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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What age do you allow teens to go to bars in town on a night out?

150 replies

marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 07:07

My DD is 17 in January.

This year she has been to a couple of festivals, several house parties and when on holiday with us in the summer been allowed to have some cocktails etc.

I allow her to take a set amount of alcohol to a house party in an attempt to avoid her getting her hands on whatever else is going - this tactic seems to work well as so far, she hasn't come home steaming or sick or anything.

Since starting college she has started wanting to go to bars in town at the weekend - she has a first date last week and went to a bar with him and they had a few drinks, again, home on time not seemingly "drunk"

I feel like the floodgates are open now and not sure if it's ok?

Also aware if I forbid her to go she may start sneaking around and lying.

She went to a house party last night but on checking her location she was actually in town.

I need to have a conversation with her and set boundaries for going in town but a bit stumped about what is appropriate?

I was up to allsorts by her age and didn't have any open communication with my mum about any of this stuff.

She is youngest of 3 - DD, now 24 is autistic and at this age was very anxious and rarely if ever sociakised, DS now 21 didn't drink alcohol at this age at all due to competitive sport and wanting to succeed in this so it's a new dilemma.

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 07:55

legalseagull · 06/10/2024 07:54

I get the feeling g you KNOW she's too young just by the way you've tried to round her up to 17 rather than the 16 yea old she actually is.

Get a bloody grip OP. Shes a child.

This is probably fair , I realised this when I posted that I'd put emphasis on nearly 17, it's a fair cop!

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 07:57

@speedmop it's not "clearly" an over 18 who purchased her drinks. It is a boy her own age who both have ID of other people.

OP posts:
speedmop · 06/10/2024 07:58

marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 07:57

@speedmop it's not "clearly" an over 18 who purchased her drinks. It is a boy her own age who both have ID of other people.

Well he sounds great
taking your 16 year old on their first date together to a bar of all place

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 07:58

Neveragain35 · 06/10/2024 07:54

I would ask her how she’s going to afford it, a night out is pretty expensive these days!

I think it’s a bit young and I would stick to your guns. Of she does go I would want to know exactly where, who with, how she is getting home etc. guess a lot depends where you live and whether it’s a big city or a small local pub? At around the same age I was going out to pubs at weekends, we lived in a big student city and it was the nineties so it was pretty easy to get served.

My DD is the same age and I have done similar in allowing small amounts of alcohol at parties and family gatherings etc. She’s never mentioned going to bars though, tbh she couldn’t afford it!

She's got two part time jobs so this has accelerated the whole situation as she has more of her own money and less leverage for me to control her spending etc

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:00

You're all saying what I'm feeling - I felt comfortable with house parties, albeit still always relieved when she arrives home on time and in one piece !

But the going out in town does feel a step too far, too soon.

Regards the date, he had suggested nandos, I think it was my DD who made the suggestion of the bar !

OP posts:
speedmop · 06/10/2024 08:01

marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:00

You're all saying what I'm feeling - I felt comfortable with house parties, albeit still always relieved when she arrives home on time and in one piece !

But the going out in town does feel a step too far, too soon.

Regards the date, he had suggested nandos, I think it was my DD who made the suggestion of the bar !

Really?

FrangipaniBlue · 06/10/2024 08:04

OP I have a DS who is exactly the same age and a January birthday.

I also let him take a small amount of alcohol to the (very few) house parties he has been to, I drop him off and pick him up and so far he has been sensible like your DD!

We also buy him one alcoholic drink with a meal, if he wants one but he doesn't always.

However, bars in town and fake ID are a hard no from me!! Some of his friends have them but he knows I'd come down like a ton of bricks and the freedom he's been allowed so far would stop if he pushed his luck too far 😂

Kitkat1523 · 06/10/2024 08:04

speedmop · 06/10/2024 07:37

more likely the guy who’s taken a 16 year old out on a first date to a bar

I would be very worried if i was the op

Show quote history

most ‘town’ bars where I am won’t allow anyone without ID in after 9pm ….even wehties has security doormen after 9pm……but it’s a farce really….I know my own DD got in bars with borrowed ID loads, borrowed from friends who didn’t really look like her.

Christmastinsel78 · 06/10/2024 08:05

She's 16, still a child, way to young for pubs and clubs. (I say that as an adult who was allowed to go out underage!)

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 06/10/2024 08:07

Well getting caught using id fraudulently is up to 10 years in prison isn’t it?

So really stop her doing that!

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:08

It does all feel a year too soon and I'm reflecting on the hand we've played in this by allowing the limited alcohol.

My aim has been to remain really connected with my kids and not impose strict sanctions then turn a blind eye. I think I've possibly knee jerked to avoid how it was with my very absent and passive mother (she used to forbid me from doing anything, I'd pretend to conform, do it sneakily and was regularly in really unsafe situations).

