DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

Wow

All of this is a massive reach

I've never let on to DS what I think of his dad

Trust me I've always facilitated a relationship even when his dad was NOT INTERESTED

My H and I have made up the shortfall and what his dad lacks for 18 years and we have never let him see this

Bare minimum ? How can you say that ? His dad's the one who has done the bare minimum , less than that

My eldest DD (17 at the time) moved in with her dad a few weeks ago having previously seen him EOW (and even then didn't always go). My ExH left for the OW when DD1 was six and for most of her life has lived a couple of hours away. He recently moved a lot closer and she decided to move in with him.

I understand how upset you are. It was a complete shock to me and to be honest it did feel like a kick in the teeth.

The only person who knew how devastated I was, was my DP. I made sure none of my DCs saw how hurt and rejected I felt.

Since she moved out I have regularly texted her (she's not really one to talk on the phone) and kept the conversation bright and breezy.

A few weeks down the line, and things are starting to feel better. But it was very hard at first.

This is an emotional journey for your son too.

Remember he could be trying to win back the Dad that left ...because from your son's viewpoint as a very young child, his Dad didn't love him or want him. This is worse with the unreliable Dad type which reinforces that unstable attachment to the Dad.

Or the Dad that gets 'a new family' really quickly after they leave.

Children as young as 2 remember the day their Dad went out the door and never came back. Most of those kids harbor a fantasy that some day my real Dad will actually want me.
He'll say he wants me. That day has come.

You and your husband can never fill that particular need to be wanted by that particular person.

I'm speculating. But plenty of kids experience this from absent or drunk or preoccupied parents.

Give your son the chance to attempt to restore (or not) that missing jigsaw piece in his life. He may become a happier adult to be able to put these pieces together for himself.

Things may go ok over at that house, but indeed they may not.

When I was bringing him up ALONE

but then in your next post you have said

I'm sad for my husband as well. He is the best dad ever, he's loved DS as his own since he was 2 years old. He has done all the dad stuff!!

Which one is it?

Thank you for getting it

and I am so sorry you have been through similar xx

I can understand it hurts but he is an adult now.

You mention your husband and girls, are these half siblings? I wonder if he just wants a more 'male' household?

I agree with having a meal once a week to catch up.

Also

I kicked my son's dad out when my son was 3 months old. This was for many good reasons including his emotional and financial abuse of me, and sometimes physical, and the fact he was controlling and had isolated me from friends and family. And that he was lazy and never once changed a fucking nappy, got up in night, gave a bottle or did any housework

He did not leave me so just to confirm I'm not some bitter woman still pissed off I was left for OW

Yeah my girls are with my husband

I've been with my husband since my son was 2 and the girls are 15 and 10

I'm so sorry you are hurting OP

I'm sure he will be back at some stage.

I don’t think they would have been so harsh if wanting to die and needing to phone the GP to cope was ever mentioned. That would have been better left unsaid, as to an outsider it sounds overly dramatic and self centred even if not meant to be.

I understand in part how OP feels. I brought up my sons alone (from nappies to young adulthood) and older son seems to prefer being around his dad at the moment, even though his dad would never win a best dad award.

My cousin went through the same when her daughter was about the same age.
She took control of the situation and kept her emotions in check making it clear that the daughter was welcome back anytime. What she also did was to not let the daughter take anything from her house that was not truely hers ie not shared with other children or financed by Mum. She lives in the US where car ownership among young is common but you could substitute phone or tech stuff. She said Daughter was allowed to take the car only if she paid for it in full ie Dad buy it off Mum and take over the costs of keeping it on the road. The initial 'honeymoon' of living with Dad was already starting to wear thin but the car was the final straw. 3 months later the girl returned home to Mum.

I agree. This is not healthy at all. You say that you were looking at a bigger house so they could have their own bedroom. Perhaps he wants the space. Or a new start. He's well within his rights to explore connections with his other parent, no matter how absent his dad has been. But to be this hysterical, saying you want to die, that the family has lost a sibling, that he won't bother with you again. This is all waaaaay too much. If want to get away from that sort of enmeshment too. You say you'd feel fine if he was moving out with a friend or partner. I am getting the impression that that's not the case. For you to take this as a personal attack on your parenting is your issue. It's not. He's an adult now, he can start to pave his own way.

You've just lost any sympathy I've had for you. Who are you to judge?

You clearly need to work on yourself.

Absolutely feel how you feel for now. But pretty soon you need to get some perspective.

It's not really your son you're angry with. Its the ex and the feelings of jealousy and resentment that come with this.

You've apologised for your initial reaction which is great but now you need to ride it out, nothing pushes someone away quicker than trying to force them round to your way of thinking.

OP hes not the one making this a big show.

You're probably over thinking how much consideration he's putting into this decision

His new job is near his dad's house and his step brother works there which means he's got built in support/lifts etc.

