DS’s girlfriend is pregnant.

[Mondayblues6]

DS is 17 years old and his girlfriend is 16. They have been sleeping together a few months. I talked to him about contraception but he told me his girlfriend was not keen keen to go on the pill but they used condoms. Today he he told me that his girlfriend is 6 weeks pregnant. They are both very upset. They have already told his girlfriend’s mum and she has arranged for her to have an abortion. My son’s girlfriend is so upset that she will never get over this and that she is doing the wrong thing. My son is being very supportive and has told his girlfriend that he will support any decision she makes. My son is so sad and responsible that this happened. I have given him a hig and told him I will be there for them both. What else can I do?

Implying that a 16 year old CHILD should proceed with the pregnancy because she might experience fertility problems in the next 2.5-3 DECADES is absolutely off the charts absurd.

a) that is highly unlikely
b) better to never give birth than to give birth as a child in ill-advised, imprudent, unplanned-for, unsustainable circumstances that won't provide a good home or upbringing for the potential new human being.

I disagree with this. Monumental mistakes to make as a 17 year old:

Driving under the influence of drugs/alcohol that results in death or injury
Speeding/dangerous driving that results in death or injury
Theft, GBH etc that results in a criminal record
Fights, GBH etc that results in life changing harm to self or another person
Stupid decisions without proper risk management eg jumping off a bridge or cliff into too shallow water that result in life changing injuries
Suicide attempts that result in life changing injuries
Getting involved in gangs
Taking or dealing drugs that results in death, serious damage, criminal record

Getting your girlfriend pregnant, not being a dick about it, her finding out early and him supporting her through an abortion is relatively un-life changing and not something that keeps me up at night when I worry about my boys.

OP has stated that the gf is having a termination so that's not up for debate here.

As for 'her body, her choice' well yes, but her choice was presumably made in the round, taking into account all the implications of becoming a parent at 16, and will have included the effects on other people.

Supportive parents are what they both need.
I had an abortion at 17, at the time you needed 2 gps approval. My family Dr was fine, the second Dr I saw refused because it was against his religion 🥲 I was so upset and confused. I had to go back to the receptionist in tears and explain I needed a further appointment (that morning) to get the second signature.
Horrible way to be treated 😪

The difficulty in the discussions about choice is that GFs age means she's only got partial agency.

She has full choice over what she does with her own body. Her choices don't extend either to being able to provide for a child herself or to obliging any of the people around her to help do it.

One of my teachers always said, if you're not ready to have a baby, you're not ready to have sex.

Children shouldn't be having sex.

Although, if she wants to keep the baby, she absolutely should not be pressured into an abortion by her mother. Wishing them both well and glad your son is supporting her, but let's hope they both learn a lesson from this.

And just in case I get any snippy comments, I did not lose my virginity until I was an adult. I also waited a number of months in relationships before having sex.

And can you believe in Ireland, this was the case only up until a few years ago.

As much as I am pro abortion/ pro choice, she absolutely needs to decide this for herself. It needs to be her decision and nobody else’s otherwise she will regret it. I wonder if she could get counseling to weigh up her choices.

I think you may have misunderstood me (perhaps I didn't word it correctly) what I meant was in the case of them wanting to have an abortion, it should make no difference what their parents think at all. I agree completely that if they were to go ahead with the pregnancy then obviously the discussion should be had about what they help they may hope to receive from the grandparents -but at the point of them wishing to have an abortion and not considering going ahead, their parents should really not be a consideration. They must do what is right for them and them only.

So many more women regret abortions than people realise

Do you have a source for this?

If you read my post, it was stating in the case of them having an abortion their parents really shouldn't weigh in. Of course, if they go ahead with the pregnancy then other factors matter, of course they do, but in the case of them wanting to go ahead with an abortion, their parents DON'T matter at all. I've been in the position where a parent tried to guilt me into going ahead with a pregnancy and I still have flashbacks to that, even now, even 30-odd years later, even though I knew my own mind and went ahead with having an abortion.
If you read my post, you'll see that I was saying that if they go ahead with an abortion the 'grandparents' views don't matter one jot. They may have to offer emotional support, but it seems like they're being very good about that already.

Feeling sad about a termination isn't the same as regretting it.

And feeling sad that you are not the right age or at the right stage of your life to be able to support a baby and then child is not the same as being sad about the termination per se.

I think the Gf is making a brave and sensible decision and taking responsibility for the fact that she and her bf simply cannot look after a baby without massive input from their parents or the state. And that might make them sad too. As might trashing their educational prospects for the time being, losing their youth and teen life to nappy-changes. That make make her just as sad.

I have had 2 terminations and both felt like a relief. Many women I talk to have the same feeling. I hope this young woman gets plenty of support.

Nope. I was born to a teenager and my birth was nothing to celebrate. My life as an adult has been materially impacted by my mother's immaturity and complete lack of skill and interest in parenting. Her life was impacted because despite being supported by her parents she never managed to continue in education and resents everyone, including me, greatly for that.

I understand where the sentiment is coming from but not all babies are wonderful gifts.

How'd you work that out?

Why an abortion? They are both over the age of consent? Just means that they’ll have to grow up quick and take responsibility…. And as a GP to be yourself, you’ll probably be needed for support to bring up the baby….

Well, I think awareness of what support would be on offer needs to happen before a decision to to continue with the pregnancy is made. Which isn't to say GF can't decide to have the baby without any parental help or housing at all, but the parents should be clear so it can be an informed decision. We disagree about the sequence of the decision and discussion here.

Fully agree it could be irrelevant if GF would choose an abortion regardless of what help was on offer, which likely many 16 year olds would. And of course, there'd be no obligation to think about the views of the grandparents there.

And as a GP to be yourself, you’ll probably be needed for support to bring up the baby…. What are you talking about? Why would the OP be supporting bringing up a baby?

Tbh op, your duty is to your son. This would be his Dc too. If he’s at ease with the decision, I really wouldn’t stir things up by suggesting otherwise to the girlfriend. That’s her family’s job.

Why an abortion?!

Jesus christ.

Are you happy to pay for and bring up a not wanted baby then?

Easy to spout this kind of airy fairy shit when you're not the ones having to raise the actual kids.

@RitzyMcFee Yes, even if the gf decides to keep the baby, the OP may not be included at all, grandparents don’t have legal rights nor obligations.

I think it's crucial you speak with his gf and ask her what age wants in all of this so she doesn't feel she's doing it for all the wrong reasons it can impact her detrimentally and for some they don't just get over it . I had my son at 18 with everyone trying to force me to abort him I knew it wasn't the right decision for me and regardless of how hard it was raising him on my own I'd still never change it. She needs to know thos is her choice .

It’ll be a hard time for both of them, your son will need extra love and support alongside his girlfriend. You sound like an amazing mum though, they’ll be ok with you there

That's the practical answer. But emotions come into it too. She needs to be sure about her decision. Railroading her into it just allows doubts to fester.