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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What age do you allow teens to go to bars in town on a night out?

150 replies

marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 07:07

My DD is 17 in January.

This year she has been to a couple of festivals, several house parties and when on holiday with us in the summer been allowed to have some cocktails etc.

I allow her to take a set amount of alcohol to a house party in an attempt to avoid her getting her hands on whatever else is going - this tactic seems to work well as so far, she hasn't come home steaming or sick or anything.

Since starting college she has started wanting to go to bars in town at the weekend - she has a first date last week and went to a bar with him and they had a few drinks, again, home on time not seemingly "drunk"

I feel like the floodgates are open now and not sure if it's ok?

Also aware if I forbid her to go she may start sneaking around and lying.

She went to a house party last night but on checking her location she was actually in town.

I need to have a conversation with her and set boundaries for going in town but a bit stumped about what is appropriate?

I was up to allsorts by her age and didn't have any open communication with my mum about any of this stuff.

She is youngest of 3 - DD, now 24 is autistic and at this age was very anxious and rarely if ever sociakised, DS now 21 didn't drink alcohol at this age at all due to competitive sport and wanting to succeed in this so it's a new dilemma.

OP posts:
Artesia · 06/10/2024 08:25

FerienInLipizza · 06/10/2024 07:44

I can't understand the bit where you are giving her alcohol at 16 OP.

I got up to all sorts as a PP said upthread but not at 16. It was house parties and hanging around with them in parks and outside but not going to bars and clubs. It's all a bit too soon.

The genie is out of the bottle a bit here so I suggest you talk to her about her location and how she goes on but frame it that you see her as very trustworthy and sensible in the hope that she sees herself in the same light and behaves accordingly.

I'd disagree- house parties or hanging out in the park are far more dangerous. I've seen far more issues from those, where kids turn up with bottles or spirits and drink way to much, than bars where they are limited by what the can afford.

BeMintBee · 06/10/2024 08:27

I was out in town at 16 but at the risk of sounding very old it was very different 30 years ago. I have teen sons and the thing to keep in mind OP isn’t particularly the alcohol consumption these days but the recreational drug use. I’m not completely naive about drugs but I am shocked at how easily and frequently drugs are used amongst DS’s friends on a night in large because alcohol is more expensive.

Your DD may not dabble in the drugs but they will be easily and cheaply on offer and she will be in the company of others who are taking them.

DS has been very open with me and we’ve had many endless discussions. Fortunately in a bizarre way (because it’s a curse most of the time) he suffers which extreme Heath anxiety so is fearful of pretty much anything and everything when it comes to his body!

AnotherEmma · 06/10/2024 08:30

"She went to a house party last night but on checking her location she was actually in town."

This is not ok. You need to know where she is. Lying (directly or by omission) is undermining the trust you've put in her so far by allowing her to go to house parties and festivals. You need to have a frank conversation with her about all this. Where is she getting the fake ID from? If I were you I'd confiscate the fake ID and tell her she's not to get another. If she does it again she won't be allowed to go to house parties either.

When I was about 17 I managed to get into bars and clubs but they were less strict about ID then, I didn't use fake ID. If your DD wants to try her luck without ID, she can give it a go, but it'll be a boring and frustrating night out!

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 06/10/2024 08:30

Using fake ID is a criminal activity. This can obviously have consequences. So if you know she has fake id (including taking someone else’s), you need to put a stop to that.

TerfTalking · 06/10/2024 08:31

DS (July born) used to go out on fake ID after he finished sixth form so the May before he turned 18, all but one of his mates were already 18 so ID was often shared amongst his peer group.

I wasn’t happy but I couldn’t see what difference a couple of months made especially since he had the misfortune to be one of the youngest.

I think 16 is far too early and vulnerable.

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:34

@speedmop I don't think she forced or coerced him , I was making the point that it wasn't the scenario that you originally assumed - that an adult man had taken her to a bar.

That it was in fact her suggestion, after their nandos to go to a bar.

It sounded like a nice date, they went for a walk afterwards and both got last busses home - DD remained in touch throughout, was home on time and didn't appear drunk.

