Should I be cross or is this all normal?!

[MumblesParty]

DS1 is 18, home for the summer after his first year at university. He’s my eldest child and I’m a single parent, so everything is new, and I never really know what is OK and what isn’t.

He’s generally a good kid, has a holiday job, came on the family holiday, gets on with his brother (age 15), plays football with him etc. But like all kids his age he goes out drinking with his mates, maybe one night a week, and comes back drunk. I don’t drink, and I hate it when he gets drunk, but that’s what they do isn’t it. He’s had girlfriends but ever any serious ones.

Last night he went into town - his phone battery died but he called me at midnight from a friend’s phone to say he’d be late as they were going clubbing. I heard him come in at 4am (he was quiet but I’m a light sleeper). He’s just texted me from his bedroom asking me not to come in as he’s brought “a mate” home. I’ve got no idea if this will be a lad sleeping on his floor, a female friend in his bed, or a random girl from town.

We’ve never discussed him bringing people back, never said it was OK, never said it wasn’t. I’m feeling a bit peeved about the whole thing, but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I find adjusting to the changes that come with him becoming an adult quite difficult, so I never know if my reactions are reasonable, or if I should just accept it.

How would others feel?

This

I think you need to talk to him and find out the situation.

One night stand - not acceptable

Female friend stuck with no way to get home is a different matter.

Decide what you're happy with about having anyone stay and then just have a chat with him later to let him know. If you've never discussed it, he won't know your thoughts on it.

Personally, my oldest can have people that he/we know stay over, but not random people. That's just common sense and for everyone's safety/comfort.

Mine are in their 20s now, but still at home.
We've always been happy with known friends and as they got older, longer term partners staying, preferably with prior notification.
No way we're they allowed to bring people they'd just met home for the night! I think you are perfectly reasonable to say this isn't going to happen again once your DSs visitor leaves.

If it was a one night stand I wouldn't mind occasionally and friends staying over are always welcome . There is a balance between being respectful in the parents home and taking the piss by bringing people home every weekend .

Don't be churlish. Have a conversation that respects him as a young adult and encourages him to respect your point of view. If it's the first time he has done this, you explain why you are not comfortable with this. He will likely not do it again.

I don't know anyone who let their 15 year olds bf/gf stay over so I wouldn't say 'a lot'. Something very off about your post.

Early 20s.
Long term girlfriend allowed to stay over now they are adults, with notice.
Friends we know always allowed to stay over with notice.
One night stands and teenage girlfriends.No.

You would check with her parents?

Is she a child or an adult?

There is a big difference between allowing a bf/gf stay over and a one night stand.

ONS are not for family homes. I'm sure the OP son wouldnt like random men staying over.

My son once walked a very drunk girl home from the pub. When they arrived at her house, the girls mum wouldn’t let her into the house because she was drunk. My son hid nearby listening to the mother/drunk daughter exchange on the doorstep. Mum was insistent the her daughter was not coming in. Eventually, he approached the front door and told the girls mum that he couldn’t have her sleep outside so would take her home as he knew that I would be fine with that (I was).

Safety is more important than morals for me. I don't care what my neighbours, or anyone else thinks. I couldn't have a teenager sleeping on the street when I have a sofa. The parents may not care where their own kids are, but I do.

@Kitkat1523 yes I would be fine with my 18 yo having friends to stay in his room of either gender. Sorry if you disagree.

@VirginiaGirl sorry Virgina I can't delete this

Like anyone? You are happy for any stranger, male or female to stay in your house?

But we are jotctalking about friends staying over. We are talking about random strangers coming back for sex!

@Bigearringsbigsmile at 18 I'd consider that pretty normal behaviour, yeah.
Do you think 18 yo shouldn't be allowed to have casual sex?

Not in the family home with younger children no.

I wouldn't bring back an unknown man to have casual sex with and I wouldn't expect my children to do so either.

No I don't think 18 year olds should be having casual sex in the family home. I don't think casual sex is that great an idea anyway but certainly not in the room next to your parents.

It was a girl from his friendship group - there’s a gang of them who’ve been mates for years - I think they used to snog at parties when younger sometimes. I’ve met her a couple of times. So I’m relieved it wasn’t a stranger. She left a while ago.

He’s very hungover and embarrassed this morning.

I find this age so difficult. They’re legally adults but not proper adults in many ways, and of course he’s living under my roof. There’s such a fine line to tread - wanting to enforce rules but not wanting to alienate him. He’s had some very low moments that he’s confided in me about, and I think we have a petty good relationship, so I’m wary of jeopardising that. But equally I want a degree of respect.

My childhood was very different. I went to a school that was predominantly boarding, so I didn’t really have any local friends. When I came home during uni holidays I didn’t go out locally, but would visit friends elsewhere, so all my “crimes” were committed away from home! Hence not knowing what is considered acceptable behaviour.

In the room next to my younger children….no I don’t….are you happy for your 18 year old to be shagging a randomer in the room next door to your younger kids ? …..shame on you if you are

I wouldn't have been bothered about it tbh. I don't have 'rules' in my house although I wouldn't be happy with a string of random strangers. My son has graduated uni and uni life can be a bit wild, you don't have much idea of what they're up to really.

I'd probably have a conversation about it as I'd be curious about it but that would be all.

In the room next to my younger children….no I don’t….are you happy for your 18 year old to be shagging a randomer in the room next door to your younger kids ? …..shame on you if you are

Well said. It's about everyone's safety and comfort when you have younger children.

With my older, now adult, children they were only allowed a partner to stay if it was a serious relationship and I got to know them first. I wouldn't have put up with a random one nighter. Decide what you are happy to accept and have a chat to him about it.

It's happened now.

Just have a conversation about ground rules going forward

If it's a friend he's known for a while, ok. If it's a girlfriend and you're happy with her staying, ok. If it's a one night stand or random, then it's a No.

If I was him I'd be seriously considering whether I'd be coming home next summer if you weren't going to treat me like an adult!

Look at the positives, he doesn’t go out all the time, he let you know he would be late back, he has let you know he’s brought someone home. All those actions are responsible.

What this has highlighted is that you are not happy with him bringing someone back and haven’t previously discussed it so this is the time (after the guest has gone obviously) to have that conversation and tell him what your ground rules are.

Not all kids that age go out drinking with their mates though, many more of them don’t drink than used to be the case so you could also chat about whether he drinks because he enjoys it or drinks to fit in.

It wasn't a random stranger! It was a female friend, and there's no mention of sex!