What age do you allow teens to go to bars in town on a night out?

[marshmalloo]

My DD is 17 in January.

This year she has been to a couple of festivals, several house parties and when on holiday with us in the summer been allowed to have some cocktails etc.

I allow her to take a set amount of alcohol to a house party in an attempt to avoid her getting her hands on whatever else is going - this tactic seems to work well as so far, she hasn't come home steaming or sick or anything.

Since starting college she has started wanting to go to bars in town at the weekend - she has a first date last week and went to a bar with him and they had a few drinks, again, home on time not seemingly "drunk"

I feel like the floodgates are open now and not sure if it's ok?

Also aware if I forbid her to go she may start sneaking around and lying.

She went to a house party last night but on checking her location she was actually in town.

I need to have a conversation with her and set boundaries for going in town but a bit stumped about what is appropriate?

I was up to allsorts by her age and didn't have any open communication with my mum about any of this stuff.

She is youngest of 3 - DD, now 24 is autistic and at this age was very anxious and rarely if ever sociakised, DS now 21 didn't drink alcohol at this age at all due to competitive sport and wanting to succeed in this so it's a new dilemma.

Are you sure your DD was with who she says she was? Have you met the boyfriend? Did he pick her up from home? Bring her home?
I'm in south London and the chances of 2 16yos having fake id decent enough to get them drinks in a pub/bar are ridiculously small round here.
My DS was refused a cider with a meal which I ordered when out as a family when he was 20 because he didn't have id.

I don't think I'd let me 16 year olds have a date in a bar. Cinema / cafe or food yes. Not a bar.
It seems if she's lieing already your tactics really didn't work.

But this is what your DD is doing?

I was going to bars at 15 but my mum would have gone apeshit if she'd known. There is no way I'd be condoning doing this to my children, right up until they were 18. Even if I knew they were doing it behind my back I certainly wouldn't be enabling and encouraging them to break the law.

@marshmalloo you sound like a fantastic parent IMO. The way you’ve dealt with this I admire.

I think you’ve done the right thing completely. Thing is you can’t stop a 16 nearly 17 year old from going out and experimenting (god knows we all did it back in the 90s! We were going into pubs and even clubs at 14/15/16 with or without parents permission!). They will do it behind your back at that age if you say a definite NO, much better to communicate with them and come to a compromise. My parents compromise/boundary was yes you can go but we are picking you up at a set time. I know times have changed but young people haven’t. They knew we had alcohol btw but we never went crazy and we always looked out for one another (BTW I think 14/15 is too young so am not condoning that).

I reflect a lot on my (very middle class) youth and think yes maybe there was a little too much too soon and in a way a bit too much freedom but also I really respect my parents for allowing me the freedom and for trusting me and meeting me in the middle. For not just banning it. Because trust me I would’ve found a way to get to that club to dance come hell or high water!

I agree with other posters that a) you sound like a great mum and b) kids are more likely to drink to excess and/ or take drugs at a house party or festival and I would not get hung up on the dangers of going to a bar. In my experience it’s hit and miss whether they’ll get served and the cost tends to keep the drinking down a bit. Unfortunately parental control is slipping at this age, it’s a process of continual negotiation, sticking to some boundaries (eg time curfew) and trying not to be too judgemental. You have my sympathy because it’s very hard and I’m still working on it (mine are a bit older).

18

this is a damn good point

two 16 year olds both getting served… either phenomenal fake ID plus lax server OR she wasn’t with a 16 year old boy

Mine didn't get fake id's until at least 17 1/2. I think Y13 when some of the year group is turning 18. Before that only for gigs with early finish.

Hardly. Girls especially look older, and many 18 year olds look young. Fake ID is realistic.

16 year old girl and 16 year old boy in a pub? would be a newbie server to serve them both

because it’s not looking above 18 these days

Its looking above 25

No it isn't.

You have to look over 25 to not be asked ID.

If you look under you have to provide ID.

They don't not serve someone with what looks like valid ID just because they look young.

Any bar i have been to recently (admittedly only a handful this entire year!), two 16 year
olds sitting there on a Saturday night on a first date would have stuck out like a sore thumb!

Why would you DD already have top notch fake ID if this was the first time she’s ever been to a bar Op?

I was 16, almost 17 when I started drinking in bars. This was about 20 years ago so they weren't as strict with ID. But I enjoyed myself and I knew my limits with alcohol. I had randy men going too far, but honestly I still get this now when I go to a bar and being exposed to it made me wise up to what men can be like.

@speedmop why are you pushing this so hard? There’s somewhere in every town where you can get served. There’s also places where it’s a bit easier to get away with it - like where you order your drinks on an app and they get brought to your table. Kids know all the tricks.

She definitely wasn't with an older man, she was sending me snap chats from the bar with them both in, I think he went to the bar for the drinks not her. They had 2for1 on cocktails and had two each.

The id she uses is her cousins whose just a couple years older and they look fairly similar, it's a provisional licence.

She got it off her for Leeds festival.

@speedmop why are you so bothered?

I've had a good chat with her over dinner and said that we need to review boundaries around going out.

She said she went into town after being at the party for a while as it was "dead" so she went to meet a friend who was out in town that wasn't at the party.

She went to one bar , a different one , again a pretty popular, busy one and got in.

A trick they use is changing their social media to the name on the ID so if the bouncers ask to check it matches up.

But she said they checked id and didn't ask anything just let her in.

Anyway I've explained that im not happy about her presumption that she can just go off into town without saying , her defence "I wasn't hiding it, you have my location and I was in on time"

Bars in Town is off limits , restaurants etc fine

And reminded her that anything she thinks I shouldn't know is definitely not allowed as I'm so liberal with what she is allowed so there has to be a limit and boozing it up in town is beyond what I'm comfortable with. She did seem to get it when I said when you pretend you're an adult you're going to be treated as one but you're still a child.

She was pretty accepting of it , especially when I make the point that the boundaries are because she's precious and I care and not about making her miserable but keeping her safe and also saving some of the milestones instead of been there and done that on everything before she's even 18.

We'll see !

why? because i see what the op describes as something to be concerned about.

The fact her 16year old daughter suggested doing to a pub for drinks on their first date

the fact she already had id (and likely very good if successful at 16 on a saturday night) despite this being first time

and the fact that she had a few drinks and wasn’t even tipsy

But i will bow out 🤷

Her cousin has given her her provisional license?

So she’s not learning to drive 😦 because you need it

and then when you pass, in order to get your driving license you need to send in your provisional

weird

I imagine because her teens are imaginary. I probably thought the same when mine were young/none existent.

Talking with her as per your update is the best thing you can do. She isn't keeping secrets which means so much, she is much safer being honest with you.

@speedmop you don't have to have your provisional on you to learn to drive

You will need your provisional driving licence in order to take any driving lessons or driving courses. Your driving instructor will ask to see this before you start any of your driving lessons.

my “imaginary” teens 😆

Simply because i would be genuinely concerned about this

ok i’ll hide thread

all the best op