What age do you allow teens to go to bars in town on a night out?

[marshmalloo]

My DD is 17 in January.

This year she has been to a couple of festivals, several house parties and when on holiday with us in the summer been allowed to have some cocktails etc.

I allow her to take a set amount of alcohol to a house party in an attempt to avoid her getting her hands on whatever else is going - this tactic seems to work well as so far, she hasn't come home steaming or sick or anything.

Since starting college she has started wanting to go to bars in town at the weekend - she has a first date last week and went to a bar with him and they had a few drinks, again, home on time not seemingly "drunk"

I feel like the floodgates are open now and not sure if it's ok?

Also aware if I forbid her to go she may start sneaking around and lying.

She went to a house party last night but on checking her location she was actually in town.

I need to have a conversation with her and set boundaries for going in town but a bit stumped about what is appropriate?

I was up to allsorts by her age and didn't have any open communication with my mum about any of this stuff.

She is youngest of 3 - DD, now 24 is autistic and at this age was very anxious and rarely if ever sociakised, DS now 21 didn't drink alcohol at this age at all due to competitive sport and wanting to succeed in this so it's a new dilemma.

A bit young for bars really. A few drinks at home or a friend’s house/party is more the norm at this age.

I’m amazed she can get alcohol in a bar. Maybe the bars where I live are particularly strict but they would ask to see the ID of all people in the group, even if the person actually buying the drinks has shown ID.

Those saying 16 is too young for festivals, Reading and Leeds are full of that age group. They collect their GCSE results and head straight off. It’s a rite of passage around here (south London).

My DD went again at 18 and said she was too old 🤣

Ah @marshmalloo it's a bloody minefield isn't it.

It's trying to balance where they are at maturity wise, peer groups, working adds another element. I think if my own 16 year old, he has no interest from a health perspective but is training for a marathon. So my brain is doing different gymnastics for the same reason different circumstances.

We see our own children's strengths and challenges. And then unfortunately we have to add in the what ifs and the risks out there.

I think it's admirable you are questioning your decision, sure how else are we to learn. None of them come with a manual. Wishing you and your family health and happiness.

Don’t be hard on yourself! Just row back abit offer other options Nando’s / Wagamama’s. Most nearly 16 year olds have moved on from hanging out in town they go to each others houses. Does she have a nice established group of friends?

It’s so important to keep communication open so don’t go in too hard but yes I would firm up boundaries.

I used to go to bars and clubs at 16 when you hardly ever needed ID. To be honest, I don’t know why people think it’s worse going to a bar than a house party. You can’t control how much alcohol your child has access to as she’s not going to stick to what you gave her, plus drugs are rife at these house parties, as my own child described to me. He’s very against drugs but I would get a description of everything that happened there. I personally wouldn’t be bothered about the odd drink in a bar, if they could even get served regularly.

I have a table booked later anyway for just me and her to go for Sunday roast - I'll have a chat then about dialling it back for a while longer.

Grateful for the input and opportunity to hash it out a bit before I speak to her.

I'm in therapy at the moment and we do talk about parenting and boundaries alot ; reparenting yourself whilst parenting ain't easy!

At the very least I'm hoping to avoid my kids spending their 40s in therapy

So they went to nando’s and then pub?
Tbf that wasn’t what you originally said
16 year old boy suggested nando’s
16 year old girl suggested pub

My point is… i would be concerned if my 16 year old was the one suggesting going to the pub “for a few drinks”

and any pub that serves two 16 yr olds is lax about ID (let’s be honest, the fake IDs they have won’t be MI5 level!) and prob a bit of a seedy hole anyway

Not so long ago there was a thread where everyone was in agreement about their 16 hear old sons going travelling around Europe with friends so I'm surprised to see this response here.
IMO your daughter isn't old enough for bars and at 16 doesn't have the skills to deal with all the hundreds of things that can go wrong when visiting adult venues. I was allowed to go to bars and clubs when I was 15 and it really didn't work out well for me and I wish I'd been parented a bit more.

It’s illegal for bars and pubs to serve 16 year olds. They might have been lax 30 or 40 years ago but not now, unless it’s a really seedy place. They could lose their licence.

First she was being bought drinks by older men and now she's in a seedy hole with a boy she's coerced to drink alcohol with her.
@speedmop
It was a "naice" bar in our large, well known city centre. I was also surprised that they managed to get in to be honest, and I think the fact they did has spurred her on to experience it again and has been sneaky about it - which is a big worry, hence my thread, me taking it seriously , considering it and will be discussing it with her today and moving forward with new boundaries.

