find a training course, but, based on current behaviour there's a strong chance nothing will change & we have to follow through.

He spends most of his time in bed or getting wasted. He's rude & verbally aggressive and does absolutely nothing to contribute to the household without a major row. His room stinks of weed & I don't know for sure, but have my suspicions he might be dealing😞.He has a PT job & therefore some money (& pays a small amount of rent) but it's very ad hoc and can be just a couple of shifts a week so he's barely doing anything.

What will happen - I mean where does a 19 year old kicked out of home actual go? DH has been pushing for this for a couple of months but I've said no we can't kick him out (despite being the main target for his animosity) he's my baby & I'm terrified what will happen to him.

But I can't live like this anymore and it's impacting the whole family. Any words of advice or comfort - would you do it? Or anyone done care to share your experience?

Where I am in Scotland your son wouldn't be offered anything atm by the council. We have a housing crisis.
I think most rooms or flats let via agents will want a guarantor as your son doesn't earn enough to meet criteria.
I absolutely understand that you don't want a weed smoking/dealing dosser living under your roof.
The part about him being your son makes this complicated and difficult because you love him. But this billy big bollocks stuff has to stop.
Time to get tough.

OK so this is as bad an idea as I feared and the advice from friends that 'he'll soon grow up when he has to fend for himself & 'he'll find himself in the real world and come back to you a changed man before you know it' are coming from a place of ignorance and a romanticised view of moving out voluntarily & 30 years ago when housing was MUCH cheaper.

@Worreidmum as I said in my earlier post, I was kicked out aged 19, in 1990. Even back then I struggled to support myself financially, even with 2 jobs. If you let him go now, I fear he could end up on the streets, as (sorry) but he doesn't sound very motivated?

I agree therapy and sympathy is way forward. Often drug use is a self-medication being used to mask depression, anxiety, trauma.

The reality is if you kick him out, he goes to the streets and sleeps rough and will likely fall downwards into worse crime than dealing a bit of weed as a side hustle.

there is always a flaw in any argument - I forgot about the drugs - so he would have to be squeaky clean before applying ? as its hard to believe any 16 plus year old applying hasn’t had a puff

Does he have any interests? Or what were his interests when he was younger?

Yes, and stay clean. The initial drugs test is one of many random, no notice drugs tests.

This was my first thought. Nearly always the Dad/Step Dad escalating issues and then demanding scorched earth punishment but Mum has to carry it out!

OP why don't you say to him you have calculated that it is costing you £x to house / feed him and he will need to provide you with a decent rent and board to cover this so will need to work more. Say you will have to ask him to move out if he can't step up. This way he starts taking more responsibility for himself. Then later in the year, if he does start working more, hopefully you will be in a position to help him move on, this time with more work expereince and lived adult life experience. Maybe you've had a big bill land on the doorstep??? Or you could invent one. So he needs to help out more? Say you are not prepared to support someone anymore with no goals or directions who is not pulling their weight.

I guess this is how people end up as street homeless. Is your DH his father?

My heart goes out to all of you in this situation. It is hard to watch a much loved young man seemingly throwing away all opportunities to lie around smoking weed, drinking and not doing much to help himself change.
My own dgs dropped out of A levels and apart from going to his part time job spent all his time out until all hours then lying about in the house. These days at school (I know from pastoral observations as a teacher) they are told they can do/be anything they want ...and when things don't pan out for them they can loose self esteem and fall into a depression which they then 'medicate' with weed and alcohol. Our own DD is a hard worker so before this happened in our own family I believed in the concept of 'not putting up with it'. Short sharp shock ext.

But the reality is that your ds would probably end up homeless and on the street. No points for accommodation, maybe at first getting a house share with equally lost young men.Rent not paid (it only takes one not being able to pay their share of the rent) and evicted.
Also the deep hurt of being forced to leave the family home would likely have terrible, long term detrimental effects.
What can I say I wish I had infallible answers for you. I can only say that 19 these days, although legally an adult, is barely a year from being a school kid with no responsibilities and the shock of from that to full out of home full responsibility is likely to have devastating consequences.
I would tell his dad ( or step dad?) they you are not going down that route. Hang on in there op. We are seeing tiny improvements, though with a long way to go with our near 20 year old. As loving though deeply anxious parents my DD and husband can't see any other way. Yes it causes tensions in the household but for us, as a family, the alternative is unthinkable. Naturally others will disagree with my thoughts here and that is fine ...but you did ask for the views of others and as our family is experiencing similar I didn't feel able to read and run. Good luck going forward. These years with our kids can be the most challenging of all and we can only hope that the decisions we make help it all come good in the end 💐

Speak the your or his Doctor about his drug use. AA for friends and families of alcoholics might help.

The aggression is a side effect of his drug use.

I can only say that 19 these days, although legally an adult, is barely a year from being a school kid with no responsibilities and the shock of from that to full out of home full responsibility is likely to have devastating consequences.

Sadly, this is true. I was bright, healthy and employed and it still nearly killed me

Similar story here.

