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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 DD said she is ready for sex! Help please

103 replies

MrsNe · 19/08/2024 11:01

Hello, I have been googling this all night. I'm
So please she
Told me her "friend" from Luton is coming to visit her today as she was helping with laundry to get specific clothes washed that she wants to wear. She has never helped before with laundry voluntarily- usually have to tell her to and she reluctantly does it.
Anyway, they met a month ago at a concert we attended as a family and have been pre-chatting ok snap exclusively.
We got back from 2 weeks holiday and he is coming to see her- got her Pandora gift apparently and she made us help hunt for a gift for him- she is not usually bothered with going to Medina/Market when on holiday.
Anyway, I get joke form work at midnight, she comes to help with laundry and casually said, you know how you said we could go to GP when I was ready... can we go tomorrow please? I think I
Am ready.
I thanked her for telling me and she went on today, he is a virgin, turns 18 next week and because she is 16 in November, she would
Like to do more than kiss.
I said I'd book GP but that as its first time they are meeting after first meet to stick to kissing for now.
I am a sergeant in police so she knows about tea and consent video and we discussed this again.
I can't stop her o know but omg!
Anything else I can do? Have a 13 year old DD also and don't want to set a precedent.
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Borninabarn32 · 19/08/2024 11:05

Don't panic, she's 15, it's a pretty standard starting age. Go to the gp, support her choices. Buy her condoms, the pill doesn't protect you from STIs and any guy that doesn't respect you enough to wear one shouldn't get near your body.

Reiterate consent, don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with no matter how nice he is or how much he wants it.

Wherever you are, whatever time it is, I will always come get you and I will never judge you.

"I'm so proud of you for being able to tell me how you feel and what you need."

You can't stop her having sex. So you need to make sure that if something happens she feels able to talk to you about it.

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 19/08/2024 11:08

You sound like a great Mum and it’s good that she has confided in you. Given your job, have you reminded her that it would be illegal?

I remember being that age. I guess that the main thing you have in your control at this point, given he does not live locally, is that you can control things so they don’t have the opportunity? Where is he going to be staying?

This actually seems like less of a “she’s too young” thing and more of a “too early in their relationship” thing.

smallchange · 19/08/2024 11:10

All sounds very sensible, although I'd question how you can be so sure that you're ready for sex with a specific person when you've never met them - they might have questionable personal hygiene, bad breath, give you the ick for all sorts of reasons!

But anyway, I guess it doesn't hurt to reinforce that sex should feel really good for both partners and if it doesn't feel good, or even just a bit meh then just because you did it once doesn't mean that you need to do it again with that person. You never "owe" someone sexual contact.

You see it a lot on here when people talk about having "good sex" and then later on discover that they never have an orgasm and I wonder if it starts from meh experiences early on that they then assume are normal. You can have mutually consensual shit sex.

Bobbybobbins · 19/08/2024 11:12

Agree with all the previous comments- sounds like you and your Dd are handling this really well.

It is definitely more a case of too early in the t relationship than necessarily that she is too young.

wrongthinker · 19/08/2024 11:15

She's too young. He's much, much older than her (he's an adult; she's a child.) I would want to encourage her to wait at least until she's 16. Obviously she needs to be protected if she does decide to go ahead but if he's 18 and she's 15, it's statutory rape, isn't it?

LunasNewTeddy · 19/08/2024 11:19

If a very nearly 18 year old was trying to date my not yet 16, for another 3 months, year old, I wouldn't be happy. Most 15 year olds wouldn't be seen dead dating a 15 year old either. 2 and a quarter years is a big gap at those ages. Plus, it sounds like she's only met him once. To rush to get on the pill so she can have sex with someone she hardly knows would be worrying for me as a parent. If she's mature, she'll understand that it's too early in their 'relationship'.

LunasNewTeddy · 19/08/2024 11:20

**Most 18 year olds.....

Prenelope · 19/08/2024 11:21

It's illegal and although it's great you have such a good relationship, I'd be trying to dissuade her. Although clearly the bloke is keen to get on with the job.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 19/08/2024 11:22

They have met once ?
and she is willing to have sex with him at 15, whilst he is over 16 - almost 18.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/08/2024 11:25

I'd be pointing out to her that 'being ready' means being at a ready stage in your relationship, not just feeling ready in terms of age/maturity. Meeting somebody once doesn't sound like being ready to me. Not at 15 anyway!

Toddlerteaplease · 19/08/2024 11:26

She's met him once, therefore she's not ready.

Thryty · 19/08/2024 11:28

A child wants to have sex with an adult she's met once??

Uh, no.

DadJoke · 19/08/2024 11:29

Protecting her against the possibility of STIs and pregnancy is the top priority. She is quite sensible about that.

