DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

OP, I can see why you’d be sad but this is a huge overreaction. Is everything else ok?

I get you're upset, but if you carry on like this you'll lose him. This is technically about your issues and bitterness over his dad and nothing else. I absolutely hate my exH and the woman he left us for, but I have kept this to myself for as much as possible over the years. My son seems to prefer being around his dad as they have 'boy things in common' my daughter is fairly neutral but at times I could say I've been the 'rejected parent'. He is loaded. I'm not. They are now through Uni and working and he has bought them homes in cash (yes I know) but I see more of them now than ever. Don't push him away by being a drama queen. When he is older you can maybe open up about how you have felt it not now, he's finding his feet in the world, and 18 year olds are not emotionally mature enough for him to be considering your feelings.

Honestly you are blowing everything out of proportion .

He will have more chance to see his Dads true colours / living with him. I do wonder though if he is a shit dad or your feelings .

let him know he always has a bed at yours . Let him know you want to see him regularly maybe for tea - always welcome to pop in .

As parents our job is to let them go . To become independent . This is the time to do that .

He's not a kid though. He's an adult man! Anyway you shouldn't be judging anyone. Peoples circumstances are all different!

OP, we can all understand about your upset and shock, but you are massively overreacting.

Reading your posts you do also have a lot of expectations and judgements on what a family should be like, and also seem to be talking about your son like he's a child, but he is an adult.

At the end of the day, he's moving out from a female dominated household to a male dominated household. Sounds like he had a good time with his stepbrother and wants to hang out with them more.

He's not abandoning you, but if you carry on this way he may not want to see you as much. Treat him like an adult, not a young child, and let him have his independence.

You have to be the grown up here. The one who wishes her son well and keeps a space for him when it all goes wrong with his dad. Who calmly invites him for Sunday lunch or on a trip with the family and keeps loving him and showing him he is part of your family too.

He's clearly had a fun holiday and had his head turned. He will soon see what real life is like with his dad.

My questions would be:
What has his dad offered in terms of paying his way that looks so appealing to an adult?
Who is at the pub that he is looking forward to spending time with and not sharing with you/your family?
Your son has said he wants to save up and get his own place, the reality of this is quite daunting when you were a child last year and now an adult, what has his dad said about when he was 18?
Can he continue to save up if he lives with his dad or is that the point?
What responsibilities are there at his dad's? (Housework, other siblings who look up to him)
Was the holiday so brilliant that he just wants to live in the 'holiday' mode with his dad now he's back?
Is he in a relationship - what does his partner think of visiting yours or their home?

I really recommend you seek some therapy. For a young adult, having to deal with a mother's extreme emotions about reasonable choices is very smothering, and can run the relationship.

It’s shit but this is very common with a waste of space parent. The adult or teen child tries to get the attention they were deprived of from them. It is like a hole/void in them that they hope one day the other parent can fill.

Be there for him, let him do what he needs to do, focus on keeping a good relationship with him, doing stuff with him and for him that he likes, don’t try to manipulate him, people see straight through manipulation and it angers them and your relationship will get back on track. It is a horrible situation.

I can see why you’re so upset, and you have no reason to apologise on this forum for sharing what you feel. If DS’s dad has not been the best over the years, could it be that your DS is wanting to feel loved by his dad, to have some of what his step-brothers have? So it’s definitely not a rejection of your home/you but a hankering for something with his father. If you see it like that then your role could be what it sounds like you always have done, to support him through this scaryish experience. You could be the one he comes to to share how it’s going, to help make it work for him. If you support him then chances are he will always think of being with you as being at home. X

There is an age old saying - If you love someone , let them go .

So let him go , he wants to try a new way of being . Send him off with a hug and a wave with a smile on your face and an invite to a Sunday roast in a week or two once he's settled.
That way you are showing him you support his decision ( even though you don't really )

He's old enough to make up his own mind where he lives and he will respect you more for supporting him in it.

You are being overly dramatic wanting to die!

I can understand a tiny bit of how you feel. I asked my son what day he was coming back from a thing he’s going to with his dad (who lives in another part of the country) and he said he might just stay on there for a bit. I did feel a bit upset (I didn’t say) as he’s finished uni but has barely spent a day here since. Then I told myself to pull myself together and let him live his life. But I did feel sad for a moment that home is no longer what is was for him (he spends a lot of time at his gf’s).

That’s life, he’s launched, as your son is doing.

Please don't harass your son by calling and texting daily. Leave it 5 days to a week before you text and ask how he's settled in and invite him for dinner the following week.
The first month or so will be fun for him but after that the scales will fall. Don't make him dig deeper with hysterics.

