What age do you allow teens to go to bars in town on a night out?

[marshmalloo]

My DD is 17 in January.

This year she has been to a couple of festivals, several house parties and when on holiday with us in the summer been allowed to have some cocktails etc.

I allow her to take a set amount of alcohol to a house party in an attempt to avoid her getting her hands on whatever else is going - this tactic seems to work well as so far, she hasn't come home steaming or sick or anything.

Since starting college she has started wanting to go to bars in town at the weekend - she has a first date last week and went to a bar with him and they had a few drinks, again, home on time not seemingly "drunk"

I feel like the floodgates are open now and not sure if it's ok?

Also aware if I forbid her to go she may start sneaking around and lying.

She went to a house party last night but on checking her location she was actually in town.

I need to have a conversation with her and set boundaries for going in town but a bit stumped about what is appropriate?

I was up to allsorts by her age and didn't have any open communication with my mum about any of this stuff.

She is youngest of 3 - DD, now 24 is autistic and at this age was very anxious and rarely if ever sociakised, DS now 21 didn't drink alcohol at this age at all due to competitive sport and wanting to succeed in this so it's a new dilemma.

@speedmop bore off at this point , you're just being pedantic and annoying.

Her cousin HAS a full driving licence.

@speedmop you keep saying I'm not concerned, I am concerned , which was the whole point of the thread - the thread has been really helpful in reiterating why I'm concerned and I've taken appropriate action.

17yo un January means she is lower 6th.

My dc was going out like that at that age.
The bar/pubs around where we are quite strict re checking age agd some if them don’t even allow under 21 to go in in the first place (usually after 9.00pm).

I had more issue with the walk back home tbh.
Now dcs were both boys but I’m not sure if I had allowed it if they were girls.
(Unfair and all the rest of it but I’d have been more worried for their safety as female)

The Id thing thing was totally out and I’d have a huge issue around that. I think you handled that part very well tbh.

Thats what I was thinking. Me and my mates were getting served at 14/15. From what I know now; most places are really strict and it’s very difficult to get served under 18.

Fake ID is easier than ever to get hold of. But sharing ID is also common and as the pp says they change their socials so they have the same name.

The reality is kids today do the same as we did, push boundaries, try to rush to grow up. Some have good relationships with their parents as shown by OP and this helps. Words like 'banning' 'not letting' results in secrets.

It’s sooooo much stricter than when we were teens. Even if you just look young they check and are adept at spotting fakes. The only thing that works is borrowing id and even that’s not foolproof as they confiscate it if they realise. Dd2 is nearly 16 and looks pretty old for her age but even she and her friends who are confident and very social would not even attempt going to a pub or a club.

You haven't caused this by allowing limited alcohol @marshmalloo
I allowed mine to have limited alcohol, I don't drink it as I don't like the taste but they have other people in their lives who like cider so that's what they've had. DS1 is now 21 and at uni. He was 16 when lockdowns started so first houseparty was probably at 17. He would never have wanted to go to a club/bar underage as he'd have been too worried about ID! He also would never have lied to me about it, treating him with the respect to have conversations about alcohol rather than banning it and creating that mistrust meant that he had no reason to lie. He's in 3rd year at uni and they don't even bother with clubs/bars now, night at the SU is as raucous as it gets 🤣
DS2 is 17 and has a can of cider maybe once every few weeks. He also has never felt the next to lie to me, in fact I have been the person he's gone to when friends of his got dangerously drunk at 14/15 as he knew he could trust me to help them without judgment. He was worried after some texts he got so woke me up and we drove to them at around midnight.

interesting

Given the only way you get your full license is by either giving your provisional to the examiner at the time of passing OR sending on to the DVLA after passing in order to get you full license

When you pass your practical driving test, DVLA will usually send you your full licence automatically.
After the test, the examiner will:

1. Take your provisional photocard driving licence.
2. Give you a driving test pass certificate.
3. Arrange for DVLA to send you your full licence.