However, aside from is being illegal, she is setting herself up to be pressurised into doing something she might not really want to do. You have to be unusually strong to assert your boundaries at that age, and boys will wheedle and pressure girls into getting what they want.

What are the logistics of the meeting? Are they staying somewhere over night?

mansplainingsincethe90s · 19/08/2024 11:29

What a great relationship you two have. Top parenting. BUT if it were me I would remind her that sex with a minor is illegal no matter how consensual it is and that they should wait until she is 16. I wouldn't want to put the boyfriend in the situation of committing statutory rape with my blessing.

TotalDramarama24 · 19/08/2024 11:30

She's a child, I wouldn't even let her meet up with an 18 year old. So sad free people seem to think that 15 is a normal age to have sex. It shouldn't be.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 19/08/2024 11:30

I’m surprised you’re not more concerned that an 18yo is arranging to come and have sex with your underage daughter.

If you don’t think you can stop her, then get contraception nailed down, and discuss what you’d all do if it failed. Would she recognise signs of pregnancy? Would you allow her to keep a baby in your home?

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 19/08/2024 11:32

mansplainingsincethe90s · 19/08/2024 11:29

What a great relationship you two have. Top parenting. BUT if it were me I would remind her that sex with a minor is illegal no matter how consensual it is and that they should wait until she is 16. I wouldn't want to put the boyfriend in the situation of committing statutory rape with my blessing.

Especially if I were a serving police officer- could this cause disciplinary issues for you at work OP?

cupcaske123 · 19/08/2024 11:34

Have you seen any of their messages OP? Has he been pressuring her for sex? Has she sent photos? How has sex come up when they barely know each other?

She shouldn't be having sex with some bloke she barely knows at 15.

Onehappymam · 19/08/2024 11:43

Disciplinary issues at work? Illegal?

Yes of course, because the police have nothing better to do than chase consenting teenagers having sex. She’s almost 16, not 12!

OP, I’d emphasis that it’s too early in their relationship, but well done to her for coming to you. It sounds like they’ve already agreed to have sex. There is definitely a balance of power there, due to his age. When I was young an age gap or a couple of years was nothing, but doesn’t seem to be the case nowadays with my teens and their crowd. She should be going from zero to full intercourse - that’s unlikely to be enjoyable for her. Emphasise that they should spend lots of time building up to it. But yes, look at contraception.

Onehappymam · 19/08/2024 11:44

shouldn’t !!!

Icannoteven · 19/08/2024 11:44

It’s fantastic that she feels able to talk to you about this and that she is sensible enough to have thought about contraception. It sounds like you have a great relationship.

Frrom experience, 15 is a normal age to feel ready for sex (though obviously as parents we would prefer it didn’t happen this young). I remember being beyond curious at that age and nothing would have stopped me once my mind was made up. It sounds as if you have had all the important conversations and your daughter can come to you if she needs support. You just have to trust that she makes sensible decisions and is strong enough to know and maintain her own boundaries.

I would do some further digging into who this boy is though, if possible.

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 19/08/2024 11:46

Onehappymam · 19/08/2024 11:43

Disciplinary issues at work? Illegal?

Yes of course, because the police have nothing better to do than chase consenting teenagers having sex. She’s almost 16, not 12!

OP, I’d emphasis that it’s too early in their relationship, but well done to her for coming to you. It sounds like they’ve already agreed to have sex. There is definitely a balance of power there, due to his age. When I was young an age gap or a couple of years was nothing, but doesn’t seem to be the case nowadays with my teens and their crowd. She should be going from zero to full intercourse - that’s unlikely to be enjoyable for her. Emphasise that they should spend lots of time building up to it. But yes, look at contraception.

Knowingly facilitating commission of a crime sounds wrong for a police officer to me, even if it is one that would not necessarily be investigated if reported. OP will have a good understanding of the rules of professional conduct as they apply to her, it was just a question.

HowIrresponsible · 19/08/2024 11:47

What the fuck with the Liberal responses here. Supporting her choices.

She met him once a month ago. She's arranging to hook up with a stranger for sex.

I'd question whether it was a wise choice for a 30 year old to make let alone a 15 year old.

Thryty · 19/08/2024 11:50

I had sex at 15. But it was with someone I had been in a relationship with for 4 months, had known for 4 years and was the same age (so at the same development stage mentally)

I absolutely would not allow my 15 year old to meet a MAN of 18 years old (who shes met once) for sex.

Sometimes good parenting doesn't mean supporting your child, it means protecting them.

lemonyellows · 19/08/2024 11:50

All sounds bizarre to me. She is a child who has met this man once. Alarm bells!!!