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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Should I be cross or is this all normal?!

108 replies

MumblesParty · 28/07/2024 10:52

DS1 is 18, home for the summer after his first year at university. He’s my eldest child and I’m a single parent, so everything is new, and I never really know what is OK and what isn’t.

He’s generally a good kid, has a holiday job, came on the family holiday, gets on with his brother (age 15), plays football with him etc. But like all kids his age he goes out drinking with his mates, maybe one night a week, and comes back drunk. I don’t drink, and I hate it when he gets drunk, but that’s what they do isn’t it. He’s had girlfriends but ever any serious ones.

Last night he went into town - his phone battery died but he called me at midnight from a friend’s phone to say he’d be late as they were going clubbing. I heard him come in at 4am (he was quiet but I’m a light sleeper). He’s just texted me from his bedroom asking me not to come in as he’s brought “a mate” home. I’ve got no idea if this will be a lad sleeping on his floor, a female friend in his bed, or a random girl from town.

We’ve never discussed him bringing people back, never said it was OK, never said it wasn’t. I’m feeling a bit peeved about the whole thing, but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I find adjusting to the changes that come with him becoming an adult quite difficult, so I never know if my reactions are reasonable, or if I should just accept it.

How would others feel?

OP posts:
PinkyAndTheBarnacle · 28/07/2024 10:55

my kids aren’t that age yet so hopefully someone will be along to give better advice - but no long now for me.

my tuppence worth is that I think it’s good if he feels his mates (female or male) are welcome. Although, I imagine if he said “don’t come in” that it’s a female.

MumblesParty · 28/07/2024 10:57

PinkyAndTheBarnacle · 28/07/2024 10:55

my kids aren’t that age yet so hopefully someone will be along to give better advice - but no long now for me.

my tuppence worth is that I think it’s good if he feels his mates (female or male) are welcome. Although, I imagine if he said “don’t come in” that it’s a female.

Definitely female - I heard her voice as I walked past the door.

OP posts:
Newgolddream70 · 28/07/2024 10:58

I think I would be pissed off as well as that's a boundary pushed too far. I suppose the 'grown up' thing to do is wait until this person has left then have a conversation with your DS to get the background. I don't think I'm qualified to give the best answer as my DS is only 10 (but single parent too) so I'm following with interest. Hope you're ok x

Kitkat1523 · 28/07/2024 11:02

My kids only ever brought friends that I knew,back without running it past me first…..I wouldn’t have been happy with what your DS has done….but it’s happened …..wait for the girl to leave then have a chat….let him know your feeling and put some house rules in place

DonkeysNotDisney · 28/07/2024 11:02

I've got older ones, one this age and younger teens.

My biggest advice is to talk to them.

It is painful the first time but as they are becoming adults we need to all have boundaries that are acceptable.

I don't allow unknown people to come back, male or female.

I wouldn't bring unknown people back home and I don't expect them to either.

BobbyBiscuits · 28/07/2024 11:02

I'm surprised he hadn't had girls in his room before tbh. Presuming when he's at uni he'll be upto all sorts at his halls.
I honestly don't think you should worry. A lot of kids aged 15 or 16 have girl or boyfriends sleep over. Presuming you'd be happy if he had a steady girlfriend? This girl might not be it, but you never know! I'd say this is totally normal for an 18 yo.

combinationpadlock · 28/07/2024 11:03

or the other alternative you have not mentioned is a boy in his bed.

mumonthehill · 28/07/2024 11:05

Well i would not be happy about a random stranger to be honest. If he wants one night stands then he can do that at uni but i think it is disrespectful in your home. I had no issues with established gf staying over but this I would not have been that happy about.

Kitkat1523 · 28/07/2024 11:05

BobbyBiscuits · 28/07/2024 11:02

I'm surprised he hadn't had girls in his room before tbh. Presuming when he's at uni he'll be upto all sorts at his halls.
I honestly don't think you should worry. A lot of kids aged 15 or 16 have girl or boyfriends sleep over. Presuming you'd be happy if he had a steady girlfriend? This girl might not be it, but you never know! I'd say this is totally normal for an 18 yo.

Really? You would be ok with a random adult in your home….you don’t know who they are…..your younger children could bump into them coming out of the bathroom ….not sure what sort of home you come from that this is ok?

combinationpadlock · 28/07/2024 11:05

I think its probably fine, a friend on the floor, because they couldn't get back easily last night, ok.

I did have boundaries in place with mine, they could bring sexual partners home to sleep with under my roof only after I had already met them and they had been together more than 3 months - no strangers, no casual ons in my home. That worked out for us.