I daresay less alcohol was consumed and more food eaten than if it had been a house party scenario. It all sounded very pleasant but, as per my post , too grown up too soon.

You seem determined to view my DD as an off the rails nightmare, she really isn't.

OP posts:
PonkyPonky · 06/10/2024 08:35

I’m of the opinion that she’ll do it anyway, she’ll just lie about it if you ban it. I had to lie to my mum all the time as a teenager and consequently no one really knew where I was and I got into some very unsafe situations. If I were you I would encourage her to do something other than go out in town but I wouldn’t outright ban it as you’ll lose the open and honest relationship you currently have which is what’s keeping her safe right now. Perhaps talk to her about why it’s not appropriate for a 16 year old to be in bars and clubs and the dangers that go with that. Is she educated on drink spiking etc?

girlgonenorth · 06/10/2024 08:38

FrenchandSaunders · 06/10/2024 07:20

16 is a bit young. Mine were 17, they all had fake ID.

Totally this, I’ve got three in early 20’s and they all started going to birthday parties in bar/clubs or to Spoons or to see music in the pub when they were 17. Everybody had fake ID

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:38

I agree with all of the posts that new boundaries are needed as last night's lying by omission has over stepped the boundary and therefore I need to revoke some freedoms and nip it in the bud.

She's a good kid but definitely of the 3 of them has needed more careful "management" the other two, for reasons stated above weren't interested in partying until much older!

OP posts:
LouiseTopaz · 06/10/2024 08:42

I used to go to bars and clubs when I was 16, most of the time I drank very little bit at that age you don't really know how much you can handle and a few times I got carried away. Obviously there's also a lot of older people in these bars who won't know someone is 16 but looks a lot younger, I think it made me a target and my drink was once spiked.

usernother · 06/10/2024 08:43

You sound like one of those 'cool' parents OP. Of course you shouldn't be condoning her going to bars at 16 and giving her alcohol.

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:44

PonkyPonky · 06/10/2024 08:35

I’m of the opinion that she’ll do it anyway, she’ll just lie about it if you ban it. I had to lie to my mum all the time as a teenager and consequently no one really knew where I was and I got into some very unsafe situations. If I were you I would encourage her to do something other than go out in town but I wouldn’t outright ban it as you’ll lose the open and honest relationship you currently have which is what’s keeping her safe right now. Perhaps talk to her about why it’s not appropriate for a 16 year old to be in bars and clubs and the dangers that go with that. Is she educated on drink spiking etc?

This is exactly my experience - it fills me with dread the situations I ended up in but I could never ask for help as I was supposed to be soundly asleep at a friend's after spending the evening studying (yeah right!)

My mother was so very uninvolved - my two sisters and I had very rocky teen years for all sorts of reasons.

My goal is an Open and honest, supportive, realistic and loving relationship with them but with boundaries and concern about where they are and how they're getting home.

I'm not far off , and we have a great relationship that I'm really grateful for.

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:45

LouiseTopaz · 06/10/2024 08:42

I used to go to bars and clubs when I was 16, most of the time I drank very little bit at that age you don't really know how much you can handle and a few times I got carried away. Obviously there's also a lot of older people in these bars who won't know someone is 16 but looks a lot younger, I think it made me a target and my drink was once spiked.

This is a worry , by lying about being 18 you're presenting yourself as an adult to all that are in the establishment and could invite unwelcome attention from men who believe you to be at least 18.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/10/2024 08:47

I personally wouldn't ban her from going into town but would be very strict on no fake ID which effectively means it's pointless for her to go into town. I mean, they could still go to restaurants etc, but they won't be able to go into places needing ID.

You sound like a great mum btw!

Kitkat1523 · 06/10/2024 08:47

CurlewKate · 06/10/2024 08:15

Where did she get her fake ID?

