DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

And I think it's quite fair to say to him that it's happened rather suddenly. Uni for eg is planned over one to two years and then in practical terms over the preceding few weeks!

Are his step brothers a similar age to him and does he have a good relationship with them ? (I've noted you've mentioned he's got a job at a pub where one of them works).

Could this be part of the attraction - spending more time with other young men he sees as friends? I am guessing there is a different atmosphere at his dad's house - perhaps a bit more relaxed for a young man and he may see this as a step to adulthood, similar to moving out into a flat share with friends?

I would maybe try to see this as a step to adulthood independence rather than a rejection of you and his upbringing .

You seriously need to get a grip, I can see why he's moved out, that's just so suffocating.
He's not gone far, your home will always be there for him and if you act more " normal" as my ds would say im sure he'll be back to stay at some point, plus come to visit.

Ah so he owes you. Payment being to stay with you.

Perhaps you need to just let him go, let him see what it’s like. The grass isn’t always greener, he could be back next week!

you really need to calm down though, you’re going to be really pushing him away.

he may feel suffocated, even if you don’t think you are suffocating him. People are entitled to their feelings, like you are but as an adult of your age, you need to be able to get a grip on your feelings. It definitely is unhinged. If you don’t manage this now, you could be the future mother in law that every daughter in law dreads. If you are easily distraught by slight rejection. I wouldn’t even say this is rejection in honesty, more of a slap in the face than anything.

I'm sorry you don't seem any happier about it this morning op.

Lots of commenters are (well meaningly) saying things like (I paraphrase):
"Don't worry hun he'll be miserable there and come running back in a month"

Op, don't wish your son is miserable at his Dad's. Happiness and love aren't limited. It doesn't mean he loves you any less.

Your ex was no doubt a prime dickhead to you and an utterly useless father up till now. But still your son is allowed to want to see him, want to get to know him, be happy around him, even love him. It might not happen, but it's mean-spirited and selfish to wish that your son can only be happy with you. A better wish would be that he's happy and makes a strong healthy connection with his Dad, and that his Dad steps up and makes up for the past.

It's like I said upthread, you will always be his one and only, precious Mum. That's a bond that can't be broken even if he goes and lives with his Dad for a year or two.

If OP is anything like this in RL then maybe her son just wants to live with his dad, see his step brothers and just have a laugh and chill out. OP sounds like she can’t regulate her emotions and that has probably shown itself one way or the other over the years.

Do you pay his car tax and insurance and pay for other things still? I would just cut financial ties for a while and let it all play out. If his dad is tightfisted, charges a lot of rent etc… he may get a rude awakening.

As others have said invite him for dinners, movie nights and other fun things. He probably knows his dad is rubbish but if his step sibling is his age and his dad is all about drinking and having a laugh it might just seem like more fun there. Wait until every day reality and fights kick in re laundry, dishes, cleaning bathrooms etc… just let it play out and present yourself as happy, understanding and caring - but not supporting financially as you supported him when he was with you and now it’s his dads turn!

Agreed. Surprised he didn't flee sooner tbh.

Can't think why...

I pay for his phone

I took out a contract

I bet your husband and daughters are feeling like second class citizens right now.

Get over yourself.

Why? I can love them and still be sad my son has left .

You’re not just sad though you’re coming across as near hysterical.

This. it can't be pleasant for them. Imagine being your 15 year old and realising how much guilt you're going to feel when you want to leave and live your own life if this is how your mum reacts. It's not fair.

I don't think the OP's son is being incredibly selfish. He has two parents; he has the right to live with his dad if he wants to. In fact, he has the right to live wherever he wants - he's eighteen!

Op, what's your plan here? Cry hysterically so he comes home? 'Cause that's not going to work well.
Or, you could accept that your son wants to live with his dad graciously and continue being his mum. At this rate, you will just cause resentment and your son not to want to bother with you.

His dad might be a dickhead to you, but he is still his dad. He just wants to get to know him, and that's his right.

Also, you are teaching your daughters that you are reliant in your children for your life. This is a terrible burden to put on them.

Take some deep breaths, have a shower, go for a walk, have a sleep. Then contact your son and ask if he needs anything at his dads.

Your son can love you and still want to see his Dad

Is it possible (from my armchair) that your ex hurt you so much, and you are worried that he will hurt your lovely son? Are you trying to protect him deep down?

I think you need counselling, you have extremely rigid high standards and I’m wondering if there is something else going on here.

Good luck at work today, you can use your husband Employee Assistance Programme too, and the very best to you x

Whatever you have spent on him doesn't mean he owes you (unless that was the actual agreement). Was it all conditional on your being the favourite parent and him never leaving or spending time with this dad. If you have younger daughters and his father has other boys, I can see the attraction to your son.

Emotional blackmail (crying, threatening suicide etc) rarely ends well. It's so manipulative to get what you want rather than let him make his own choices.

It's not surprising he told you, grabbed his stuff and bolted. He must have anticipated how you would react.

Try and be happy that he has a good relationship with his father and that he is in general, happy.

Don't push him away.

I don't understand how people can speak this way to another human in pain. OP is clearly struggling a great deal here, regardless of whether one thinks she's being reasonable or not. What is your purpose with this comment? It's not tough love, or helpful, it's just spiteful. Multiple people have said very gently that her behaviour is too overwhelming for the boy so she knows this, this comment is just a put-down for the sake of making OP feel even smaller than she already does.

I can imagine it was a shock.

And upsetting.

But if you want to continue a good relationship with your son (and it is highly likely that he will lose the novelty of his Dad’s family and return) you need to calm down, apologise for over reacting / guilt tripping etc.

And stop playing games. If he told you he was serious about saving for a deposit, to hell with ‘secretly’ keeping his rent, that’s so infantilising, however popular on MN, just tell him : rent free at your house if he puts that amount from his wages by standing order into his savings account.

I hope it settles down and works out.

@iloveshetlandponies

"I am now worried that people will judge me but karma I guess for me judging others in similar circumstances"

I mean this kindly - maybe there is a learning and growth opportunity in this.

It feels like you see him moving at his dad's as a judgement of you as a bad parent because that's what you think of others in similar circumstances. Perhaps this is an opportunity to develop compassion and understanding for yourself and for others, whose circumstances you won't fully know or understand until you've been in their position.

Maybe one day you'll be able to support other mums who have to deal with this situation when you've come out of the other side of it and the sky hasn't collapsed and your son still loves you to bits, as I am sure he will as you sound like a very loving and caring mum. Even though it feels horrific now, it won't always feel this raw and awful.

He's also 18, not 8 - most people won't bat an eyelid about where a legal adult lives.

Take good care of yourself, try to be kind to yourself if you can while you process this. You absolutely can love your son and be devastated at the same time, but you also have some choice and control over how you manage those feelings.

i don't understand why he needs to live with his dad and "move out

Ask him instead of overreacting and losing it!

is this the problem? does he think he'll have to pay to stay with you?