I want her to know she has my unconditional support, that If she is in a situation she needs help with she won't be shamed.

She's an amazing kid, hard working, kind, respectful, good company. I know a lot of how I've managed her up to now has worked really well but yeah, this is definitely not sitting right with me so needs some adjustments.

What's the saying about closing the gate when horse has bolted? I take responsibility that we've ended up here because of how we've played it up until this point , hopefully she will respond well to my concerns but I'm worried now she's had a taste of it , shell be more motivated to be sneaky - hence being in town last night when she was apparently at a house party !

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:09

What do you mean really ? Which part are you referring to?

OP posts:
Neveragain35 · 06/10/2024 08:09

I also meant to add, if you think she lied to you and went into town rather than the house party last night OP then I would be having serious words. I have always drummed it into the DC that I need to know where they are so I know they are safe.

We live in a beach town and round here the DC like to go down to the beach in the evenings in the summer. I always had pretty strict curfews and my line was always that after a certain time it becomes an adult place, not suitable for teens/kids, the atmosphere is different, and it’s not them I don’t trust it’s other people.

Could you also throw in some cautionary tales from your own youth? I do this all the time!

speedmop · 06/10/2024 08:09

how many is a “few”?

at 16, one drink would have had my tipsy!

Bellaboot · 06/10/2024 08:09

My 16 nearly 17 DS has been about 4 times to local pubs with mates. Usually only out for an hour or so. I think some of them have been served, one mate had his brothers ID and another pub didn't check. They have also been refused entry at all on one occasion. He has alwaya arrived home around 11.

I had a situation a couple of weeks back when he wanted to go into London and meet a stranger he'd been talking to online, this didn't happen and I'll take the local pub outings with local mates happily in comparison.

speedmop · 06/10/2024 08:10

marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:09

What do you mean really ? Which part are you referring to?

Your 16 year old said to the guy she was going on a first date to… let’s go to a pub for some drinks?

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:11

FrangipaniBlue · 06/10/2024 08:04

OP I have a DS who is exactly the same age and a January birthday.

I also let him take a small amount of alcohol to the (very few) house parties he has been to, I drop him off and pick him up and so far he has been sensible like your DD!

We also buy him one alcoholic drink with a meal, if he wants one but he doesn't always.

However, bars in town and fake ID are a hard no from me!! Some of his friends have them but he knows I'd come down like a ton of bricks and the freedom he's been allowed so far would stop if he pushed his luck too far 😂

I've always said this that I trust them but if they abuse that trust they'll lose that freedom - looks like the time is now to have the conversation that I feel the boundary has been overstepped.

The festivals this summer have definitely blurred the lines.

OP posts:
Lovelynames123 · 06/10/2024 08:12

I was in bars at late 15, with my mum's permission and a fake id, although was much easier nearly 30 years ago. I had to get the last bus home, I never got drunk and I still had to ask to go up until I was 18. It wasn't a regular thing but my dps always knew where I was.

I think if you drill openness and honestly into her with some reasonable boundaries, and agree that any problems you'll pick her up, no questions asked (until the next day when you address it calmly)

We all did it, she will do it, so make sure you know where she is, who she's with and give her a non negotiable curfew

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:13

@speedmop yes that's right !

OP posts:
speedmop · 06/10/2024 08:14

marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:13

@speedmop yes that's right !

if i was the boy’s mother, id be concerned!

CurlewKate · 06/10/2024 08:15

Where did she get her fake ID?

Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:16

Lovelynames123 · 06/10/2024 08:12

I was in bars at late 15, with my mum's permission and a fake id, although was much easier nearly 30 years ago. I had to get the last bus home, I never got drunk and I still had to ask to go up until I was 18. It wasn't a regular thing but my dps always knew where I was.

I think if you drill openness and honestly into her with some reasonable boundaries, and agree that any problems you'll pick her up, no questions asked (until the next day when you address it calmly)

We all did it, she will do it, so make sure you know where she is, who she's with and give her a non negotiable curfew

This is the arrangement I've been aiming for - and I think the reasonable boundaries have suddenly got a bit loose for my comfort so I will have a chat with DD about adjusting them.

We have a code word for any time any of them are in a situation that they need rescuing from , no questions asked (until everything is settled)

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:17

@speedmop fair enough , your concern would be misplaced but I understand where you're coming from.

OP posts:
Neveragain35 · 06/10/2024 08:20

Could your 21yo DS have a word with her? Would she listen to him?

speedmop · 06/10/2024 08:22

marshmalloo · 06/10/2024 08:17

@speedmop fair enough , your concern would be misplaced but I understand where you're coming from.

i think you’d be too

your 16 year old DS suggests nando’s for a first date
the 16 year old girl says “no, let’s go to a bar. for some drinks”