DS’s girlfriend is pregnant.

[Mondayblues6]

DS is 17 years old and his girlfriend is 16. They have been sleeping together a few months. I talked to him about contraception but he told me his girlfriend was not keen keen to go on the pill but they used condoms. Today he he told me that his girlfriend is 6 weeks pregnant. They are both very upset. They have already told his girlfriend’s mum and she has arranged for her to have an abortion. My son’s girlfriend is so upset that she will never get over this and that she is doing the wrong thing. My son is being very supportive and has told his girlfriend that he will support any decision she makes. My son is so sad and responsible that this happened. I have given him a hig and told him I will be there for them both. What else can I do?

This. Absurd to imply that two teenage students are in any way, shape or form prepared to be good parents.

I'd be deeply disappointed in both of them.

I think I'd be talking to DS about how he can best support his GF. Its a little concerning than an abortion seems to be 'arranged' despite her lack of certainty this is what she wants to do. It will be nigh on impossible for her mum to offer truly impartial support, and I think that is vital for women faced with this decision. Find some details of agencies who support young women in this situation and pass them to DS to give to her if she wants them.

I’d be kissing the feet of that girl’s mother.

Once this is over, in a few weeks, I’d have a serious talk with him about what he wants to do with his life and ask him how a baby would impact that. I’d also remind him that if he decides he doesn’t want to be a father now then it’s up to him to make sure he’s safe, every time, before he has sex because afterwards it’s out of his control.

I'm shocked at how cold and unfeeling some of the replies are. Whatever choice your son's gf makes, please show her maximum love, support and warmth and encourage your son to also. What a sad situation.

Something that might help GF is to know how common abortion is. I think the figure is something like one woman in three in the UK. Many of the women she knows will have had one. It's surely very distressing at her age, but she will get over it (and hopefully take contraception more seriously in future: relying on condoms on their own is not good enough, for all kinds of reasons, especially with teenagers).

Just because the girlfriend is upset and concerned doesn't mean that she has been forced or coerced. It's perfectly possible to make a decision that you know is going to be upsetting.

You can only support your son unless she specifically comes to you for help or advice. At this point, bluntly, it's nothing to do with you, It's her choice and she will want to talk to her mum. Just keep being supportive and take your lead from her.

I am concerned that your son’s girlfriend doesn’t seem to want an abortion.

Of course on paper very few people would choose to become parents at their age (!) but terminating a pregnancy is something you need to be 100% certain about. If she feels the decision was made for her, it will haunt her and seriously affect her relationship with her mother.

Is there some counselling that can be arranged for her?

I will echo some others on this thread - your son is very lucky that he has an understanding mum who he feels comfortable talking to about these things.

Accidents happen with condoms but a lot of them are caused by not being used correctly. So in terms of what you can do, one thing is to make sure that this never happens again and he knows how to use them correctly. Was he even aware there had been an issue?

The other thing you can do is make sure he knows the reality of having a baby. How much nursery costs are. How they don't like to sleep when they're not lying on a parent so you end up sleeping in shifts for months. The incredible strain it puts on even the strongest relationships. The way your friends might drop you as you never have time to see them in the early stages. If they making a difficult decision it should be based on facts rather on some romanticised notion of having a cute baby.

Are you suggesting that a doctor would give someone an abortion without discussing it with them on their own?

Support them. They made a mistake and are dealing with it like adults.

Not actively using contraception and using it correctly is deliberately and actively trying for a baby.

Hopefully they have both learned their lesson. Abortion isn't contraception.

Your son needs to use condoms, properly - relentlessly show him how - 100% of the time. He's getting off easy. It's the girl that lives with the decision not him.

This is the sensible and responsible decision in this case. Having an abortion doesn't have to be a big deal. Obviously everyone is different, I had one when I was young and can honestly say it has barely crossed my mind since.

What a sad situation, but the fact that your DS felt that he could share it with you shows how supportive you are.

You can’t control what his gf decides to do, but as PP’s have suggested, speak to him about doubling up on contraception. His gf has other options besides the Pill.

Ah that's tough. Sounds like you're doing all you can - they're far too young to be parents and I'm sure the girlfriend will look back and be thankful that she had an abortion. That's what I would want for my DD if she got pregnant that young.

When all has calmed down you could have another talk about condoms with your son though because they're extremely effective if used correctly so you should make sure they didn't make a mistake like putting them on inside out or not squeezing air out of the tip etc etc

Thanks so much for all your replies. Im not suggesting that she is being coerced into the decision but I think she feels that she doesn’t really have a choice due to her age. My son cried and said he was very worried that we would be disappointed in him. I told him I’m not but at just sad that they both have got to go though this but glad that he is being supportive and caring.

I agree !

It’s having the baby one should be 100% certain on. not having the abortion.

I disagree. People are often not 100% about either terminating or keeping a pregnancy. Part of being a grown up accepting that we can't always have exactly what we want.

Of course she's doing the right thing - be there for both of them. Children having children is never a good idea.

I think you and your son need to push her to have an abortion.

Sorry to reiterate I don’t think her parents are persuading her to have an abortion but have talked to her about her choices. She has a close supportive family and is close to her older sister so she has support in place.

What a sad situation, if it was my DD I would be encouraging an abortion.

If it was my son I'd be having a long talk with him about the implication of this, after all a child is a life long commitment - financial, emotional etc with the affect it would have on any potential future relationships if they didn't stay together. I would also mention that in fact it is your grand child and there are implications for you.

I'm so glad both your son and his girlfriend seem to have supportive parents - it makes a huge difference. I had an abortion when I was 18 - my mum was terrible, basically trying to guilt me into keeping the baby and letting her bring it up - it was not what I wanted and she wasn't brilliant to me as a child, so why would I inflict that on another being?
What your son and his girlfriend need (and you and her parents seem be supplying) is parents who are not judgmental, and are there for them. There's not much more you can do, other to offer practical help if it's asked for.
His girlfriend may be sad at present, but she will get over this and probably go on to have other pregnancies and babies. If now isn't the right time, then it isn't the right time. Remember, she's also going to be dealing with hormones that'll be affecting her feelings/judgement as well.
I just wanted to say that your son is lucky he can turn to you for support.

My mom got pregnant at 14 and had me at 15. It wasn't great. Teenagers are not mature enough to be parents. .

I was removed into care.

My DD (then 16) was in this situation last year after the condom must have split without her or her boyfriend knowing (she has tried hormonal contraception which has made her ill/ bleed constantly).
We told her that we would support her whatever she decided and whilst she might not regret the decision to terminate, she has said she will never get over it or stop wondering what could have been and it was traumatic even though she was only 8 weeks and 5 days. It was a really hard time for her and I found it really hard but I am glad she knew she had our support whatever she decided.
She is a sensible girl, I would never have imagined her to be in that situation and my heart breaks for her that she was so unlucky when they were being careful and some of her friends don't bother with contraception.
All you can do is be supportive, let them talk, help them access advice and information if they want to, and look after yourself too. I know how difficult it is as a parent.