15 DD said she is ready for sex! Help please

[MrsNe]

Hello, I have been googling this all night. I'm
So please she
Told me her "friend" from Luton is coming to visit her today as she was helping with laundry to get specific clothes washed that she wants to wear. She has never helped before with laundry voluntarily- usually have to tell her to and she reluctantly does it.
Anyway, they met a month ago at a concert we attended as a family and have been pre-chatting ok snap exclusively.
We got back from 2 weeks holiday and he is coming to see her- got her Pandora gift apparently and she made us help hunt for a gift for him- she is not usually bothered with going to Medina/Market when on holiday.
Anyway, I get joke form work at midnight, she comes to help with laundry and casually said, you know how you said we could go to GP when I was ready... can we go tomorrow please? I think I
Am ready.
I thanked her for telling me and she went on today, he is a virgin, turns 18 next week and because she is 16 in November, she would
Like to do more than kiss.
I said I'd book GP but that as its first time they are meeting after first meet to stick to kissing for now.
I am a sergeant in police so she knows about tea and consent video and we discussed this again.
I can't stop her o know but omg!
Anything else I can do? Have a 13 year old DD also and don't want to set a precedent.
Thanks in advance.

FFS with the evil groomer older man.

Firstly, you've no idea whether this just about to turn 18 year old has any idea that the dd has been chatting to her mum about being ready for sex.

At last! Someone has evidence that this bloke the OP has never met and her daughter met for an hour or so, is exactly who he says he is. That he's definitely not pressuring her into sex because he's into teenagers and he's not dangerous.

Hurrah!

Of course you can stop her having sex with this man, OP, and you should. They can meet under your supervision or you can stop them meeting at all. I would not be allowing this to take place - it's creepy, scary and illegal. If he's so wonderful and lovely, I'm sure he's happy to court your DD respectfully and wait for her to be of age before initiating any kind of sexual dimension to their relationship.

To the people suggesting I’m creepy: you do realise we’re taking about a 15 year old and a 17 year old, and I’ve said the appropriateness depends on the two teenagers in question?

I really feel for people who think that the law, language, and definitions are the black and white things they think they are, independent of context, time or space. Or that the law has the last word on morality.

You do realise that ages of consent change over time, and are different around the world? In the UK the age of consent was 12 until the 1884 Criminal Law Amendment Act.

Would you have been ok with that because the legal definition of a child was different then, or would you have engaged brain and exercised some independent judgement on the matter?

I'd be telling her 'so long as you're under age and under my roof, you'll keep your knickers on'.

With your mention of the Medina, I take it you are not in the UK? To able to comment further, knowing what the age of consent is in your country would help.

Personally, no matter where I lived, I wouldn't be too happy with an adult man coming over to have sex with a 15 year old he's only met once before.

I agree with you. The situation itself I'm not keen on but the ages, I'm really surprised by these comments lol. She's a child, and he's a grown adult man - sorry what? He is also a child if we're using legal definitions. If we're not, and we're using the words we've created to distinguish between ages, they are both teenagers. If we're using their education status to determine how mature they are, he could have just finished 6th form an she's just about to enter 6th form. From the ages of 13/14 the 2 year age gap has been normal from what I've seen? Teens don't only date in their years and if we're going off school years then he is only one week out from being in a supposedly acceptable year difference of one year at school instead of two.

She could be very immature, and him creepy. She could have her head screwed on, and him inexperienced. They attended the same concert, they have the same music tastes, and I'm assuming it was an under 18s event? But that's an assumption. The whole she's a child and he's a grown ass adult who's grooming her is a bit sensationalist. She's at an age teens experiment. More questions are certainly in order and id be having a sit down serious conversation, but the ages alone aren't sending me massive alarm bells. If she had just turned 15 and he was just turning 18, different. But the months and years are much more important at that age, and maturity levels vary wildly

really feel for people who think that the law, language, and definitions are the black and white things they think they are, independent of context, time or space. Or that the law has the last word on morality.

What on earth are you talking about? The context is that an 18 year old man - or someone who purports to be that age - has met a 15 year old girl once and has now arranged to have sex with her on their second meeting.

It's creepy, whatever way you look at it. And you're creepy for trying to shame people who want to protect the girl.

She said Medina “when on holiday” and explained that the DD had wanted to buy this boy a present when they were on holiday.

The boy’s coming from Luton. I doubt he’d be travelling internationally! 😂

God the dramatics from some posters. A 15yo and 17yo. Not a grown up man and a little girl. Two similarly aged teenagers.
I would obviously be discouraging sex at the first meeting, but teenagers will do what teenagers want to do whether you like it or not. OP it's fantastic that she has come to you, what a wonderful mother you must be. Get her on birth control and condoms and have a chat about consent.