It just sounds more convenient and that's probably the depth of thought that went into his thinking

It doesn't mean he loves you any less

He's just been on holiday with his Dad and step brothers. They've probably had a great time together, and Dad has probably picked up the bill for everything. This is not real life.

It's entirely possible that when the realities of living with his dad (not getting the same financial, practical and emotional support you give, being in a small room etc) will make him realise how much you do for him, and may finally be the thing that helps him see the contrast between you and his dad.

If you'd just let this play out, I wouldn't have been surprised if he came back to live with you after a few months.

HOWEVER, what's ironic here OP, is that your over reaction and lack of self-control is making it less likely he'll come back. There's no way your children are not noticing your reaction. It's probably making your son feel guilty and therefore resentful.

I understand your emotional reaction, but if your son is so important to you, you need to be smarter and play a longer game.

To avoid further damage to your relationship with you son, you need to spend the day urgently pulling yourself together. Apologise again to everyone for your reaction. Then start helping your son makes plans for the move. When the day comes you need to be waving him off with a smile, not hiding in another room sobbing in a heap.

Then get that weekly family dinner booked in. Keep doing nice family things together. He'll soon see the contrast.

He's got his own car so doesn't need lifts etc

that I bloody GAVE to him

He's owned two cars in a year and both paid for by me 😤

He's already left

He went last night

This.

honestly give yourself a shake. Devastated, feel like you want to die, indeed. Come on now.

"I'm ashamed that my kid doesn't live with me anymore

I've secretly judged people (mums) for if their kid lives with their dad"

What's that old saying - pride comes before a fall?
You're very in your feelings at the moment due to the shock but just know, even when you don't say anything bad about the parents, kids always know. I've been that kid who knew my mum hated my dad and I've been told by my own kid that they knew I wasn't fond of their dad (a twitch in my face apparently lol). Leave him be and just be supportive because if you don't or can't then you'll lose him.

He may be be back in a week or a month or he may just thrive. Chin up!

I really do empathise with your feelings, very relatable and understandable, however, try flipping your thinking on this.
You have raised a young adult who has such a secure attachment with you and his step-father that he has the confidence to explore the world, secure in the fact that you will always be there for him. Whereas, he doesn't have anywhere near the same quality of attachment with his father and is probably subliminally trying to seek his attention and acceptance with the unconditional love that you have provided him.
You and your husband have been his role models and influential in shaping his values and beliefs which will be determine many of his own values etc which can sometimes be very different, but often not.
There is always grief when our children become adults and leave home whatever the reason, as it is an ending of an era which can often affect our identity more than we realise. Have self-compassion and pride for the love, care and effort YOU put in to raise your child rather than fixate on what his father didn't do as it will delay your journey of processing the loss and you'll lose sight of what you will also gain from this new situation.
The distance and difference will help your son recognise and appreciate everything you have done for him and highlight everything his father didn't, which will shape the father he is in years to come.
Try to look at the situation objectively, he's just gone to live with his dad for a while before he returns or lives independently.
He isn't in prison.
He isn't in rehab.
He isn't in hospital.
He isn't causing harm to others.
He isn't dead.
I'd say you have done an amazing job!!
Go use the money you would have spent on his food to etc to do something nice for yourself as a reward and acknowledgement of what a good job you have done raising him.

I understand why you're feeling sad but your son is a grown man. It would be normal for him to move out to go to university or live with housemates or travel at this age. The fact that he's moved out to stay at his dad's isn't a rejection of you or your husband in any way. He's just an adult who has decided to live somewhere else. You're just letting your loathing of his father (who I'm sure is indeed awful) colour your feelings about your son moving out, and you need to stop imposing that on your son. It's not fair.

It's ok to be disappointed that your adult child has chosen to move in with their other parent.

However this is not a tragedy, nor a disaster.

Pull yourself together or you will end up driving him further away.

Well I think tbf to OP it's not quite the same. I mean when they go to Uni at 18 you are involved with the journey there etc, are their first port of call if something goes wrong , involved with topping up grants etc, and you know when they'll be next home and often they'll WhatsApp / call etc regularly. The transition of independence to age 21, even 25 when they say we mature fully psychologically is a gradual one but you still have them with you if that makes sense.
I think OP feels that she's lost him to another parent both in day to day and the longer term, and also sort of by choice, so she's not sure when he'll next be back, or call etc which probably feels like quite a loss all at once.
I do agree she is taking it personally but that's understandable. She's protected her son from ex H bad side as it were and now he's chosen him to live with which probably feels very unfair.
I also think it's got more to do with step brothers - especially the speed with which it's all happened.
It's a shame it couldn't have been talked over a bit more, planned and done over the next week or two I think that's what feels especially upsetting.
OP you should speak to him about why he's suddenly decided this, explain in a controlled way that you don't want to lose your bond and maybe he can stay somewhere between both houses not just go with everything.