It would have been the same if they were gay or straight sexual partners.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 28/07/2024 11:09

BobbyBiscuits · 28/07/2024 11:02

I'm surprised he hadn't had girls in his room before tbh. Presuming when he's at uni he'll be upto all sorts at his halls.
I honestly don't think you should worry. A lot of kids aged 15 or 16 have girl or boyfriends sleep over. Presuming you'd be happy if he had a steady girlfriend? This girl might not be it, but you never know! I'd say this is totally normal for an 18 yo.

Wtf?
What sort of home are you running? 🤣
15 year olds having boyfriends/ girlfriends staying over? One night stands in the family home? Nope!

Christ....such low moral standards!

Op the going out drinking is fine. The bringinging pick ups home not OK.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/07/2024 11:10

We had 3 teen boys.

Friends we knew and GF we’d met were OK.

Random strangers and one night stands weren’t.

Octavia64 · 28/07/2024 11:12

If you haven't discussed it with him then now is the time to do so.

You haven't yet made clear what the rules are so he hasn't actually broken any.

Work out what you are happy with and talk to him,

FrenchandSaunders · 28/07/2024 11:13

Mine are early 20s now but we had a rule that no randoms were allowed to stay overnight. Friends and serious partners we had met previously, but def no bringing one night stands from the pub/club.

FrenchandSaunders · 28/07/2024 11:14

He can do what he wants at uni but not in the family home.

ObliviousCoalmine · 28/07/2024 11:14

I've you've not talked about this situation before then he doesn't know the parameters as much as you don't.

Let this one go and then have a calm and reasonable conversation (when he's not hungover) to figure out how it'll work from here on in.

Longma · 28/07/2024 11:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

VirginiaGirl · 28/07/2024 11:17

I was always okay with this kind of thing and my sons friends are always welcome to stay over. I would check her parents know where she is/that she is safe and leave them be.

Longma · 28/07/2024 11:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

CheeseWisely · 28/07/2024 11:21

combinationpadlock · 28/07/2024 11:03

or the other alternative you have not mentioned is a boy in his bed.

It's perfectly possible that by 18 the OP knows her DS is straight and so has discounted this scenario.

OP, I agree with PPs, wait until the 'mate' has gone and then sit down and have a chat with DS about boundaries in your home.

LlynTegid · 28/07/2024 11:22

I agree about boundaries. Strangers (if they are) could be thieves for example, never mind questions about consent, safety etc.

BobbyBiscuits · 28/07/2024 11:28

@Longma there's no right or wrong time, I'm not saying everyone should let their 16 yo have boyfriends over. I was just pointing out to OP that what her son is doing seems totally normal and age appropriate.
I guess I was working full time aged 18, lived with bf at 16, and that was right for me personally.

VirginiaGirl · 28/07/2024 11:38

Bigearringsbigsmile · 28/07/2024 11:09

Wtf?
What sort of home are you running? 🤣
15 year olds having boyfriends/ girlfriends staying over? One night stands in the family home? Nope!

Christ....such low moral standards!

Op the going out drinking is fine. The bringinging pick ups home not OK.

How old are your children @Bigearringsbigsmile? This is totally normal and un-outrageous in my experience. Son’s girlfriends both have sleepovers at our and at theirs, the parents were of the same opinion as me, better we know where they are. They’re going to have sex, anyway.

No one is running a brothel, here.

Kitkat1523 · 28/07/2024 11:38

BobbyBiscuits · 28/07/2024 11:28

@Longma there's no right or wrong time, I'm not saying everyone should let their 16 yo have boyfriends over. I was just pointing out to OP that what her son is doing seems totally normal and age appropriate.
I guess I was working full time aged 18, lived with bf at 16, and that was right for me personally.

So you would be happy to have randomers walking around your house using the toilet , kitchen…. with your younger children also in the house …..how old are your kids?
wtf has you working and living with your bf as a teenage got to do with this?

Kitkat1523 · 28/07/2024 11:41

VirginiaGirl · 28/07/2024 11:38

How old are your children @Bigearringsbigsmile? This is totally normal and un-outrageous in my experience. Son’s girlfriends both have sleepovers at our and at theirs, the parents were of the same opinion as me, better we know where they are. They’re going to have sex, anyway.

No one is running a brothel, here.

It’s not about sex…..it’s about OP having a stranger in her home and not knowing …..if your sons had girlfriends sleeping over whether they were having sex or not is irrelevant ….you knew these girls….and you knew their parents…..then they weren’t strangers in your home

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