Duplicitous Daughter

[WhatCanIDoToSortThisOutNow]

I'm at a loss as to what to do about this bloody phone situation. She's had her (expensive) smart phone taken off her for not being honest about homework and taking my old phone to chat to her mates after bed time. I usually have her phone in my room at night to prevent that sort of thing.

I bought a cheap dumb phone earlier this week, which I was also taking off her at bedtime. I'd notified school to let them know that homework needed to be set on paper as she doesn't have access to the apps.

This morning, I find out that she's borrowed another smart phone from a friend and put her sim card in that! Apparently on Tuesday. I'm cross as well as disappointed. I had no idea she could be so deceitful.

What the hell do I do next?!

What do you mean 'not being honest about homework'?

Take a deep breath. Teenagers are designed to push boundaries. Don't give up! Keep doing what you are doing, stay calm, but consequences every time. Find a time to talk when you are both feeling even-tempered and explain the consequences. Then stick to them.

She said she'd done it, bur hadn't. Just been ticking the box. I had a phone call from physics teacher and emails from English and maths!

How old is she and what time do you take her phone?

15, and 9.30pm.

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm genuinely (naively) surprised she can be so sneaky! I wouldn't mind, but she's the youngest of three. The others have been.modtly OK!

She is really too old to be having her behaviour managed in this way (unless there are any SEN or other health/behavioural issues at play).

What does she want? What motivates her? Who is she talking to? Are she or her friends going through a tough time and she's promised to be there for them?

Talk to her and find out what's going on with the homework, is it too hard and she fronting as she's embarrassed? Is this a change of behaviour or has she always been reticent?

You can't always motivate teens with straight carrots and sticks unfortunately, and being "told" can set off an entirely defensive response and they focus on getting around the rules (very creatively!).

9:30 is extreme to be taking her phone. I understand why you don’t want her to have it all night but at 15 she needs more time.

I take it off her at 9.30pm because you're not supposed to be looking at screens for an hour before sleep. I thought I was being sensible!

She's got no SEN, and she usually is reasonably OK with getting on with homework.

We've always just got on with stuff, and got on well together, so this is new territory for me.
I have grounded her.for now. Only school, tutor and sport for the time being.
I'm trying to be strong!

What are school putting in place, I mean consequences? If she is already being punished at school should she be punished twice?
Schools in our area at this age with hold going to Prom, especially for girls this is a massive thing (not saying I agree).

Parental controls on her phone would be better than completely removing it so she can do her homework.

Block the WiFi so she can't be online at night too. Data use restrictions on her sim card.

She's 15 not an adult. She should be having her phone checked to see who she's talking too as well, clearly too many PPs are happy for their 15 year olds to be groomed. I'd be more concerned this sneaky behaviour to stay in contact was an adult man's influence than other teen girls.

9:30 is late enough, she should be off all screens an hour before bedtime.

This. All of it.

I'm rubbish with working out how phones work and I've tried googling how to put parental controls on it. And I haven't a clue how to do the WiFi thing either. I've never felt the need to. Obviously now I do!
I'll just have find someone who can help!

As for what pp said about grooming, now I'm scared! I need to gently tease whatever it is out of her

She's been given lunchtime detentions at school.

Natural consequences. Perfect.

On the tech stuff, how do you model good sleep hygiene, good boundaries around phones, no screens in bedrooms? Have you had conversations about the risks? Do you talk about mental health related to tech?

A 15 yo can have these conversations and come to sensible conclusions given some time and adult conversation. If you are combative and opposition, she absolutely will be too. Talking about your concerns, why you care about homework, why having tech-free bedrooms helps is much more effective than escalating punishments.

No she’s not too old for this. We need more parents to parent like this and then children would actually learn there are consequences to their actions. The school AND home should be setting sanctions, it doesn’t work if they get a detention at school and then nothing changes at home. I honestly would say the answer is to keep persevering. Speak to her about why you are disappointed and why you’ve set the consequence but then she must do it. Don’t bend.

Oh and reframe how you think of this. Teenagers are supposed to lie. Everyone does. They are still finding out when you lie. But lying is a skill.

There's a psychometric test which measures how duplicitous you are. One of the questions is something like, "do you regularly lie to loved ones?" If you answer 'no' barring neurodivergence and similar, it scores you as higher on the lying scale!

She's a normal teenager. Calling her duplicitous is not warranted.

Speak to her about why you are disappointed

Hi Mum! It didn't work.

Just let her have her phone.
She's 15. When older, she will use deceit more
to get her way, out of having no choice.
This is not good.

I think you're correct with the 9:30 phone deadline so long as you do the same.

I think you're wrong to punish the homework issue when school already give detention. You back the school up over the detention and try to find out why she has stopped doing homework.

Unground her, return the phone, get parental protections on ASAP, stick to the 9:30 screen end time, start talking to find out what's going on with school work.

Eh?

I do the same with my 15YO on school nights for the exact same reason. It’s not unreasonable at all and there’s plenty of time to do homework on the phone before then. She doesn’t need her phone later than that on a school night.

@Combattingthemoaners my mum used to punish me and emotionally manipulate me. She still does. I still lie to her. She's in her 80s. I just got really good at lying.

I parent DD completely differently and so far she's a very different teenager than I was. And, BTW, really responsible with her phone.

9:30 is perfectly reasonable. I'm astounded by people saying no punishment is required because the school will deal with it. No wonder so many kids are out of control these days.