Son stopping over at girlfriends

[Carol52]

Really really need advice. My son is nearly 18 his girlfriend is 17. They have been together for 2 years. I know they have had sex and he goes for tea on a Monday??. However her mum had texted she is going away and asked if my son could stop. I just don't feel comfortable letting him stop over I appreciate her texting me. But I feeling uncomfortable saying yes.
Any advice am I being completely stupid. One of my son's friends has just found out he is going to be a dad. My son and his girlfriend is hopefully sensible and we have talked before about things but my gut feeling is to say no

You say you've had conversations with him about safe sex but in your OP you say "My son and his girlfriend is hopefully sensible".

I think you need to have a straight conversation with him about this. Ask what contraception they are using and what his girlfriend would choose to do if it fails. This is something they should have discussed but have they?

It may sound intrusive but I think it's important to have this adult to (almost) adult conversation.

I know it doesn’t sound it but they were, there’s a whole backstory to it. My older sister was a bit of a teenage tearaway who had an older boyfriend and went missing for days at a time after blow out arguments over the smallest things. In return my parents didn’t let me do a lot of things my peers were doing.
a lot of prep went into being allowed to go a way together, our parents met and all got on well. I was already going over a couple of times a week for tea, we both paid our way from our part time jobs, we tagged it onto a weekend away with his parents (they just left us down there and picked us back up at the end), his mum called the rental place to assure the owner that we were both very responsible 17 year olds. His aunt also live 20 mins down the road and said she’d check in on us (she left us alone!) My parents really liked my boyfriend because he was studying hard at a good school and had great ambitions for uni. But on the whole they were very controlling. I couldn’t get a lift to town to get the bus to his house if my room wasn’t spotless and chores done, I was never allowed to stay out after school, I wasn’t allowed to get the bus to the bigger town with my friends at the weekend. All things that now sound very whiney to list but at the time I did feel quite alienated from my peers when we all got to school on Monday morning and they had lots of inside jokes to tell.
Fast forward 16 years later and we are married with a baby here and one on the way. If it were my son I’d just reiterate (as OP has done) that there will be big consequences if a pregnancy happens now. But I can’t let him not do the things I was doing at 17! Gosh we used to go downstairs for dinner red faced - it’s embarrassing to think of now 🙈!
But I also know that we we’re incredibly responsible for our age, I went to not the best school and remember hearing girls at the age of 14 talking about how they’d have a kid by 18 so they could get on the list for a council house. I never wanted to be in a position where I didn’t have options so messing around wasn’t on the cards. Sounds like the son is a responsible boy if he’s been with the girl 2 years, a little trust goes a long way.

Nothing wrong with your parenting. You have been doing it for 18 years and he sounds responsible enough. Sorry if my comment was a bit blunt, not meant to come across that strongly. I’d relax the reigns and both enjoy your freedom a bit ☺️

Are they sensible? There are some 17yos who would be fine left alone for a week - and others I'd worry about trashing the house with a wild party, or burning the house down because they're not great in the kitchen. I'd be more concerned about that sort of thing than whether they have sex or not. I assume her Mum (who i infer is alao a single parent,) thinks it's fine, and might be happier leaving her daughter behind if he's there too rather than she's there alone.

This is nice to read and actually what these kind of forums are for - often people on here jump down peoples necks for questioning whether they’ve got it right, when this is exactly why you’ve asked the question: to get a different perspective.

I think your son is old enough to make his own decisions. Also great to have the safe sex chats even if he hates them. I’d be inclined to speak to his GF’s mum just to check whether she has also had the same conversation and offer support if she is thinking of having contraception too - ie going to the doctors with her. Obviously not all down to the gf, your DS should take responsibility for being safe but you can never be too careful!

Kudos to you, OP, for actually taking the feedback on board, reflecting on your own position and shifting your thinking. Not many posters actually do that.

@suburberphobe

are you fucking serious??

if my boyfriends mum had called my parents to ask about MY contraception all hell would have broken loose.

Jesus Christ.

(as it was my boyfriends Mum was amazing. I loved her & despite me being 55 now, I still miss her very much)

she wasn't 'permissive' either, she was just 'real'

@Carol52 well done for asking a question & actually taking on board the replies. It's very hard when something goes against what you think is right, but you're swimming upstream of the norm!!

Yes I do know they take precautions. And thanks for your messages

Fair play for being open about this OP. I was ok with my kids having their girlfriends/boyfriends stay over from 16/17 as long as they had been dating a while and were considerate. All their relationships were healthy, wholesome and settled so it was easy to feel comfortable with the boyfriends/girlfriends being in the house.
My kids knew that I was only ok about it as everyone was respectful etc. I wouldn't have let them bring a one night stand home.

You do realise sex can take place at any time of day? Exactly how much more risk is overnight?

You do know there is this maverlous invention called contraception these days ? ( as in the last 70....) Having sex does not generally lead to parenthood these days.

Op stated "nearly 18", it wasn't me rounding the ages up I'm just mirroring the age the op sees him at. If he's nearly 18, then his entire personality isn't exactly about to chance the second he turns 18 in the next few weeks or so jeez

Older teenagers/young adults are ridiculously babied now.

But you don't have to stay the night to get pregnant (or get an STI although I don't think this is relevant here). You can get pregnant at tea time or behind the bike sheds. The OP knows they are having sex already.

Aren't they just!

Ask him outright what contraception they are using. Make it clear that he’s watching his mate become a dad and you don’t want that for him, won’t be helping him, raising a child for him or paying for a child for him so they had better be using contraception.

I'm afraid this is very true. I think the reason is because that people now are more aware of the things that could happen, so younger children aren't given the same freedoms to become more independent as they grow, so it's more difficult for parents to let go when their children reach late teens/ young adults and therefore more difficult for those same late teens/young adults to actually BE independent

It is absolutely NONE of the OPs business to ask what contraception they are using. They are adults! (Well very very nearly) - and the chances are it's mainly the girl in charge of contraception she is taking or has had fitted, as the only thing a man can do is condoms. The OP or anyone has no right to know such personal medical details about this.

For fuck sake. The amount of mums beaking into their grown up children's lives like some sort of demented toucan is astonishing. If you've done a good enough job with educating sex in the early teens, then you shouldn't have to do this. You can only lead a horse to water so they say..

But don't go round asking your kids girlfriends or boyfriends questions about their medication. Some mums are so entitled. I doubt a dad would ask such a crass comment. Ridiculous.

@PregnantWithNumberTwo

It is when they are 17. It is exactly her responsibility to make sure her child (who is still a child) is using contraception, understands how it works and understands the consequences of not using it.

No it isn't. It is her responsibility to provide information . She can't mandate it! Have some sense. How exactly are you seeing that work on a practical level. 24 supervision, forcing a girl onto the pill?

It is really important that parents understand their boundaries. For their own sake . If a child is conceived it isn't a fault if you have provided contraception information.

I think you should stop trying to stop him stopping because now he's started he won't stop stopping.

Great that so many have replied. I have spoke to the girlfriends mum before mum and daughter went to drs and has the pill. My son says he does use condoms too. It's a hard job being a parent you just want to go the right thing

Asked if your son could "stop" what?