If you don’t at time of passing,,,

How to apply
If you’re applying for a full licence, you need to:

• sign the declaration on your driving test pass certificate
• fill in form D1 ‘application for a driving licence’ - you can get one from a Post Office that offers DVLA services
• include original documents confirming your identity
• include a passport photograph (only if you have a paper provisional licence)
• include your provisional licence

but your daughter has got her cousin’s provisional license despite her cousin passing

and she’s had it since August and only just used it for the first time the other day

OP, you haven’t like what i’ve said
but it was your daughter suggesting for their first date they go to a pub for drinks when both 16

and i think she’s probably been going since she got the provisional license (although im intrigued by that too!) back in the summer and has been lying to you

i don’t think she’s some kind of delinquent! But i do think that there’s more to this

@speedmop yes you do need your provisional licence when you pass your test. You don’t need it every time you have a driving lesson.

Presumably she will give it back to her cousin or the cousin will say it’s lost and pay £20 for a new one 🤷🏼‍♀️

@speedmop now you are just being weird.

I work in FE and trust me when I say, bars are not as hot on it all as they would have you believe!
I live in a uni town and every Monday my students regale me of stories of bars and raves at the weekend....they are first years so 16 and just left secondary school.

OP - she sounds really sensible and you clearly have a great relationship with her, that really will be your saving grace. However my concern wouldn't be her, it would be the adult men in the bars that will assume she is legally old enough to be there, regardless of how mature she is at 16 (and some of them really are!), she is still hugely vulnerable in that situation.

Are you AI speedmop, it's bizarre, you're hyperfocussed on rigid detail but seemingly lacking in compassion?

Why on earth would I lie about her id ?

Her cousin (my niece) let her have her old provisional she still had lying around, she has a licence and drives yet still had possession of it - they moved so think she'd got a replacement then and that's the one she went in for the full licence.

15/16 seems to be the norm , depends if they can get served or not really.

What age do you allow teens to go to bars in town on a night out?

IMO,

Legally, 18.
Morally, 20.

20 🙄

It sounds like she's been pretty sensible and demonstrated that you can trust her up to this point.

I wonder how many posters clutching their pearls were also out at bars or drinking in local parks in the 80s and 90s!

20 - so funny! Imagine telling a 19 year old they can’t go to a bar.

OP she sounds sensible and she communicates with you and doesn’t lie. All good.

I’m slightly perplexed at the horror over ‘a bar’. Do we prefer teenagers drinking in dark parks these days? At least in a bar it’s a public place. You can be judgy over the fake ID part but I wouldn’t be getting too worked up about it all.

But then, like many others I was in pubs and clubs (with my parents full knowledge) at 16.

I went to pubs and bars from 6th form age, so around 16 / 17. I had to give others the money to buy drinks as I looked young for my age.
I was quite good then (before I'd left home) and stuck to 4 drinks max.

That said everything's much stricter now?

I don’t get it either! OPs daughter will be able to go into any bar/club/pub and drink what she likes in little over ONE year so why is it so horrifying and ‘concerning’ that she wanted to have a couple of drinks in a bar.

In my experience Sixth Form is when a lot of teens begin showing an interest in ‘going out’ clubbing or to a pub.

Obviously this isn’t always easily done due to ID restrictions but as you closely approach the legal age to do so, is it REALLY that shocking?

I think teens who have zero interest in drinking alcohol or going to a bar at 17 will likely have zero interest in doing it at 18.

I was raving all night at 16 !! Haha. And that was in the 90s. Pubs seem tame compared

20??? I was at university at 18 ! We were 9ur every night in bars

I think you sound like a great mum op.

You had an instinct this wasn't what you're comfortable with, and are doing something about it. You appear to have a really good relationship with her, and communicate well. Boundaries are there to be tested and re-drawn, you're not a robot that will always get things right, so be kind to yourself.

Discuss your thoughts, concerns, etc with her. Freedom within boundaries - and the ones you're suggesting sound very sensible.

This.

Also don’t really understand how you can ‘allow’ or ‘not allow’ an 18/19 year old adult to do something 😅