I’m in my 40’s now with older teens and a young adult. I will never ever do this to them. My life has been surviving, not thriving and I have an underlying sense of being unwanted and unworthy that wont ever go away.

I have the fear too. I wake up in the night panicking that I’ll end up alone on the streets or in some terrible hovel somewhere, completely isolated. It’s a feeling of doom.

I feel like something really breaks inside you when your family cuts you off. Survival was dependent on being accepted as part of a group before society came along, if you were cast out, you died.

Give him a choice and make it clear that the choice is 100% his decision. You are in no way forcing him out of his home. You are simply expecting him to behave well and respect you if he does choose to live with you.

That means getting up at a reasonable time, helping with adult chores of keeping the house running - cleaning, cooking, shopping etc - no more than his fair share of them, but no less either, polite, respectful behaviour, a clear plan of action for his future financially and for his health and general well being.

Or, he has two weeks to find somewhere else to live. Non negotiable.

I would add that if he moves out and at any point decides he'd prefer to move back in, and stick to the expected adult behaviour, you will welcome him with open arms. But he has to act respectfully and do his share.

OP, my DM did this at 21, and it did not hurt me. I stayed with mates a few nights on the sympathy card and then managed to sort myself a room in a house.

It was the making of me. I had no choice but to get off my arse and start adulting.

I have told DM numerous times since as an adult that she did absolutely the right thing and thanked her.

Sadly no advice to offer but went through similar with my eldest DS. While at school he dossed about, put in no effort. Had frankly unrealistic expectations as to what 'adult' life would be like and what job he might do, invited 'friends' home whenever I was out so I'd come home to a house full of unknown teens, he'd have parties late at night, vanish - and it's all very well people saying 'don't let them', but when they climb out of windows or go back to the house when you're not there (because you're at work trying to earn enough to keep body and soul together) - that is easier said than done.

He left of his own accord at 18, because he couldn't stand my 'rules' (which were almost trampled to dust by this point). Moved in with a girlfriend's parents, then into a YMCA hostel. Found a job. Found a flat. Found another girlfriend. Now he's nearly 35, full time employed, married to a lovely girl, and doing extremely well for himself. Our relationship is good. So there can be a positive outcome, but my god, it was a long hard slog getting there and he had to do most of the work himself. I think it shocked him a little when he realised that life wasn't going to come and get him, he had to go and get it.

I’m in my 40’s now with older teens and a young adult. I will never ever do this to them. My life has been surviving, not thriving and I have an underlying sense of being unwanted and unworthy that wont ever go away.

I have the fear too. I wake up in the night panicking that I’ll end up alone on the streets or in some terrible hovel somewhere, completely isolated. It’s a feeling of doom.

I feel like something really breaks inside you when your family cuts you off. Survival was dependent on being accepted as part of a group before society came along, if you were cast out, you died.

@OriginalUsername2 I'm so sorry you went through this too, you describe the feeling more eloquently than I did

so he would have to be squeaky clean before applying ? as its hard to believe any 16 plus year old applying hasn’t had a puff

I think there’s a difference between having had an occasional puff and being a regular user (and dealer?). I think the drug use is fundamental to the rest of his problems. He won’t be motivated to do anything other than earn just enough to buy them, if he’s in thrall to drugs. And if there’s no home and no money to fall back on, that’s motivation enough for some to turn to crime to finance their self-medication, if that’s what it is.

If you could get to the root of what he finds in drug usage, that he can’t seem to find anywhere else in his life, you might be getting somewhere. It’s really difficult, if he won’t engage, though. It’s not as if you can line up lots of appointments/interviews and take him to them against his will.

Are there ever any times when you feel there’s more of a connection between the two of you? Would he go for a meal, watch a film, play a board game? Are there any lighter moments or happy times in the family?

Please don't pass the issue onto his grandparents.

I don't think you're serious about the ultimatum if you're considering this and i presume maybe your son thinks this too?

Having said that I sympathise with you. Must be really difficult for any parent if we won't listen or respect you. Mine are the same but only 12 and 14.

I love this. There is a generation of distressed young people (various reasons - not insignificantly the COVID pandemic) and I am troubled by the constant calls to kick out potentially vulnerable teens.

This is great advice - scaffolding him to move into the next phase of his life with the knowledge that he is loved and worthy.

Just read more responses and I'm heartened that so many people agree that kicking out young people is ultimately unhelpful. I feel we are getting better at understanding the underlying causes of "laziness" and lack of motivation. Usually an externalised expression of hopelessness.

I wouldn’t ask him to move out, for all the reasons already mentioned.

instead, I’d work out the likely minimum it’d cost for him to rent a room and pay for essentials in a HMO. He then pays you that instead of a minimal amount, meaning he has to increase hours and has less money for weed etc. That way he has to start earning enough to be independent.

Instead of you keeping the full amount, keep taking the minimal amount and save the rest for him to either use for travelling or a flat deposit.

I couldn’t make any son of mine homeless. He needs some guidance not to be turfed out or he’s likely to spiral

Is this a recent thing or has he been like it for years? Anything going on at home? Is it his father or stepfather?