I live in France and the age of consent here is 15. All 3 DDs had done the deed before they hit 16 and 2 before they were 15. Not what we would have chosen but better than lying.

I for one think you are doing the right thing, my dd was in the same position age wise, in her case he was 2 school years ahead of her. Far better to make sure they are safe. To all the people saying adult and child, they are young people 2 years apart, keep that in mind

Yeah that is weird. An 18 yo and a 16 yo 🫣 and they haven’t even met post introduction. Super weird!

I do think you need a talk about stages of relationships. Most people don’t sleep with people the first time they meet up. And the last time didn’t count, that’s when they met. It wasn’t an arranged meet or date.

A child wants to have sex with an adult she's met once.

A tricky one but the fact she has approached you with this is a good sign. I didn’t approach my mum at 15 but I was thankfully savvy enough to Google services in my area and was able to locate an NHS hub that would prescribe with no parental consent so I still found a way and she will too, or she won’t and then she’ll be at risk of pregnancy. Pick your battles I think.

Tell her it's against the law.
What did your parents teach you?

It is sad. The DD does not even know this person. I think that it is just too young, and too soon. There is no way that I would be supporting this.

If this was my 51 year old best friend I would be saying are you really sure you know nothing about him.

My 15 year old???no would I be saying great to this

Is there a script you have to stick to? It's "dramatic". They are "both teenagers". It's "normal to have an age gap". Etc.

FFS. It's illegal, regardless of everything else. It's creepy, because she doesn't know him at all and they've never even dated. And it's scary because there's no way to even verify he is who he says he is, so she could be in all kinds of danger.

I'd rather be "dramatic" than creepy tbh. If being dramatic is what it takes to protect children from SA then I'm happy to be a drama queen.

Well, it’s good she spoke to you, but it’s weird she wants to have sex with someone she’s met once. And what has he been talking about on the messages? Sweetening her up for sex? Bought her a special present too? Now about to visit - for sex. It’s that that’s weird because that’s not how most teens go about it.

She also says he’s a virgin - is he? Rhetorical question obviously, but either he isn’t and is lying to make her more keen to have sex with him (Look, I’m a virgin too!) or he’s telling the truth and has chosen her, a younger and totally inexperienced girl to lose his virginity to, knowing she won’t judge him. If so, I doubt he has feelings for her.

She’d be best to meet him and just chat and get to know him.

All of this.

You're right, it is like a script with some people, designed to erode boundaries and minimise and normalise. Creepy as fuck.

"You barely know him and you want to have sex? He's bought you a bracelet? Sure, I'll make an appointment, we'll put you on the pill. Thanks for telling me love, next week we'll celebrate with a facial."

OP, you can be supportive and also point out this is risky behaviour. Have a conversation about the risks and what you can do to lower the risks to a level you’re both happy with.
e.g. There’s a risk he could rape her. Can reduce that risk by meeting in public /meeting at home when you’re also there, etc.
There’s a risk of STDs or pregnancy. Can reduce that by making clear condoms are non-negotiable and make sure she has access to (other) contraception, including emergency contraception.
There’s a risk it’ll be crap sex. That might be a risk she’s happy to take.
There’s a risk she won’t actually fancy him. What will do to extricate herself from the situation if that’s the case?

@wrongthinker I think the clue is in your username! ;)

I'm not 'shaming' anyone. And you're not 'protecting' anyone. You don't know the people in question, and all some people are saying is that these things are highly context dependent ... and the most relevant context is that she barely knows him. You're treating this girl like she's some dumb victim, and this guy like he's some horrible scheming rapist. (I do wonder what the world looks like to you - it can't be very nice, and you must often be afraid.) He/she could be those things, but I think the OP is best placed to judge that.

These kinds of situations have natural outcomes/barriers anyway. I mean, until they've got privacy where do teenagers propose to do these things?! Certainly not upstairs in their bedrooms while mum and dad turn the TV up - urgh! I wouldn't be letting my daughter visit overnight or have him to stay so that would be that, really - line drawn. But teenagers will obviously find ways to drink/smoke/have sex if they really want to.

Its possible this isnt the first boy but she just now wants to go on the pill
.
It does sound odd, a bit similar to what happened with the netherlands basketball player. (In what i read anyway) in that he was messaging her -12yo and flew over for sex (willing) but they didnr use a condom and she went to a clinic afterwards and he was reported.
It is grooming.
The girl if uK will be going into y13.
Its worth bearing in mind that if she gets pregnant now she will have no gcses.
And might have to coparent with a kid miles away.

The Sexual Offences Act 2003 states that it is illegal for a person over 18 to have sex with someone under 16.