This is my biggest fear op so I get it. Try and remember this is not about you. He just wants to try living with him. Just make sure he knows he can change his mind x

Chances are he’ll want to come back home after a while but he needs to feel there won’t be dramatics and hysteria greeting him if he does. Stay neutral, no I told you so’s if he does come back and just keep in regular (but not smothering) contact with him.

You're going to ring the doctor? Because your adult son is moving out?

No wonder the NHS is fucked.

your reaction is over the top.

he is 18. In a few years he will have his own place. So what if he spends a bit of time living with his dad while he does so.

people do not judge others in the way you think - again, he is 18. Not a 12 year old who has decided to live with another parent- it feels as if you are not accepting his age.

one of 2 things is likely to happen: he gets on really well with his dad, who treated him fairly (a good thing), or he realises the grass isn’t always greener - whilst a shame, it’s also not a bad thing to learn.

however successful you think you are about the family not knowing your reaction, please be assured that you won’t have hidden it as well as you think. Give your head a wobble, and see how the next 12 months pan out.

It sounds as if (because you have pretty much said so) you feel that his dad doesn’t deserve to have him. You’re looking at this the wrong way. Ignore the dad, focus on your son’s point of view. Does he not deserve to want to spend a bit of time with his dad before he finally sets out on his own path? It’s not a betrayal- looking at it from that point of view is a bit dickish.

This is a new level of ridiculousness. I find it hard to believe this hysteria she’s feeling is an isolated incident. You don’t go from from 0-90 out of nowhere without there being some past form. Maybe the son just needs a break from emotion.

It feels that this has triggered something in you. It is ok for your DS to move to his Dad for a while, it’s not rejection. Agree with the others you have to try very hard to get this into perspective. Kids do grow up and it’s natural to want to try different ways of living. See how it goes. Relish the extra space. Don’t beat yourself up.

I have been through this and empathise completely. Unless you have been there, it is hard to understand the absolute kick in the gut this feels. ( in my case made worse by my ExH only being involved when it suited him and bare minimum financially, yet constantly telling me the DC’s will find out who you really are and come back to me).

You have been given an unduly hard time here by PP’s that don't understand. My DS pulled away from his A levels and grammar education too. We are 9 years down the line but the decision making has impacted significantly on his career path, again sorted by dad and his ‘mate’.

I am dashing now @iloveshetlandponies but happy to answer any questions or chat further.

Why are you assuming i wasn't devastated? Of course I was. I just didn't make it into a huge drama all about me. She was my last baby and I'd almost died when she was 2 months old. So I had such a bond with her but she was close to her dad and she felt (I think) that he needed her. She had to live somewhere and I got how it was easier as she could walk to school. She also got much more freedom than she would have ever have got under my roof and she knew it. I also realised I had to accept that she was an individual and not a possession of mine.

As I could do nothing about it, I chose to hide my hurt and play the long game. Which has worked. When our adult children seek out our company and advice, we know we have done OK as parents.

And yes I do think it's karma coming back on you. I think the old model of couples splitting and the mother automatically getting the children are gone. Like blended families (like yours) are more common. Teenagers are selfish and it is too easy to push them away or become estranged because of our own 'stuff'. Your son has made a choice you don't like. He's an adult. Let it go and watch and wait.

My son has a room at his dads and spends time with him. Whatever I think of my XH, I chose him to father my children and am delighted they have a good relationship. Likewise his partner at one time saw more of my daughter than I did. I missed out on it all. Her birthdays. Her prom dress. Her collecting results and choosing 6th form. Really had to swallow that one down hard and think of it as another women being kind and loving my babies as much as I did.

Remember acceptance is an absolute gift.

I doubt he's rejecting you, it sounds like he's had a lovely childhood. He probably just sees an opportunity he's not had before to get to know his dad and brother a bit better. Plus as he hasn't lived with his dad before it may be easier for him to live there as an adult, whereas at yours he may feel that his position in your home is still in the role of the child he has always been- it's very hard to shift a dynamic that has been the habit of years. It isn't him choosing or prefering his dad over you

@FavouritePhoto I agree! I hear you op. It's crap
X
God some of the responses on MN these days are SO HARSH!

Perhaps it would help to think of a few short statements to repeat in your head every time you start to feel overwhelmed? Your son is safe and well and is doing a really good thing by gaining employment at his age. He's not hiding in his bedroom playing computer games all day every day, he's not out in the street doing drugs. He's making active choices, ones you may disagree with but he has a right to make them.

Some of the responses are harshly worded but I think they are right. The only way to preserve your relationship with your son is to find a way to support him.

this - its likely he wants to hang out with his step brothers rather than his younger sisters. its not about you