Her mates likely……when mine were at school my DD used to borrow a provisional driving licence from her mate….her mate had got it for 50 quid from an 18 year old neighbour ( who had then informed DVLA he had lost his and got another one for 20 quid)

Sassybooklover · 06/10/2024 09:03

Your daughter is 16. Going into a bar/pub and drinking alcohol is illegal. Yes, we all did it years ago, but back then bars/pubs weren't very hot on ID. Nowadays, if you look under 25, they can ask and refuse to serve you. Your daughter is either using fake ID or older people are buying her alcohol. At 16, even if she is nearly 17, if she were to find herself in a bad situation, would she have the emotional maturity to get herself out of it safely? By going into bars/pubs, she's mixing with much older people, who may think she's older than her years. She may very well be 'sensible', but at 16, the odds are stacked against her for the possibility of her making a bad decision because she's been drinking. She told you, she was going to a house party, yet actually went into town to a local bar. How many house parties can there actually be?! Unless you have a set of parents constantly away, there can't be that many?!!! I wouldn't want hordes of teenagers around my house for a 'house party' every weekend!! So, is a 'house party' just another way of saying 'going into town', because she knows you'd be more amenable to a house party? My honest opinion is that you need a serious chat with her. However, she now has a taste for alcohol, and I'm not sure you'll get very far.

Savingthehedgehogs · 06/10/2024 09:04

First dates at this age are usually cinema, bowling, lunch etc not bars op!! She is 16!

Allowing her to drink, go to festivals unsupervised, and to bars in town is not ideal at all. Teens need a lot of guidance and support op. She is not an adult! And won’t be for years.

TheaBrandt · 06/10/2024 09:08

My Dd is nearly 16 too she is very confident socially and is always out and about. She does not go to bars and has never asked to. If they go out the favourite is Wagamama’s - maybe suggest that?

Savingthehedgehogs · 06/10/2024 09:09

I am sorry your own teen years were so rocky and unsupported. It makes it hard to know the limits and boundaries if you had none yourself. You may not know what’s normal or not.

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 09:13

@Sassybooklover I'm pretty confident that a house party is usually a house party.

These aren't parents are away house parties , in her group there are a few there are regularly allowed to have them. most of them big houses where I think the parents aren't as bothered by the noise etc

We usually drop off/pick up or she gets last bus home with friend.

I don't let her have parties here, our house is smaller and it would stress me out.

She also has to have her location shared with me and her dad, until last night it's always at the house she's said shes at.

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 09:16

@Savingthehedgehogs thank you for acknowledging that, I think this is definitely contributing to where we've ended up with this. I had very clear ideas about how I didn't want to raise them but not the experience to draw on of how it should be.

I go to therapy and we discuss patenting and boundaries alot, it is very much a thing I am consciously trying to be really intentional about but judging by as lot of these posts and my gut instincts I've gone a bit wrong here :(

OP posts:
RuthW · 06/10/2024 09:17

How times have changed. I was going in bars at 14 and getting served (1980s).

Nowdays they are very hot on id anyway.

It's not something I'd be bothered about with dd. She's 27 now so past that stage.

TheaBrandt · 06/10/2024 09:20

It’s not easy. I would be a little firmer for another year. The bouncers and bar staff will do your job for you. We sat in a bar as a family in central London to kill time before a show and were asked to leave as one of us was under 16 she was only having coke!

Delphiniumandlupins · 06/10/2024 09:27

She's threatening the livelihood of anywhere she's buying or consuming alcohol with her fake ID. Not something we generally consider at that age but might be a point worth making. You need to come down hard over her not being where she was meant to be because that's just unsafe. However invulnerable she feels she is more at risk as a child than an adult would be.

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 09:27

Trying not to slip into shame here.

I know I'm a great mother, not perfect but I'm proud of my kids and the humans they are - kind, considerate, witty, hard working, great friends to others , able to express and regulate emotions, 2 of 3 (the older ones) have really nice boyfriend/girlfriend and healthy relationships, all talk to me when things are tough and they all have close relationships with each other and most importantly to me they feel loved and have self worth. Have nice friends around them and are all engaged in study and/or gainful employment.

I've messed up with the freedom/trust balance in this instance but i hope I can contain it.

OP posts:
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