You said
he suggested nando’s
your daughter said drinks in bar

16

I would be concerned if my 16 year old daughter was suggesting drinks in a pub a for a first date. But you don’t and that’s fine because she’s your daughter 🤷

Hi OP, just wanted to offer a little support. I envy your daughter having a mum like you who pays attention and cares so much. My mother was a cold and distant presence in my teens.
And it's not your fault our society is saturated in pro alcohol propaganda! Alcohol is of course a neurotoxin and has no safe level of consumption. I knew this myself on one level but still drank too much as a young adult, and I drank too much for too many years as an adult.
It's a fine line obviously when speaking to teenagers your daughters age about alcohol. Well done from this random Internet stranger for trying! And enjoy your Sunday lunch.

You sound like a committed and loving mother. It’s hard raising teens and knowing how much freedom should be allowed. You are working really hard to do the right thing for your dd, and sound like a lovely mother.

I don’t think it would take much to say you would prefer she gave the bars a hard swerve until she is older and that you support her to make good choices around alcohol. Empowering her to make sensible decisions herself is def the right way to go.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit thank you so much for your support, it's funny you should say that as I was talking to my husband last night, and was emotional about it - I envy our kids having me as a mum and him as a dad - it would have been beyond my wildest dreams to have the love, stability and support we give them. I can't imagine how it would have impacted on my life, my self worth, confidence and experience to have felt like I mattered and was worthy of that presence. to you XXX

@Savingthehedgehogs thank you, it's so lovely to be validated as doing my best. And you're right, I'm probably overthinking it, we can chat about it and come up with some new ground rules.

You sound like a great parent to me, OP. Not defensive, not judgemental. Your DC are lucky.

@marshmalloo you are a great mother! I'm following for tips because I know my 14 year old is going to test me too. My teen years were full of lying and getting myself into unsafe situations (thankfully, we all turned out ok).

She's let you down by lying about her whereabouts last night. She's got older siblings and is trying to be grown up. It's a difficult one. It's just typical teenage behaviour, testing boundaries. My main concern would be going to bars with older men (who may be drawn to her youth 🤢). I hope you can have a reasonable conversation over lunch today, but you sound like a lovely, caring mother. Good luck!

@Artesia you might be right. In fact I'm sure you are. It's been a while since I was a 16yo and it's a different world now.

I remember being invited to a bottle party with my bestie but we were too young to buy alcohol so...imagine this as it is absolutely true. Our geography teacher bought us a 2l bottle of cider to take to the party!

She saw us hanging around outside International Stores and asked us what was up.

We were not out of control kids and she was a brilliant teacher. It was a different time and things were slacker in a lot of ways in that respect but my parents would have kicked our arses so hard if we had 'let them down' so we never did and because kids in general had a tight leash on, things didn't seem to get so out of hand back then. We would have drunk some of it but not got to the point we were pissing and vomming in the street like they are when they come out of clubs nowadays.

The most drunk I got as a youngster was sitting in a mates bedroom listening to music and drinking vodka. Still can't stand the stuff forty years later and I drink very rarely as an adult.

Your dd sounds great, you can just talk it through and agree together. If you are able to continue the dialogue you will sail the teen years. It’s the availability to listen, and openness that will make all the difference.

I agree you sound like a great mum. I’ve got a DD who is 16 and we are really close and have a very good relationship but 16 year olds to tend to think they are more grown up than they actually are and my DD has also pushed the boundaries in the past. I would definitely have the conversation with her about trust and that going to bars at her age isn’t an appropriate environment for a 16 year old for all the reasons previously given.

I too think your DD sounds great.

Having a close parent goes massively towards stopping anything really bad happening to teens I think.

Really trying to not upset my DDad was the reason I didn't go as mad as I was encouraged to do by my peers. This was because I loved him so much and didn't want to hurt his feelings.

18. Surely it's illegal for her to fetch drinks at a bar younger? My son got hold of a fake ID but only used it to buy the odd six pack. He didn't go to bars.

My dd only started going out in town when she was 18yo, she was too worried about getting asked for ID before then.

Absolutely no way would I have allowed her going out at 16 in town.

There is a big difference between 16 GCSE and 16 sixth form/college.

House parties have there own risks, no adults, rooms available, easy access to alcohol and drugs.

Bars are more controlled.

What are you worried about, not vague stuff, what worries you in each situation? Approach it like a risk assessment.

Fe, near me there has been issues near a taxi rank. Therefore it has been agreed that they have to have transport booked, be that a parent or a pre-booked taxi that picks them up away from the rank area. And no getting in a car with someone you don't know.

Watching drinks is another, in bars and at house parties

Keeping communication open is the most important thing.