DS’s girlfriend is pregnant.

[Mondayblues6]

DS is 17 years old and his girlfriend is 16. They have been sleeping together a few months. I talked to him about contraception but he told me his girlfriend was not keen keen to go on the pill but they used condoms. Today he he told me that his girlfriend is 6 weeks pregnant. They are both very upset. They have already told his girlfriend’s mum and she has arranged for her to have an abortion. My son’s girlfriend is so upset that she will never get over this and that she is doing the wrong thing. My son is being very supportive and has told his girlfriend that he will support any decision she makes. My son is so sad and responsible that this happened. I have given him a hig and told him I will be there for them both. What else can I do?

Pro choice works both ways
Nobody should be forced to continue a pregnancy they don't want But nobody should be forced into a abortion they.don't want either.

Congratulations

I agree that being supportive to them both isn't just 'it's your body your choice'. Assuming that you are pro-choice, it's also in helping them understand the implications of that choice. Yes the decision to abort will probably stay with her for her whole life, and she will possibly always wonder 'what if'. The decision not to abort will be exactly the same. She can't possibly know 100% whether she will regret aborting or not, but ultimately if she does then the impact is primarily on her. If she has a child and regrets it, the impact is on the child as well.

It's her choice but I don't think the OP should be trying to persuade her it's the wrong choice - it is clearly the sensible choice in the situation. And OP has clarified that there's no coercion here, just a young person understandably upset that they're having to make a horrible decision that they will most likely have to live with forever. Her being really upset she has decided to abort does not mean she should keep the baby! I think the vast majority of women would be upset they have to have an abortion.

That said, you're not her mum and you've said she has a supportive family. It's not your place to step in here even if she changes her mind and keep the baby. Just support your son (who has no say), make sure that (whatever he feels) he doesn't act like a twat and is supportive to his girlfriend in whatever choice she makes, and make sure he knows how to use condoms correctly (and I would also say they should be doubling up).

Agreed. It’s absolutely appalling to consider that your 18 year old would be forced to go through with a pregnancy when it can be terminated quickly and safely in the first few weeks.

I'm glad they have been able to tell their parents and that abortion will likely be a straightforward procedure as it's so early. These things happen and young people do get over it and manage to get on with their lives. If his girlfriend goes to a BPA clinic they will also likely offer her some kind of long lasting contraception such as the implant which lasts three years and they can do this at the same time as the termination, if that's appropriate for her. Good luck to them, and you. 💐

And thank god we live in a sensible country.

I had an abortion at 17. One of the best decisions I ever made and looking back I'm absolutely sure I did the right thing.

Thats a fucking disgusting thing to say.

Luckily the OP is not a coercive barbarian.

Condoms are 98% effective (and that's if used completely correctly). That means 2 our of 100 women using condoms as their only birth control will get pregnant every year. In reality it's not that rare for condoms to fail.

In real life it's 87%, so 13 women out of every 100, each year.

This.

A friend at uni has an abortion at about 20. The decision was quite rushed (her boyfriend at the time strongly pushed for it) and although not practical to have a baby she regretted it and it deeply affected her mental health.

I am no way suggesting a 16 yo is a good choice for a parent.

But is it better to regret an abortion for the rest of your days or become a young parent? Genuinely not sure and I guess it depends a lot on the individuals.

I'd be deeply disappointed in both of them.

Why, @BettyBardMacDonald ?
young people have sex. Contraception fails sometimes. They are both being grown up about what’s happened.

I’d be proud that my son felt able to talk to me. Nothing more damaging in a parent/child relation than “disappointment” on the part of the parent.

Yes, I agree that no one can be entirely certain how they will feel longer term, but it is a huge commitment to have a child - at any age, but so much harder at that age. The decision must be the pregnant woman’s, but if I was her mum I would try my best to get her to understand how a baby at that age will limit opportunities or at least make it so much harder for her in terms of furthering her education and career.

And I would be very concerned at the likely expectation that a fair amount of childcare will be done by me while DD is at college/uni/work.

@Flugelb1nder Not quite sure what you mean…shouldn’t fertile teenagers double up on contraception? I think it’s preferable to be extra-safe rather than be in the gf’s sad situation.

I don't think laying it on about how it's op's grandchild they're aborting is really helpful.

If they do decide to keep the baby, it is a wonderful gift, regardless of the circumstances. It may be difficult, but every life is precious and has potential and value 💜

Not the thread

Unless you're willing to take said baby in yourself?

There’s no right or wrong answer. Abortions don’t have to be traumatic for girls/women. I had one in 2020 (contraception failure) and it was less traumatic than most of my periods. I’m so happy I was able to have it done as I do not want children.

I have a colleague who had a baby at fifteen. She’s now in her twenties and is getting on well in her career, is a brilliant mum to her wee boy and they’re both very happy.

Easy to say when you're not the grandparents supporting 2 unemployed teens and a baby.

Help him to support her in any way he can eg taxi or lifts to and from clinic/appointments, encouraging him to buy her flowers, put together a care package etc.

I know a fair amount of women who had abortions and deeply regret it. I'm sure there are also many who do it and find it easy to move on. It depends on the person. I also think being a young mum can work for certain people just like being an old mum can. Having a baby at 16 need not be the end of the world, babies are a blessing and fertility is not guaranteed. Your son (most likely) can go on to have children without any issues in to his 50s and 60s. She has a much shorter window. What is it never happens for her again? What if she is one of the rare cases who has fertility issues following the termination? What is she never gets over the guilt? Will your son be there to 'support' her then? When she's 35, depressed and still not over what happened or when she is 45 and on her 5th round of IVF desperate for a baby before it's too late? Obviously these are big what ifs but the reality is that fertility is a big thing for women and if you know you are the type that wants children and you aren't comfortable with abortion then even at 16 the better option might be to keep the baby. In 6 years baby will be at school and she can continue her studies if that's what she wants or go out to work. She'll be in her early 20s with lots of energy in the prime of her life.

I guess all you can do is be supportive of both of them, and keep your fingers crossed that she goes ahead with the abortion.

🤨

Some of the comments sound like the bad old days when girls were forced to give up their babies for adoption, some wanted to and some didn't but they pretty much all had to due to pressure from parents and society and 'for their own good'. Some girls now really might not want an abortion (or think it's necessary), might have strong objections to the idea of it and may even really want to keep the baby. It should be up to the girl, not her mother however well meaning. All so black and white, she can get an abortion easily therefore that is what she must do, for her own good, no other choice.

I wouldn't phrase it exactly like that. But there's a discussion to be had about the level of support DSS and DGF would like from both sets of parents and the level of support the parents are prepared to provide. Part of that is how it affects those other people and how they feel about it, because neither of the 16 year old prospective parents can actually make the people around them step up. They're not going to be able to take on full responsibility for their child by themselves, we simply do not have a society where a pair of 17 year olds could house and support themselves plus a baby.

Put bluntly, if the feelings and implications for both sets of parents mean neither is prepared to house the baby, or if one or both are, having that information is incredibly necessary and helpful.